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Thread: Just babblin!!

  1. #101
    Cool beans! But don't tell them where I live because I stole a chicken foot from her about five years ago and went to the casino with it. And it worked that night, too because I almost broke even and although I lost my shirt, I got to keep my jacket. Since then, she's been looking out for me with that one good eye. I knew it was her right eye, so I pay a kid to tap her on the left shoulder every time we're in the same room with each other. She said that the chicken foot retails for $4.98 but I know that's a lie because I sold it on eBay for $2.25 when I left the casino. I probably should have given it back to her but I needed the $2.25 for bus fare to get there and once I sold it, there was nothing for me to give back. I offered to give her a duck foot after I ran over a Mallard a week or so later and she started swearing in Gypsyese or something. She already had it in for me, though because I cracked a joke on her at a picnic once and she didn't have a comeback. She uttered a curse that my first-born son would be lame and her grandson started walking with a limp soon after. I told her it was a coincidence and that I was sure her son was the kid's dad but he popped up on Lauren Lake's Paternity Court and pretty much proved that he wasn't. So thanks for the help, Partner! But please Please PLEASE don't let her know my whereabouts or she's gonna curse me with child support.

  2. #102
    VERY GOOD SIR,DON'T WORRY I GET AMNESIA FAST IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU WITH ALL THOSE OTHER LITTLE[JERRY'S]RUNNING LOOSE..JUST REMEMBER SIR IF ANYONE ASK,YOU WERE AT GRADY'S PASSING OUT BARF BAGS AS PART OF YOUR SERVICE TO YOUR VOTERS..[and sir we have pictures of you with those poor unfortunates too],IT WON'T MATTER THAT YOU WEREN'T ACTUALLY THERE CGI IS AMAZING...YOU'RE SHOO IN MR.PRESIDENT-TEN MORE YEARS,TEN MORE YEARS!!

  3. #103
    SIR,IN YOUR SERVICE...[and the fact that you're forty million votes behinds joe biden]WE WHO ARE BEHIND YOU CAME UP WITH A STRATEGY THAT WILL WIN YOU THE ELECTION..[and the biggest upset in history]NOW AS YOU KNOW SIR ALL THE CANDIDATES TALK ABOUT THE PROBLEMS THAT WE FACE EACH DAY,WELL SIR WHY NOT WHEN YOU'RE OUT ON THE CAMPAINE TRAIL PASS OUT...MARSHMELLOWS-THAT'S RIGHT SIR,BECAUSE FOLKS ARE TIRED OF BEING REMINDED OF HOW BAD THINGS ARE AND MARSHMELLOWS ARE MELLOW AND FOLKS WILL BE HAPPY...[and full of sugar]BUT BEFORE THEY PASS OUT THEY WILL VOTE FOR YOU SIR BECAUSE THEY WILL FEEL SO-MARSHMELLOWY..TEN MORE YEARS-TEN MORE YEARS!

  4. #104
    I have a better idea. I've spent the past day and a half learning to rap and I'm gonna appeal to the youth of America by rapping in the debates. I remember when Bill Clinton got a bump by playing a saxophone on Arsenio Hall. When I bust a diss track on Dumb Old Tramp in the debate, the crowd will go wild. I'm almost done writing my first line of my first song but I'm having a problem with some of the lyrics (what rhymes with "colluding criminal a** mofo from the swamp of the rich sons of guns with a cheap orange spray tan and pink eyes"?). I thought it would be easier. But nothing worth doing is ever really easy, is it? I'm going to give people at my rallies in the rural areas a country concert but it's difficult preparing because my city "y'all" doesn't sound like their country "y'all" and I don't want them rushing the stage. You never know when something like that can get out of hand. Anyway, I figured I can confuse them by coming out in a red shirt and telling them I'm Colin Powell and giving a great introduction. Then I can go back, switch into a blue shirt and say that I'm Clarence Thomas. After a few kind words, I'll change into a green shirt and pretend I'm Ben Carson (won't say anything when I come out because he's always sleepy, they'll understand). And then, I'll put on a star spangled shirt and come out and tell them I'm Jerry Oz, give it up for those other great black fellers and dang if I don't love Murica! They'll never know the difference. Then, I'll speak and tell them to vote for me before I lip synch to a couple of Darius Rucker tunes. That way, I'll appeal to the country voters.

    Seriously, I got this all figured out.

