Big Sally called and told me that he wants a DNA test for his niece, Sylvia "Little Silly With the Nunchukus" Gonnabombia who somehow got drunk in my basement and subsequently impregnated. Did you know that Little Silly was a virgin before she came over and watched the fight with me nine months ago? Me neither. When Big Sally asked if I did it, I had to feign laryngitis because he's kind of my human lie detector. I did write "I didn't touch her" on a Post-It note and he seemed satisfied until he flipped it over and saw where I wrote "much" on the back in 8 point type. Now he's asking me about different grades of concrete that he's going to use for my new shoes if I fail the DNA test. He knows I used to work in building construction and since I can't lie to him, I strongly recommended Portland concrete since it hardens in contact with water. That may have been a mistake.

Anyway, Big Sally asked to borrow $40 from me to buy the concrete and I probably shouldn't have done it but I floated him the loot. May have been a mistake since the only twenties I had were counterfeit and now the local news is flashing his photo saying that some idiot passed money that was printed on an ink jet printer at the local Home Depot. He's probably gonna be upset over that but hopefully he'll let me go when we talk about it. I plan on telling him that's why I normally go to Lowe's. Changing the subject can't hurt. Anyway, pray for me because Little Silly gave birth this afternoon and apparently the kid has the same triple jointed right shoulder and extra toe on his left foot that I have. Oh, and the same butterfly-shaped strawberry tattoo just under his left armpit. I told Big Sally that there are plenty of guys with those deformities and he said he was going to have to Google it. I probably didn't help when he asked how to spell "Google" and I told him G-U-G-L-E. It wasn't a lie because I didn't know the correct spelling but I can't imagine it's going to make things better. Especially since he borrowed my stolen laptop and it was on him when he got busted for the counterfeit thing.