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  1. #51
    SIR,THE LOCAL FUNERAL PARLOR[MR.EMBALMERS DEAD MAN'S LOUNGE AND PIGFOOT PIT]HAS SWORN OUT A WARRANT FOR GRADY'S ARREST,IT SEEMS THAT IN THE MIST OF THE HOLIDAY CELEBRATIONS GRADY WAS CROWNED[HONORARY KING OF DA HOOD]IT'S A HONORARY THING DONE EVERY YEAR,BUT GRADY HAD ONE OF THE DANCIN PIGSFEET TROT DOWN TO THE FUNERAL PARLOR AND[BORROW???]A SOLID GOLD CROWN FROM THE HEAD OF A NEWLY ENBALMED MEMBER WHO IT TURNS OUT WAS A HEAD OF STATE IN THE AFRICAN COUNTRY OF-RESEMBIA...SO NAMED BECAUSE ALL THE NATIVES RESEMBLE ONE ANOTHER..[LEGEND HAS IT THAT THE FIRST CHIEF HAD 500 WIVES FROM THE SAME FAMILY]ANYHOW WHEN IT CAME TIME TO PLACE THE CROWN IT WAS GONE UNTIL GRADY WAS SEEN WEARING IT AT THE PARADE WHICH SOON TURNED INTO A POLICE RAID BECAUSE NOBODY HAD A PERMIT TO PARADE AND LILBITS BROKE THE NO DISTANCING RULE BY JUST BEING WITHIN 6 FT OF EVERYBODY AND WEARING NO MASK,SHE SAYS THAT SHE WAS WEARING ONE BUT IT WAS JUST THE CRUMBS FROM THE THIRTY SEVEN APPLE CRUMB PIES SHE ATE,ANYHOW IT SEEMS THAT THE ONLY THING TO STOP AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT IS IF YOU SIGN A LETTER OF CONTENT STATING THAT GRADY KNOWS YOU,GRADY SAYS THAT HE KNOWS NOTHING OF HOW HE GOT THE CROWN AND SAYS THE DANCIN PIGSFEET WERE ACTING ON THEIR OWN,HE OFFERED TO SEND THE TINY AFRICAN NATION SOME OF HIS INFAMOUS COYOTE RIBS AND COBLESS CORNBALLS..UPON HEARING THIS THE LEADERS OF THAT NATION ORDERED ALL BORDERS CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE,NOW THE ENVOY WHO WAS TO RETURN HOME TODAY IS STUCK IN DA HOOD WITH NO INTERPRETER..LUCKILY DUUFUSS SPEAKS IN TONGUES SO AS SOON AS HE'S LOCATED,HE MAY BE DOWN AT THE BOTTOM END OF DA HOOD DIGGING FOR CONTAMINATED GLOW WORMS AT THE INDUSTRIAL WASTE DEPOSITORY AND SANDCRAB JOINT,THIS COULD BECOME AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT SIR WHICH MAY DRAG ON INTO YOUR ADMINISTRATION SIR..BUT AS SOON AS YOUR LETTER REACHES THE CHIEF HE MAY RELAX AND PERMIT THE DONATION[37.50]THAT WAS COLLECTED AS A GIFT TO YOU..[IT WAS ALL THE PEOPLE HAD IT'S A SMALL COUNTRY]BUT IF ANY LEADER CAN HANDLE THIS MESS IT'S YOU SIR,WITH YOUR POWERS OF PERSUASION...[and that nice donation]I'LL LEAVE IT UP TO YOUR ALWAYS GOOD JUDGEMENT,THANK YOU SIR AND KEEP RUNNING!!

  2. #52
    Not sure if I trust the president of Resembia. I emailed him to let him know that I had a check for $2 million waiting for him but only after he bought two $500 Amazon gift cards and sent them to my private P.O. box. He sent the cards but one had no balance and the other one only had $2.08 on it. I can't stand shady people. Resembia might be the first country that I nuke after I take office.

    And people need to leave Lilbits alone. She can't properly social distance in a city. She can't even social distance in the countryside. At least we can be sure that a dozen people can be within 6" of her but never even see each other, let alone be within 6 feet of each other. She called and said she was upset so I advised her to go to the beach and relax. Now she's more upset because she was floating and several US Navy aircraft flew past an aircraft carrier and attempted to land on her. I gave her the business card of Dewey Cheatum & Howell and they're suing the Navy for failing to maintain social distance. Looks like a great case. Things like that won't happen very often when I'm president.

    And I have a beef to pick with Grady. When po-po came to get the crown, he took it off to chuck it away and threw it at my Lincoln and now I have there's a nick in it. You know Nick, he works at Timmy's Donut and Hubcaps over on King Boulevard. Anyway, he was repackaging some of Grady's pancakes and selling them as tire rims until Grady found out. Now, Nick is homeless and since the crown hit my car and opened the electronic door lock, Nick has been living in my back seat. I told Grady I might have to sue him to get the nick out of my car but he's ducking my process server. Life in da hood is never boring.

  3. #53
    Hears the deal, sir. First of all, Lilbits has got to chill, man. Why not promise her a cabinet position at the Dept. of Agriculture. By the time she eats her way through the Midwest, you'll be out of office! So she'd be the next prez's problem! Now w/Resembia, send in some advisors - ala Johnson & JFK in Vietnam- by a Presidential Executive Order. Get the homies from the da Hood to serve their country w/the promise of lifetime liquor payme...err I mean vouchers. Cause liquor store are an essential business nowadays; so everybody wins! And since everyone in Resembia looks alike (or related) that solves that problem too. You got the added bonus of making welfare/guv'ment assistance null and void. Your constituents & Congress, Senate and House will be in your hip pocket for re-election! Amazon tells me that a stock deal for D.C. and he'll front the $2 mil, $500, and the scam gift cards. Your Resembia presidential thorn in your side? Disappears. That nonsense with the Navy. No-brainer, sir. Just merge it with Space Force. Dig up Flynn. He'll run into the ground, eventually. Meanwhile you've handled all your DOJ baggage during your campaign! Your grateful country will sweep you into office. That social distance nonsense is also an easy fix. Use your executive privilege to make it punishable with withdrawal of stimulus checks and guv'ment backed debit cards! Here's what you do for Nicky: dump sleepy Carson from HUD and appoint him. He knows what it means to be homeless, evicted, and behind on rent. Now Grady and your Lincoln will require your experience and top notch skills at coerc...uuhhh persuasion. Make Grady the FDA czar. Staff the dept w ex-Chipolte and Denny folks, nobody would be the wiser! Then, prop him up, by creating a Food Bank Task Force. After digesting some of Grady's Greats from '08, with the abandoned cars left in lines all over the country, as prez just confiscate em as liabilities for community spread. You, in turn, get the pick of the litter. If nothing peaks your fancy, mandate that auto paintshops are non-essential businesses. Once their on lockdown, whoever's still stateside from the Resembia fiasc...err uhhmm controversy ; those bros can get the Lincoln as good as new! Remember, the younger hoodrats are ASE-certified mechanics. I know, I've already read their Family Court records. True dat, da Hood is never boring. But you sir, as our Commander-in-Chief, will not only TRULY make the US great again, but more importantly, Make DaHood Great!! You can even use that as your campaign slogan. ( no disrespect by yours, about being copacetic and the rest...keep in mind your seeking to be The Most Powerful Man in the World. And with Amazon dude on a Listening Tour for that, you might want to water dow...urr uuhhmm appeal to Main St., sir.) So as you can guess, sir, it's yours to lose. You csn win, Jerry! You can win!! I'm in your camp 110%. Fired up? Ready to go??!

  4. #54
    Nahhhh, fam. My slogan rocks balls. The only issue I have is that it takes two tweets to post the whole thing on Twitter. But bump Twitter, I'm gonna sign an executive order that makes them change their limit from 240 characters to 252. I will not sit idly by while the ability of the American people to communicate their angriest and most embarassingly Freudian thoughts anonymously to millions is infringed. In this time of distress, it's important that they express themselves because it's easy enough to figure out who each account belongs to and the potential to blackma... I mean, there might be an opportunity to explain how people can better protect their unfortunate social media outbursts from people that they don't want to see them. For a cost, of course.

    My ability to find new revenue streams is probably my strongest asset. To that end, I'm eager to release my new hip hop artist to make the youngest voters excited about my candidacy. I'm almost done, too (I just need to think of nine more cuss words for one song and another 32 for the title track - "The Dead Don't Vote and If You Don't Vote For Me, You Ain't Voting (You Figure It Out)". Catchy, I know, but it's really one of the deepest songs I've heard since "Milkshake". I think it'll be a big hit on both the hip hop and gospel charts.

    And unfortunately, most of the cabinet positions you listed have been bough... I mean I've appointed interested parties tothem based on the interests and abilities of some of the riche... most qualified people in the country. After reading your well-thought post, i contacted most of the appointees and most of them assured me they still had their receipts, so it'd be hard to change course right now. This country is going to be in great hands after President Plump is kicked to the curb.