  5. #105
    Well...ok sir you know best,rap it is but i should warn you rumor has it that to get the few black votes in the farm belt trump had[b e t]installed in every farm house,in other words sir those farmers will know you're not-ben carson..we still have most of the marshmellows sir if you change your mind!!!

  6. #106
    SIR,I HOPE YOU THROW YOUR HAT INTO THE DEBATES BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALOT TO SAY,AND THIS COUNTRY NEEDS TO HEAR YOU ON THE PLATFORM SIR..-psssss sir over here...I spoke with Grady and he wants to cater one here in da hood now of course you won't arrive until after the others have eaten and by that time they will be shall we say in no condition to debate with anyone which leaves the floor wide open for you sir..SIR THE FLOOR IS YOURS...just watch where you step!!

  7. #107
    I ran into a little situation. Apparently, you need valid ID to register as a candidate and my expired Mud Valley Public Library card somehow doesn't count. I'm on the corner trying to get cars to stop and give me money so I can appeal the decision but these fools out here clearly don't care about the way democracy has been stolen from the peeps. I tried to clean one guy's windshield and explain to him why I needed $150 and he told me to get off of his bleeping car. Made me waste a squirt of watered down Windex and when I asked him to at least reimburse me, he ran over my foot. Now I know why healthcare is such a big deal. Anyhoo, the cops came and tried to run me off the corner and I had to ask them if they ever thought about the salvation of their everlasting souls and if they wanted to know about Carlton, the Zen Master from Temple Boombasticoo (and offer them a pamphlet and to sit down with them for four hours to explain why they could make a ton of loot by recruiting Carltoni prophets) before they decided they needed to be somewhere else. And it was close, too because Temple Boombasticoo obtained a restraining order against me since they ended their 40 day fast last year and found out I had eaten everything in the fridge and most of what was in the cupboards. They're a little touchy, if you ask me. Regardless, I have this situation and between it and all these dang baby mamas trying to get their hands in my pocket, I have to relocate for a few weeks before I kick start my campaign. Grady asked if I wanted to hang out at his joint but I found out when he talks about "sliders", he is referring tot he floors of his restaurant which are so greasy most people can't walk across them without falling. I slipped and fell and before I could threaten to sue him, he sued me for bleeding on a restaurant floor (which he said was unappetizing and cost him customers) and seeing as I bled like a pig, I think he would have won if it went to court. Regardless, I'll chill somewhere until I can get my library card renewed and by then, I should be able to get into the next debate.

  8. #108
    THAT'S VERY UNFORTUNATE SIR,YOU WERE THE BEST CANDIDATE SINCE NIXON,I'M BEHIND YOU SIR...[but until you get your stuff together i'm way behind]I THINK THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION IS BEHIND THIS PLOT TO KEEP YOU FROM RUNNING..GRADY SHOULD BE ASHAMED FOR NOT PATCHING YOU UP WHEN YOU FELL SIR..[he could've just put a hamburger pattie on your wound and all the bleeding would've stopped,you don't wanna know what's in those patties let's just say they'll soak up anything]SIR I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD SELL YOUR STORY TO THE MEDIA AND WHEN THE MOVIE COMES OUT YOU'LL MAKE ENOUGH TO RUN AGAIN..I'LL BE GLAD TO FILM IT SIR...[for oh say 85% of the profits-overhead you understand sir]I WILL CHECK WITH MY PEEPS IN THE INDUSTRY FOR THE FILM RIGHTS,AND I HAVE THE ACTOR TO PORTRAY YOU..LUCKLESS LUMAS LUCKABEE-WHY THIS GUY WAS ONCE SO TOASTED-OPPS-ERR-AHEM HEHE..THE TOAST OF FILM IN DA HOOD AND HE WAS PUT OUT-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..HE PUT OUT GOOD FILMS ON POLITICS..WELL SIR JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU GET BACK IN THE RACE AND GOOD LUCK...[you'll need it]DARN IT ANOTHER GOOD CANDIDATE SHOT DOWN IN HIS PRIME, A SAD DAY IN POLITICS!!!!

