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  1. #1

    Run jerry run!!!

    JERRY, THIS COUNTRY NEEDS YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER,FOLKS ARE DRINKING LYSOL OUT OF FISHBOWLS,RESTART YOUR CAMPAINE I GOT[3.25]IN NICKLES,DIMES,PENNIES SAVED UP AND I'M DONATING IT TO YOUR CAMPAINE,YOU CAN USE MR.SHROUDS CEMETARY FOR YOUR RALLYS..[the residents will be six feet under so they won't break any laws]EVERYONE IN DA HOOD IS WAITING FOR YOUR RETURN..[this will be the biggest thing in da hood since Grady beat that food poisoning rap six months ago]GIVE IT SOME THOUGH AND GET BACK TO ME..YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAN GET THINGS MOVING AGAIN-RUN JERRY RUN!!

  2. #2
    Didn't Unk Grady have something to do with that $25m Chipolte food safety fine?

  3. #3
    Grady sent a sample of his infamous ribs to chipolte for it's menu,well let's just say that those health records are sealed in a place far away.

  4. #4
    Word on the street: Unk Grady is the brains behind Chipolte giving up its world famous guacomole recipe. Something about it's gonna make HIM world famous!!

  5. #5
    I'm gathering my campaign staff as we speak, Jai. I might have a little problem though because I borrowed $250,000 from Arturo "The Murderous Lech" Husiadaddi to get the ball rolling and I might have to hide out for a few weeks. Or years. I did take $50,000 and bought a new Lincoln but I figured I'd have the loot rolling in after investing in oil companies when the price was still $60 a barrel. Right now, my $200,000 is worth 32 grand and Artie's been looking for me to get the first payment. Thank God there's plenty of room to sleep in the back of a Lincoln.

    The bad news is that if oil doesn't go up to $90 a barrel in the next two days, I'm probably not going to be able to run for president unless I promise to make Artie Secretary of the Department of Commerce. Or vice-president. The good news is that gas is so cheap, even a Lincoln can drive for a week on $15. I washed a Big Mac down with a cup of hi-test yesterday. That crap darn nearly killed me. Last time I ever eat a Big Mac.

    Anyway, I can use help on the campaign. I know most of my Soulful Detroit family is still waiting for their Coronavirus checks. And I need them. I'm going to start a GoFundMe, ostensibly to help hungry kids. Put the word out that there's a pair of hungry orphans - Jeremy and Ozzie - who are going to starve if everybody doesn't send me the loot by Wednesday. Make 'em feel guilty so they don't know - I mean, so they don't think I'm trying to beat them out of their scratch. Tell 'em I'm going to send every person a tee shirt with a "I Saved These Two Wonderful Children Because I Actually Give A ****" graphic on it. Eventually.

    Anyway, I think Artie is creeping around outside my car right now. I'm in the trunk and trying to be quiet. Thanks for all of your support. Remember, Jerry Oz is the only one who can make his problems go away. I mean, he's the only one who can make your problems go away. Free healthcare. Three-day work weeks. Chickens in every pot. Pot in every garden. No speed limits. And I'll stop all of that baby mama drama. But you gotta elect me or nothing's gonna change.

    Good night, and God bless this trunk!

  6. #6
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  7. #7
    Great stuff jerry,i see that the people are still after-opps-err-ahem-hehe,still behind you,i'm gonna have grady send artie one of his infamous-rusted beef and stupid onion sandwiches..[artie won't be in any shape to chase you to at lease december]by which time you'll be president,and bless those little angels[jeremy an ozzie]poor little things,folks in the hood have a heart and some of em got their checks already so those donations are gonna come pouring in any day now,hang in there jerry...you're the man for the job,anyone can hide out but only a man of the people hides out in a -lincoln...run jerry run!!

  8. #8
    Thanks for all the support, fellas. I think I have a couple of good stock photos for Jeremy and Ozzie. Might have to Photoshop them a bit because the kids in the photos are kind of chubby. Once those 'rona checks start rolling in, thing's are gonna be copacetic and America's going to bounce like a mofo. That's actually my campaign slogan "Vote For Jerry, He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo". People like simple messages.

    And I'm not sure Grady can give Artie heartburn. He was eating a doggie bone when I borrowed the money and it was so gross to see because the dog was still attached. He hung out around my Lincoln for almost an hour last night. I think he smelled the Big Mac on my breath. At one point, I heard him sniffing around the trunk key hole and I thought for sure I was done. It's my fault, though. If I wanted to hide out, I shouldn't have spent $200 on the vanity tag that says JERRY OZ. Not sure if Artie can read or not, but he probably knows somebody who can.

    It's all good though because I had some bumper stickers printed up with "Jerry Oz For President 2020: He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo" on them. I gave a couple of hookers $10 to slap them on bumpers in grocery store parking lots and it looks like they got away with it. That's phase 1 in my election strategy. As soon as the GoFundMe blows up, I can move on to the next phase, which is to get plastic surgery so my debtors won't recognize me in my TV ads. So if you love America, get me that loot!

  9. #9
    Jerry i got all the crim-opps-err-ahem-hehe..corporate sponsors in da hood working overtime to get that much needed loot,in the mean time you're gonna need protection so i'm sending duufuss over,just pat him on the head and feed him a peanut butter and mustard green sandwich and artie won't get near you,artie once promised duufuss a picture with the easter bunny,he waited in front of walmart for two years and no bunny..duufuss don't forget stuff like that..run jerry run!!!

  10. #10
    Good looking out, Homeboy. I knew Duufuss and Artie had bad blood after Duufuss told me that Artie put him in a round room and told him two of his baby mamas were in the corner. Duufuss almost had a heart attack after running around the room for a week. Poor guy lost 300 pounds (he was down to 1,400 by the time the forklift got him to the hospital) and it took him three meals to get back up to his regular weight. He was so mad, he checked the whole hood for Artie but found out Artie hired one of his baby mamas as a bodyguard. Every Superman has his kryptonite. Anyway, Duufuss can help me during the first of the month while his ex is blowing out the balance of her EDT card and the next week when they're chowing down but he always tells me he can't hang around after that. He knows when she's coming after the fridge is empty because he can hear her stomach growling when she's standing on the next block. But I'll take all the help I can get.

