Nosey's Tale and I'm Sticking to It!

**nosey** · 11-01-2011, 10:55 AM

Believe it or not this is the condensed version. Too many details and conversations to mention. I know I'm not the first to get her heart broken and won't be the last but I'm interested in knowing how many of you have similar tales.

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Ok, ok, that’s another tale. So here goes……..

It was the fall of 1967 when my sister and her husband set us up. He was my brother-in-law’s ex army buddy. I was 20 and he was 25. It was love at first sight for me. He was 6’2”, caramel color, had a nice body, [[those thighs were looking good in those pants) looking somewhat like Harry Belafonte; just eye candy. I was no slouch myself. Folks used to say I looked like Diana Ross with all of my own hair. LOL! He used to say, I looked like a Hawaiian to him. People often would comment that we were such a good looking couple. I digress.

Anyway, he was my first: my first drink, [[rum & coke) my first lobster dinner at the old Playmate Supper Club, my first driving instructor and my FIRST. After dating for @ 3 months, I was tired of being a virgin and I felt that if anything happened, we would get married. My sister tried to talk me out of it reminding me of my goal of being a virgin on my wedding night. But I felt so strongly that if things went awry, he would marry me. [[For you young uns back then if you got “knocked up” the guys in most cases would marry you.

Everything was perfect or so I thought. By the summer of ’68, he was starting to cut up but I would lay him out and things would be right again. He was a bus driver and I would find phone numbers that he would conveniently leave around his apartment but I concluded that he was a handsome man who was in the public and that women were going to give him their numbers whether he would use them or not. [[Say what?!) Anyway since I was so true blue I naively thought that he was as well. First mistake.

Well the inevitable happened. I indeed got pregnant and he resigned himself to marrying me. He just recently moved into a one bedroom apartment and we went to Sears to pick out the appliances and went to the doctor’s to get the required blood test to get married. . [[At that time, you had to get a blood test to rule out Syphilis.)

As the fates would have it, I started cramping at work and by the time I made it to the bathroom the baby gushed out. I was in my first trimester and suffice it to say, I was devastated. I started not to tell him and let him marry me under false pretenses but my conscience was whipping the crap out of me. I literally had an angel saying tell him the truth and a devil saying if you do, he won’t marry you. I decided to roll the dice and tell him the truth as I didn’t want to start my marriage off with a lie. After telling him the truth, I noticed that maybe a week had gone by and no “John”. When I called his apartment a strange man [[his cousin) answered the phone and said that “John” didn’t live there anymore that he was living in the projects with some woman. Who was SHE and when and where did she come from! I saw John regularly; at least 3 times a week and when he worked weekends, I sometimes rode the bus with him. I knew all his friends and double dated with “Jack & Jill” his best friend and his girlfriend and went to family dinners at his sister’s house. So who was this man stealer, this interloper?!! [[I found out later that she was an older woman who had a child and he moved in with her.)

I was devastated; however, I was raised to think that if someone doesn’t want you, LEAVE THEM ALONE! I knew what depot he worked out of but I didn’t take two steps to go there! My pride would not allow me to ask him anything! His disappearance and silence was all the answers I needed as he knew where I lived, and had both my work and home numbers so apparently he wanted no parts of me! Was it hard to do? HELL YEAH! But I was not going to beg someone to love me. Plus I always went by this credo: when one man says scat cat, another one says here kitty, kitty.

What was so hard was the blind side. I had no clue that he was cheating, let alone moving in with someone else. I just couldn’t understand what happened. Here I was a “good girl”, came from a good family, was intelligent, had morals and values but apparently “he was just not that into me” and when there was no baby, he threw me away like trash. [[When I saw him I told him that and he dropped his head. More about that later.)

Well it took 2 years for me to move on. During those 2 years I dated other guys, an ex-football player for the Eagles and a famous deceased celebrity that recorded for Motown who wanted me to go on tour with him but I was remaining celibate as I was hoping that “John” would come for me and I wanted to be able to say that I never cheated. [[Gag me somebody!)