  5. #55
    YOU DA MAN SIR..IF I MAY SIR I'VE COME UP WITH A SLOGAN FOR YOUR CAMPAINE...DA MAN FOR DA HOOD AND DA COUNTRY..NOW BEFORE I BROUGHT THIS TO YOU SIR I INSUL-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..CONSULTED THE LEADING AUDACI-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AUTHORITY OF [DA-SPEAK]IN DA HOOD-PROF.EMBARASISSUS OF EBONICS AND OTHER NICK-NAKS,NOW THE GOOD PROF SAYS THAT THE USE OF[DA]IS PERFECTLY OK AS LONG AS IT'S USED IN A PERPENDICULAR PERPENDUCTION AND SINCE NOBODY IN DA HOOD IS SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT THE HECK THAT MEANS IT'S PERFECTLY OK TO USE...[just one small thing sir,the good Prof.ask that after you're elected if you can get him back into his office on campus]IT SEEMS THAT HE PLACED A RATHER LARGE BET ON WHO COULD GET THE COPYRIGHT ON THE WORD [DA]BUT THE PRESIDENT OF THE COLLEGE MISTOOK HIM ON THE WORD AS HE THOUGHT IT WAS[DAH]AND WHEN THE GOOD PROF COULDN'T COME UP WITH THE[5,000]AND TRIED TO COPYRIGHT THE WORD ANYHOW ,WELL SIR YOU CAN SEE THE EMBARASSMENT IT CAUSED THE UNIVERSITY AND SINCE THE PROF WAS MORE THAN[27 YRS]BEHIND IN HIS RENT HE HAD TO GO..NOT TO MENTION THE SECRET AFFAIR HE WAS HAVING WITH THE PRESIDENT'S GRAND NEICE WHO'S RELATED TO THE CHIEF OF RESEMBIA,BY RESEMBLANCE[THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE]OF COURSE THE GOOD PROF SAYS THAT SINCE HE LOST HIS ONLY PAIR OF GLASSES IN A POKER GAME WITH GRADY[26YRS AGO]HE COULDN'T SEE THAT THE LADY WAS FROM RESEMBIA,HE SAYS HE THOUGHT IT WAS[TOOSIE THE TART]FROM ROUND THE WAY,AND TOOTSIE WON'T SAY ONE WAY OR THE OTHER SHE JUST POPS GUM AND GIGGLES,I'VE ASKED THE LAWYER OF SCHOOL MATTERS[SHAY D.E.NUFF]TO LOOK INTO THIS MATTER,BUT HE WANT HIS MONEY UP FRONT[4.35+TIPS]AND IS HOLDING ALL DEPOSITIONS UNTIL HE'S PAID,BUT HE SAID THAT IF YOU WILL APPOINT HIM TO THE SUPREME COURT[JUST UNTIL THEY RETURN FROM TOUR]HE WILL CONSIDER GOING AHEAD WITH THE CASE,OH AND THE GOOD PROF'S STUFF IS BEING KEPT IN A BROOM CLOSET AND THE CAMPUS HASN'T BEEN SWEPT IN WEEKS BECAUSE THE ONLY BROOM FOR THE ENTIRE SCHOOL IS IN THERE AND THE LITTER IS PILING UP AND DA HOOD CIVIC ASSOCIATION CHAIRMAN[MR.CIVIC]IS FILING AN CONJUNCTION OF E PLURIBUS MINIMUS[THAT'S LEGAL TALK SIR]SO AS YOU CAN SEE IT'S A LEGAL MESS WHICH MAY TURN INTO AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT IF[TOOTSIE]DON'T TALK..SO SIR ANY HELP YOU CAN GIVE WOULD BE OF MUCH HELP...[sir you may be able to get both sides to donate the money to your campaine]!

  6. #56
    May I interject, sir? This legal boondogle can be cleared up toot-sweet! And they said you never use schooling in real life! Of course, I was the only Negro in a one room schoolhouse in Alabama in the 70's. The good Prof. can translate for you, sir. So, as I was saying, alls you gotta do is appoint that brilliant lawyer of Stormy's. I say appoint because he's in the pen now. When has that stopped anybody, right? Or how about just giving him a Presidential Pardon?
    If Congress bucks, I got my man, O. Hay Simpson on speed dial. Or Mr. Barr will be a free agent from DOJ soon. Another option. He says if you can't come up with the 1 mil retainer fee and $1,500/hr. billable, he will accept Bitcoin currency instead. And sir, about that lost pager, I have an inside source at T-Mobile/Sprint who can unload some 1st generation beepers for you. All he's asking for is a Cabinet level position at Commerce or cybersecurity. And finally, as far as arr & bee's slogan. Nix that. And revisit and rethink the one I offered. You don't want the American people to question your commitment or qualifications fir office. Worry about that once you get into office. Don't want your campaign message to get lost in translation. What say you?

  7. #57
    NIX THAT????? nativeNY63-HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO DA HOOD? THE FOLKS THERE LOVE JERRY AND MY SLOGAN BUT IT'S UP TO HIM TO USE IT AND AFTER I'M APPOINTED TO MY POSITION IN THE F.B.I. I'M GONNA LOOK INTO YOUR RECORDS..[of course an envelope stuffed with cash could slow things up]OR YOU CAN VOLUNTEER TO SAMPLE GRADY'S NEWEST DISH[which is worst than anything the government can do to you]THEN OF COURSE THERE IS THE ONLY OTHER ACTION FOR YOU...COME DOWN TO DA HOOD AND PLAY-SPIN DA BOTTLE WITH-LILBITS..[SHE HASN'T HAD A DATE SINCE-1972]SO SHE WON'T PLAY[HARD TO GET,AND HERS HUGS ARE,WELL LETS JUST SAY THAT THE ONLY HUGS TIGHTER WOULD COME FROM AN-ANACONDA..[practice taking very short breaths]YOU SEE,AFTER THE WORD GETS OUT ABOUT YOUR[NIXXING]MY SLOGAN FOLKS IN DA HOOD ARE GONNA ASK THE FOREMOST AUDACITY-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AUTHORITY ON WORDS..DR.VERBS WHAT THE WORD MEANS AND AFTER HE CHECKS HIS BOOKS YOU'RE GONNA BE A MARKED MAN IN DA HOOD,EVEN THAT COOL LAWYER-PERSONNA NON GRATA WON'T TAKE YOUR CASE,NOW MAYBE JUST MAYBE I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET YOU OUT OF THIS MESS OF YOUR OWN MAKING,GO DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE AND SIGN A WRIT OF DU FO NON CONTEMPTOE AND PRAY THAT THE JUDGE[THE DISHONEST-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE]THE HONORABLE JUDGE PAYOURBAIL,THIS JURIST DON'T PLAY[unless you pay,hehe]AHEM,NOW I'LL HAVE A COURT APPOINTED LAWYER THERE FOR YOU..HE'S FRESH OUT OF LAW SCHOOL..[he got fresh and they put him out]HIS NAME IS-CHUMPS B.WARE NOW HE MAY TRY TO GET YOU OFF ON AN INSANITY PLEA WHICH IF I WERE YOU I'D ACCEPT,WHERE AS THE GOOD JUDGE WILL GIVE YOU 12YRS PROBATION TO BE SERVED CONCURRENTLY ON THE FIFTH SUNDAY OF EVERY OTHER LEAP YEAR ON YEARS BEGINNING WITH ZERO,AND YOU WILL HAVE TO REPORT OT YOUR PROMOTION OFFICER-OFC.CUFFEM-THIS GUY IS TOUGH,HE LOCKED UP HIS OWN MOTHER..[of course she was insane at the time] HE DON'T PLAY FAVORITES,SO GOOD LUCK..OH AND NEXT TIME YOU WANNA DISPUTE MY SLOGAN IN DA HOOD...PAY ME FIRST AND SAVE YOURSELF THIS LONG AND USELESS POST..GOOD LUCK!!
    Last edited by arr&bee; 05-27-2020 at 01:42 PM.

  8. #58
    I can't tell you how much I appreciate good (free) advice on an anonymous message board as I aspire to take this country to a new level. Even though my slogan is very catchy and rolls right off the tongue, I did reconsider. And no offense Jai, but I think my new slogan is going to be the one Americans latch onto. Can't wait to put it on a red, black and green hat: Vote For Jerry If You Don't Want To Pay Taxes, Need Free Healthcare And He'll Give You A Monthly $500 Voucher For Every Hooch House In Da Hood.

    Not only will that boost the economy in da hood, it'll get a bunch of suckers... of forward thinking voters to see that I am a man of the people. I'm not known as someone who necessarily lies a whole lot unless I need to in order to avoid trouble so the fools... oops... people who love me... dang... love AMERICA will vote to make things better for everybody. It makes me tear up to think about how much I'm gonna help this country. Or how proud I'll be to stand with my hand on my mint copy of Black Panther #1 as I take the oath of office with the first lady and the first, second, third, fourth, fifth and (maybe) sixth baby mamas looking on. (Not really sure about that sixth baby mama because little Jerry Jeronimous Oz XVII was born last week with six toes on his left foot and four on his right.) I asked Dr. Rubbummupp for a DNA test and he said he was my kid. Never knew you could confirm DNA via an internet questionnaire but I'm not exactly a man of science... If I can get a couple more hits on my gift card emails, I might be able to afford another DNA test (or a trip to the Maury Show for a free one).

