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  1. #101
    Sir,i may be able to help you out of your little situation with artie...my nephew[liljai]found some bunnies down at the condemed construction site and limepit where he plays and he can get one that looks just like the one that passed so artie will not know the difference,you can just say that the bunny was lost and now is found,which will make artie happy and in your dept which in turn will make you untouchable in da hood..run jerry run!

  2. #102
    I wish you would have told me that last week, Bruh! Mrs. The Murderous Lech decided to make lemonade out of lemons in that situation and the way she told Artie that the rabbit had died was by deep frying it and serving it with chips for his dinner. Artie almost caught me one day but he was so full of rabbit 'n chips, he lost a step and I got away by jumping off a waterfall. But gimme your nephew's phone number because I might be able to sell those bunnies to Grady who can substitute the meat for beef liver in his stew (bunny meat sells for $1.16/pound less than beef liver) and maybe I'll make enough loot to pay Artie the $18.65 he's demanding (the .65 is interest, Artie is all about the loot and every day I'm having to pay him another 6.5 cents; at this point, I may get in over my head and might seek Secret Service protection). But good looking out. I'm making progress because when I called the polling company yesterday to see why my name wasn't listed in the national results, instead of asking me who I was, they told me they had a complaint department downstairs in their *ss and if I wanted to see somebody about my concern, I could go down and wait for service. So it looks like they're recognizing me outside the hood! Baby steps!!

  3. #103
    UMM SIR,I'D FORGET ABOUT GRADY IN THIS DEAL...[he already has a farm down at the limepit]BUT I'LL SPEAK TO[LILJAI]ABOUT THOSE BUNNIES..UNFORTUNATELY HE DOESN'T HAVE A PHONE ANYMORE AS HIS PARENTS GAVE HIM ONE BUT HE KEPT CALLING SOME OUT OF TOWN NUMBER -[BEECHWOOD-4-5789] AND SOME CHICK WOULD ANSWER SAYING-[WE CAN HAVE A DATE ANY OL TIME]WELL HIS DAD PUT A STOP TO THAT...[he went to Detroit and dated the chick]AND WHEN HIS WIFE FOUND OUT SHE KICKED HIM OUT..BUT BACK TO THIS STORY-WE'LL GET THOSE BUNNIES FOR YOU SIR-RUN JERRY RUN!!

  4. #104
    Good looking out, Homeboy. I just found a good recipe for gumbo made with rabbit kidneys and the snails people keep in their home aquariums. A few bunnies will give me an unlimited and never-ending supply of the first and I can slip by my cousin Junie's to get the snails (he stopped cleaning his aquarium in 1992 and it's pretty much a snail pit now) and that should give me the protein I need to start up a business that might change the game for recipes in the hood. I figure I can sell it out of the alley behind the Shell station on Gary Coleman Road, which will give people quick access to a bathroom in case something... goes wrong. Anyway, I can get a couple of orphans to scrounge up the other supplies from various private gardens in the hood (under cover of anonymity, of course; can't get caught up in anything that could be 'sketchy'). Other than that, I'm gonna need a couple tons of salt, which makes everything taste great so I'm probably going to get that from the beach (I saw where salt and sand are pretty closely related). But if this takes off, I'll probably have plenty of loot to funnel through one of Artie's money cleaning operations and maybe even enough to pay him off. Look at how everything's coming together! It's a sign!!!!

  5. #105
    YOU'RE A GENIUS SIR...[and smart too]DA HOOD AND DA COUNTRY IS BLESSED THAT YOU ARE ON-OPP-ERR-AHEM-HEHE...IN OUR CORNER.

  6. #106
    SIR,AS WORD OF YOUR IMPENDING VICTORY RAGES THROUGH DA HOOD LIKE WILDFIRE FOLKS HERE WANT TO BE A PART OF HISTORY...[and hoping to break off a piece of change too]MOTHER PITTS OF[PITTS PRUNEJUICE AN KALE CAFE]ON THE OTHER SIDE OF DA HOOD WANTS YOU TO ENDORSE HER INFAMOUS[MUSKY MUSTARD GREENS AN SOURMILK BISCUITS]...[the old girl is loaded an has alot of friends on this side of town]SOME OF WHOM CAN ACTUALLY STILL REMEMBER HOW TO VOTE,ALSO BROTHER BOONE OF DA FARMS CHURCH OF DA WHOLLY HEAL WANTS TO BLESS YOU DOWN AT HIS HOLY WHOLE IN DA WALL CHAPEL DOWN AT THE OPPOSITE END OF DA HOOD...[just look for the big cross with the spinning dollar sign on top]THE GOOD BROTHER IS KNOWN FOR HIS SPECIAL OILS AND CENTED CANDLES...[so called because it 's gonna cost a few cents to get em]THESE GOOD FOLKS WANT TO MAKE THEMSELVES AVAILABLE TO YOU IF YOU SHOULD GET TO THIS PART OF DA HOOD...[of course sir they wouldn't mind a cabinet position either,if you should have one or two laying around]MAYBE AN AMBASSADORSHIP TO SOME SMALL COUNTRY OR ISLAND..WELL SIR THEY JUST WANTED ME TO PASS THE WORD...[hoping that you will pass some cash]WORD ON DA STREET SAYS THAT BROTHER BOONES HAS QUITE A FOLLOWING...[they follow him all the way out to his special wholey drinkery in back of his chapel where drink is served every Friday-Saturday]AND SOME SUNDAYS,AND THEY WILL VOTE WHICHEVER WAY HE TELLS EM...[if you get my drift sir]THESE GOOD FOLK COULD HELP YOU GAIN THE VOTES NEEDED TO CEMENT YOUR VICTORY..RUN JERR RUN!!