  11. #11
    When does Ms Moe, superstar enter to raise some $$$ amongst her friends?
    Let Ms Westgrand, esq, her super agent know

  12. #12
    Good time to enter is right now, Moe! I'm pretty sure I've licked my gambling problem, so I should be a good steward for any loot you raise. And to think, when I left my gambling rehab treatment after the first day, they said that I'd backslide and here I am, two weeks later running for president after only losing my rent money and having to sell the grandkids' diapers thanks to a very bad turn with online poker. Baby steps! But send the money to the GoFundMe so I can funnel the money through a charity instead of having to deal with all of that useless FEC red tape. And tell West I can use at least 50 pounds of pounds. I'm trying to get the money by weight because it's easier to clean that way. I think we're gonna do this!

    And remember: Jerry Oz For President 2020: He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo

  13. #13
    Jerry,all the mofo's in da hood can't wait for your return!!

  14. #14
    I'd vote for you Jerry.

  15. #15
    Hey jerry,if you wanna know where grady gets some of his[secret]ingredients,go over to the sandbox forum,my nephew[lil jai]plays over there and he saw grady harvesting his wares.

  16. #16
    President Obama declared that sandbox to be a toxic waste site in 2010. Apparently, one of Grady's customers burped in the sand and it turned the sand into sulphuric acid. Grady needs to stop marinating his chittlins in tabasco and anti-freeze unless he's going to pass out antacids. I think Obama overreacted though. It's only unsafe if you don't wear a double layer of a grade 1 full body laboratory haz mat suit when you're within two blocks of it. When I'm in the Whites House, I'm going to deregulate the sandbox because kids have a right to play. And besides, kids don't vote so I don't have to worry about losing their support.

    Spread the word! I love kids.

  17. #17
    Jerry,i'm tryin to set up a debate with trump,but he keeps ducking!

  18. #18
    Stay on it. I'll rip his hair out and wipe my butt with it.

    Oops. The way I put that might sound a tad disrespectful.

    I meant to say, I look forward for the opportunity to engage in a high level discussion so that America can hear both of our views and make a considered decision about who is best to lead our beloved nation forward.

    And THEN I'll rip his hair out and wipe my butt with it.

  19. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by Jerry Oz View Post
    Stay on it. I'll rip his hair out and wipe my butt with it.

    Oops. The way I put that might sound a tad disrespectful.

    I meant to say, I look forward for the opportunity to engage in a high level discussion so that America can hear both of our views and make a considered decision about who is best to lead our beloved nation forward.

    And THEN I'll rip his hair out and wipe my butt with it.
    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...JERRY-JERRY-JERRY...I'VE BEEN LOCKED UP IN MY SECRET SUBBASEMENT LAB WORKING ON THE ANTIDOTE TO THIS[LYSOL]ADDICTION THAT'S SWEEPING ACROSS THIS COUNTRY,AND AFTER MINUTES OF HARD WORK AND EXPLOSIONS-I'VE CONCOCTED THE ONLY KNOWN CURE...HOOCHACYYADINE..[DON'T READ THE INGREDIENTS,JUST DRINK IT]ONE SMALL SIP THREE TIMES AN HOUR AND YOU'RE CURED...NOW OF COURSE YOUR LIVER WILL BE SHOT...[BUT I'VE CONSULTED AND INSULTED THE BEST DR.IN DA HOOD-DR.CONFIBULATOR]AND HE STATES THAT YOU DON'T NEED A WORKING LIVER ANYHOW,SO JERRY AFTER YOUR' ELECTED YOU MAY THINK ABOUT BESTOWING THE CONFESSSIONAL TRICKET OF SOMETHING OR ANOTHER FOR MYSELF..I'LL GLADLY ACCEPT ON BEHALF OF THE PEOPLE...[and if I'm broke I can hawk the thing down at the pawn shop]NOW DR.CONFIBULATOR SAYS AS LONG AS YOU DON'T PASS GAS FOR TWO DAYS YOU'LL BE FINE..[it would be the same as-a nuclear meltdown]..NOW JERRY AS SOON AS YOU'RE ELECTED IF YOU MAKE THIS WONDERFUL POTION THE LAW OF THE LAND[it would keep down the law suits]AND ALTHOUGH THE FDA WON'T APPROVE,YOUR WORD IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME..TOGETHER WE'LL SAVE THIS COUNTRY FROM THE EVIL OF LYSOL INGESTION AND YOUR LEGACY WILL BE CEMENTED ...[and maybe demented]...RUN JERRY RUN!!!

  20. #20
    You might be in line to be my searchin general when I'm elected. It's up between you and my pill mill proprietor, Dr. Fiellgud. I kind of owe him a job since I cost him his license after snitching on him when the cops busted me last month. Thankfully, he doesn't know I did it unless he is a SoulfulDetroit member. Now that I think about it, he's the one who told me about this page... Wonder if they have wi-fi in the joint?

    Never mind, forget what I said about Dr. Fiellgud (if you're Dr. Fiellgud and you're reading this) because I don't think I'm a snitch after all. Because you know I don't roll like that. Might even give that brother a full pardon if he doesn't kill me first. Anyway, give me the exact list of ingredients on your discovery so I can patent it for me. I mean for you. You need legal protections in case it's going to be a game changer and I can use the loot. Curiously, the GoFundMe contributions have dried up since I started posting on this thread. It's almost like people know it's a scam. I mean, it's like they think it's a moneymaking scheme, which it's not. But thanks for your support. Send me a mailing address so I can forward a few hundred thousand early voting applications to you. I think there's something else you can do for your country. And remember:

    Jerry Oz For President 2020: He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo

  21. #21
    Jerry,my president,you da man but i don't really have any recollection of ingredients because i just start pouring what ever is handy at the time..rubbing alchohol-fly spray-nail polish-liquid soap[for cleanliness]-maple syrup-crean of butterbean soup just to name the stuff i can remember,as for an address,just sent the stuff to the corner of wackitup ave and burps blvd care of da hood-it'll find it's way to me,,your always loyal constitapitstopital subject or subtract whichever comes first...run jerry run!!

  22. #22
    Welp. I used the ingredients you listed and blew up two downtown blocks. Not sure what went wrong, though. Didn't have rubbing alcohol, so I used some leftover Old Grandad that I mixed with transmission fluid (my "Friday Night Special", I had to stretch it out since they closed the liquor stores). And instead of nail polish, I used the lye from an old blow out kit. Didn't have fly spray, so I substituted some kitchen grease. But the rest of the ingredients were the same (except for a few), so I don't know what happened. I was careful to follow your list to a T.

    Anyway, I'll try again tomorrow. I'm down to my last nine gallons of my Friday Night Special and if I'm gonna have some for Wednesday night, I might have to ration my next mixture. Think I'll trade out chittlin fat for the maple syrup instead of using Pepto-Bismol like I did the last time. That might make it more stable. Glad I didn't pay that hobo who mixed it in advance or I might have wasted $3. Next time, I'm going to have the mixer wear a Donald Trump shirt, that way if he kills himself, they'll blame Trump and never suspect me.