I eventually met and married my husband and had the family I always wanted but I can assuredly say, I was never in love, love with my husband. He was such a happy-go-lucky, nice guy and the perfect man for me that one could say that I settled. We had a good run of 18 years before we decided to call it a day. “John” was never completely out of my thoughts but I had moved on, so I thought.

**nosey** · 11-01-2011, 10:56 AM

In 2009 by sister friend, Pat, told me about a web site called www.peoplefinder.com that’s a people locator. I tried it out with addresses that I knew to see how accurate it was and found myself! I then started looking for old playmates, long lost relatives and then I decided to look up old boyfriends. Well I found “John” in VA near his original home town. The web site gave me his home address, his phone number AND his email addy. Also, I delved a little further and Googled his name and his county web site came up with his current picture as he was now a county commissioner.

Armed with all of that information, I decided to do NOTHING! I was happy to know that he had done well in life but as far as I was concerned he was #1 someone else’s husband; #2 I didn’t want him to think that I was an internet stalker and #3, the last time I had checked, he didn’t want any parts of me!

How he found me: He called a friend to get another friends number who lived next door to one of my sister’s properties. My sister was given “John’s” number, she called him and gave him my number but my sister didn’t warn me that a call was forthcoming.

On Monday, January 10th I was propped up in bed watching TV when my phone rang. When I looked at the caller ID, I could not believe my eyes! If I had not been lying down, I would have fallen to the floor! It had been 42 years! I was a nervous wreck and when I’m nervous I tend to stutter! The conversation went like this:
John: Cyndy! Do you know who this is? It’s someone from your past!
Cyndy: [[In a cool and dead pan manner) I see your name on my caller ID.
John: So how have you been?
Cyndy: [[Cool & deadpan again) Good and you?

To make a long story short, he told me that his wife had died in 2005 and I told him that my husband had passed in 2007. We chit chatted about our children and he told me that rose up the ranks in the bus company ending up being a superintendant. He retired in 1999 and he and his wife built a home in VA. Yadda, yadda, yadda. We ended the conversation with him saying that he wanted keep in touch and that he just wanted a friendship.

I told my sister that I was not going to talk to him again as he talked about everything but did not offer up an apology and that I was going to let sleeping dogs lie.

That following Sunday morning, I got another call from him. He said he sensed that maybe he said something wrong and wanted to know if he had not called me was I going to call him back. I said that I was insulted by his conversation and that he acted as if nothing had happened between us. I told him that he never offered up an apology but just started talking as if he had found a long lost friend and that no; I was not going to call him. We had a looooooooong conversation that morning, so much so, that I didn’t make it to church. He went on to say that he honestly didn’t remember much about his behavior and that he was wild and selfish and just wanted to do what made him happy at the time. [[What really angered me is that no less than 6 months after disappearing on me, he got married.)

I’m no psychiatrist but I feel that he repressed a lot of stuff because he knew he was wrong, wrong, wrong. He knew what he was doing while it was happening but over time in order to live with himself for his cowardly behavior, I truly feel that he repressed a lot. [[It’s funny the victim always remembers but the perp doesn’t.) I told him of several incidences that happened that I remember word for word and he kept saying incredulously, Cyndy I don’t remember. In later conversations, he told me he even asked his buddy “Jack” did he do x, y & z and Jack confirmed my stories. Again, he was very apologetic and begged my forgiveness and said I can’t believe I did those things.

In April, he came to Philly and the first thing he said was you look the same except your hair is short! He looked the same minus some hair, had a slight gut but he still looked good. We went out to dinner and came back to my house to talk further. I pulled no punches but made sure that I didn’t come across as bitter but I let him know that his behavior was cowardly and how would he have felt if someone had done that to his daughter. He dropped his head and had nothing to say.