  9. #109
    Might be sooner than I thought. Looks like I have to pay $23 for an overdue book (Politics For Dummies and Other Idiots). I just need to scrounge up the loot and I'll be able to reinstate my library card. I thought I had it but the printer broke. Another $38 to get it fixed and that caveman's toenail that I posted on eBay last week is only up to a nickel, which won't even cover postage. Stupid museum "carbon dated" it and found out it was from two weeks ago. As if "carbon dating" ever works. They also said that they doubted whether cavemen used clippers to cut their nails. Not a problem though because I'll be miming downtown and I can probably cover a 30th of my debt by next week. People pay a lot to get mimes to stop. Anyway, I'm okay with Grady and his hamburgers. I cracked my head on the floor when I fell and instead of waving smelling salts under my nose, he used a burger and it not only snapped me right back into consciousness, it kept me awake for almost a month. My eyes watered so much I busted a tear duct. But I just found a lottery ticket and even though the date is for last week, I'm pretty sure I can change it. If those numbers hit tonight I'm turning it in and I'll be right back in the saddle. All my problems will go away just like that. I'll buy five library cards. Maybe even some fresh meat for Grady's greasy spoon. And better yet, I can pay the bribe *I mean processing fee that will make sure the DNA for those nine girls' babies all come back negative. Then I'll steer the moms to welfare before I get rid of it after I'm elected. Keep your fingers crossed!

  10. #110
    Well,since jerry is out i gotta find a candidate...[there's money to be made]now let's see...i could get grady but he'd poison the whole country..i could get madame teapot but she'd put her tea in every pot and get impeached..i could get moe,but she'd never stop posing for pics and nothing would get done..oh well i guess it's duufuss-hey duufuss get over here you're gonna run for president..where are you going i don't mean to actually run,now you have to have a platform,duufuss take off those platform shoes it's not that kind of platform,now you are gonna have to debate..put those store tickets away i said debate not rebate..[oh boy]maybe i'll use lilbits but she'd eat this country into a depression..ok back to duufuss,now how do you feel about the women's movement..come away from that club not that kind of movement,will you pay attention? Now you are not gonna raise taxes ok,what are you doing in that yellow cab i said taxes not taxi,now you will get to ride on a big airplane if you win..no you can't fly the plane,what do you mean you quit we haven't started yet....oh boy i'm outta the political arena!!!

  11. #111
    OH SIR YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A COMEBACK,JUST LIKE TRICKY DICK NIXON..JUST ONE LITTLE THING SIR,THOSE DNA TEST ALL CAME BACK POSITIVE SO MAYBE AFTER YOU'RE ELECTED TAXES ARE GONNA HAVE TO BE RAISED TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT AND PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GIVE A SPEECH DOWN AT THE WELFARE CLINIC..[sir you'll need all those welfare mothers behind you]OH AND SIR IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO ACTUALLY BRING ALL THOSE KIDS OF YOURS ALONG SO THAT THE ME TOO MOVEMENT WON'T GO THROUGH WITH THAT LAWSUIT,I THINK YOU'RE GONNA WIN THIS THING SIR BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS IS A SPRINT NOT A MARATHON..OH AND SIR YOU MIGHT WANT TO SPEAK AT SOME PUBLIC LIBRARIES ALONG THE WAY...[and return some of those books-those folks never forget an overdue book]WELL SIR WELCOME BACK AND AS ALWAYS..[for a small fee]I'M YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT-TEN MORE YEARS-TEN MORE YEARS!!

  12. #112
    AND SIR,IF I MAY ADD THAT YOU'RE GONNA NEED A CAMPAINE SLOGAN SO I GOT MY BEST SLOGAN WRITERS WORKING ON IT...IF YOU WANT TO BE MERRY VOTE FOR JERRY..THIS COUNTRY IS CONSTIPATED BUT I GOT THE MAALOX TO LOOSEN IT UP..THIS ECONOMY NEEDS A KICK IN THE BUTT AND I GOT BIG FEET..WHO NEEDS WALL STREET WE GOT DA HOOD..I'M GONNA STIR THINGS UP WITH A BIG STRAW,THOSE ARE JUST A FEW THAT THEY HAVE COME UP WITH IN YOUR HONOR SIR...[at only 97% on the dollar]WHAT A COUNTRY CLUB!!

  13. #113
    I like all of them. I had settled on "Dig deep and pay your taxes. It's all good, cuz Jerry's got your backses". Believe it or not, I wrote it myself. And I've been advised that they're going to send my library card in the mail because I'm not permitted on library premises. But it's a set up, honest. Six pregnant librarians (at the same location) and all of a sudden, I'm the problem? I guess they never heard of the pill. They just don't like me because I'm black. I didn't urge them to fight over me at work. That video on YouTube where I pass out boxing gloves is kind of fake. But I'm gonna call Gail King because she will have my back. And she's on the pill. This will be taken care of lickety split. And speaking of that, videos on the XXX sites of me licketing splits can't be confirmed so they better stop treating me like Gary Hart. Good thing in always two steps ahead when I fall four steps back or all of these haters might make me seem like I have issues.
    Last edited by Jerry Oz; 06-29-2019 at 10:20 PM.