    Rome wasn't built in a day, am I right? Dropping all of those early ballots off tomorrow morning, so look out for them. They'll be in boxes that fell off of a mail truck last week. Don't worry, I got all of the checks that were in them already. Thanks, Homeboy. Oh, and save all of your receipts and after all the bills are paid, I'll take a look at them. Peace.

  23. #23
    UMM,RECEIPTS?? I KINDA SORTA WROTE A CHECK FOR STUFF BEFORE I REMEMBERED THAT THE ACCOUNT WAS CLOSED SIX YEARS AGO..[I though those balance owed notices were junk mail,who knew??]MY HUSTLERS-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE,MY HOSPITALITY WORKERS PICKED UP THOSE BALLOTS,AND AS SOON AS THEY SCRATCH OUT SOME NAMES WE'LL BE GOOD TO GO,I'M SENDING YOU A GIFT CARD I FOUND IN THE BOTTOM OF AN OLD BOX I WAS THROWING OUT,TURNS OUT IT HAS[1.65]LEFT ON IT AND EVERY LITTLE BIT COUNTS...[oh when you cash it move quickly before they discover that it expired in Jan.2006]DON'T WORRY ABOUT THOSE TWO BLOCKS THAT WERE LOST,NOBODY WAS GONNA WORK THERE ANYHOW BECAUSE OF THE VIRUS AND RECESSION WHICH YOU CAN BLAME ON TRUMP,OH AND NEXT TIME USE SOME-UNCLE HUMMIES SMELLING SALTS-RUN JERRY RUN!!!

  24. #24
    I had to run after the explosion. Turns out police headquarters were in the two blocks (RIP) and it turns out they were having a retirement party for good ol' Sergeant O'Leary who was leaving after 60 years in public service. To make it even worse, Krispy Kreme hosted the event so every cop was there, even those who were off duty. The building was decimated but thank God, nobody got hurt. But when the cops saw that dust landed on the donuts they pulled every detective off what they were doing to find out who ruined their fun. You know, coffee and donuts is what cops use to observe Holy Communion, so they're not happy.

    To make it worse, apparently every thief and bad guy in the city knew the party was taking place and they were boosting cars and breaking and entering all over the city. When the cops got out early (thanks to yours' truly) they caught all of the crooks in the act and now the bad guys are mad at me for ruining their holiday and the cops are even madder because they actually had to work. With a little luck, I'll get away with it. The only way I escaped was by running into a costume shop and buying a two-man horsie costume. I put the first half over a blow-up doll and ran behind it while bent over until I got out of downtown. I had to make sure I evaded suspicion and since they were looking for a man, nobody suspected a horse. I'm looking forward to the $1.65, by the way. I owe two bucks for the blow up doll rental and was wondering how I was gonna pay for it. Let me know if you can slip me another 35 cents.

    Once again, thanks for your help. I might move you up from searchin general to head the FBI. That way, you can make this investigation go away. It pays pretty good too but we can talk about that later.

  25. #25
    PAYS PRETTY GOOD...[you may be president for life]I WANT THAT F.B.I. APPOINTMENT,WOW THE-FEDERAL BULLIES OF INTIMIDATION..AND I'D RUN THAT SUCKER SO GOOD THAT NOBODY WILL EVEN THINK ABOUT MESSIN WITH YOU OR LOOKING INTO YOUR POLITICAL MATTERS..LITTLE UNIMPORTANT NONSENSE LIKE..[corruption-payoffs-blackmail-tax evasion]YOU HAVE ENOUGH ON YOUR PLATE WHIPPING THIS COUNTRY BACK INTO SHAPE TO WORRY ABOUT THOSE NOSEY FOLKS FROM[internal revenue-immigration-congress-united nations-red cross-the p.t.a.]I'LL FIND STUFF ON ALL OF EM...[j.edgar hoover has some stuff in a file cabinet somewhere]AND I'LL SCATTER AGENTS FAR AND WIDE TO FIND IT..YOU'LL BE SO SLIPPERY-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..INNOCENT THAT SUNSHINE WON'T EVEN STICK TO YOU,OH BY THE WAY THE BLOW UP DOLL'S SISTER HAS A WARRENT ISSUED FOR YOUR ARREST,SHE CLAIMS THAT THE DOLL IS UNDERAGED AND YOU SUDUCED HER WITH THE PROMISE OF A CABINET POSITION,OH AND THE OWNER OF THE COSTUME SHOP CLAIMS THAT THE BILLS YOU PAID HIM WITH HAD YOUR PICTURE ON THEM...I EXPLAINED TO HIM THAT IF TRUMP CAN SIGN STIMULUS CHECKS THEN YOU AS THE PROHIBITIVE FAVORITE TO WIN THE ELECTION CAN PUT YOUR PHOTO ON ONE DOLLAR BILLS,I'M SENDING MY PERSONAL LAWYER AND HOOD LEGEND...I.WILL GETHIMOFF...[I told him that you would give him a tax free series of legal immfamercials]SO HE'S WORKING PRO BONO..AND HE'LL HELP YOU FIND A TAX SHELTER TO COVER IT TOO,THINGS A FALLING INTO PLACE SIR..RUN JERRY RUN!!

  26. #26
    You da MMMMMAAAANNNN!!! Thanks for getting that guy to work pro Bono. I thought I might have to pay my fair Cher and we all know money's a little tight. And I swear, the blow-up doll was NOT underaged. I checked saw that she was manufactured in 2002. It was right under the Made In China sticker. But it's just like me to get into trouble over something like this. Last week, I had to take a hooker to court over failure to render negotiated services. She walked up to me in a bar after I was drunk and told me she'd do anything I wanted for $50. I even checked and asked her if that was guaranteed. And when she said "yes", I gave her $50 and told her to put a new roof on my garage. If she could do it by the weekend, I'd even give her another $2 as a tip. She never showed up and now my hooptie is getting wet when it rains. You can't get good service anymore.

    Anyway, I think we're on our way. Remember:
    Jerry Oz For President 2020: He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo

  27. #27
    DON'T WORRY MY PRESIDENT,I'M SENDING LILBITS OVER TO COVER YOUR HOOPTIE..[she'll just spread her dress over it]AND THE SWEAT THAT FALLS FROM THE FOLDS IN HER SKIN WILL KILL THOSE KILLER BEES TOO,SO YOU'RE COVERED-RUN JERRY RUN!!!