Since his visit in April, we talk and email each other maybe twice a month. He sent me two dozen roses for Mother’s Day and a huge gift basket for my birthday. He’s been throwing hints that I have been dodging: for example, saying things like “I wish you were here so that I could fix dinner for you”, ending conversations with, “I Love You”, “I can’t wait to spend time with you”, etc. I’ve been ignoring everything and not biting. He even asked me to go to Portland, OR on a business trip with him. NOT! He wants me to come to VA but that is OUT OF THE QUESTION. [[I may be wrong for feeling this way but I don’t want to be surrounded by their stuff. I know intellectually that she didn’t steal him as apparently he was never mine but I just haven’t processed that yet.) I recently emailed him and told him that as friends, we should only see each other once a year. He called back and said that would be fine but in the next breath said that he plans to come to Philly during the Christmas Holidays and hope we can get together. My dilemma is this: I’m still attracted to him but I don’t trust him worth a darn! Sometimes I wonder if I’m stuck on the idea of what could have been and have this idealized, romanticized view of that. Then sometimes I feel that I want him back just so I can blind side him. Thirdly, Nosey is not that 20 year old inexperienced neophyte that only had two moves: lie down and get the eff up. I know my way around the bedroom [[ahem) and would like to be with him just one more time to give him the full treatment: sexy lingerie, a dance, a back rub and then go in for the kill. If the latter was the case I know he would be sniffing around me like my friend does now. LOL!

The bottom line is that I am intrigued but I do know that I will never trust him and I told him so. Also, he’s in VA and I’ll be in GA and the twain shall never meet. So as the saying goes, Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

P.S. Suggestions are welcomed.

**ralpht** · 11-01-2011, 04:46 PM

Wish I could offer something Nosey. I guess most of us of a certain age have been where you are now. I guess, if I were you, I would talk it out with the guy and try and reach some sort of understanding as to what went down in the past. Then see where it might lead. you're older and wiser now, so I'm sure you can handle this in a way that works for you or the both of you. I wish you the best in this. Keep us posted

**soulster** · 11-01-2011, 06:42 PM

Hi Nosey,

I am one of those people who hold grudges. If someone has wronged me, I want an apology and an explanation, unless I know the person is incapable of it, then I don't bother. Sociopaths cannot apologize. They expect everyone they have wronged to just "forget about it" and move on. I cannot say if they remember the things they have done to people or not, but I suspect they really do. They simply have no empathy. They only feel pain if it affected them directly.

In short, I have no time for these types of people in life, and it's hard to not get sucked back into their craziness. It looks like you are. I think most of us who are not emotionally dysfunctional have dealt with these people, whether they be spouses/significant others, family, friends, and co-workers. I know I have a couple of them in my family, one of them being my dead father. Oh, he apologized, but he didn't mean it. he was just trying to manipulate me again. I think that's what your ex is doing to you, too: manipulate you. he's a master at it, and he knows your weak spots because he's doing it again.

I can't tell you what to do here, but my strong advice is to move on. It seems you've done OK in life despite what this a-hole did to you, but it still hurts and it always will, especially if you're looking for that apology you will never get. If you do, it won't be sincere because he says he can't remember. Yeah. Right.

One of the core things I live by is that if someone causes you stress or pain, cut them out. You don't need them. Your emotional health is too important.

Thanks for sharing that. We don't know each other, and you probably think i'm a jerk like most of this forum, but I just hope I can help you see another view of this situation. I especially don't like arrogant and insensitive people. Good people should stick together and help each other out.

Cheers!

**blueskies** · 11-01-2011, 07:28 PM

My experience has been.....a leopard doesn't change it's spots. Making peace with what happened and moving on might be best? Good luck and best wishes whatever you decide. Keep us posted!

**nosey** · 11-02-2011, 08:41 AM

Soulster, to his credit, he did apologize several times on the phone and in person. I won't go as far as to say he's a sociopath but maybe a brother who was a playa, enjoying the women and I just got played big time. Blueskies, I agree that a leopard can't change it's spots and that's why I'm keeping my distance and ignoring his little comments. I must admit, I'm still physically attracted to him but what works in my favor is the distance and that I'm not lonely. Today is his birthday so I'm sure he's enjoying it with someone and I'll probably will get a "thank you" call regarding the gift card I sent him. Will keep y'all posted.