  7. #107
    Good news! Now that my PO took my ankle monitor off, I'll be able to hang out down in the hood again. They booted me up on 80 warrants and 150 unpaid tickets (but one of the warrants was a mistake) and even though I told them it was a misunderstanding, they hauled me in anyways. Something about "an abundance of caution" and "high probability to offend again if released"... Anyhoo, I had my old high school buddy Percy Punkins create a tape of the prosecutor talking about how nasty the judge's award winning turkey and sauerkraut turnovers are and threatened to let her listen to it if he didn't suggest that they take the monitor off and he fell for it. As long as I stay out of jail, the good judge won't listen to the tape so it's a win/win all the way around. Let everybody know that I have 15 minutes to spare next Thursday between 9:39 and 9:54 and that I'll be over to see them and collect their donations (remember, food stamps and EBT donations HAVE to be three times the amount so I can sell them at fair market value). It'll be good to see all of my peeps again but make sure they wear their masks and social distance because I can use some Corona beer but they can keep that Coronavirus in the pews. And no hand shaking unless they step out of a tub full of sanitizer first. It's gonna be so good to see somebody from the hood reach the highest heights and I won't forget everybody who helped make it possible (so tell them not to try to come see me in the Whites House, because I remember them and don't need to see them again). But since I'm gonna have my inaugural ball in the hood because it's going to be a great nod to my homeboys and honeys (and a value at only $450 per ticket for an event that will be catered by Church's Fried Chicken AND White Castles (guests get their choice of either but not both, I'm not made of money) and it's going to be lit!!!). Anyway, keep up the good work, Brother. I need more folks like you to help me bring this thing home. Actually, I need about 80 million more people like you but I'm off to a good start.

  8. #108
    SIR,THESE DIRTY TRICKS BY THE OTHER PARTY HAVE GOT TO STOP...[a man of your stature wearing an ankle monitor,and those judges are on the payroll of the opposition]THEY'RE RUNNING SCARED BECAUSE IT'S YOUR TIME SIR AND THEY KNOW IT,HECK IF THEY WANNA GO ON YOUR MISSPENT YOUTH HALF DA HOOD WILL STAND WITH YOU..[providing their probations are up an the child payments are up to date]SIR DA PEOPLE ARE FEED UP WITH THIS MISTREATMENT AND I'M ABOUT TO START A PETITION AS SOON AS I FIND TEN FOLKS WHO DON'T HAVE COURT DATES COMING UP...[it's rough out here]...[two hundred dudes tested positive for not only covid19,but their DNA test came back positive for some newborns in da hood maturnity wards which is overcrowded and little bundles of joy have been found on some doorsteps-it's rough outthere]THAT CONVOY OF TRUCKS THAT YOU PASSED ON YOUR WAY HERE WAS THOSE DUDES GOING TO JAIL..BUT WE WON'T TAKE THIS LAYING DOWN SIR,A RALLY IS PLANNED DOWN AT AMOS N ANDY PARK UNDER THE BANNER OF...DEADBEAT DADS MATTER,WITH A SPEECH FROM THE LEADING POLITICAL VOICE IN DA HOOD...DISHIKI DOUG OF THE[GREEN DOLLARS PARTY]WHOSE SLOGAN IS...THE GREENER THE DOLLARS THE BIGGER THE PARTY..THIS WILL BE BIG SIR AND IF YOU'RE PASSING BY STOP AND WAVE...DA HOOD IS ON DA MOVE!!

  9. #109
    Dishiki Doug was spotted on camera wearing his mask backwards and now 5-0 is looking for him. They said that they're out of practice tackling and pepper spraying people and although wearing a mask wrong isn't really something that can get you arrested, it's definitely something that can get your butt beat. I saw six cruisers, two motorcycles and a meter maid heading in his direction to get in on the action. Hope he's going to be okay. Anyway, those brothers in the convoy should be okay because I turned the street signs around so that no matter which way they go, the convoy will go the wrong way and wind up driving into the boonies (thanks Bugs Bunny for the idea). And let those brothers know that I'll create a program that'll pay for their DNA tests if they send in an application and a small $599 fee to my campaign fund. And I'll wipe their child support off the books if they send me half of what they save. I'm all for making sure my homeboys have a fair chance to succeed. That's why I need them to vote early and to vote often. It's not just about me being rich. I mean, it's not just about me being president. It's about uplifting my people and getting these baby mamas off my butt. Hard to concentrate when I'm in court every other day. (I'm gonna have the FDA put a male version of the Pill on fast track, this is ridiculous... Where'd all of these greedy irresponsible women come from anyway???!). But I'm a proud papa. My last family picture was actually a billboard because it was the only way to get everybody in the same shot. But I hear the Whites House has plenty of bedrooms so maybe I can save on some of that child support when I take residence. Only if I win. So let me know when I can get another four boxes of absentee ballots filled out. I just got them printed up. Thanks again, Bruh!

