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  1. #51
    I thought this was kind of funny.

    BROTHERTON: HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY
    BY BILL BROTHERTON| July 1, 2019
    It’s the morning of July 2, 1777 and John and Abigail Adams are sitting at the kitchen table in their Braintree home, sipping a mug of Dunkin’ regular and munching on a Dolly Madison coffee cake. “How big of a crowd are we having for our Fourth of July cookout,” asked Abigail.
    “Well babe, I got RSVPs from Tommy Jefferson, who’s bringing his wife Martha and lady friend Sally Hemings. Jimmy Monroe’s coming solo, and Benji Franklin and his baby mama …” “I don’t know why you always invite that blowhard Franklin. You and he always get into disagreements about something or other, especially after he’s had a few of your Cousin Samuel’s summer ales. I’d tell him to go fly a kite, but that’s just me.”
    John takes a slug of coffee and stares at the to-do list Abigail has placed in front of him. “There’s a lot here, babe. I see you want me to paint the house. By July 4. I don’t think even the Continental Congress could make that happen.”
    “Well, you’ve been dawdling for months John. Please do the porch, at least. I’d like the house to shine. White. A big white house. I’m sick of watching the neighbors shake their heads in disgust and flip us the bird every time they ride by.”
    “Gimme a break, babe. It’s a legal holiday. A day off from the rat race. No work allowed. Like Super Bowl Sunday.” John thinks a minute. “OK. I’ll paint the porch. But first, I have to ride up to tax-free New Hampshire to buy sparklers, bottle rockets and assorted fireworks.”
    “You better call John Hancock to make sure our insurance covers ‘blown-off fingers,'” interjects Abigail, rolling her eyes. John continues. “Then I have to go to Ye Olde Market Basket to purchase foodstuffs for our party. Their parking lot will be packed; I hope I can find a good spot to hitch up the horse and buggy.”
    Abigail smiles. “Thank you for agreeing to paint the porch, hon. It’s only fair. It’ll take me forever to clean the house, especially with that clumsy kerosene-powered Herbert Hoover Vacuum with that damned hose that always kinks up. Vacuuming sucks.”
    John grabs a quill pen and dips the tip in ink, and adds a trip to Walmart to his to-do list. “I’ll have to scrape the porch bare before I paint. Comments on Yelp praise the new Bernie™ sanders. I’ll buy one of those,” he mutters to himself. “And I’ll put up red, white and blue bunting, too.”
    Abigail asks about the menu. “Well, Cousin Sammy’s bringing the booze: Boston Lager, Porch Rocker and Sam ’76. The ABV is really low on those; it’ll be tough to get a good buzz on. Perhaps I should stop at the packie and buy a bottle of Fireball Cinnamon whisky.
    “Of course, we’ll have Boston baked beans, steak tips, bison burgers, Nathan’s Famous Skinless Beef Franks. Maybe we’ll have a hotdog-eating contest to keep things fun; that’d be a swell Independence Day tradition. I already picked up chips and munchies, and Joe Frogger molasses cookies.”
    John could not contain his excitement. “For starters, I thought I’d barbecue some piping plover. There are nests of those critters all over the yard. I know it’s illegal to disturb them, but I don’t care. Nothing’s yummier than piping hot plover.” “And there will be numerous festive games: badminton, cornhole, sack races, a huge bonfire at midnight,” he continues. “We’ll have an Independence Day-joke contest. I’ve been practicing mine: ‘Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom,’ ‘What did the pirate say when he got his Fourth of July firecrackers? Ahoy M-80.’ ‘Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? Because his Tesla was in the shop.’ “
    “And I’ve hired a band, Paul Revere and the Raiders, to perform rocking versions of ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy,’ ‘God Bless America,’ ‘Stars and Stripes Forever,’ and Lil Nas X’s ‘Old Town Road.’ Huzzah!” However your family celebrates Independence Day, have fun and recognize how fortunate we are to live in America.

  2. #52
    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...dang,i shoulda come up with those [histerical]facts..happy fourth!!

  3. #53
    Quote Originally Posted by arr&bee View Post
    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...dang,i shoulda come up with those [histerical]facts..happy fourth!!
    I thought it was funny in a different type of way


    edafan

  4. #54
    Here's another one:
    Name:  Rodney D.jpg
Views: 290
Size:  11.3 KB

    edafan

  5. #55
    Quote Originally Posted by edafan View Post
    Here's another one:
    Name:  Rodney D.jpg
Views: 290
Size:  11.3 KB

    edafan
    hehehehehehehehehe........ I miss him!

  6. #56
    " I tell ya, I get no respect!" A comedic maestro. Still remember saying "Back to School". Classic Dangerfield. Whole movie on YouTube.

  7. #57
    WHEN YOU LIE ON YOUR RESUME, BUT YOU STILL GET THE JOB
    Name:  Police Dog.jpg
Views: 276
Size:  10.5 KB

    POLICE DOG






    edafan
    Last edited by edafan; 07-12-2019 at 06:09 PM.

  8. #58
    Name:  Three Dog Night.jpg
Views: 271
Size:  11.9 KB

    edafan

  9. #59
    Quote Originally Posted by edafan View Post
    Name:  Three Dog Night.jpg
Views: 271
Size:  11.9 KB

    edafan
    what kind of dogs are those?

  10. #60
    Sleepy ones...hehe!!

  11. #61
    "It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."