    Anyway, thanks again for your advice, Gents. I won't forget your contributions to my success once I'm dealing exclusively with people who are willing to pay for my time. And don't forget:

    Vote For Jerry If You Don't Want To Pay Taxes, Need Free Healthcare And He'll Give You A Monthly $500 Voucher For Every Hooch House In Da Hood.

  9. #59
    YOU'RE ALWAYS WELCOME SIR,WE IN DA HOOD ARE BEHIND YOU AND WHATEVER YOU THINK IS BEST FOR OUR COUNTRY AND DA HOOD IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR US...BUT SIR,native NY63 UNFORTUNATELY WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR HIS BLATANT DISRESPECT OF DA HOOD,IF WE LET HIM GET OFF WHAT KIND OF GHETTO WOULD WE BE? I'M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND...[now he could get off with a lapdance from Lilbits,but he would never be seen again]IT'S FOR HIS OWN GOOD!

  10. #60
    I think that would be kind of harsh. Lilbits once gave three guys lap dances at the same time and they never even saw each other. If she was to slip while whipping it out on nativeNY63 (say she thought she spotted a strip club chicken wing on the floor and bent over to pick it up) the poor guy would be crushed. And of course, she'd turn around looking for him to tip her but when you're that close to the Moon you're bound to be trapped by its gravity so he wouldn't be there and she'd think that he skipped out on her. The last time that happened, she climbed the Empire State Building and swatted bi-planes like they were flies before the building collapsed under her immense girth. We can't take a chance on that happens again because if nNY63 was still stuck in her orbit, she could land on him and there'd be no chance on reviving him. Besides, he wasn't disrespecting the hood, which is a huge part of all of us. It's your heart, it's my funny bone. But say what you will, it's home unless you can afford to move.

    I'm tearing up now... I might need to start up the Lincoln and go looking for some of my old friends so we can reminisce about old times. Hard to do because their babies' mom is looking for them so they can pay child support. And yeah, they all have the same babies' mom. Hope she doesn't see me creeping.

  11. #61
    ONCE AGAIN SIR YOUR LOGIC HAS PREVAILED,I'LL SPEAK TO THE POWERS THAT BE TO SEE IF I CAN GET nativeNY63 OFF DA HOOK,BUT HE'S GONNA OWE DA HOOD BIG TIME...[I got some private merchandise that's too hot to stay here,so he's gonna keep em safe until I send for em.]SEE JUST A SMALL FAVOR NOW AND AGAIN!

  12. #62
    SIR,GOOD NEWS JUST IN...ACCORDING TO THE BEST LAW FIRM IN DA HOOD..DUU,AS,WEE,SAYY,&GETT,OFF-WITNESSES CAN PLACE YOU IN D.C.AT THE TIME TRUMPPY RELEASED THAT TEAR GAS ON THE PROTESTERS...[YOU WERE TOURING DA HOODS IN D.C.]AND TEAR GAS GOT IN YOUR EYES WHICH CONSTITUTES ASSULT BY A POLITICAL OPPONENT WHICH HASN'T HAPPENED SINCE ARRON BURR DUALED WITH ALEXANDER HAMILTON 200 YRS AGO,NOW AS SOON AS I HAVE THE BEST EYE DR.IN DA HOOD EXAMINE YOU..THE GOOD DR.EYEDROPS WILL CONFIRM THAT INDEED TEARGAS HAS AFFECTED YOUR VISION...[he will have to drop his special eyedrops into your eyes which will make you teary eyed for about a week.he hopes]NOW ONCE THE SPECIAL PERCERCUTOR-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..PROSECUTOR THE DISHON-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..HONORABLE-GIL T. PRESENTS THIS TO THE SPECIAL GREASED-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..GRAND JURY YOU WILL BE IN THE DRIVERS SEAT BY WAY OF A LITTLE KNOWN OR USED LAW FROM[1617]STATING THAT IF ONE DUDE GETS TO THE SHORE BEFORE THE OTHER DUDE RUNNING THEN THE FIRST DUDE WINS...[it's an old law sir but the legal beagles will figure it out,we hope]ALSO WHEN WE PRODUCE YOUR ACTUAL TEARS...[produced from Madame Tears And Smokescreen Joint]RIGHT HERE IN DA HOOD,TRUMPPY WILL HAVE TO CONCEED,AND YOU WILL HAVE THE NOMINATION SIR...RUN JERRY RUN!

  13. #63
    Good work, Sir. We might have to eliminate a few witnesses who saw me at the club loudly commenting during the crackdown. No more than 300-400 if I was to be conservative in my guess. But that's a small price to pay to make sure the country gets the right guy in the Whites House. I'm really feeling the momentum right now. The cops ran around me to taser protesters at the mall last week. I was worried because I had a pocket full of jewerly but no receipts and there could have been *assumptions* made as to whether they were mine or if I simply broke a window and grabbed them from behind the counter while the store manager was fighting off the other looters. I mean *shoppers*. I'm gonna look real good on election night with six Rolex watches on my arm and gold tiara inlaid with rubies, diamonds and emeralds. Style is going to be a huge part of my platform and as soon as I get my grill, America's gonna see that I got class to do the job. Anyway, let me know when the doc is ready to hook me up with the tear drops. When they compare me to President Plump, they'll see that I'm the kind of thoughtful and empathetic man that they'd trust to sleep wi... I mean to chaperone their daughters. Oh, and I'll have another 25,000 absentee ballots dropped on the corner tomorrow at midnight. Thanks, Bro!

  14. #64
    UMM,SIR WE..[as in you]HAVE A SMALL PROBLEM,IT SEEMS THAT THOSE ABSENTEES ARRIVED ON A BOAT FROM ABSENTEENIA...[a small island off the coast of the spot where Atlantis once stood]WITHOUT A REFUGEE REFERENCE..[TRUMMPY REFUSED TO LET EM IN]SO THOSE ABSENTEE BALLOTS ARE USELESS THE CHIEF TOUCHES THE SHORES OF PLYMOUTH MASS. AND SPINS BACKWARD 14 TIMES WHILE CHANTING IN PIG LATIN,NOW SIR IF SOMEHOW YOU CAN SEND A USED TURKEY LEG BONE WRAPPED IN THE FUR OF A CANADIAN MOOSE...[he needs it to complete the ceremony]SIR HE ALSO WANTS YOU TO SIGN A TREATY WITH HIS ISLAND ONCE YOU'RE IN OFFICE,THE PROBLEM IS THAT ONLY ONE PERSON IN DA HOOD SPEAKS ABSENTEE,THE RECLUSE WHO HASN'T BEEN SEEN IN YEARS..[the only evidence that he's still alive is the pile of rusted rib bones in his yard]HE'S A ONCE TOP PROFESSOR..[PROF.SCATTERBRAIN]HE'S SO DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF DA HOOD THAT A SAFARI IS BEING PUT TOGETHER TO FIND HIM LED BY THE SMALL GAME HUNTER..POP PISTOL PHILL,I HOPE THAT HE CAN GET THERE IN TIME...WE NEED THOSE BALLOTS!!

  15. #65
    Relax, Homeboy. The ballots from Abseneenia were a distraction that I sent so that the real ballots could via drone from Fooldyahuh. When they inspect those ballots from Absenteenia, they'll find out they're for a promotion for a lifetime supply of Captain Crunch. While they're scratching their heads over that, the others will be landing safe at Betty Bunn's Booty & Back Wax over on Washington Street. Betty's gonna hide them under the hair peels because the last three times her place was raided, the fuzz didn't want to touch the fuzz and it's a great place to conceal contraband. She charges a lot but she's worth every cent that I borrow. And I saw Prof. Scatterbrains at that low down hooch joint on Rufus Thomas Avenue. I remember how shocked I was when he came in because that place caters to the lowest rung of society and he used to be well respected. I had to order a few more shots to get my mind off of someone like him winding up in a dive like that. Added another $62.25 to my tab and if I don't get the loot from my GoFundMe account, I might have to find somewhere else to eat, drink and pass out on Friday. But that's all going to be a thing of the past once I'm elected because I can just pardon the tab. I can't wait!

  16. #66
    WOW,SIR YOU ARE A LEGEND AND DA WHOLE HOOD IS A BUZZ WITH YOUR ONCE AGAIN SOLVING A DIFFICULT SITUATION WITH YOUR SAVVY AND POISE,OF COURSE THERE'S NO NEED TO FIND PROF.SCATTERBRAIN,WHICH IS A PROBLEM AS THE SAFARI HAS ALREADY BEGUN AND POP PISTOL PHILL HAS LOST HIS MIND-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..HIS MAP AND A SQUARD OF MAROONS HAS BEEN SENT TO FIND HIM...[since no marine in his right mind will come anywhere near da hood,a malignant-opps-err-ahem-hehe..a malitia was drafted from right here in da hood]THEY'RE CALLED MAROONS BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY COLOR THEY COULD GET AFTER MR.BLINDFOLDS HOUSE OF COLORS AND SOUR PICKLE JOINT WAS SHUT DOWN DUE TO LACK OF COLORS,ANYHOW THESE HENPICKED-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..HANDPICKED PAROLEES-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..PATRIOTS ARE LIKE THE NATIONAL GUARD WHEN THEY ARE LET OUT ON WORK DETAIL-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..WHEN THEIR WORK IS DETAILED FOR ASSIGNMENT THESE SODBUSTERS-OPP-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..SOLDIERS GET THE JOB DONE,WELL SIR DA WHOLE HOOD...[the ones that are still awake]IS WAITING FOR WORD OF THIS UNDERTAKING,STAY TUNED SIR!