    Vote For Jerry If You Don't Want To Pay Taxes, Need Free Healthcare And He'll Give You A Monthly $500 Voucher For Every Hooch House In Da Hood.

  10. #110
    SIR,I'LL GET THOSE BALLOTS FILLED OUT PRONTO..THE GOOD SENIORS DOWN AT THE[BOTTOM OF DA BARROLL SENIOR CITIZENS JOINT AND WINETASTING EMPORIUM]...[they'll sign anything that gets em outta their rooms]AND THE FACT THAT MOST OF EM DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHO THEY ARE OR WHERE THEY ARE HELPS...[I just slip the attendant a renewed foodstamp card and he'll have em lined up]DISHIKI DOUG IS GONNA WEAR A TIE WITH HIS DISHIKI...[HE HASN'T WORN ANYTHING ELSE SINCE 1972]SO THE COPS WON'T KNOW IT'S HIM...[he'll speak in sign due to the lockjaw he got from eating at Grady's two weeks ago]BUT SINCE DOUG ONLY FINISHED SECOND GRADE,DUUFUSS WILL HELP HIM OUT,THE PEOPLE ARE EXCITED...[this rally is on the same day as the stimulus surplusses are coming]SO IT'LL BE BIG CROWDS,FOLKS ARE LINED UP AT THE GOVERNMENT HANDOUT OFFICE WHICH IS NEXT TO DA LIQUOR STORE...CONTROVERSY IS BREWING OVER WHICH ANTHEM SHOULD BE USED TO OPEN THE RALLY...TALKIN LOUD AND SAYIN NOTHIN OR ARE YOU MY DADDY WHICH WILL BE SUNG BY THE TINY TYKES OF DA HOOD...HOPE YOU CAN MAKE IT SIR!!

  11. #111
    Just got a box of ballots (thanks!) and for the most part, it looks okay. But can you find out which nursing home Bessie Washburn lives in? Instead of signing some of the ballots a name from the list that was provided, she scribbled "Bessie Washburn, but who cares since her kids seem to forget that she even exists? By the way, who makes up the menu in this place anyway, somebody who thinks there's a secret recipe for Alpo?" on a dozen ballots. That might elicit a little bit of concern from the officials that something might not be right. I'm thinking we should exclude Bessie from the next few boxes. And find out if Grady's working overtime at the nursing home. Alpo is one of his key ingredients in his meatloaf and sloppy joes but I don't know if it's safe for the elderly to eat them because Grady serves meatloaf and sloppy joes with his world infamous Mac and Cheese and the last time I heard, Mac had warrants for theft and Cheese had been prevented from working with food because she "samples" a little bit of every dish she serves and people think she's pretty gross. I talked to Grady about this once and he asked if I enjoyed his chicken heart and spinach lasagna (which he knows I do since I order it three, four times a week) and when I told him I do, he told me to mind my own business. But if anything is missing from the nursing home, I'd suspect it was because of Mac and if anything's missing from the old folks' plates, check the corners of Cheese's mouth (she needs to stop it). Besides, Grady has been warned by the health department to stop serving senior citizens since four of them were found to be embalmed before they got to the mortuary last year and it turned out they all had receipts from his joint (that's why Grady stopped giving receipts). Anyways, good looking out again. When I'm president, we'll need to figure out whether you want a set sum of the loot that I collect for my inaugural bash or a percentage of the total gate. But I'm going to hook you up.

  12. #112
    WELL,THANK YOU SIR FOR THE GENEROUS OFFER...[I 'll settle for the loot]NOW I'M GONNA HAVE MY PEOPLES LOOK INTO THE MATTER OF MISS BESSIE...[I think she knew my great,great,great granddad back in the day]AS FOR MAC & CHEESE,THEY WERE RUN OUT OF DA HOOD WAY BACK FOR SERVING THINGS THAT,LET'S JUST SAY WEREN'T QUITE RIGHT,AND THE THING THAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW IS THAT THOSE TWO WERE GRADY'S MENTORS...[everything he knows about cooking he learned from them]WHICH EXPLAINS SOME THINGS,LEGEND HAS IT THAT THOSE TWO WERE GIVEN A CHOICE-LEAVE OR GET TARRED AND FEATHERED BUT GRADY HAS SEVERAL PROPERTIES IN DA HOOD SO IT SEEMS THAT HE'S BEEN HIDING THEM...MAC & CHEESETAUGHT GRADY ALL THE TRICKS SUCH AS SCRAPING PAINTCHIPS OFF OF WALLS AND SERVE THEM AS SPICES OR THE SECRET OF HIS INFAMOUS-CHILLY-CHILL CHILL...[you don't wanna know]THOSE TWO ARE A MENACE TO DA HOOD'S HEALTH...[they're much worst that Grady and it don't get no worst than him]NOW AS FOR MISS BESSIE IT SEEMS THAT SHE WAS KINDA FRISKY SHALL WE SAY,AND GREAT,GREAT,GREAT GRANDDAD TOOK NOTICE WHICH WOULD'VE BEEN COOL EXCEPT THAT HE WAS MARRIED WITH TWENTY FIVE KIDS,AND HIS DEAR WIFE-GREAT,GREAT,GREAT GRANDMA WAS DA HOOD RECORDS KEEPER...[78's-33's because she had the only victrola in da hood]OH AND SHE KEPT BIRTH RECORDS AS HER DAY JOB,SO WHEN SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE FLIRTATION MISS BESSIE'S RECORDS DISAPPEARED WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HER OFFSPRING HAVE NO MEMORY OF HER,LEGEND HAS IT THAT MISS BESSIE RAN THE LOCAL EATERY AND THE RELATIVES OF[MAC&CHEESE]SUPPLED HER INGREDIENTS WHICH EXPLAINS HOW GRADY GOT INVOLVED YEARS LATER,WELL SIR THAT'S THE STORY SO FAR BUT I GOT MY PEEPS ON IT AND THE TRUTH[or something]WILL BE FOUND..I'LL BE IN TOUCH SIR!!