    Rodney Dangerfield

  12. #62
    "Oh, I liked to have forgot it: The manager wanted me to announce that a lady by the name of Helen Hunt has found some lady's pocketbook. So if you want your pocketbook...go to Helen Hunt for it. Thank you very much."

    Moms Mabley

  13. #63
    Quote Originally Posted by sansradio View Post
    "Oh, I liked to have forgot it: The manager wanted me to announce that a lady by the name of Helen Hunt has found some lady's pocketbook. So if you want your pocketbook...go to Helen Hunt for it. Thank you very much."

    Moms Mabley
    "It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."

    Rodney Dangerfield

    very good contributions

    edafan

  14. #64
    Quote Originally Posted by lockhartgary View Post
    "It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."

    Rodney Dangerfield
    hehehehehehehehehehehehe!

  15. #65
    Quote Originally Posted by arr&bee View Post
    Sleepy ones...hehe!!
    They look like part dog, part piglet. LOL!

  16. #66
    Quote Originally Posted by sansradio View Post
    "Oh, I liked to have forgot it: The manager wanted me to announce that a lady by the name of Helen Hunt has found some lady's pocketbook. So if you want your pocketbook...go to Helen Hunt for it. Thank you very much."

    Moms Mabley
    When I lived in Jersey, there was a sign in a local establishment that read:

    Our credit manager's name is Helen Waite. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.

  17. #67
    Quote Originally Posted by lockhartgary View Post
    When I lived in Jersey, there was a sign in a local establishment that read:

    Our credit manager's name is Helen Waite. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.
    "Oh, I liked to have forgot it: The manager wanted me to announce that a lady by the name of Helen Hunt has found some lady's pocketbook. So if you want your pocketbook...go to Helen Hunt for it. Thank you very much."

    Moms Mabley

    very good

    edafan

  18. #68
    A FUNNY STORY
    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
    Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
    The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
    The little boy says, "Dark in here."
    The man says, "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice."
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No, thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "OK, how much?"
    Boy - "$150"
    Man - "Sold."
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
    Boy - "$350"
    Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    The boy says, "$500"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
    I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

  19. #69
    There are just too many joke lines I could add to this

    Name:  LIPS.jpg
Views: 215
Size:  82.1 KB

    edafan

  20. #70
    Name:  JIF.jpg
Views: 206
Size:  62.4 KB

    edafan

  21. #71
    Quote Originally Posted by edafan View Post
    Name:  JIF.jpg
Views: 206
Size:  62.4 KB

    edafan
    haaaaaaaaaaaa,good one!

  22. #72
    Name:  Keys.jpg
Views: 188
Size:  43.4 KB

    edafan

  23. #73
    Name:  Mel Blanc.jpg
Views: 181
Size:  98.0 KB

    edafan

  24. #74
    Quote Originally Posted by edafan View Post
    Name:  Mel Blanc.jpg
Views: 181
Size:  98.0 KB

    edafan
    Living Legend, Rich Little has that title now.
    These two have 200 voices each: Frank Caliendo & Jay Pharaoh.

  25. #75
    Name:  Middle Aged.jpg
Views: 167
Size:  90.9 KB

    all of the above

    edafan

  26. #76
    Whoever thought to do this is a genius
    Name:  Beatles pic.jpg
Views: 146
Size:  37.0 KB

    edafan

  27. #77
    Quote Originally Posted by edafan View Post
    Name:  JIF.jpg
Views: 206
Size:  62.4 KB

    edafan
    That is true. The next time she probably saw him was in a jar of Jiffy Peanut Butter! hehehehehehehehehehe!

  28. #78
    Quote Originally Posted by edafan View Post
    Name:  Middle Aged.jpg
Views: 167
Size:  90.9 KB

    all of the above

    edafan
    About half of those things are true for me.

  29. #79
    Kip Adotta dies.
    One of Addotta’s last Facebook posts this month showed his sometimes bizarre sense of humor.
    Addotta wrote, “An elderly couple is walking along when a pigeon flys [sic] over and drops one right on the old lady’s head. She says oh my god, get me some toilet paper. He says, what the hell for, he’s a half mile away by now!”
    He captured his career in the autobiography, "Confessions of a Comedian."

  30. #80
    Quote Originally Posted by edafan View Post
    Kip Adotta dies.
    One of Addotta’s last Facebook posts this month showed his sometimes bizarre sense of humor.
    Addotta wrote, “An elderly couple is walking along when a pigeon flys [sic] over and drops one right on the old lady’s head. She says oh my god, get me some toilet paper. He says, what the hell for, he’s a half mile away by now!”
    He captured his career in the autobiography, "Confessions of a Comedian."
    I remember Kip Adotta from the Tonight Show. This was funny. LOL! RIP KIP!

  31. #81
    Name:  Impala.jpg
Views: 100
Size:  13.9 KB

    edafan

  32. #82
    I thought I'd are something that made me laugh! From SCTV LOL!


  33. #83
    Doctor's Orders
    Name:  Doctors Orders.jpg
Views: 77
Size:  11.2 KB

    edafan

  34. #84
    FIND X

    Name:  Algebra Funny.jpg
Views: 67
Size:  9.1 KB


    edafan

    a math teacher

  35. #85
    Quote Originally Posted by edafan View Post
    A FUNNY STORY
    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
    Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
    The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
    The little boy says, "Dark in here."
    The man says, "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice."
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No, thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "OK, how much?"
    Boy - "$150"
    Man - "Sold."
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
    Boy - "$350"
    Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    The boy says, "$500"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
    I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

  36. #86
    Saw this one today on Facebook:
    Attached Images Attached Images    

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