  17. #67
    SIR AN INCIDENT HAS COME UP AND I'M BRINGING IT TO ATTENTION,AS THE PEOPLE IN DA HOOD RESPECT YOUR JUDGEMENT AND YOUR WORD IS LAW..NOW IT SEEMS THAT WHEN THE DIPLOMATS FROM-RESEMBIA RETURNED HOME ONE OF THEIR PARTY WAS MISSING..[the third stepson of the king on his fourth wife's bad side.]NOW ACCORDING TO LOCAL GOSSIP[the old lady down the street]THE PRINCE WANTS DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY AND HAS CHANGED HIS LOOKS AS IT SEEMS HE HAS HAD PLASTIC SURGERY BUT HE MADE A WRONG TURN AT THE END OF DA BLOCK AND ENDED UP AT THE ANIMAL PLASTIC SURGERY CLINIC WHERE ANIMALS ON THE RUN GO TO CHANGE THEIR LOOKS,WELL AS A RESULT HE NOW HAS THE FACE OF A TURTLE WHICH IS FORBIDDEN IN RESEMBIA SINCE THE TURTLE WAR OF 1949 WHEN RENEGADE TURTLES ATTEMPTED TO INVADE THE COUNTRY,THE HEAD DOCTOR AT THE CLINIC[DR.WHACK]IS ASKING FOR POLITICAL ASYLUM OUTSIDE OF DA HOOD..[he wants to know if there's room in the trunk of the Lincoln]MEANWHILE THE KING IS THREATENING WAR...[upwards of five canoes were spotted off the coast of the rock of gilbralta]THEY'RE PLANNING A SNEAK ATTACK SO THEY TOOK THE LONG WAY ROUND,ANYHOW IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY AS THEY WILL LISTEN TO YOU SIR,AS YOUR DIPLOMACY IS LEGENDARY,THANK YOU SIR!

  18. #68
    I'm on it. I put a bike patch on my rubber dinghy and should have it filled up by tomorrow at noon. I'll meet the canoe delegation and offer them a bag of White Castles if they turn around (I'll take two bags in case they play hardball). Ever since the last White Castle closed in Resembia three years ago they've been trying to get a franchise but you can't buy a franchise with coconuts and monkey poo which are the national currency in Resembia. Apparently, the asking price got up to 40,000 coconuts and seven buckets of poo before negotiations broke off. I'm really hoping they'll take the one bag because if they want both, I won't have anything to eat on the way back. Just to be safe, I'll snatch a few pickles and scrape some reconstituted onions off the sliders because I get grumpy when I'm hungry and my wife will cop an attitude if I already have one.

    Thanks for letting me know there was a pending international crisis. Unfortunately, the only asylum I can offer anybody is at U.B. Crazimann's Waffles and Booby Hatch over on Homeboy Place and since they failed inspection, they can't provide waffles so things are a little crazy over there right now. I would let him hang out in the trunk but since the cadaver dog keeps hitting back there, I can't take any chances so let him know that's gonna be a "nope". Can't help everybody but I'm glad I'm so good at helping myself. Thanks again for your support.

  19. #69
    Sir,if i may...word on da street is that a protest is planned for your inargeration from the[first of da month mammas]it seems these ladies are pissed because their checks have been slow in coming since the recession and they can't buy those groovy first of da month outfits that are important here in da hood,also it could hurt da hood economy as such enterprises as..al-cho-hal al's gin n tater chips joint-big butt buhlas's lapdance n pigtails eatery n dance club-sneaky snuggys haf pint n ill gotten gains emporium and gentelmen's club-mr shouds lung clinic n cigar lounge,now of course grady could and will fund all of these fine businesses the problem is he wants[80%]of all crim-opp-err-ahem-hehe..all community funds or the owners have to work in his kitchen which has been condemed in all[48 states and alaska]now da hood needs these businesses to function or real-opp-err-ahem-hehe..rival businesses will take possession and court action will be out of control,just want to give you a headsup on this potential disruption on your big day-run jerry run!

  20. #70
    I've given that some thought, Homeboy. Tell the hood mamas that I'll sign legislation on day #1 to make sure they get paid on time if they all complete their information on their mail-in ballots (including signatures) but don't make their selections. Then they can send them into my campaign headquarters (located at Ally Bubba's Internet Cafe & Toe Nail Buff 'n Wax over on Farrakhan Lane). I'm gonna need at least 5,000 ballots. I know they love me so they won't have a problem with me verifying that romance by letting me fill their ballots out. It's kind of a "you-scratch-my-back-and-I'll-give-you-back-your-scratch" type of deal. It's not that I don't trust them to take the loot and not vote for me, it's just that I don't think they'll do it unless I make them. And they owe me because I went to a baby kissing event at Child Services Administration last month when they told me there would be 200 people there. Well, there were 209 women but they had 2,306 kids for me to kiss. I ran out out of lip balm and I'm pretty sure some of those ankle biters had COVID-2000 or something because they sneezed every time I went to kiss them. Thank God I wore my old Darth Vader mask instead of a regular surgical mask or I might be sick right now. When somebody suggested that it was inappropriate to kiss the kids from under a mask I asked if they were saying that because the mask was black and they had to back off for fear of a protest breaking out. Anyway, it took two days to get all of the snot and baby juices off of my mask and now I need to start a GoFundMe to get enough money ($25,000) to pay for it. So far, I've raised $3.56 along with what's left on a gift card for Sheeza Stank's Brazilian Wax & Porcelain Palace over on Bigbooty Way (I think it's about $8 on the card). I'd hate to sue Child Services but that mask cost me $25 back in 1978 and it'd be hard to replace. Anyway, I love my voters! God bless America! Vote for me if you want to see a successful Black man move into the Whites House again without being a butler! Let this one crab get out the barrel, y'all!!

    BTW: That's my new campaign slogan.

    Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!

  21. #71
    SIR,YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN,SOLVED A POTENTIAL PROBLEM AND MADE ALL THE CRABS IN DA HOOD PROUD...NOW SIR A SMALL MATTER HAS COME ACROSS MY DESK..[a paper airplane with writing on it slid right over it]IT SEEMS THAT A DISPUTE IS BREWING BETWEEN THE PROPRIETOR OF[UNCLE ELI'S ROCK QUARRY AN SNUFF DIPPIN EMPORIUM DOWN AT THE EDGE OF TOWN AT 99TH & FRED SANFORD BLVD]AND COUSIN BURPY WHO RUN THE[DIRTY SALT WATER FOOT SOAK N TAFFY PARK]ACROSS THE STREET,NOW IT SEEMS THAT SOME OF THE DIRTY WATER GOT MIXED IN WITH THE SNUFF FIXINS AND THEY GOT WET SO BEFORE THE SHOOTING STARTS I HAD THEM SEE THE LEGAL FOLKS DOWN ON THAT END...[LETT.MEE.CEE.THA.CASH]AND AFTER THEY LOOKED INTO THE MATTER IT SEEMS THAT BOTH PROPERTIES SIT ON FEDERAL LAND..[old man federal died a hundred years ago]BUT HE NEVER SIGNED OVER HIS DEED...[he was sixty years behind in his payments]WELL SIR THIS COULD START A CIVIL WAR,AND THE FOLKS DOWN HERE DON'T WANT SNUFF MUDBALLS AND TAFFY FLYING BACK AND FORTH...[that stuff is murder to remove]SO BEFORE THE FEDS ARRIVE[the old man's relatives]WHO ACTUALLY HAVE THE DEED BUT WON'T LET GO BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BUILD A OIL AND VINEGAR DRIVE IN ON THE SITE,MAYBE YOU COULD LOOK INTO THIS BEFORE THE NEWSPAPERS GET INVOLVED...[sir there are some votes and dollars to be had here towards your campaine of course]ANYTHING YOU CAN DO WOULD BE WONDERFUL...[one small thing sir,old man Federal stole that name from the old fort that once stood on the site of the dispute and since the fort was on actual federal land the Government is responsible.]THIS WAS BROUGHT TO THE ATTENTION OF THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION BUT HE'S IN HIS BUNKER WITH THE PHONE TURNED OFF SO THIS MAY DRAG ON INTO YOUR ADMINISTRATION,THANK YOU SIR!!