  13. #113
    There's a million stories in the naked hood. And most of the stories have naked people in them. I didn't know that about Ms. Bessie but it explains why she locked me in her room last week before telling me to "strip and dance like a little monkey". She got mad and threw her dentures at me after I told her that my clothes were locked (I lost the key) and that I only do big monkey dances. She swore to sabotage my campaign and that nobody would ever want to vote for me again (glad I told her my name George W. Bush). I jumped out of a window and landed on Mac who was running on the sidewalk outside after he stole the safe out of the cafeteria and unfortunately, the cops caught him. I got $21.85 from Crime Solvers but now everybody at the senior home is calling me a narc and I'm gonna have a heck of a time promising them enough kickbacks in their Social Security in order to get their confidence and votes back. To make things worse, Cheese saw that the fall knocked the wind out of me, she tried to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation and thanks to the fact that she had enough food stuck in the corner of her mouth to feed an Indian orphanage I got sick and won't likely be eating again for weeks. But thank goodness I never took that IV back after I found it in the back of that abandoned ambulance. I can just get my nutrients intravenously until I get my appetite back. I asked her if she ever brushed her teeth and she said she did before pulling out a hair brush and began using it to brush her teeth. Personally, I might not go back to that senior home for a few weeks unless they can lock up Bessie and keep those old folks quiet about me bing a narc because I need to maintain my street cred. It was a horrible all around experience but I'll survive. We're getting closer and closer to election day. Remember:

    Vote For Jerry If You Don't Want To Pay Taxes, Need Free Healthcare And He'll Give You A Monthly $500 Voucher For Every Hooch House In Da Hood.

  14. #114
    SIR YOU'RE A LEGEND FOR THE FOLKS HERE IN DA HOOD,AN EXSPI-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AN INSPIRATION TO ONE AND ALL...[and they hope to get paid]NOW IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME OF THE LEADING HOLY MEN HERE WANT TO BE A PART OF HISTORY...[and break off a piece of change]SUCH AS THE BENEDICTION FOR SUCCESS WHICH IS A PART OF THE CEREMONY ON YOUR BIG DAY,NOW WE HAVE SEVERAL CROOKS-OPP-ERR-AHEM-HEHE...CHRISTIAN PASTORIALS HERE AND A COUPLE OF JUDGES TOO,SUCH AS THE DISHON-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..DISTINGUISHED [JUDGE GAVEL] FROM THE SUPREME COURT PROJECTS ON THE WEST SIDE WHO USED TO JUDGE THE FINANCIAL BUSINESS IN DA HOOD...[until it was discovered that the good judge was putting finances into his business first]BUT HE'S BEEN A MODEL CITIZEN SINCE HIS RELEASE,THERE'S ALSO THE [RIGHTOUS REVEREND RIGHTSIDE]WHOSE [CHURCH OF THE PASSING PLATE]HAS QUITE A FOLLOWING...[including the IRS agents who are still trying to figure where all those donations went back in 1949]BUT NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN PROVEN,AND THERE'S THE[BISHOP BILTEMIFYOUCAN]OF THE[BETTER TO GIVE BAPTIST CHURCH]THESE PARISITES-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..THESE PILLARS OF DA HOOD HOPE THAT YOU WON'T FORGET THEM ON YOUR BIG DAY...[sir they have large followings and most of them actually vote if you get my drift]SO SIR JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT...IT'S NOT A BAD THING TO HAVE THESE HOLY MEN ON YOUR SIDE..RUN JERRY RUN!!

  15. #115
    I'm glad you told me that. I'm going to send my spiritual advisor, the Rev. Doctor Deacon Brother Minister Prophet Oley "Moley" Holey to talk to them right away. Rev. "Moley" Holey has a way with words that just makes folks want to give and I'm pretty sure he can talk both of those ministers into coughing up enough loot to allow them to speak at my inauguration service. He'll tell 'em that their Sunday morning public access viewership will triple once people know who they are (but nothing comes for free). I'm looking forward to hearing the good word (which in this case is "Yes, we'll write the checks right away, Rev. 'Moley' Holey") and we'll get them scheduled. So glad to do my part to make sure the sheep in my community get fleeced regularly because I saw on a PBS show that sheep need to be fleeced, which is one of Rev. "Moley" Holey's favorite catch phrases and if they're being fleeced, I want my cut. It's almost time for me to shave (it's been three weeks!) and shaving cream ain't free. Anyways, tell the good men that I'll send my emissary over on Sunday morning and if they don't want to write checks, cash is accepted (and easier to clean). Good looking out. I'm trying to get into the debates but they blocked my number and I need to get a burner phone to try to call again. This thing is looking better all the time.