  28. #28
    Thanks, Jai. Sort of. I had to open the roll door to get her in the garage but she fit. Then, she saw a biscuit on the floor that fell out of my bag the last time I went to KFC and she ate it. Now I can't get her out of the garage. We tried greasing her. We removed the door. I put my SUV in reverse to try to push her out (now my motor's burned out). But somehow, that one biscuit added 250 pounds and another 20 inches and she wasn't budging.

    The sheriff stopped by and suggested she go without eating for a couple of hours so she could drop the weight and when she heard it, she went into a rage and started to chase him. She's running after him but now I have to rebuild the entire front half of my garage. The sheriff called me to ask for help and now I have to stop by Burger King and grab a few value meals with the hope that I can catch up to them and entice her to stop.

    That shouldn't be a problem but I have an open tab at Burger King and the owner said that he'd shoot me if I didn't pay up the next time I got there. If I can't come up with $3,432.12 quick, I'm not going to be able to save the sheriff. Maybe I can just get a couple of empty bags from the restaurant and catch her attention. If she sees the bags and thinks they have food in them, she'll come toward me and the sheriff can escape before she smells the bags and realizes nothing is in them.

    Only then, she'll be mad at me... Oh well, if I wasn't running for president, I might run for sheriff because I have a feeling we're going to need one.

    Anyway, I'm campaigning at the local gentlemen's club tonight. I'm trying to reach out to the ladies who I think can help my campaign. So I'll be visiting the clubs and campaigning for the next month and a half. I'm tireless and willing to do what I need to do to win. And right now, I need to run a few more copies of one dollar bills off of my printer before I reach out. Glad to do what I can to help the local economy. And don't worry, I'll make sure all the dancers are wearing a face mask. Can't take any chances.

  29. #29
    DON'T WORRY ABOUT LILBITS,SHE WAS JUST BETWEEN MEALS...[after she ate all the pork at the Smythfield plant,which is the real reason they shut sown]REMEMBER THAT LILBITS IS THE ONLY PERSON LIVING OR DEAD THAT CAN EAT AT GRADY'S AND NOT GET SICK..[little known fact-Lilbits has three stomach linings that catch everything she eats and burns it up along the way]THAT SINOMI THAT HIT JAPAN LAST YEAR WAS JUST ONE OF HER BURPS...I GOT A CONVICT-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..CONTRACTOR THAT OWES ME A FAVOR SO YOUR GARAGE WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF,OH AND AS FOR THOSE DOLLAR BILLS,I'M SENDING YOU A POWDERED WIG FROM MADAME MISSY'S WIGS JOINT AND MASSAGE PARLOR,WEAR IT WHEN YOU PRINT YOUR DOLLARS AND FOLKS WILL THINK YOU'RE RELATED TO OL GEORGE WASHINGTON AND NO QUESTIONS WILL BE ASKED...BUT BE SURE TO WEAR A SKULL CAP MADE FROM RAMS WOOL TO PROTECT YOUR SCALP..[the last guy didn't and his brain was exposed]OF COURSE HE DIDN'T HAVE YOUR CLOUT,OH AND THE LADIES CLUB FROM DA HOOD IS WAITING FOR YOU TO SPEAK AT THEIR ANNUAL LUNCH AND LAPDANCE BAR-B-CUE,NOW SOME OF THE OLD GIRLS GET FRISKY AND WANT TO LAPDANCE BUT YOU'LL GET THOSE VOTES...RUN JERRY RUN!!

  30. #30
    That all sounds great. (Make sure the cameras are off at the barbecue... Don't want the voters to see me with barbecue sauce on my shirt...) Anyway, your guy started working on the garage, so that's good. But he asked for the keys to my car to drive it out of harms way and then he gave them to one of his homeboys and when I asked him about it, he just said "Car? What you talkin', 'bout Willis?" I don't know who Willis is, so I dropped it. Hope they bring the car back, though because when I checked with my insurer (from Weiburn Yormunny & Wrunn to make sure I was covered), my broker asked me "Covered? What You talkin' 'bout, Willis?". So I guess my name was changed to Willis or something.

    Anyway, I talked to Grady about Lilbits and he got really angry. He said that he could get anybody but she ate the food before he could mix the chittlin' fat, collard green pot liquor, rotten fish heads and banana peppers into the icing for the cake and that until it's mixed, it's not at full potency. So he wants round 2 but only if she's chained up until the cake is done but before he hung up the phone, she'd already busted through the alley wall and asked him "Who said 'cake'?" He hung up and I don't know what's going on now.

    But when they decide how they're going to figure it out, I'm going to contact live pay-per-view providers and broadcast it to every home in the hood that doesn't have bootleg cable so I can raise money for the campaign. I might have to figure out how to rip off - oops - find a way for the bootleggers to pay, too. Man, people all over the world will tune in to watch those two titans go for it against each other. It's gonna make Ali-Frazier I look like Webster fighting Honey BooBoo in a vat filled with molasses. This might set records. Early odds are 9-1 on Lilbits but Grady said he likes those odds because he gets his chittlin' fat straight from the sink.

    It's gonna be lit!!!! Stay tuned.

  31. #31
    LILBITS IS THE ONLY PERSON LIVING OR DEAD THAT GRADY CAN'T SCARE,MY NEPHEW[LILJAI]VIDIO TAPED GRADY DOWN AT THE[SANDBOX]GATHERING MORE INGREDIENTS FOR HIS EATERY..[YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW]IT WAS GONNA BE BROADCAST HOODWISE ON THE LEGENDARY NEWSCAST[20 MINUTES]BUT AFTER THE ENTIRE NEWS CREW GOT SCURVY FROM THE FIRST TAPING THE BROADCAST WAS CANCELLED..ALTHOUGH TALKS ARE UNDERWAY FOR A MINI SERIES IF ANYONE IS STILL ALIVE OR OUT OF INTENSIVE CARE TO APPEAR...NOW AS FOR YOUR CAMPAINE SIR,I'VE LINED UP AN INTERVIEW FOR YOU WITH THE HOOD FAMOUS INTERVIEWER TO THE INFAMOUS,THAT'S RIGHT...SCOOP SCOOPY WHO'S COME OUT OF RETAINMENT-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..RETIREMENT FOR THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME CONFAB,SCOOPY PERSONALLY ASKED FOR THIS SCOOP...[it's the only way he could get out]AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW SIR OL SCOOPY ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS,SUCH AS-WHEN YOU MOVE INTO THE BIG HOUSE CAN I GET A ROOM? CAN I GET A FEDERAL LOAN SO I CAN RIDE THE BUS? AND DON'T FORGET THIS TOUGH ONE...CAN I GET ONE OF THEM COOL BULLETT PROOF VEST CAUSE SOME FOLKS ARE AFTER ME,SIR OL SCOOPY IS SLICK WITH THOSE QUESTIONS SO BEWARE..[he once tricked Grady into revealing the secrets in his infamous rusted ribs and when Grady got out Scoopy had to leave da hood for ten years]EVEN TO THIS DAY WHEN HE PASSES GRADY'S HE WEARS A PEG LEG AND EYEPATCH ]BUT IT'S NOTHING THAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE BEING THE PEOPLE'S CANDIDATE-RUN JERRY RUN!!