  22. #72
    I'm going to fill that bunker with gravel. Nobody's going to go down there again after I'm officially Da Man. Unless I can sterilize it, in which case I'll have my thong wearing interns use it as a lounge. Slick Willy would be proud and I can't wait to inspect them. I mean inspect the bunker. Anyway, I thought of a great solution to the problem. I'm going to tell Duufuss that Lilbits has bags of pork rinds in her backpack and I'm going to tell Lilbits that Duufuss is stowing Big Macs in his fanny pack and send them both to the site. Since Lilbits can't see Duufuss' fanny from the front, she'll stop at nothing to get behind him. And since Duufuss can't see Lilbits back from the front, he'll go nuts trying to get behind her. Between the two of them (unmovable object vs irresistable force - we're finally gonna see what prevails) they'll level the property and I'll come through with federal grants (for a one time processing fee (payable to Oz, Jerry), of course) for both parties to rebuild. I'll make money, they'll thank me for slipping them the loot and Lilbits and Duufuss will both get some exercise. Don't worry, they'll both get too hungry to hurt each other after a couple of minutes so most of the damage they cause will be to the property and any reporters/witnesses too stoopid to stay out of the way. I figure a day or so after they start will be long enough and I'll toss Duufuss some pork rinds while having a friend drag a trailer with 30 or so Big Macs on it away from the scene. When she catches up, she'll be happy, Duufuss will be happy, Uncle Eli and Cousin Burpy will be paid and I'll be a hood legend. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. I live to do the right thing for my voters.

  23. #73
    SIR,YOU ARE TRULY A GENIUS[AND SMART TOO]THE WAY YOU CHEAT-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..CHECK INTO THESE DIFFICULT MATTERS IS AMAZING,AND SIR YOU ARE ALREADY A LEGEND....[anyone who comes into da hood as much as you and avoids Grady's is in like Flint]...RUN JERRY RUN!!

  24. #74
    SIR,DA HOOD IS VERY PROUD OF YOU AND YOUR COMING PRESIDENCY,BUT JUST ONE LITTLE THING IF I MAY,UNLIKE OTHER HOODS THIS ONE ACTUALLY HAS TWO MAYORS AND BOTH WANT TO SPEAK AT YOUR CEREMONY,THE PROBLEM IS THAT THEY BOTH WANT TO SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME,LITERALLY, WAY BACK WHEN DA HOOD WAS SETTLED ONE MAYOR FROM THE NORTHSIDE AND THE OTHER FROM THE SOUTHSIDE RAN TOGETHER UNTIL THEY BOTH GOT LOST ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF DA HOOD,WELL EACH DECIDED TO STAY WHERE HE WAS AND BECAME BITTER RIVALS NEITHER GIVING AN INCH IF ONE BUILDS A JOINT THE OTHER BUILDS ONE TOO ON THE SAME DAY,THEY WON'T GIVE IN AND BOTH ARE LONG WINDED..THEY BOTH ONCE GAVE A SPEECH WHICH LASTED A WEEK WITHOUT TAKING A BREAK RAIN OR SHINE,I'VE TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT YOUR SPEECH IS IMPORTANT BUT THEY WON'T BUDGE THEY WILL WITHOLD FUN AT THE JOINTS AND WITHOUT FUN THE LAPDANCE GIRLS CAN'T WORK WHICH WOULD CAUSE A RECESSION AND DEPRESSION,THE MONEY WOULD DRY UP AND IT WOULD BE CATASTROPHIC[and bad too]MAYBE SIR YOU CAN GET THEM TO SEE THE LIGHT,THANK YOU SIR..RUN JERRY RUN!

  25. #75
    Thanks for letting me know. I think I have a solution to that situation. Two days before the speech, I'm going to meet them in a round room and tell them that I have a friend with a bag of money sitting in a corner and the first one to find him will get a bribe. That'll keep them busy for weeks. By the time they figure it out, I'll already have accepted the nomination and got a huge boost in the polls. In the meantime, I'll install mayors on the east and west sides and they'll shmooze up to the north and south side hood peeps and by the time Dumb and Dumber find the door in the round room, their constituents will have already abandoned them. I have just the guys to do it too. My old friend Denzel Jefferson and Jenzel Washington both owe me favors because I got them out of trouble when they were making money signing Denzel Washington's autographs at comic book conventions. I showed the judge clips from their big hit bootlegs "Malcolm S", "Training Today", "The Hurricane II" and "The Pelican Briefs" and he was so impressed, he asked for their autographs too. But they look enough like Denzel Washington that every woman in the hood will want them to be mayor. Well, except for Jenzel Washington's huge strawberry birthmark on the left half of his face and Denzel Jefferson's huge beer gut and bad case of the tetters. But close enough that I'll be able to put my two patsies... I mean proxies in important community positions. I'm feeling better about my chances because I feel better about my choices. I'm this close to being able to pardon myself from all of that child support. God bless America.

    Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!

  26. #76
    SIR,HOW DO YOU DO IT? I HAVE COPIES OF BOTH THOSE CLASSIC BOOT LEGS AT DA CRIB..YOU KNOW ALL THE STARS AND IT SEEMS THAT MOST OF EM OWE YOU A FAVOR WHICH IS GOOD FOR OUR COUNTRY...[and getting you out of tight spots,hehe]SIR YOUR QUICK WIT AND GREASY PALM IS THE STUFF OF GENIUS[and smart too]WHERE WOULD THIS COUNTRY,AND DA HOOD BE WITHOUT YOU? RUN-JERRY RUN!!

  27. #77
    SIR,AS IT GETS CLOSER TO YOUR BIG DAY,MANY FOLKS IN DA HOOD WANT TO BE A PART OF YOUR ADMINISTRATION AND A PART OF HISTORY...[but mostly because they wanna get paid]MY OFFICE IS GETTING MANY APPLICATIONS..[but mostly hand written notes and pleas]FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE,AND SOME STRANGE LIFE IS HERE IN DA HOOD,I HAVE A LETTER HERE FROM A DR.SMACKSMOOT WHO SAYS THAT HE CAN GET YOU A GOOD DEAL ON MASK...[not covid-just mask]..ALSO A MS.WINK..[she says that you would get the message]..HERE'S ONE FROM A PROF.MULINIMILISISM..[he says that his name alone should be enough to get him in]..AND ONE FROM BROTHER MUMBLES DA NUMBERS MAN..[he says that you should abolish the lottery and bring back the street numbers and let him run it]..THERE'S ONE HERE FROM MAMA SMALLTALK WHO SAYS THAT SHE'S A TRAINED DOG WALKER AND ROOT WORKER,SO SIR AS YOU CAN SEE EVERYBODY WANTS IN..DA HOOD IS YOURS SIR-RUN JERRY RUN!!

  28. #78
    And I love my supporters. I wrote responses to every single letter that I've received but my tab with the Post Office is now over $30,000 and they won't let me send anything until I cough up the loot. I checked the GoFundMe for the little sick kids and so far it's only received $18.17 in pledges (against which I've borrowed $9,353.58 to upgrade the Lincoln). I really need donations right now because I can't afford to file bankruptcy yet and until I do, I'm gonna need to keep hiding out in the Sears & Roebuck bathroom until after they close to make sure they lock their tills. I figure it's a lesson learned when they find out the loot is gone so it's not like stealing or something (which I'm mostly against). They got smart two weeks ago and had a security guard (Brother Muhammad Epstein from Temple #12 on Mydude Street downtown) who brought his Doberman with him. But Brother Epstein weighs 585 pounds after his appearance on My 600 Pound Life and went into a diabetic coma after eating a bag of Twinkies that I left by the front door and his dog is so fat it only walks so I got out by moonwalking after I took the cash from the cash register knowing that it couldn't catch me. I should probably feel bad but when I remind myself that I'm doing it all for the people, I sleep easy at night. Anyways, let the folks know that when I win, I'm going to write thank you letters to everybody (I plan to take 5 minutes out of every day to write them until I'm caught up). I love my people but I love the ones who send cash the most.

    Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!

  29. #79
    SIR,SINCE YOUR WONDERFUL NEWS ABOUT WRITING THANK YOU NOTES,CROWDS HAVE BEEN GATHERING AT THE[BERTHA BUTT MEMORIAL LIBRARY]WAITING FOR THEIR NAMES TO BE MENTIONED...[most of these voters don't go to the post office because they don't have mailboxes]THEY DON'T HAVE POST OFFICE BOXES EITHER BECAUSE ALL THE BOXES ARE FULL OF BILLS FROM THE POST OFFICE,BUT THEY ARE HERE RAIN OR SHINE WAITING TO HEAR YOUR LETTERS,DA HOOD IS YOURS!

  30. #80
    Oh, cool. I just saw where I can type one letter and put different information in it to make it look like it went to different people. I can type up one of those letters and in half a day make it look like I took care to write to all of my voters. For example:

    Dear [name]: Thank you for your kind [object] of support. This road is difficult and having [description] like you behind me makes it all worth it. I look forward to [verb] you again and hope you're [verb 2] for me as soon as possible. Your dear [relationship] for life, Jerry Oz.

    I used that letter and was able to write the following:

    Dear LadeTashitina: Thank you for your kind donation of loot of support. This road is difficult and having donors with deep pockets like you behind me makes it all worth it. I look forward to fleecing you again and hope you're sending more money for me as soon as possible. Your dear public servant for life, Jerry Oz.

    (also)

    Dear Alvin: Thank you for your kind words (you cheap SOB) of support. This road is difficult and having hangers on with nothing more than a vote and a hand out for help like you behind me makes it all worth it. I look forward to avoiding you again and hope you're losing contact information for me as soon as possible. Your dear nightmare if you keep bugging me for life, Jerry Oz.

    They'll all think that I'm writing to them personally! And I'll make the letters to people that I don't like public to embarrass everybody into sending me money instead of all of those annoying requests to help them get jobs. Game changer.