  16. #116
    WOW SIR YOU KNOW THE REVEREND DOCTOR DEACON? SIR YOU KNOW ALL THE LEEC-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..ALL THE LEGENDS,LEGEND HAS IT THAT HE CAME THROUGH DA HOOD YEARS AGO ON HIS INFAMOUS[HOLY ROLL EM TOUR]AND WHEN HE LEFT TWENTY MINUTES LATER THERE WASN'T A DOLLAR LEFT....[he even got Grady to fork over some cash]THE HOLY MEN HERE IDOLIZE THE REV.DOCTOR DEACON,THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD!

  17. #117
    Yeah, I've known him since I was a kid. My great-uncle is the one who asked him as a child why he had all of those moles and that's where he got his nickname. He took offense because before that, he thought they were gerbils and he didn't appreciate finding out they were moles. Until that, he was just ol' Oley Holey. But once he got that nickname, he swore vengeance on the world and the brakes came off. He blackmailed the president of a seminary into giving him a diploma and appointing him as a preacher and since then, he's been one of the top infomercial ministers on the east coast. And he's really good too. He once convinced a homeless man who said he had nothing to sell his underwear so he could give the good reverend enough money for a can of pop. "Everybody has something," the minister once told me. "And everybody's gonna give it to me." I'll never forget the time he had a marathon service and he talked so long and so slowly, everybody in the congregation fell asleep and he had his deacons pick their pockets. He's smart, too because he took half of the loot and bought tacos from a food truck and when the people woke up, he fed them and by the time they realized they were ripped off, nobody thought that the same man who gave them all of that good food was the one who took their wallets. There was a huge fight in the parking lot after that service of people who thought other church members took their stuff and Rev. "Moley" Holey took video footage of it and sold it to TMZ. And then there was that time when he told me he learned a new magic trick. He asked if I had a $10 bill and when I produced one, he disappeared. Still don't know how he did that. He was going to name Mac 'n Cheese as his underbosses but they decided they'd rather go into politics than religion and now they're running for mayor. Anyway, I was gonna call him before I remembered lending him my cell phone so I need to find a quarter and a phone booth so I can touch bases. I'll let you know when he's coming through.

  18. #118
    Wow,sir this guy is a legend..i'm gonna put in a call to the legendary docu-series folks...twenty minutes-they get all the celebs that past through..this is gonna be good!!

  19. #119
    I dunno if that's a good idea. If 20 Minutes does a story on him, he's going to take them to court and get 10 of those minutes. This brother doesn't play and as he once said in a sermon, "Jesus forgives. I get even". He sues everybody who puts his face on TV if it's not in an infomercial. As a matter of fact, a local station did a story on him after it was discovered that the printer in the church basement was being used to print money and he sued them for leaving "Brother" out of his title when they mentioned him and now, the call letters of the station are WMOL and his infomercial airs for free nine times a week. To show that there were no hard feelings, he offered to baptize the station's lawyer and when he did, he held him under the water until he swore to (in the reverend's words) "never do that sh** again". He does not mess around.

  20. #120
    Wow,sir i'm memsmerized,would he give an exclusive interview to the one and only..scoop scoopy scoop?

  21. #121
    Absolutely. Anything for a "donation" to his "foundation". But it's going to cost Scoop a little extra after he did that piece for Outside Edition where he infiltrated Rev. Holey's church by dressing as a pew and got all of that dirt about Rev. Holey buying Oxycodone with his tithing money to supply his pill mills and also to fund his baby seal clubbing business. Apparently, some people can view a pastor unfavorably if he sells drugs indiscriminately and offers excursions to Canada where participants can take bats to bash the heads of cute little baby animals for fun. But you know the Rev... He sued Scoop and Outside Edition for defamation and beat them without even using a lawyer. He told the jury that the people he sold the drugs to were in serious pain and ignored by the system. Since they had no insurance, he let them trade their cars (without titles sometimes), EBT balances and copper pipes (for .16 a pound) for the relief they needed. It was all charitable. And the folks who clubbed the baby seals all had aggression issues and he let them beat those poor pups like pinatas because it was the best way to keep them from taking their anger out on the public. He did it all for society, he said, and when he started with his Who Can Judge Me But God sermon from the witness stand, Scoop was scalped in court. Not a dry eye in the jury (Rev. "Moley" Holey actually got them all to empty their wallets out before finding in his favor). The man is a giant among infomercial preachers. If Scoop wants to step back into those waters, I'm sure it can be arranged.