  14. #114
    More brilliance sir,i was gonna recommend a spin doctor,but you're spinning out of control very nicely on your own sir!

  15. #115
    Anyone remember the wonderful tv and movie website, Fametracker?
    It's defunct.

  16. #116
    Quote Originally Posted by arr&bee View Post
    More brilliance sir,i was gonna recommend a spin doctor,but you're spinning out of control very nicely on your own sir!
    When I got to the point that things were spinning constantly, my family intervened and made me see a doctor. He tried to do a blood test but when he put the needle in my arm, he drew 151 Bacardi rum and managed to get drunk after some fell on the back of his hand. I spent two months there getting clean and managed to go most of the last week without more than a drink or two. I felt so good when I walked out of the rehab, I had a friend drive me to a bar so I could celebrate. Of course, the bar that he drove to suggested that I owed $285.30 on a tab that I started just before I went to the center and would only take money. Fortunately, somebody was drunker than me and the caveman's toenail is up to .85 on eBay, so if I can get the check for that, I'm gonna add a couple zeroes on the other side of the decimal point and cash it out for $.8500, which if I'm lucky will be enough to settle the tab. (I'm pretty good at math normally, but not when I'm dunrk) If not, then I'm going to press charges against the toenail collector guy so that they don't think I'm a shyster. Then, I'll tell him that I'll drop charges if he'll settle for an amount that pays my tab and also gets my Pinto out of the tow yard. It got yanked there when I asked my friend Booby to take off the ignition interlock that only lets me start it when I can breathe into it and confirm that I'm not high. I'll probably put the interlock on eBay. Regardless, I'm on my way to the casino to raise funds for my campaign. I'm playing red all night on the wheel. The last two times I did that, I only lost $800 each so it's very clearly my lucky color. Peace out.

  17. #117
    HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE YOU WERE JUST..SHRINKING AWAY? I WOKE UP THE OTHER DAY AND POOF EVERYTHING WAS DARK AND I FELT LIKE I HAVE FADED AWAY..UNTIL I TURNED ON THE LIGHT AND REALIZED THAT I WAS STILL HERE BUT EVERYTHING LOOKED BIG TO ME UNTIL I REALIZED THAT I HAD PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR...[DARNED HOOCH]HAVE YOU EVER PASSED OUT AND WOKE UP UNDER A CHAIR THEY LOOK MIGHTY BIG...BUT I THINK I'M STILL SHRINKING..AAaaaaaaHHhhhhhhGGggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

  18. #118
    Nah. But I felt pretty swole up after my sister's Memorial Day cookout. Couldn't fit in the car to drive home so I rented a couple of those scooters you see everywhere and put one under each foot. I weighed them down a little (sparks all the way home) and the tires lost all of their tread but I made it safely home six hours later. My sister lives 10 miles away and I got hungry on the way home so I stopped to grab a six pack and a bag of Ruffles. It was a good day but now the scooter company is charging me maintenance to repair their broke down scooters. I saw they had an oil leak and filled up the reservoirs with some of Grady's old fish grease (which might have been a mistake). The scooters were maxing out at 15 mph but the speedometers exploded after they reached 175 mph. When I filed a patent to use his old fish grease as an alternative fuel, the government sent a team of men wearing hazmat suits to remove it and now Grady is ticked off. Whatta day!

  19. #119
    Don't pay grady any mind,he's pissed because he was gonna reuse that fish grease as rat poison and peddle it off to the pest control plant down in the bowels of da hood!

  20. #120
    Quote Originally Posted by arr&bee View Post
    Don't pay grady any mind,he's pissed because he was gonna reuse that fish grease as rat poison and peddle it off to the pest control plant down in the bowels of da hood!
    He's alright. He managed to package a gallon or so of it into 8 ounce jars and peddle it as "Dumb Old Tramp's Authentic Pomade & Hair Gel". Turns out it's an instant conk and hair bleaching cream (who knew) and makes anybody look like Tramp (complete with orange skin). Of course, it also causes brain damage and birth defects but since it's a supplement and not technically a drug, the FDA doesn't have jurisdiction over it. He sold it at one of your president's rallies and made enough loot to pay for the stomach surgery of half the people who ate at his joint last month.