  31. #81
    SIR,YOUR POPULARITY IS BECOMING LEGENDARY,WORD ON DA STREET IS THAT TWO BIG THINGS ARE IN THE WORKS..ONE THE CREATION OF THE[two and a half dollar bill]WITH YOUR PICTURE ON IT OF COURSE..[two and a half so if you get in trouble you won't have to pay the other half]AND THE PLANS FOR YOU TO BE IMMOBILIZED-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..IMMORTALIZED WITH A STATUE,NOW THE NAMES BEING THROWN OUT-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AROUND ARE DA HOOD'S OWN..[CLAYPOT'S CLERMONT]WHO RUNS CLERMONTS CLAY AND BUTTERBEANS EMPORIUM AT THE SOUTH EDGE OF DA HOOD,AND..[MUDPACK MICKY]WHO RUNS-MICKY'S MUDBATH AND MUSTARD GREENS JOINT,SIR THESE ARE JUST TWO HONORS AWAITING YOU-RUN JERRY RUN.

  32. #82
    I'm honored. Sort of. I mean, if they're going to use the photo of me in my cornrows on the two fitty, I'm on board. But if they drag out the one from the '80s of me in my Jheri curls and with that gold tooth that I swallowed when I passed out at Harvey's Head Shop & Chili (after eating a bad bean) then I might have to file an injunction. Seeing that gold tooth every time I pulled out my wallet would break my heart. And the statues will come in handy when I'm being chased... I mean if I have a need to evade some of my adoring public. I can just stand still in a hood full of Jerry Oz statues and they'll run right by. I love my people. But they need to send in their loot. I might have to do a PSA encouraging them to spend all of their EBT on the first of the month and then sell the food for half price (in cash) and send the cheddar my way. This can't be a one way relationship with me loving them with no reciprocation. But I know they'll do the right thing to make sure I reach my potential. I mean to make sure I can make things better for all of my voters. I need to go out and find some baby with a mask so I can kiss it for my campaign ads. Finding that video camera on the counter at the pawn shop when the owner went back to check my slip for the pager I hocked was the best thing that happened to me last week. I asked if it belonged to anybody and since nobody answered (nobody was in the shop) I just assumed it was finders keepers. It'll keep my expenses for the ads low and I can make extra campaign loot by filming "blue" movies and selling them on the street. Of course, my version of a "blue" movie is pointing the camera at a blue wall for 90 minutes. If somebody made the mistake and thought that the half-naked lady on the box meant it was some other kind of flick, I can't be held responsible. That's between them and their pastors, ya know? Anyway, those babies ain't kissing themselves so I have to head out. Remember:

    Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!

  33. #83
    WELL SIR,PUCKER UP BECAUSE WHEN WORD GOT OUT ABOUT THE BABY KISSING ALL THE[BABY MAMA'S]IN DA HOOD ARE LINING UP...[it's a long line sir]THEY'RE WILLING TO DONATE A QUARTER FROM EACH WELFARE-STIMILUS CHECK FOR EACH BABY KISSED...[and some of these mama's have five -six babies]BUT BY THE TIME YOU KISS EACH AND EVERYONE OF THESE LITTLE BRAT'S-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..LITTLE BABES YOUR COFFERS WILL BE LOOKING GOOD,OH ONE SMALL TINY LITTLE THING SIR-HEHE-AHEM-UMM..SIR SOME OF THEM WANT YOU TO CHANGE THE PAMPERS BEFORE YOU KISS EM,IT SEEMS THAT ONCE THE WORD GOT OUT THE RUSH TO BE THE FIRST IN LINE IS SO GREAT THAT SOME OF THE LITTLE TYKES WILL HAVE TO BE CHANGED,IF I MAY SUGGEST SIR THAT YOU SHOW UP ON THE FIRST OF THE MONTH SO THAT CHECKS CAN BE CASHED...[sir you might want to wear something made with rubber in case of any and most likely little accidents-poo-pee,little things like that]WE ARE CHANGING BABIES AFTER ALL...OPPS...DID I SAY WE??? YOU SIR,IT'S ALL FOR YOU DA MAMA'S IN DA HOOD AWAIT YOU SIR...[you may want to practice pamper changing sir]RUN JERRY RUN!

  34. #84
    I might have to give that some thought. The last time I signed a contract to kiss babies for cash that included changing diapers, some funny guy scribbled "mamas" into the contract right after the word "baby" and I wound up changing adult diapers for 358 babies mamas. It was that or I was going to be Sued and that wouldn't have ended well because Sue was the first in line and she was a 6'4" 435 pound former wrestler and I'm pretty sure she would have pounded me into dust. But with that being said, let me do the cost benefit analysis of having my stunt double (my cousin Boogie Boo who looks kind of like me in dark light) doing it for me. Wearing a mask, they couldn't tell the difference in the dark. Boogie Boo will do it for $35 (which will pay for his fix for the next week) and if I can clear $60 (not including all of the Pepto-Bismol and cotton that Boogie Boo will need to stuff in his nose (let alone the PTSD therapy)), then I might be able to work it out. If I can get $60 on top of what Boogie Boo needs, then I can take $20 of it to Highway Harry's Strip Club & Recyclables and change a couple of babes instead of babies. It'll be a win-win-win-win. Babies get kissed/changed, Boogie Boo stays out of the joint for a couple of hours, I get to campaign for the girls at Highway Harry's and I'll come out with $40 on top of everything.

    Things are falling into place! Looks like I'm going to the Whites House, y'all!!!

  35. #85
    HOW DO YOU DO IT SIR?...[NIXON WOULD BE PROUD]YOU ARE TRULY...DA MAN,WELL SIR AS ALWAYS,SOMETHING IS ALWAYS BREWING IN DA HOOD AND WITH THE [4TH OF JULY]COMING UP ALTHOUGH NO FIREWORKS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THAT NEVER STOPPED FOLKS DOWN HERE,WITH THAT SAID...[MATCHLIGHT MOOCHIE]THE DUDE IN CHARGE OF FIREWORKS-WINK-WINK HAS SOME ILL-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..INTERGRATED SPARKLERS..[only ten tons of tnt]AND ROCKETS...[only two hundred tons of fuel]AND DUUFUSS GOT HIS HANDS ON SOME MISSILES...[nobody ever ask where he gets them]AND DA FOLKS WANT YOU TO LIGHT THE FUSE TO GET THIS CELEBRATION GOING...[the fuse is a hundred feet long so that you can get to safety]THOSE RUMORS OF A MOUNTAIN TOP IN OUTER MONGOLIA BEING BLOWN OFF IS A LIE STARTED BY THE OTHER PARTY TO DISCREDIT YOUR CAMPAINE SIR...[the fact that duufuss was spotted in the area is just a coincidence]ANYHOW SIR THIS WILL BE A FUN TIME FOR ALL AND IF AND WHEN ANY OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT CARS SHOW UP ONCE THEY SEE YOU ALL WILL BE GOOD,YOU CAN VOUCH FOR DA HOOD...[before the tanks roll in]HEHE,THEY SEEM TO THINK THAT DA HOOD IS A DANGER TO THE COUNTRY,WE JUST LIKE TO CELEBRATE LIKE ANYONE ELSE...[those little missile silos will be taken down before dawn]SO SIR WE HOPE TO SEE YOU ON THIS BIG AMERICAN DAY,AS ALWAYS DA HOOD IS YOURS-RUN JERRY RUN!

  36. #86
    Wow. That all sounds like a lot of fun but since I'm not allowed to touch anything loud as a condition of my release, I'm prolly gonna have to pass. Rumor has it that I was found drunk and with a hammer at the bottom of a missile silo in North Dakota, banging away on a bomb. I told them it could have been any black guy down there doing it and they had no evidence, they brought up the fact that they caught me in the act and there wasn't another black dude in North Dakota that month. I still think their case was flimsy and since I was blackout drunk, I dispute their version of facts. But since that and the time I tied a torch to a monkey's tail and let it run loose through an M80 factory, I have the unfair lable of being a public threat who shouldn't be permitted anywhere near bombs, fireworks, gasoline, kerosene, nitro-glycerine, nuclear power plants or Ex-lax. I expect to get the record expunged sometime in the next 20 years and going to the 4th of July celebration might push that back by another 30 years or so. I might send Boogie Boo with his mask (if it's out of the washer by then, not sure how all of that blood got on it) and maybe if he keeps his mouth shut, my fans will think he's me. Tell the folks that I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to pass on this one. But also, to keep the loot flowing. The 4th of July is during the first week of the month and they shouldn't spend all of their EBT at the celebration when they know that I need the cash more than they do. Sharing is caring! Thanks again, Homeboy!