  22. #122
    ERR-AHEM-HEHE...THAT SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING WAS SETTLED[Scoop was shall we say-let go]OVER THAT LITTLE STUNT,AND IS NOW WORKING FOR A RIVAL NEWS SHOW WHICH IS A SUB-CELEB SERIES...[FIVE MINUTES]BUT OL SNOOP HAS BEEN AROUND FOR AWHILE AND HE'LL FIND A WAY TO GET THOSE ANSWERS...[SNOOP IS STILL BEING SUED FOR THAT LITTLE PIECE HE DID ON GRADY YEARS AGO..as a result Grady had to remove certain items from his menu..although he later put em back on covered in gravy]SCOOPY ONLY HAS FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE BY THE TIME THE REV.DOCTOR FIGURES OUT WHAT THE QUESTION WAS THE NETWORK WILL HAVE ERASED IT...THIS WILL BE GOOD!!

  23. #123
    I'm still excited about the election but I'm serious when I say, it's hard to get good help in the hood. I told my friend Betty Wooden-Byitt that I needed somebody to help me prepare for the debate and she said he had somebody who would do it for cheap. Of course, "cheap" is my second favorite word and I told her to send the guy over. I spent three days in front of the mirror trying to project an imposing image for the upcoming argument when there was a knock at the door. Opened it up and some guy was there with dirty buckets and a bunch of fishing gear. I asked him what he wanted and he said that Betty sent him over with de bait because I needed help. Apparently, the buckets had earthworms and crickets in them. Of course that's not what I wanted but I went fishing anyway and caught three trout, a bluegill, four nightcrawlers and a case of head cold. Now I have to stay at home because everywhere I go, people think I've got the COVID-19. Not a great time to be running but there'll never be a better chance to score a high paying gig and free housing, so I'm going for it. When I called the Whites House and asked if Trump would be leaving early after the election or if I had to wait until my inauguration to change the sheets, they sent Secret Service men out to assault me. Glad I used my cousin's cell phone because they thought he was the one who made the call. Of course, he didn't appreciate the situation so he called the Secret Service to register a complaint and they sent the police to handle the situation and the cops physically assaulted him. That was just too much for him so he called renowned civil rights litigation lawyer Lemmy Soothem-Foreya and Lemmy got right on it. He tried to depose the police chief and he sent four crossing guards over to see my cousin and they physically assaulted him until he agreed to drop all charges. I tell ya, things are tough out here and I can't wait to fix it all.

  24. #124
    I'M SORRY ABOUT BETTY,SHE'S NOT EXACTLY THE MOST TRUSTED PERSON IN DA HOOD...[she's Grady's fourth wife's second cousin's stepson's grandneice]SO THAT COULD EXPLAIN SOME THINGS,BUT AS WORD OF YOUR ADMINISTRATION SPREADS BIG CHANGES ARE IN THE WORKS ACCORDING TO WORD ON DA STREET...[ol Word has been outthere a long time after he was kicked out of the homeless shelter for non payment of rent,ol Word just sort of wanders from one end of da hood to the other and he hears everything]SO HIS WORD IS BOND,NOW THERE ARE RUMBLINGS ABOUT HAVING ONE MAYOR AND A RUNOFF ELECTION IS PLANNED...[one of em is gonna be run off and the one that's left is da man]AND THERE'S TALK OF A BOARD OF REVIEW...[as soon as they figure out where to hang the board]SIR THINGS ARE GONNA BE MUCH IMPROVED IF THE LEADING CITIZENS HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY..NEW JUDGE TO SIT IN THE COURT THE HONORABLE JUSTICE[THIR T. DAZE]THIS GUY DON'T PLAY SO LAW AND ORDER WILL BE PRESERVED..[in big Mason Jars]ALSO THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT IS SENDING SOMEONE TO LOOK INTO GRADY'S OPERATION-AGENT[KNOW U.DON'T]..WORD ON THE STREET SAYS THAT GRADY IS LINING UP HIS LEGAL TEAM[I.WILL GETUOFF-TUU-DAYY]BUT HE'S SO SCARED THAT NOBODY HAS GOTTEN SICK IN A WEEK,YEP BIG CHANGES ARE COMING SIR THANKS TO YOU.

  25. #125
    SIR,WITH ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT THE POST OFFICE SCARING FOLKS I HAVE THE ANSWER,I WAS DOWN AT DA HOOD POST OFFICE AND THE HEAD DUDE DOWN THERE SAID THAT THE ANSWER WILL BE TO INSTITUTE THE SYSTEM USED DOWN HERE...THE DANCIN PIGFEET,THEY WORK CHEAP-CAN'T BE CAUGHT-WORK ALL HOURS RAIN OR SHINE-ONCE THEY GET THE WORD IT'S ON-ANY AND ALL MAIL WILL BE DELIVERED WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT AND SINCE THEY RUN NO NEED FOR TRUCKS JUST GIVE EM A BAG OF MAIL AND THAT'S IT[imagine how much gas will be saved,which is good for the economy which will make you look even better with the people]THAT MONEY CAN BE STASHED-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..USED FOR ECONOMIC CAUSES AS YOU SEE FIT SIR,JUST A HOPEFUL HINT TO HELP GET THIS COUNTRY BACK ON IT'S FEET..IT'S DANCIN PIGSFEET...[a little postal humor sir]RUN JERRY RUN!!