**skooldem1** · 11-02-2011, 09:22 AM

Ok. Well you asked for opinions. Here I go. Don't hold it against me. Are you really holding what was done 40 years ago against this guy??? I am sure he is a changed man now. He is not the one with issues, its you. I sense you want to play games, so it seems that if anyone has not grown over these past 40 years its you.

**nosey** · 11-02-2011, 10:06 AM

skooldem1 I have no issue with you. Someone else I know agrees with you. I do waffle on how I actually feel, I'm the first to admit that; thus the post. Apparently, I really hadn't gotten over my first love because when he called me after all those years, I got angry again. I had to forgive him because I've been forgiven. Had I not forgiven him, there would be no way that I could even talk to him on the phone. Our conversations are upbeat, he's in the church [[if that means anything these days) and besides his "comments" we are cool.

We took pictures when he came in April and I finally sent his copies in August. I do notice after he got the pictures, the "flirting" started. Oh, if only I had a magic wand............

**skooldem1** · 11-02-2011, 10:15 AM

Originally Posted by nosey

skooldem1 I have no issue with you. Someone else I know agrees with you. I do waffle on how I actually feel, I'm the first to admit that; thus the post. Apparently, I really hadn't gotten over my first love because when he called me after all those years, I got angry again. I had to forgive him because I've been forgiven. Had I not forgiven him, there would be no way that I could even talk to him on the phone. Our conversations are upbeat, he's in the church [[if that means anything these days) and besides his "comments" we are cool.

We took pictures when he came in April and I finally sent his copies in August. I do notice after he got the pictures, the "flirting" started. Oh, if only I had a magic wand............

Apparently he has "the magic wand"...LoL.
My advice to you is to take it slowwwww.
The more you invest into this "friendship", the more you risk getting hurt all over again.

**nosey** · 11-02-2011, 10:32 AM

Thanks, skooldem. I think you are right and that's why I won't visit or go away with him. You are really giving me a lot to think about.

Anybody else?

**skooldem1** · 11-02-2011, 10:36 AM

No problem. I'm just glad you are woman enough to ask for opinions and not get all offended by the answers you receive.

**ms_m** · 11-02-2011, 02:05 PM

Oh dear, it's possible that hell is about to freeze over because I agree with Skooldem....LOL....
you've been holding on to a hurt for 40 years and HE MOVED ON...HELLO?

Nosey, follow your heart, use common sense and your brain and whatever you decide and whatever happens, you'll be just fine.

**nosey** · 11-02-2011, 02:11 PM

Ms. M you are a guru as far as I'm concerned. What was his reason for contacting me after 42 years? I'm sure he has plenty of women in VA. Is it ego? What? Holla at your girl.

**ms_m** · 11-02-2011, 02:17 PM

Men are interesting creatures as we both know and I've often seen them rethink old loves and situations ...women too to be honest.

Personally, I find it annoying when folk come back but that's me and everyone has to do what's right for them...the fact you feel the need to ask others, says to me you really KNOW the answer but you're trying to get confirmation to justify the answer you really want to hear.....LOL

but again, you're a smart woman, trust your judgement and listen to that inner voice inside....it will not steer you wrong....and FYI, I love reading your writing....

**ralpht** · 11-02-2011, 02:45 PM

Guys, we have just been demoted to "creature" status by Ms.M. Creatures? We're creatures. Some years back I got roasted for referring to women as "critters". Sounds like a new show.."Creatures and Critters"

**ms_m** · 11-02-2011, 02:54 PM

LOL....I remember that Ralph and just for the record I wasn't offended...LOL...

...actually, some of my fave moments have been with you creatures....hahahahaha...but hey...and in spite of my aversion to PC behavior....I apologize to men everywhere for calling you creatures.