  37. #87
    SIR,I'VE HAD TALKS WITH THE RECLUELESS-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..RECLUSIVE LAND OWNER WHO RESIDES AT THE FAR END OF DA HOOD ON HIS FARM...[he doesn't actually grow anything,because the soil is rotten]BUT ANYHOW IT IS A LOT OF LAND AND[BARON RECLUSE...not his real name because he's got some baby mamas lurking and he won't pay alimony]ANYHOW SIR,THE BARON IS A BIG FAN OF YOURS....[he also owes a lot of back taxes]AND HE WANTS YOU TO CONSIDER USING HIS FARM FOR YOUR PRESIDENTIAL GETAWAY,INSTEAD OF CAMP DAVID THIS WOULD BE A WHOLE NEW THING IN HISTORY...[and he hopes you can get him off the hook with the IRS]THERE'S PLENTY OF LAND HERE,AND YOU CAN GO[QUICKSAND HUNTING]OR SWAMP GOLFING OR BIG GAME HUNTING IN DA WEEDS..[lots of weeds sir]...[there's actually no game here but just finding your way out is an adventure in itself]BUT THE BARON HAS A BIG HOUSE AND HE ALSO HAS SNAPPING TURTLES..[put here to keep out the feds and the baby mamas]IT WOULD BE A DIFFERENT KIND OF PRESIDENTIAL THING THAT YOU MAY GET A KICK OUT OF..ONE SMALL THING SIR..REMEMBER TO WEAR BOOTS TO KEEP THE SNAPPERS AT BAY,BUT THE BARON SAYS THAT AFTER A FEW DAYS THEY CALM DOWN,THERE'S ALSO FISHING HERE...[do you like swamp guppees sir?]THEY ONLY SWIM HERE,WELL SIR THE BARON WANTED YOU TO GET THE INVITE FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION..IT'S LOCATED WAY DOWN AT THE SOUTHERN TIP OF DA HOOD JUST PAST DA CONTAMINATED SALT AN LAME WATER PLANT...[just follow the stench sir]IT'S JUST OFF SOULTRAIN LANE,WELL I KNOW YOU'RE A BUSY MAN SO I'LL AWAIT YOUR WORD,THANK YOU SIR...RUN JERRY RUN!
    Last edited by arr&bee; 06-29-2020 at 12:27 PM.

  38. #88
    I'll have to have my advisors look into that. If the Baron is on the up and up (besides that tax thing) then maybe I can work it out for a small financial consideration to my political action committee. But if he's got things in his background that might get the attention of my parole offic... my chief advisor then Imma have to find some other terms to accept his cash. I mean work with him. And correct me if I heard wrong but I thought that the Baron's snapping turtles was what he called his babies' mamas, not what he used to keep them away. Or maybe he called them pit bulls. Something, I dunno. Anyway, I'm leery of any "fish" found down in that part of the hood because I know there was a huge hole in the sewer line out of the hood and a lot of those fish don't swim (although a bunch of them float). I might be able to have the EPA consider his property a toxic site and funnel a few million dollars in his direction if he can make sure a couple of them make their way back. After all, I'm planning on ordering a pair of gators for my inauguration and they don't buy themselves so I need these people to start pulling my weight. But once again, I lvoe my voters. Let them know that I'm recording a YouTube video just for them to express my appreciation and I'm going to post it as soon as I figure out how to make them pay to watch it. This thing is going to happen. When I called to find my poll results this morning, instead of asking who I am, they told me that their lawyers would contact me if I continued to call them. So that means the polling companies know about me and that's a huge step to legitimacy. I can feel the love! Anyway, Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!

  39. #89
    SIR,I WAS OVER AT DA-LOCAL POLITICAL CENTER AN JUTEBOX EMBASSARIUM THE OTHER DAY,WHEN THE SUBJECT OF YOUR RUNNING MATE CAME UP I EXPLAINED TO THE GENTLEMEN THERE THAT YOU MORE THAN LIKELY HAVE YOUR NO.2 IN MIND BUT YOU'RE SO LOVED HERE...[and they wanna get paid]THAT THEY WANNA KNOW IF YOU WOULD CONSIDER PICKING SOMEONE FROM RIGHT HERE IN DA HOOD,NOW SOME NAMES WERE THROWN AROUND...[one almost hit me]SUCH AS ..RUNNIN RODNEY..[he doesn't do much except run all over da hood,from his days of running from the cops]HE JUST KEEPS RUNNING BUT HE KNOWS YOU AND WANTS TO RUN WITH YOU..[I've tried to explain to him but he always reminds me that he has his GED from night school]ANOTHER POTENTIAL CANDIDATE IS-SMARTMOUTH SMITTY..[so named because he thinks he's always talking smart to folks although nobody knows what he's talking about]BUT HE CLAIMS TO KNOW POLITICS AND WANTS TO BE ON THE TICKET..[mostly a meal ticket]NOW THERE IS ONE WHO MIGHT FIT THE BILL SIR-DEBBIE DEBATER,THAT'S RIGHT SIR A FEMALE BUT SHE GOT HER NAME BECAUSE OF HER ABILITY TO TALK HER WAY OUT OF LEGAL JAMS...[she got into a bit of trouble some time back because of certain night activities]BUT SHE'S BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-SOCIALIZED AND HAS BEEN READING ABOUT POLITICS AND SHE ACTUALLY GRADUATED FROM REFORM SCHOOL WITH A CERTIFICATE IN CERTIFICATION,WELL SIR THEY WANT TO STAND WITH YOU ON THE PODIUM,JUST WANNA GIVE YOU A HEADS UP..RUN JERRY RUN.

  40. #90
    I might have to let a few folks down. Artie "The Murderous Lech" found me sleeping in the trunk of the Lincoln yesterday. Didn't know that Mrs. Murderous Lech had a GPS on her phone or I wouldn't have let her sleep with me because that's how he found me. When he cracked open the trunk and found us platonically resting (it might have looked bad because we both sleep better in the nude) he asked what was going on. I had to think on my feet (or actually, my butt) and told him that she was there to vouch for him as a vice-presidential candidate and that as far as what she shared, everything felt good (that part was actually quite true) and that I was leaning heavily toward making him my VP. Artie was so excited, he offered to cancel half of my debt if I let him run with me. I'm really not, but I can't announce that just yet. But suffice it to say, if I announce any of your homeboys as my veep, Artie will kill them before they can sober up to accept. Thanks for looking out for me but I'll announce my vice-president at the convention after "interviewing" a few more of the candidates' wives.

  41. #91
    GULP...NOBODY IN DA HOOD MESSES WITH ARTIE,THIS GUY IS SO TOUGH THAT ONCE HE WENT INTO GRADY'S TO COLLECT HIS PROTECTION MONEY..[little know fact-even Grady pays tribute to this gangster]WELL GRADY DECIDES THAT HE'S NOT GONNA PAY SO HE INVITE ARTIE TO ONE OF HIS SPECIAL MEALS[the kind that sends ordinary folks to the hospital]WELL ARTIE NOT ONLY ATE TWO HELPINGS BUT HAD A SLICE OF GRADY'S-INFAMOUS COCONUT CAKE,BELCHED AND TOLD GRADY THAT HE HAD UNTIL SUNDOWN TO GET THAT MONEY,GRADY THOUGH HE HAD SEEN THE LAST OF ARTIE..[since nobody in da hood has EVER survived two of his meals]UNTIL ARTIE SHOWED UP FIT AS A FIDDLE TO COLLECT...GRADY PAID UP AND NOBODY EVER MISSES A PAYMENT TO ARTIE....INCLUDING ME-GULP!!!

  42. #92
    I might have gotten lucky. Arturo dropped his cell phone when he was reaching for his gun after finding out about my "interview" with Mrs. The Murderous Lech and I figured out his password (IK1LL4L00T&FUN - it's tattooed to his forearm and I figured there must be a reason). Anyway, he took selfies of himself smiling with the bodies after his last 22 murders and the photos managed to find their way to the cloud along with a message from an anonymous source that my debt needs to be forgiven or they would find their way to the police. When he asked if I sent the note, I asked him "What note?" while offering him a large bag of Ruffles and he seemed to think that somebody else was behind the extortion. With that being said, since I'm no longer in debt to The Murderous Lech, I can offer my veep slot to the highest bidder. When opportunity knocks... Besides all of that, I was able to pawn the cell phone off while wearing an old Richard Nixon Halloween mask and made enough to put $10 in my Lincoln AND get a happy meal from Grady's. I should have bought lottery tickets with the loot but I've never been smart with money on an empty stomach.

  43. #93
    SIR,ONCE AGAIN YOU GOTTEN OUT OF A TIGHT JAM WITH YOUR WIT...[and a lucky drop of the phone,hehe]WORD WILL SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE AND THE CANDIDATES WILL BE LINING UP,THE SUN CAN SHINE ON DA HOOD ONCE AGAIN SIR WITH YOU AS THE BEST CON-MAN-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..WITH THE CONFIDENCE OF DA PEOPLE THIS COUNTRY WILL ONCE AGAIN BE RESTORED...SIR WORD ON DA STREET SAYS THAT[RUDY'S RUSTBOTTOM AN BALDTIRE GARAGE]DOWN AT THE CORNER OF-75TH & J.J.WALKER LN]IS OFFERING A FREE GAS EM UP FOR THE LINCOLN WHENEVER YOU'RE DOWN HIS WAY..[and he's way down]EVER SINCE HE FIXED[PIMPIN PHIL'S]CADDY SOME YEARS BACK AND THE MOTOR FELL OUT AS THE ONLY THING THAT SAVED RUSTY WAS THE FACT THAT THE COPS WERE HOT ON PIMPIN'S TAIL AND RUSTY HAD TO MOVE TO THE LOW END OF DA HOOD FOR HIS SAFETY...[Pimpin is doing 75 to life]BUT RUSTY AIN'T TAKING NO CHANCES..[you may not recognize him today sir]RUSTY WAS A TALL GUY BUT HE HAD SPECIAL SURGERY SO TODAY HE'S-4'6 EVEN WITH LIFTS AND A TOP HAT..WELL SIR THAT'S THE WORD OF DA DAY-RUN JERRY RUN!