  32. #32
    JERRY,MY PRESIDENT,MORE GOOD NEWS FROM YOUR PEEPS IN DA HOOD..AS THE GOOD NEWS SPREADS THE WHOLE HOOD WANTS IN...[for a small peice of the action]NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT TRANSPORTATION TO YOUR SWEARING IN CEREMONY,AS I KNOW YOU DON'T TRUST THOSE GOVERNMENT CARS,I GOT YOU A SWEET DEAL ON A FLEET OF SLIGHTLY USED LIMOS FROM BIG BILL BENTRIM'S RIMS AND SMOKED KIDNEYS JOINT AND GARAGE AT THE SOUTHERN MOST TIP OF DA HOOD...[he and Grady were partners once upon a time til a dispute arose about those smoked kidneys]AND LET'S JUST SAY THAT BIG BILL HAD TO MOVE IN A HURRY,NOW AS FOR THOSE LIMOS JUST IGNORE THOSE BULLETT HOLES IN THE SIDES[think of the money you'll save on air conditioning]AND THE ROOF MAY FLY OFF BUT YOUR ADORING PUBLIC WANT TO SEE YOU IN THE FLESH SO IT'S ALL GOOD...[and if anyone gets hit by flying metal you can say the government is trying to assassinate you]I'VE GOT SIX OR TEN BIGGUNS FROM THE MENTAL HOSPITAL TO CARRY THE CAR IF AND WHEN IT BREAKS DOWN,BUT THE CROWD WILL BE CHEERING SO LOUDLY THAT IT WON'T MATTER,AND THEY'LL BE GLAD TO SEE YOU WALKING DOWN THE STREET LIKE THE MAN OF THE PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE,AND AS FOR YOUR TV COVERAGE YOU WON'T NEED THOSE CROOKS FROM[CNN-NBC-CBS-UNICEF]THE NEWS CREW FROM HERE IN DA HOOD GOT CHA COVERED-TWO CAMERAS...[after the IRS raid two was all they had left]BUT DON'T WORRY SIR ONE IN FRONT AND ONE IN BACK GOT YOU COVERED,UNFORTUNATELY YOU WILL HAVE TO SPEAK LOUDLY BECAUSE THEY ALSO LOST THE MICS,BUT IF EVERYONE WATCHES YOU CLOSELY THEY CAN READ YOUR LIPS,NOW SIR ALL BIG BILL WANTS IS FOR YOUR ADMINISTRATION TO PLANT SOME BUGS IN GRADY'S SO THAT HE CAN GET HIS LOCATION BACK,ALTHOUGH HE KNOWS THAT NOBODY HAS EVER COME OUT OF THERE AFTER DARK-DEAD OR ALIVE,BUT THE BIGGUNS FROM THE MENTAL JOINT WILL GLADLY VOLUNTEER TO GO DOWN THERE AFTER SOME OF BIG BILLS' INFAMOUS[SMOKED KIDNEYS]ANYHOW SIR I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT'S ONE LESS THING FOR YOUR ADMINISTRATION TO WORRY ABOUT ON YOUR BIG DAY..[oh and one more thing sir..don't worry about crowds along the parade route,I've got plenty of folks from the clinic round the way after their shots they'll stand perfectly still and cheer too]YOU'RE GONNA MAKE HISTORY SIR-RUN JERRY RUN!!

  33. #33
    Everything sounds good, Homeboy. I finally got done campaigning at the gentlemen's club at noon. You'd be surprised how many days somebody can make $122.30 (in ones) last when there's an all-you-can-eat Spaghetti-Os and McNuggets buffet to sustain you. I was lucky because I had BOGO half off coupons for some of the ladies and they really were attentive when I was tossing out my policies a dollar at a time.

    I might go back there and campaign again next week if I can sell my pager for more singles. And I'm looking forward to having Big Bill and Grady compete to see who's going to handle my inaugural dinner. Grady might be able to eliminate all of my enemies in one fell swoop - I mean scoop of chili - (remember the Godfather's final scene? I want that) but there's nothing like Big Bill's buffalo chicken kidneys and dumplings to get the juices flowing. Speaking of those flowing juices, I secured a promotional agreement with Depends undergarments so then they start flowing, nobody's going to be able to tell. Everything is coming out great right now and it'll come out much faster after I eat Big Bill's faire.

    And good looking out with the bigguns from the psych ward. I'm hoping you got them from Big Bertha's Burly Boy Booby Hatch And Taco & Pancake Stand because she can get you a discount if you tell her Hank Beaumont sent you (it's a long story but I had to use that name to prevent giving her my own. Don't judge me to be a bad guy, I'm usually frank and earnest with everybody but I didn't want to use my healthcare card when I sought help at Big Bertha's, so I didn't tell her I was Frank Holmes or Earnest Barkley like I normally would because I used both of those cards the last times I was there and I still owe for my bill.) But when "Hugh Beaumont" got committed - I mean volunteered to be "examined", he sang in the break room at lunchtime and increased her taco business by 3.5% and she loves me because of that. I mean, she loves him because of that. Also because I put sugar water in her half-filled syrup bottles and saved her $9 a week on her syrup bill. If you get any pancakes, ask for them to throw the taco meat into the batter. I did it by mistake when I was locked up and it turned out to be a big hit with some of the more psychically questionable guests. Another reason why Hank Beaumont's word is bond with Big Bird (that's my pet name for her).

    If she asks where I'm staying, tell her I live in an orange '83 Nova instead of the Lincoln or she'll find me. Speaking of which, I came back from the strip club - I mean gentlemen's club and found Arturo "The Murderous Lech" Husiadaddi in my car. Thought he found me but he just broke in to charge up his cell phone. He left after about an hour and I don't think he knows it was my car. Life in the hood is never boring. Anyway, I'm dropping off another couple hundred thousand early voting ballots tomorrow. Thanks again, your country will be better for all of the hard work.