  21. #121
    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...JERRY THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO BE OUR NEXT PRESIDENT...[no one else could be so demented that he actually understands grady's demented moves and can actually explain em]AND HAVE THEM ACTUALLY ALMOST MAKE SENSE..THIS COUNTRY NEEDS YOUR LEADERSHIP...[i'm mailing a check for 35cents to your headquarters today]RUN JERRY RUN!!!

  22. #122
    Wow. Speaking of fish grease, have you had one of Grady's Bluegill sliders yet? I had some yesterday and they were pretty tasty. I also thought I was having some of his crawdad appetizers but when I reached to pick one up, they started walking off my plate. When I complained, Grady tried to charge me extra, saying that they were lobsters and not crawdads. I had to drop my threat of a lawsuit when he was going to hit me up with the extra $1.15. Say what you will, the man knows his seafood. Speaking of which, Lil Bits was there for the see food special. That's where she'll eat food if she see food and once she slipped into her food coma, Grady had to bring the forklift in to move her out to the street. That forklift was making straining sounds that reminded me of the scooters from Memorial Day (I felt sooo bad for it, I wanted to give it a hug). I asked Grady what the secret was to his bluegill sliders and he didn't want to tell me although he did confess that instead of mayonnaise, he uses congealed fish grease for his tartar sauce. I tried it at home and the grease ruined my spoon and my bowl. So for now, if you want the best bluegill sandwich on the continent, you gotta stop by the hood to get it.

  23. #123
    pssssssssssss..over here jerry,i don't wanna type too loud because if others read what i'm about to reveal to you this post might get pulled by the health department...go over to the-[all forums]and look under sub forums and you'll see where grady gets his..seafood,but i warn you it's not for the weak of heart or stomach]!!

  24. #124
    And judging from the reaction I had the last time, it's not for the weak of sphincter either. Tried to chase it down with some Pepto-Bismol but when it realized what I planned, it wouldn't pour out of the bottle. I thought I discovered some sort of undiscovered natural phenomenon and called the university science division. They were excited to learn that there was something that could alter the laws of gravity but when I told them where it happened, they said they already knew about that happening at Grady's, don't call here ever again and hung up. Apparently, one of the greatest natural disasters in history occurred when one of their teams decided to celebrate a great discovery at Grady's and was never quite the same again. Apparently they went on Thursday at happy hour, AKA Greasy Grady's Bluegill and Hooch Happy Hour. And that was a yuge mistake... Those scientists are now my main competition when I stand on the corner and squeegee windshields.

  25. #125
    YEP,HE HAS THAT EFFECT ON MOST...[legend has it that nobody in grady's family has actually died,they just eat one last meal and go into a deep coma and are kept in a secret family crypt somewhere deep in the bowels of da hood,where nobody and i mean nobody goes]!!

  26. #126
    Whoops. Don't mention Greasy Grady and bowels. He has a habit of upsetting those and if your's aren't ready to pop up through your throat or out of your butt, he takes it as a sign that he didn't fix you the meal you deserve. I saw a guy who didn't get sick once until he saw Grady grab a butcher knife and attempt ritual suicide (Grady saw it once in an old Japanese samarai flick and always thought it was neat). The guy insisted on eating one of Grady's Super Spicy Buffalo Moose Elk and Reindeer Chicken wings, which nobody's ever been able to survive. He didn't survive either and Grady was happy to learn that he had not lost his touch. He offered to cater the funeral for 6% off his regular catering fees but the family rudely filed a restraining order against him.

  27. #127
    pssssssssssssss,jerry,over here...quiet as it's kept the funeral homes love grady..he's responsible for 99.9% of their business,but nobody can really prove anything..nobody living that is,legend has it that the funeral directors eat there because the formaldahyde they inhale is actually the only thing that protects their systems from the side effects of grady's menu!

  28. #128
    Go there,don't go there spend this on that no don't do it cost too much,run over there no walk it takes too much energy to run i wanna climb up that ant hill but i'm afraid of heights besides all the lights are off...i think that all the ants are asleep..oh hi gang-just babblin!!

  29. #129
    SIR,OUR PLAN IS WORKING,ONE CANDIDATE HAS DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE..[grady has struck again]AND MORE TO COME...YOU'LL BE PRESIDENT BY XMAS..[after all those stomachs are pumped and all the confusion,you can just slip right on in]BESIDES YOU'LL BE THE ONLY ONE HEALTHY ENOUGH TO HOLD OFFICE,LET ME OFFER MY CONGRATS NOW SIR-TEN MORE YEARS-TEN MORE YEARS!!