  44. #94
    I was on my way to get gas from Rusty but I stopped by Grady's on the way and got a bowl of his black beans and beef liver stew and now, I have more gas than I can use. I'm actively negotiating with Goodyear to see if they want to purchase some for the blimps but I'm holding out for filling up five and they only want to buy enough for three. If I fill up three, I still have to get rid of the rest of it and that might not be a good thing. The last time I had this much gas, I went to the beach and farted in the water moments before nine Blue Whales beached themselves on the shore. If it wasn't for all of the buzzards circling ten feet over my head, I might have gotten away with it. I'm seconds away from an environmental disaster of huge dimenision if I sneeze or hiccup, so I might have to go ahead with the three blimp deal. Heck, I might give them a buy-three-get-two special just to feel better. Besides, I have another few bowls of stew and I can't eat them until I make room. I tried to buy some bicarb from the drug store but they're out of the industrial strength formulation and the regular stuff only makes my problem worse. Anyway, it's too hot to drive the Lincoln with the windows down and driving with them up so I can use the air conditioner is a potentially fatal blunder at this point. What if I run over a pothole? Sneeze? I'll figure it out. Tell Rusty I'll be there as soon as I can figure out a safe way to do it. If I recall correctly, Rusty is a smoker and striking a match anywhere within 20 yards of me could leave the hood flat. Thanks for the head's up! I'm dropping off another 3,000 absentee ballots on the corner of Tupac Lane and Weezy Jefferson Blvd. at midnight. If you could fill 'em out and have them back on the corner in a plain unmarked box by Friday, I'd appreciate it. Make sure you don't leave any fingerprints on them or put my name on the box anywhere. I don't want people to think I'm dirty dealing. Peace out!

  45. #95
    YOU GOT IT SIR,I'LL HAVE ONE OF MY SEXY-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..SECRETARIES ON IT PRONTO,IF I MAY SUGGEST THAT ON YOUR WAY TO RUSTY'S YOU STOP OFF AND SEE THE LUGG-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..LEADING GASTRONOMICAL DR.IN DA HOOD[DR.POOF]HE'S DEVELOPED A NEW ANTI-GAS FORMULA THAT'S A BLAST..[now sir as with most meds today,there's a small side effect]YOU'LL LOSE CONTROL OF ALL BOWER FUNCTIONS FOR OH SAY SIXTY DAYS OR 3 MONTHS[WHICHEVER COMES FIRST]...[oh and sir you can't be within ten miles of a city or small mongolian village..whichever comes first]BUT THE GOOD DR.WILL FILL YOUR DEPENDS PRESCRIPTIONS..[but only every fourth Sunday]OH AND YOU MAY WANT TO GET GOOD PLUNGER AND A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF TP,WHICH THE DR.WILL GLADLY THROW IN FOR A SMALL SURCHARGE...[or a place in your cabinet sir...you may need him during your first term]WELL SIR I HOPE THIS GOOD MEDICAL INFO WAS HELPFUL..[OF COURSE SIR THIS MAY GIVE NEW MEANING TO-RUN JERRY RUN]I REMAIN IN YOUR CORNER SIR!!

  46. #96
    It won't be necessary. I filled up the five blimps but still was running high pressure in my gut and was a danger to others. So I did the only thing I could think of, which is I drove up to Michigan and after the sun went down, I climbed into Lake Michigan and swam out about 20 yards before releasing whirlwind (or maybe whirlpool, as it turned out). I probably should have aimed out towards Ohio instead of straight down because the resulting earthquake released energy to shake Detroit and flattened the old Pistons hangout in Auburn Hills.

    Now, I don't mind tearing down the Palace but if I'd known I had it in me, I would have done it when Isiah Thomas, Dennis Rodman, Bill Laimbeer and the Bad Boys were still playing. I might have to sneak out of the state before they try to charge me with vandalism. But not all is bad news because the rumbler dislodged enough dirt and debris from the bottom of the lake that Jimmy Hoffa popped out of his hiding place and now, that mystery has been solved. I'll write a book about it one day when I get a new pen and a tablet of paper. Maybe I can blame it on my opponent in the fall and put it in a campaign ad. Anyway, I feel a whole lot better.

    Time to eat another bowl of stew. I bought some jalapeno peppers and prune juice that I'm using to spruce up Grady's black bean and beef liver stew. I think it's gonna be pretty tasty. Hopefully, that whole thing with the gas is over.

  47. #97
    SIR,GRADY IS USING YOUR VISIT TO START A NEW LINE OF CLOTHING..[BLACK BEANS MATTER] TEE SHIRTS ARE TURNING UP ALL OVER DA HOOD...[sir since this was inspired by you then some of the proceeds should go towards your campaign because Grady is gonna make a mint]WATCH HIM SIR OR HE'LL GET RICH OFF YOUR GOOD NAME..NEVER EVER TURN YOUR BACK ON GREASY GRADY!!

  48. #98
    That sounds good as long as I'm not going to get sued when somebody eats at Grady's, thinking I'm endorsing it. Project Greenpeace just sued me for the cost of getting those Blue Whales back in the water (they really didn't want to go back in the water and I can't say that I blame them) and the EPA has declared my swimming trunks a hazardous waste site. This is all bad publicity for my campaign. My mentor (I.M. Ashyster) taught me that there's no such thing as bad publicity except for bad publicity and it'll be bad if I have to explain why I killed every fish, seal, whale, sea bird, starfish, clam, oyster, sea turtle and life guard within a 15 square mile area. And I don't want to blame Grady because if I do, people will flock to his restaurant and it'll take weeks for me to get another bowl of black beans and beef liver stew. By the way, the prune juice and jalapenos really kicked it up a notch flavor wise but I'm probably going to take a trip up to Lake Erie tonight and go for another swim. I called Bromo-Seltzer to ask if they wanted to take on my case and they threatened me with legal action if I didn't lose their number. It's all good. I'll fix all of this next year after I'm president.

  49. #99
    SIR,YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYONE SUING YOU AFTER EATING AT GRADY'S...[they'll just be glad to get out of intensive care]BUT GRADY IS USING YOUR NAME TO GET A DISCOUNT ON THOSE BLACK BEANS..[THEY'RE GROWN ON A BLACK SOIL AND VOLCANIC ASH FARM DEEP IN THE JUNGLES OF BORA BORA AT THE EDGE OF THE SMALLEST ISLAND]HE WAS BANNED FROM THE ISLAND BACK IN[1968]FOR EXPORTING BLUE ASHES WITHOUT PAYING THE ASH FARMERS WHO WENT BROKE...[Grady uses blue ash in his infamous blue bread ] WHICH THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT MADE HIM STOP SERVING BECAUSE FOLKS WERE HAVING HULLUCINATIONS AND CRAVING THE COLOR BLUE,ANYHOW HE'S TELLING THE GOVERNMENT OF BORA BORA THAT THE NEW PRESIDENT WILL COVER ALL COST OF HIS NEW PROJECT..UM SIR THAT WOULD BE YOU...[Grady tried to contact the present administration but they were deep in the bunker and wouldn't take his calls]THIS COULD CAUSE AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT SIR,YOU MAY WANT TO SPEAK TO GRADY ABOUT IT,OR BETTER YET HAVE ARTIE SPEAK TO HIM,JUST A HEADS UP SIR!

  50. #100
    Artie's not going to help me. His wife just told him that the rabbit died and he's pee o'ed at somebody for it. He asked her who was responsible and she told him that I was, so he's looking for me with renewed anger. Fortunately, I was gasing up at Rusty's before I was gonna gas out in Lake Erie and the Murderous Lech hasn't hung out at Rusty's since he drove off without leaving a tip in 1984 and Rusty promised to never again give him S&H trading stamps again. Of course this ticked Artie off because he only needed another 30 stamps before he could cash out and get that assault rifle/chain saw combination that he'd circled in the S&H catalog. He'd collected for 23 years and when Rusty cut him off, it's what led to his life of disorganized crime... A dark day for the hood. Anyway, I'm gonna talk to the leader of Bora Bora and tell him that I have nothing to do with Grady or his dirty dealings. I'll tell him that as far as I'm concerned, he can kick Grady's ash out of Bora Bora forever. I have other things to deal with right now, seeing that Artie knows why the rabbit died. I can't help it if women love me, I think they love what I represent, which is a guy who is smart, handsome, independently wealthy, funny, sweet, considerate, quick thinking and very humble. I gotta figure this out quick because I have campaign events coming up that I don't want Artie to interrupt but he's so ticked off about that rabbit dying that I don't think he's going to leave it be. I knew when his wife climbed in the trunk of the Lincoln with that darned rabbit, it was a bad idea. I heard the bones breaking when I rolled over on it but I honestly didn't think I killed it. If I have to cough up $18 to buy Artie another rabbit, it'll mean I have to work overtime to make up for the loot. And here I was thinking about using a rabbit as a mascot! Wife comes at you fast.

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