  34. #34
    Sir,this is why you're the only man for the job,nobody can finagle-opps-err-ahem-hehe..finance funds like you..run jerry run!!

  35. #35
    Whoops. Just saw the Facebook page of a couple of the ladies from the "gentlemen's club" (Nasty Nathan's Slime Palace & Mufflers) and apparently some of them took photos of my campaigning. Now, I understand why I left wearing somebody else's pants... Might have to drum up a "that looks Photoshopped" PR effort. Anyway, looks like Lilbits found out they had chicken wings (buy one, get one free) and all she saw was the "free" so she broke through the wall and ate all of them. Then she rolled on the stage and bent the poles. Caused $215,000 worth of damage and Nasty Nathan's taking out a small business loan to stay in business. Bad timing, too because the Lincoln needs a new muffler. Sometimes it snows on rainy days, I guess. Maybe I can get my pager out of hock since I won't be using the one dollar bills for a while. Anyway, if you find any loose change, send it in. Your country will be greatly appreciative.

  36. #36
    Lilbits is off her meds..[pray]the last time this happened,she was dropped on an island in the pacific but within[2 hrs]she ate all the wildlife[living and dead]swam all the way back to the u.s.eating all the sealife along the way,the only thing to stop her is to guide her to a corn silo in the midwest..grady is in route now with six tons of his infamous burnt pigtails that may hold her...now as for those much needed funds i've found an old piggy bank that once belonged to my cousin[fingers mcgeepers]in the basement with a letter from his probation officer stating that the bank was to be part of a settlement from a lawsuit filed when fingers was six years old..[they don't call him fingers for nothing]anyhow he shall we say picked up something that he shouldn't have and as a result his piggybank was taken by the courts for cost,now it's full and legend has it that it is filled with[100.00]in pennies,fingers was wisked away for his own protection and hasn't been seen since,one small itty bitty thing..the bank has a combination and even i don't know what it is..luckily i called the best safecracker in da hood-tumbles thornton to try,unfortunately it can't be broken since it is made from a special clay once found at a drainage dump deep in the bowels of da hood,but once it's opened those funds will be sent to you sir..run jerry run!

  37. #37
    I went to the joint to talk to Fingers. Thought maybe he would give me the combination. Well, the guards couldn't frisk me from 6 feet away so they sent me through an x-ray machine to make sure I didn't have any contraband. Which I technically didn't have but since I heard that people get harassed by prison guards, I set my mePhone to record audio and swallowed it before I went in. Turns out, the x-ray picked it up and they asked why I had a phone in my stomach.

    Thinking fast on my feet, I told them that I didn't have a phone in my stomach and that I might sue them because I'll bet they never asked a white man that question. They had to agree but their boss came out and told me that he apologized for his guards asking me about the phone but since I was black and was wearing a mask, they wouldn't be allowed to let me leave the joint. They locked me up and I'm having an arraignment after quarantine is lifted. I asked to call my lawyer and they told me that I had a phone, so I could feel free to call when I felt like it.

    Fortunately, that day they served mush loaf and chittlin' gravy in the cafeteria for dinner so it wasn't very long before I "got" my mePhone. Those bums let me spend three hours washing it before throwing me into solitary. The warden came down to see me a couple hours later and I asked what I was being charged with and he told me for having a contraband cell phone. I'm looking at five years...

    I told him that I was going to run for president in the fall and that must have impressed him because he asked for an autograph. When I signed his paper, it turned out it was a full confession to 20 charges that will only be dropped if I make him Attorney General after I win in the fall. I'm going to be released on Saturday night but since tomorrow is leftover mush loaf and chittlin' gravy night, I might not survive to run for office. I'll let you know how it all plays out.

  38. #38
    Whoaaaaaaaaaa,that's some tough stuff,and no way to treat our future leader,but fear not sir i've consulted with the top medical man in da hood..dr.pre skrip shunn,and he called his top advisor on stomach ailments[grady-since he originated most of em]upon hearing of your issues he concocted the only known remedy..one of his infamous boiled peanut butter and fatback oil tonics now i'm sending-delightful della from down at the gentlemens strip and cigar parlor..[she's so sexy that even the warden will let her in]just say that she's your,your..your.....your,well i'll leave it up to you sir,anyhow after you take the special potion you'll be so sick that they'll have to send you back to da hood where the only known cure is..and since there is a six months incubation period,they'll have to dismiss your case ...[don't worry sir after throwing your guts up-opps-err-ahem-hehe..after a little nausea you''l be as good as new]so rest easy sir....we won't let you down!!

  39. #39
    OH SIR,JUST ONE MORE TEENY TINY LITTLE ITTY BITTY THING..I KINDA SORTA PROMISED THE GOOD DOCTOR THAT YOU WOULD HELP HIM GET HIS LICENCE BACK..[he's been sorta practicing without it since oh...1961,but nobody in da hood pays those kinds of things too much attention]OH AND HE WANTS TO BE HEAD OF THE HEALTH BOARD..OH AND HE SAYS THAT THERE MAY BE SOME VERY SLIGHT SIDE EFFECTS...BODY NUMBNESS-SPEAKING IN FOLK TONGUE-CHIRPING LIKE A BIRD-A CRAVING FOR LARD DUMPLINGS,BUT AFTER SIX MONTHS OR SO YOU'LL BE FIND...EXCEPT FOR A SMALL CASE OF AMNESIA AND SCURVVY AND THE CRAVING TO BE A PIRATE,WELL SIR YOU'RE A BUSY MAN SO I'LL SCRAM AND LET YOU CONTINUE YOUR FINE WORK FOR OUR COUNTRY-RUN JERRY RUN!!

  40. #40
    Grady says his 14-day self quartine has to be doubled because of some gangrenous chitlins. Seems he used a microwave instead of an oven. So to make it up to you, he'll supply the beverages for your inaugural balls. He assures me that it's fresh from the still...err liquor store..uuhhh distribution warehouse. Grady said it fell off'n the back of an 18 wheeler, he assured me. And since his condo...I mean lean-to is 6 feet from the Statehouse; you can kill two birds w/1 stone! Social distancing AND plausible deniability if anyone sees us making the pick up near the guv'ment building! We're on the case, sir.

  41. #41
    Jai, Delightful Delilah might not want to help. She crossed me off of her list a few years ago after I sued her for failure to perform. She met me on a street corner one night and told me she'd do anything I wanted for $50. Of course, I was interested so I made sure I understood the nature of her offer.