  30. #130
    Great news! I'm looking forward to grabbing this country. I mean, grabbing the reins of leadership. Grady's going to factor largely in my defense department. I'm going to use his chili as a biological agent. I'll feed a handful of al Kaders his chili and send them back to their hideouts and it'll be like that Raid bomb. Five hours after eating his beans and they'll create their own poison gas that'll have 'em rushing outside for fresh air and that's when we'll nab the bass turds. They'll practically beg us for Beano and we won't give it to them unless they tell us what we want to know. It's foolproof, I tell you! As long as Greasy Grady keeps his grease greasy, he's gonna be the inventor of the greatest game changing weapon of all time and I'm gonna be the nob who had the guts to use it. I love myself sometimes.

  31. #131
    WONDERFUL SIR,MORE GENIUS ON YOUR PART,YOU ARE THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS THAT THE STUFF IN GRADY'S KITCHEN IS FAR MORE POTENT THAN ANYTHING THE C.I.A. OR THE MILITARY HAS,WHY JUST THE FUMES COULD WIPE OUT THE ENTIRE[ISIS]GANG IN A COUPLE HOURS..SIR AFTER YOU'RE ELECTED[just a mere formality]YOU MAY WANT TO AWARD THE CONGRESSIONAL METAL OF HONOR TO HIM,THIS COUNTRY IS IN GOOD HANDS WITH YOU AT THE HELM SIR-TEN MORE YEARS-TEN MORE YEARS!!

  32. #132
    We will see. Grady might be a liability though. I asked him if he was registered and he said that his liver and noodles casserole was registered as a legal weapon in nine states. I told him I wanted to know if he voted and he said he bolted every time the board of health visited his joint. I think we might have a comprehension problem. I tried to change the subject and asked him what his favorite movie was and he said it was Alien. I wondered why and Grady said that when that thing popped out of the guy's chest, it reminded him if the first time he ate his wife's Teriyaki pigs feet which she's no longer permitted by law to make. He changed the recipe to sweet and sour chittlins (a favorite at non-kosher pot lucks down south) and so far nobody has been able to trace it back to him. Grady's Chinese menu is not for the faint of gut.

  33. #133
    SO SIR,HAVE YOU GIVEN ANY THOUGHT AS TO WHO WILL BE YOUR RUNNING MATE? YOUR VICE PRESIDENT..[or the sucker who'll take the fall if things go bad,hehe]I'M SURE THAT THERE MUST BE SEVERAL CANIVING-OPPS-ER-AHEM-HEHE..CANDIDATES JUST WAITING FOR THAT LUCKY CALL,IF I MAY SUGGEST THAT MAYBE A FEMALE CANDIDATE SHOULD BE CONSIDERED...[that way if she takes the fall,after she gets through hollering harassment and all those women's movement folks marching on the capital,you'll be far far away]I HAVE SOMEONE IN MIND SIR,FROM RIGHT HERE IN DA HOOD-BETHSHERMA BIGGMOUTH-THIS LADY HAS THE GIFT OF GAB..SHE ONCE HAD TO APPEAR BEFORE A TOUGH JUDGE IN A CHILD CUSTODY CASE...[she was tryin to dump the kid on one of her baby daddys]WELL AFTER SHE TESTIFIED FOR TWELVE HOURS THE JUDGE WAS SO MIXED UP THAT HE ADOPTED THE CHILD HIMSELF AND RETIRED FROM THE BENCH AND AWARDED HER 100.00 DOLLARS,SHE MAY BE THE ONE TO RUN WITH YOU SIR...[legend has it that she was born with two vocal chords]I'LL HAVE SOMEONE CALL HER IF I CAN FIND ANYONE WITH THAT MUCH TIME..TEN MORE YEARS-TEN MORE YEARS!