  26. #126
    That's a great idea but I've already come up with a great solution to the problem with the post office. I'm going to have the USPS begin a program where we bring in a local school for a field trip everyday. Under the guise of education, we'll let the snot nosed little brats get their hands dirty by showing them how to load trucks, sort mail, empty mailboxes and lose packages. If we keep them for the full 8-hour shift, that's like having 20-25 extra workers every single day and that ought to make up for lost productivity AND help the budget since the help will be free. With a little luck, this will instill the crumb crushers with work ethic and we'll have developed the future postal workers of America and resolved multiple problems at the same time. Just keep them off the forklifts. When the world sees the ultra-brilliance of my mega genius super mind, they'll wonder why I haven't been president for years. I'm pretty sure Congress will vote to give me a pay raise commensurate with my contributions (I'm thinking 2% of the Federal budget should be about right) and I can get these rotten babies moms off of my butt. Found one hiding in the cupboard yesterday taking pictures of me that she was trying to sell to TMZ. Thankfully, she had her phone pointed backwards and all she really took photos of were her nose hairs. It ain't easy being me.

  27. #127
    More brilliance sir..[and smart too]you da man!

  28. #128
    Well, I'm upset that no national networks decided to broadcast my convention because they said nobody ever heard of the House Party even though I can't walk anywhere in the Hood where nobody knows about the House Party. It convenes every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night and sometimes doesn't let out until Wednesday (we have a lot of... ahem... important business to take care of) and if you have the cover charge, you can join it on a nightly basis. I think my vice-president (Sheeza "Huge Booty" Cutie) affected their decision because she dresses, shall we say 'provocatively'. Or maybe 'dresses' is the wrong word since she can make a wardrobe out of a box of Kleenex, which may not have been safe for primetime. But I think it's because she's Black and I might have grievance with the mainstream media. Need to call up Dewey, Suem & Howe to see if I have a case. I asked Huge Booty to wear a pastie just to be careful and she told me all she had was Elmer's, which as we all know is glue so she was just gonna wing it. The out and out discrimination against the Hood and its fine people is exactly the reason why I'm running for office (along with the money; can't forget about the loot) and if I can, I'm going to litigate myself into the Whites House. But I did record the convention (which got a NC-17 rating from the MPAA) and it'll be on sale at Durdee Dood's Naughty House of Smut on Friday. It's only going to cost $39.95 of which $38.99 will go directly into my pock... campaign. So let your friends know to go to the filth palace and get copies (they make excellent Christmas gifts). They can park around back so nobody sees them. I'm more encouraged than ever to win this thing.

  29. #129
    SIR,IT'A NATIONAL DISGRACE THE WAY YOU ARE PORTRAYED IN THE NATIONAL MEDIA...[all these black an white portraits,when your opponents are in color]AND YES IT IS RACIALLY MOTIVATED TOO,SO I'M CALLING OUT THE BIG GUNS SIR,I SPOKE WITH THE FOLKS DOWN AT THE LOCAL CIVIL RIGHTS OFFICE..[ALDERMAN THE HONORABLE-WILLIE EARL BILLY BOB FRED DOUGLAS THE THIRD]HE JUST GOT BACK TO DA HOOD FROM SERVING TIME-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..SERVING UPSTATE,AND HE'S EAGER TO TAKE YOUR CASE TO THE HIGHEST COURT IN DA HOOD...[HILLSIDE COURTHOUSE-STEAMBATH&CATFISH INSTITUTE]UP ON THE HILL,SIR THE ALDERMAN WILL ARGUE THAT ALL KINDS OF LAWS HAVE BEEN BROKEN AND ALL HE WANTS IS A SEAT ON THE SUPREMES COURT[he sings background]AFTER YOU WIN..SIR HE GOT DUUFUSS INTO THE KINDERGARDEN AFTER THE STATE SAID THAT HE WAS TOTALLY HOPELESS WHEN HE UNCOVERED THAT THE WORD[STUPID]WAS SPELLED WRONG,THIS GUY DOESN'T MISS A THING AND HE'LL HELP YOU TOO,DA HOOD IS BEHIND YOU ALL THE WAY-RUN JERRY RUN!!

  30. #130
    Give him my number. These guys are crazy out here. They actually broadcast a few of my old mug shots last night and one of those charges resulted in a hung jury. But if you were to watch the alleged "news", you'd think that I was convicted on all seven cases. And I thought America was the land of redemption. I was in my young 30s when some of those cases were levied and here I am 20 years later having to address mistakes of my youth. It's all good though. My nephew Brutus Maximus "Missy" Dabully is going to dub a voice over Michelle Obama's speech from last week where it's gonna look like she's shaming people for not giving me a pass (Missy sounds a lot like Michelle Obama when he's been drinking and he's been drinking since 9:30 AM May 12, 2006) so unless the Obamas get wind of it, it'll look like she's endorsing me. Hope he does a good job of it because he has an appointment to try out for "RuPaul's Drag Race" after lunch. I don't have time for all of this because I have fires to put out. Huge Booty caught a warrant after a guy slipped her a food stamp at the strip club and she drove over his car with a hijacked back hoe. I might need to reconsider my running mate (her check hasn't cleared yet anyway). But I still have momentum and I think in two months I'll be the most powerful man in the Hood. I mean world.