    "Really? Anything I want, you will do for $50?", I asked.
    "Yes, Daddy. Any nasty thing your mind can imagine," she replied.
    "Oh, I can imagine some nasty things," I says and I gave her two 20s, a fiver, four ones and three quarters (I owed her one).
    "Your wish is my command," she said as she put the money into her purse. "What do you want?"
    "For you to put a new roof on my garage," I told her. "If you can do it by Tuesday, I'll give you an extra 6% tip."

    She walked away and never did the roof, so I sued her and got my $49.75 back. She doesn't like me a lot since then. So hard to get good service anymore.

    And nativeNY63: Since I began soaking in tubs of cool water, my inaugural balls feel much better so I don't need as many beverages to work that situation out. But thanks! And Grady shipped me two thermos bottles of his homemade hard gatorade and I was able to pour it out before it dissolved the containers. Gave a pint to the guards and threw the other pint on the walls and - voila! - the bricks eroded and now I'm on the run. If I'm lucky, they'll suspect the liquor dissolved me along with the stones and won't come looking for me. And right on time because I have a campaign event tomorrow at Craig Crankshaft's Buy Here, Pay Here on Clarence Thomas Boulevard. I'm passing out face masks to show that I'm more attentive to the crisis than the current president. I might give all three of them away if enough people show up.

    Thanks for the advice, gentlemen. If I'm gonna win, I'm gonna need your help and as much money as you can *ahem* obtain. Don't ask for a receipt because I can't be tied to shady activities if you choose to do any (and if you don't, you should question your love for your country. America needs me.) Once again, this thing is gonna work!

    Jerry Oz For President 2020: He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo


  42. #42
    Sir,this is why no one else is even remotely qualified for this job,the way you worm-opps-err-ahem-hehe..work your way out of these political booby traps is nothing short crim-opps-err-ahem-hehe..corporate genius,the other side is trying it's best but this train ain't slowing down,but sir be warned that delilah is still pissed about that quarter and has hired the hitman..targetman..more to come.

  43. #43
    Thanks, Pahdnuh. I've been very lucky avoiding the Targetman. Ever since I maxed out that promotional store credit card (hacked it to put $20,000 credit limit on it instead of $300), they've had my photo at the entrance of every Target in the hood. I was so indignant that they put it on my credit report - assuming that I wouldn't pay it back - I decided not to pay it back. Good thing, too because I sold what I bought for half of its value and bought the Lincoln from Billy I. Boosthoopties. It was a one owner car and Billy sold it to me for its Smelly's Mauve Book value (street value in da hood) of $6,500. He didn't have papers but I trust him since I've known him for two weeks. I should have negotiated because other dealers would sell me the same car (2021 model Lincoln Continental for $6,380. But I liked it so I gave Billy the extra.

    But I have just the thing to make sure Targetman doesn't recognize me. Had them for years after I went AWOL and they work like a charm (especially with my COVID-19 mask).

  44. #44
    Quote Originally Posted by Jerry Oz View Post
    Thanks, Pahdnuh. I've been very lucky avoiding the Targetman. Ever since I maxed out that promotional store credit card (hacked it to put $20,000 credit limit on it instead of $300), they've had my photo at the entrance of every Target in the hood. I was so indignant that they put it on my credit report - assuming that I wouldn't pay it back - I decided not to pay it back. Good thing, too because I sold what I bought for half of its value and bought the Lincoln from Billy I. Boosthoopties. It was a one owner car and Billy sold it to me for its Smelly's Mauve Book value (street value in da hood) of $6,500. He didn't have papers but I trust him since I've known him for two weeks. I should have negotiated because other dealers would sell me the same car (2021 model Lincoln Continental for $6,380. But I liked it so I gave Billy the extra.

    But I have just the thing to make sure Targetman doesn't recognize me. Had them for years after I went AWOL and they work like a charm (especially with my COVID-19 mask).
    But sir! You can still go to the check cashing spot and get 10% of your Stimulus Check! Put that with our Child Tax Credit and Income Tax Refund, and pay off the 2021 Campaign staff. And still have $5, as hush mo...uhhh...donation for Grady's lawyer. Apparently some ex-Detroit mayor who said he was just helping out a friend. Swing by the house when you get the Lincoln rolling. Oh. And by the way, my lawyer, O. Hay Simpson will be contacting you about that tasteless inaugural joke. No hard feelings, bruh.

  45. #45
    Good looking out. Apparently, my Trumpfare check got sent to three of my babies' moms, so I can't get it cashed. Might have to avoid the check cashers anyway because they're mad after I snuck in under cover of night and stole back my title after I got a title loan two years ago. I'll print up another check and cash it somewhere else. My cousin is from Nigeria, he can find somebody to do it.

    And Simpson, Esq. sent me a cease and desist after I plugged up his mailbox with campaign mailers. I don't think he was upset with the documents so much as he was really angry that I sent them COD. That guy charges $13.75/hour, you'd think he could pay the postage for a few hundred mailers if it was going to make the country a better place. He'll come around. I mean, I think he wants to keep his license, right?

    Oh, and no hard feelings at all since I started the soak. Inaugural Balls is a very painful condition that doesn't get the same attention as Athlete's Foot or Hippo Butt in medical literature. The only treatment that seems to work is steady regimens of rum and coke. I have plenty of rum but the last of my coke was wasted when I sneezed through the straw on Wednesday night. But don't worry. My good buddy, Mary N. Barry is coming through in a few minutes to hook a bruh up.

    Speaking of which, I just wrote my national policy to fight the war on drugs and I think it's going to increase my support by 30%. Or so. Never mind... I'm a little nervous right now and I'll know better after I do my next regimen.