  34. #134
    Ooh, hold off on calling Bethsherma Biggmouth. I once walked her from the bar to the bus stop (two blocks away) and when my ear stopped bleeding, it swolled up like a cauliflower. I went to the ear doctor and when he cut my ear to get a sample of the scar tissue some of her jabbering escaped and drove the poor guy nuts. He charged his own mental health care to my insurance and now I'm being sued for double dipping. I was told it was an easy claim to defend but I have to contact Huey Dewey (of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe) and pay a retainer of $85 before he'll take the case. I don't have $85 right now. I just hit at the casino but it was only for $45,000 and the Cadillac Escalade I'm buying costs $44,950. Don't see where I'm going to be able to pay the lawyer unless I can get some of these dumb girls to avoid calling Child Support if I'm a few months late on anteing up for the rest of this year (and half of next). If they just slow their roll, I can take the money I owe for my kids and try to hit again at the casino now that I'm on a roll. I'll have my buddy Dudizza Biggoon take video of me playing the wheel so they can see me having fun and then I'll post it to my Facebook page so they can see that it's not like I wasted the money. I wouldn't do that (I take care of my kids). I mean I bought a 24 pack of diapers just two weeks ago and gave each of my kids two. That has to count for something but no... Jerry gotta be the bad guy just because he doesn't stop by to see his kids or pay their bills. It's not like I work. Geez. Might need to have the Secret Service pay them a few visits before I take office. No wonder I never made it in life.

  35. #135
    OK SIR,I CAN SEE WHERE HAVING BETHSHERMA WOULD BE SOMEWHAT OF A PROBLEM,WELL THAT LEAVES[LILBITS I.M.STILLHUNGRY]NOW SHE DOESN'T TALK MUCH SIR..[in fact I've never heard her utter a word]BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT HER MOUTH ISN'T MOVING,SHE'S ALWAYS CHEWING..[sir you would have to add oh say twenty acres of farm land to the rear of the presidential residence]YOU SEE SIR NO GROCERY CHAIN IN THE COUNTRY WILL ADMIT HER SINCE TWO WENT UNDER SOME YEARS AGO WHEN LILBITS BOUGHT ALL THE MEAT AND POULTRY AND PAID WITH AN EXPIRED CHARGE CARD..[she's not allowed to carry cash because of her special dietary concerns she would actually have to carry ten thousand dollars cash per week to fed herself,and two banks went under trying to help her when she put her father's farm up as collateral but neglected to tell the banks that she ate all the crops and livestock which drove her father to drink and leave the country in disgrace and malnurished,when they came to claim the land all they found were dirt fields and a half eaten tumble weed.]YOU WOULD HAVE TO PASS A SPECIAL AMENDMENT JUST TO FEED HER,BUT SHE'LL NEVER BETRAY YOU FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN SHE'LL NEVER NOTICE YOU..WELL SIR JUST AN IDEA FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION AS I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND THE BEST CANDIDATE FOR YOUR TICKET,THE COUNTRY[and most of da hood]IS BEHIND YOU-RUN JERRY,RUN!!!

  36. #136
    Lilbits might be a (un)healthy scratch as a veep. Apparently she and Duufuss both eyeballed a package of Professor Porkly's BBQ Pork Rinds blowing on the breeze at the beach and when they both reached it at the same time, poor Big Sally The Guns was caught in between them. The mob had a special meeting and they changed his moniker to "Squished Sally With The Back Problems". Next time he goes to the beach, he's going to need someone with a spatula to flip him over when he wants to tan on the other side. It didn't help that there was only two pork rinds in the bag resulting in Duufuss and Lilbits having a battle that made Ali vs Frazier seem like two one-legged men in an a** kicking competition. It was quite a sight to see. When a reporter asked her if the fight was necessary, Lilbits refused to answer until he bought her a party sized bag of Professor Porkly's and a 12 liter of 8 Ball. And then when she finished them off, she determined she was hungry and refused to give the interview on a 5% empty stomach. Since then, the press has had her on embargo. So maybe I'll use her as my press secretary instead. They'll leave me alone.

  37. #137
    YOU KNOW BEST SIR,MOST OF DA HOOD IS BEHIND YOU EXCEPT FOR[LUCKY LANKEY'S CLIP JOINT-ERR-OPPS-AHEM-HEHE...GENTLEMAN'S EMPORIUM]HE CLAIMS THAT YOU MADE SEVERAL STOPS AT HIS BUSINESS FOR THE -UM WELL LET'S SAY THE FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP,AND HE CLAIMS THAT AFTER SEVERAL VERY PLEASANT EVENINGS WITH HIS FEMALE EMPLOYEES HE WASN'T PAID AND THE BUSINESS CARD YOU GAVE HIM IS NOT VALID IN THIS COUNTRY...[sir he claims that the republic of Boozinasia a small island in the south pacific is charging him for long distance calls]AND THE U.S.GOVERNMENT IS NOW LOOKING AT HIS BOOKS..[according to CNN-the government of Boozinasia is threatening to declare war on the U.S.]AND ONE HUNDRED WAR CANOES ARE STANDING BY WITH POISON SPEARS AIMED AT DA HOOD..MAYBE THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO MAKE A STATEMENT TO DIFFUSE THIS SITUATION,MAYBE A SIT DOWN WITH LUCKY LANKEY OR THE HEAD WITCH DOCTOR OF BOOZINASIA!

