I'm gathering my campaign staff as we speak, Jai. I might have a little problem though because I borrowed $250,000 from Arturo "The Murderous Lech" Husiadaddi to get the ball rolling and I might have to hide out for a few weeks. Or years. I did take $50,000 and bought a new Lincoln but I figured I'd have the loot rolling in after investing in oil companies when the price was still $60 a barrel. Right now, my $200,000 is worth 32 grand and Artie's been looking for me to get the first payment. Thank God there's plenty of room to sleep in the back of a Lincoln.

The bad news is that if oil doesn't go up to $90 a barrel in the next two days, I'm probably not going to be able to run for president unless I promise to make Artie Secretary of the Department of Commerce. Or vice-president. The good news is that gas is so cheap, even a Lincoln can drive for a week on $15. I washed a Big Mac down with a cup of hi-test yesterday. That crap darn nearly killed me. Last time I ever eat a Big Mac.

Anyway, I can use help on the campaign. I know most of my Soulful Detroit family is still waiting for their Coronavirus checks. And I need them. I'm going to start a GoFundMe, ostensibly to help hungry kids. Put the word out that there's a pair of hungry orphans - Jeremy and Ozzie - who are going to starve if everybody doesn't send me the loot by Wednesday. Make 'em feel guilty so they don't know - I mean, so they don't think I'm trying to beat them out of their scratch. Tell 'em I'm going to send every person a tee shirt with a "I Saved These Two Wonderful Children Because I Actually Give A ****" graphic on it. Eventually.

Anyway, I think Artie is creeping around outside my car right now. I'm in the trunk and trying to be quiet. Thanks for all of your support. Remember, Jerry Oz is the only one who can make his problems go away. I mean, he's the only one who can make your problems go away. Free healthcare. Three-day work weeks. Chickens in every pot. Pot in every garden. No speed limits. And I'll stop all of that baby mama drama. But you gotta elect me or nothing's gonna change.

Good night, and God bless this trunk!