  31. #131
    SIR,THE ALDERMAN WILL FILE ALL KINDS OF WRITS,HE'BECAME FAMOUS FOR HIS WRIT OF-UNUMAGNOGIPONRIPOFFMAGNUMOFPLURALS...NOW THAT'S PIG LATIN MIXED WITH EBONICS AND SINCE THOSE TWO DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST BY THE TIME THE COURT FIGURES THAT OUT...YOU'LL BE IN OFFICE,THE ALDERMAN'S GOT YOUR BACK SIR,IT'S IN THE BAG...[oh and sir,he ask that when he poses for his portrait on the court that you take the pic from his good side with the lucky dimple]RUN JERRY RUN!!

  32. #132
    SIR,THIS IS AND OUTSULT AND AN INRAGE...THE DEBATES TONIGHT AND YOUR NAME IS NOWHERE IN SIGHT...[they're runnin scared sir]YOUR AGENDA IS SECOND TO NONE AND AMERICA IS GONNA HEAR YOU...[I got my main man-Cable Box Billy on the case]AND AT THE RIGHT TIME ALL CHANNELS WILL CUT TO YOUR HEADQAURTERS WHERE I'M SURE YOU WILL BE READY TO ANSWER ANY AND ALL QUESTIONS..[of course sir you may want to take the fifth or drink a fifth when asked about certain contributions sir]BUT THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW YOU'RE STILL IN THE RACE AND HAVE THE ONLY PLAN TO SAVE THE REPUBLIC...RUN JERRY RUN!!

  33. #133
    SIR,I KNOW THAT YOU'RE OUTTHERE GETTING THOSE VOTES,I SPOKE WITH MY POLITICAL FOLKS DOWN AT[BROTHER BILKO'S SANITARIUM AN CRAB JOINT AN VOTING AN PHONE BOOTH]AND THE GOOD POLITICALS DOWN THERE SAY THAT YOU SHOULD GO DOWN TO THE LOCAL WALMART AND PASS OUT RED-WHITE-BLUE BABY WIPES[lots of tots outthere and those mamas are gonna love those freebies]THEY SAY THAT THE VOTES WILL COME POURING IN,WE'RE BEHIND YOU SIR-RUN JERRY RUN!!

  34. #134
    Sir,you've got em so scared that they cancelled the next debate,but i spoke with the politicos in da hood...[politicos baked bananas an smoked pigsfeet emporium]round da way,and he says that you should still show up,and debate with cutouts of your opponents and when the people see that only you had the guts to show up the votes will flow in your favor..run jerry run!!

  35. #135
    Well, who knows what's going on with these stupid debates. I was all set to crash the first one and demand a chance to speak but when I saw all of those people without masks, I decided to go to the next one and now they canceled it. And Biden's on ABC, Trump is on NBC and CBS keeps hanging up when I tell them I want to have a town hall. I tried to sue them but my lawyer (Imagette M. Foryoo, Esq.) can't get them to answer her phone calls either. I think they're afraid of my polling so well with the hood and they don't want me to reach out to the masses. But I'm gonna do mine on public access and then put it on YouTube because I need this job. If I don't win, all these baby mamas are gonna catch up to me and I'm gonna have to split my $130 a week six or seven different ways (still waiting for one DNA test). Heck, if I do that, I'll barely have enough loot for the lotteries (street and legal). It shouldn't be this expensive to be so lovable. Anyway, I have almost enough money to run a commercial so if I can do that, I think everything's pretty much a wrap. Thanks again for your support. I'm dropping off another five or six boxes of ballots tomorrow at midnight. They'll be behind the mailbox on Clarence Thomas Blvd. Think about it. This time next month, I'll be getting my keys for the Whites House made (I'm changing the locks) and all of my problems will be in the past.

    Cannot wait.

  36. #136
    YOU DA MAN SIR...[oh sir I told him I would ask you so here goes.. Big Phil's Pork Pit & Baked Onion Joint asked if possible after you get in to install a drive thru window so folks could get their Pork on]BIG PHIL IS GRADY'S SEVENTH WIFE'S GRANDFATHER'S SECOND WIFE'S ADOPTED FOSTER STEPSON ON HER FIRST HUSBAND'S GREAT AUNT'S SIDE...I TOLD HIM I'D ASK,THANK YOU SIR...RUN JERRY RUN!

  37. #137
    I don't know about Big Phil, Homeboy. I went to his joint in the back alley behind Javashikanita's Jheri Curls and Toe Nail Clipping on MLK Road and bought one of his famous barbecue chicken and bacon sandwiches once. I was hungry and took it home and it was only after three days of eating it (it weighed six pounds and in addition to the chicken and bacon, it had sauerkraut, red onions, Italian meatballs, spaghetti and homefries and duck wings on it in addition to a side salad) I realized that instead of the usual three pickles, I only had two. I called to complain and get them to comp me another sandwich and he said that I should have brought it back before I ate it. Haven't stopped by there since then. I basically wasted $2.50 on that meal.

    It'll take some fence mending for me and Big Phil to agree to get back together on a deal.

  38. #138
    SIR,I BET THAT GRADY PUT HIM UP TO IT..AFTER I'M APPOINTED TO MY POST IN YOUR [F.B.I.]I'M GONNA DO A LITTLE CHECKING ON BIG PHIL...[I tried to check on Grady, but my computer went blank when his name came up]!!

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