  46. #46
    SIR,YOU ARE A GENIUS[AND SMART TOO]THAT DISGUISE WORKED LIKE A CHARM,TARGETMAN WENT BACK TO HIS[SIDE]JOB ON THE LOADING DOCK OF TARGET AND TOLD EVERYONE THAT HE MET...[YOU READY FOR THIS?]...GROUCHO MARX,WHO DIED IN[1977]NOBODY SAID THAT TARGETMAN WAS THE SHARPEST BLADE ON THE SHELF,ANYHOW SIR THIS FREES YOU TO CONTINUE WITH THIS IMPORTANT WORK FOR OUR COUNTRY..AND DA HOOD...ALSO SIR I'VE SPOKEN WITH AN ALMOST-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..THE FOREMOST AUDACITY-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AUTHORITY ON INAUGURAL BALLS,DR.WILLITWORK AND HE SAYS FOR THAT AS A GIFT TO YOU HE'S SENDING HIS SECRET RUBBUMMUPP CREAM WHICH HE SAYS WILL CURE YOU OR A REASONAL FACT SIMILY THEREOF OR YOUR MONEY BACK,BUT SINCE IT'S A GIFT YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN,THE GOOD DOCTOR SAYS JUST USE HIS SECRET FORMULAR THREE TIMES AN HOUR AND YOU SHOULD BE FINE,OR SOMETHING,ALL HE ASK IS IF YOU CAN LOOK INTO THE SMALL MATTER OF HIS BEING BARRED FROM PRACTICING FOR LIFE,ALL BECAUSE OF A SMALL DISPUTE MANY YEARS AGO WITH THE LOCAL WITCH DOCTOR OVER SOME ANTI HEAD SHRINKING LOTION THAT THE GOOD DR.PRESCRIBED A WHILE BACK WHEN THE WITCH DOCTORS WIFE HAD AN UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT..[NO ONE HAS SEEN HER HEAD IN MANY YEARS ALTHOUGH HER VOICE IS HEARD..[SHE'S IN THERE SOMEWHERE]ANYHOW THERE WAS A NASTY TRIAL IN KANGEROO COURT...[IT WAS TO BE TRIED IN THE SUPREME COURT,BUT THE SUPREMES WERE ON TOUR]LEGEND HAS IT THAT SOME CASH WAS STUFFED INTO THE POUCH OF THE HEAD KANGEROO AND THAT WAS THAT,ANYHOW SIR IF YOU CAN LOOK INTO THIS MATTER AFTER YOU'RE IN OFFICE IT WOULD BE MUCH GRATITUDE AND VOTES..THANK YOU SIR;;;;[of course sir if the remedy doesn't work you can put a few bills in the pouch of the kangeroo and get his vote]RUN JERRY RUN!!

  47. #47
    Of course I'll help him out. He was treated unfairly. I think they held that situation with the fertility clinic against him. Turns out every woman treated gave birth to a baby that had exactly six toes on his left foot and four on his right. That condition occurs in 1 out of 500 million people. Apparently, it was one out of 7 billion (which was Dr. Rubbummupp) until 14 kids somehow came up with it. He got into that situation with the witch doctor because he needed extra loot to pay child support for his alleged extended family. But I'll make all of that go away if he sends the lotion and fills out 20 thousand absentee ballots by Tuesday.

    And it can't be confirmed but apparently the witch doctor had an axe to grind against him after he and his headless wife became the proud parents of twins who each had six toes on their left feet and four on their right. I may not be a man of science but that can happen to anybody, am I right? I asked the witch doctor if he was sure Dr. Rubbummupp was fooling around with his wife and he told me that she couldn't look him in his eyes and tell him he was wrong. Can't fault that logic.

    Anyway, Targetman almost caught me sneaking out of the liquor store. I had to light one of Grady's bean pies on fire and throw it against the wall to distract him but it worked. It worked out well too because the liquor store owner collected enough money to replace the building, which exploded on contact. Should have taken a few beans out of the pie before I set it on fire but I'm glad everything turned out right. Too bad about the orphanage that burned down next door but that shows why you can't run a business without insurance, am I right? That's all on them. Even that worked out fine because I couple of hustlers took the kids off the street and taught them how to commit phone scams so it's not like they're homeless. So glad to know that I have the support of the community.

  48. #48
    BLESS YOU SIR,WE ARE SO FORTUNATE TO HAVE A MAN OF YOUR STANDING OR SITTING AS OUR LEADER,I HOPE THAT YOU WILL PUT IN AN APPEARANCE AT GRADY'S ABNORMAL-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..ANNUAL BISON ROAST AND DUCK TONGUE FRY FOR MEMORIAL DAY..[of course when word went out all the bison in da hood were seen running north towards Canada,which has a treaty with the bison]NOW AS YOU KNOW NOTHING FAZES GRADY...[except an audit]SO HE'LL LIKELY HAVE A MEAT??? SUBSTITUTE...[keep your fingers crossed]BUT ANYHOW SIR IT WILL BE A FUN TIME FOR ALL...[free stomach pumps for the kids]HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!

  49. #49
    Grady has also announced, via Zoom, of a free Wildebeest Cook-Off in the JCPenney parking lot. It's to raise funds for the ailing retailer. Former Masked Singer performers haved signed on Instagram Live. Social distancing will be strictly enforced. But sir, the benefit can only happen after 2am., between 2 and 2:45. Cause that's the only time dat dude from Amazon refuels his drones. Him being the richest guy in history! It's scheduled to be in the South Bronx. So we should be good. I got the hookup at Fordham U. JCP says they'll make it worth your while come your stump speeches. Word on the street is they're willing to swap the empty parking lots for cash donations. Don't worry sir, I'm on it! I know you can do this! The country is with you! Da hood needs you!!

  50. #50
    I'm not sure I trust JCPenney. I taped a Penney's logo on my nephew's son's baby mama's EBT card and managed to buy two pairs of gators, some Stacy Adams and an ascot. They tried paging me to rectify the situation but I had already pawned my pager (see above) and they couldn't reach me. Now, my nephew's son's baby mama is in hot water because the man is on her to pay the bill. And my nephew is mad at me because his boy has to watch the kids while she straightens the situation out. Seriously, is it just me or does nobody show respect to their elders anymore?

    Anyway, I might make the cook-off but if I show up, I'll be wearing something from Sears so they won't recognize me. And good looking out with that hookup from Fordham. Great school. I got in trouble once when a cop asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a student. When he wanted to know where I went to school, I told him "FU" and he arrested me for resisting and also for bleeding on his night stick and shoes. That was when I realized that perhaps I wasn't college material.

    BTW: I just saw where Grady and Lilbits are having more beef because apparently he thought she was a Wildebeest and slathered buffalo sauce on her. This wouldn't normally be a problem but it was medium heat and Lilbits takes her buffalo sauce rated thermonuclear hellfire. She chased him through his kitchen before slipping on some bacon grease and landing on her back. The beef began when he told her she had to pay for his dishwasher (Mofus Amirite, that African dude) to use his spare forklift to get her up. Lilbits refused so they just used it to push her out into the alley off the loading dock. Bad move because that's where the Wildebeests were tethered Lilbits ate two of them. Now Grady's suing her for the cost of replacing the gears on the forklift and the two Wildebeest and she's suing him for failing to provide french fries with her meal. Just so messy.

    But I'll straighten it out because once I'm in office, Americans will be so proud they'll just send their paychecks to Pennsylvania Avenue for the chance to love each other. This thing is gathering momentum. Remember: If you don't vote for me, then you ain't brown. Or white. Or yellow, red, gray or striped. Thank you. And may God bless da hood.

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