  38. #138
    Lucky is just mad because I reversed the charges after my "date" showed up with a bit of peach fuzz under her left armpit. I told him I wanted a small (85%) discount and he put me on hold for a week. And that put me over for my cell minutes for the month and since I forgot to pay my bill the phone company tracked me down and took my bootleg iFone 6. Now I have to make up a new name to get a new device. By the way, I hope those pictures on the iFone don't find their way to the inter web. They are potentially campaign impacting if we can't move past this me too movement. And the chief of Boozinasia is just mad because 80% of their tourist money was based on sales of T-shirts with their slogan "Me and my Boo make boozy boo boos in Boozinasia, Booboo" and when I saw that they had not copyrighted the phrase, I swooped in and did it myself so now I take 50% off the top and they're in a recession. But don't blame me, blame international copyright laws, am I right?

  39. #139
    SIR,YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT,AND I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU...[but until this is cleared up I'll stand a little further back]UMM,SIR YOU MAY WANT TO KNOW THAT A DELEGATION OF LITTLE MEN, DRESSED IN GRASS SKIRTS WITH BONES STICKING OUT OF THEIR NOSES AND VERY SERIOUS EXPESSIONS ARE STANDING OUTSIDE YOUR HEADQUARTERS...[sir all of them have spears and little wooden dolls full of pins]JUST A SUGGESTION SIR BUT IT MIGHT BE WISE FOR YOU TO STAY CLEAR OF THIS PLACE UNTIL YOU SPEAK TO THE CHIEF OF-BOOZINASIA,NOW I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN ANYTHING AS SILLY AS CURSES...[I didn't either sir...until one of the witch doctors tuned the pitbull you have out in front into a mouse]YOU MAY WANNA INCREASE SECURITY SIR!!!
    Last edited by arr&bee; 07-13-2019 at 07:54 PM.

  40. #140
    Thanks for the warning <whew!! That was close> I dropped a box of Professor Porkly's Buffalo Flavored Pork Rinds out the window and they took the bait. Those things are so hot, they've been taken off the market in every city outside of Oakland. I was hoping that it wouldn't take long to work and sure enough, within two minutes their eyes started watering and they all rushed to use the bathroom. Of course, the nearest bathroom is in the back of my headquarters and the only way to get in is to borrow the key that's chained to the cinder block from Chunky who works behind the counter. And Chunky won't lend the key unless you buy at least five gallons of gas. I used the opportunity to run down and get the witch doctor and the chief to sign a cease and desist order (in addition to giving me another 20% of profits from the t-shirts) and Chunky was kind enough to give them the key. Of course, the cinder block was so heavy the first one didn't make it to the back and the station owner's upset with me. But I stole a shop vac from one of my neighbors and told him he could keep it after he cleaned the poo and now he's happy. I don't think it's a problem because my neighbor used to complain about how much that shop vac sucked anyway and if it was so bad, he probably should have thrown it away. Boozinasia won't be a problem anymore because those pork rinds are highly addictive and if they threaten to come back, I'm gonna cut off their supply and they'll all go through withdrawal. I'm in like Flynn. (I wouldn't really cut the supply, by the way because I sell 50 cent bags to them for $1.25 (plus shipping) and I'd be stupid to cut that off.) Let me know if you want a t-shirt.

  41. #141
    OH,THAT EXPLAINS WHY THEY'RE EYES WERE BLOODSHOT AND WATERING,AND WHY THEY COULDN'T STAND STILL WHILE MUMBLING[where's the key-where's the key]I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS JUST A NATIVE CHANT BUT AFTER YOUR BRILLIANT EXPLANATION..[and escape]IT ALL MAKES SENSE..ONCE AGAIN SIR YOU'VE PROVEN THAT YOU'RE THE ONLY CANDIDATE TOUGH ENOUGH..[and slippery enough]TO SURVIVE THE SLING AND ARROWS...[and spears]OF THE POLITICAL JUNGLE TO LEAD THIS NATION,YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL SIR..RUN JERRY RUN!!!

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