Speaking of science, I just found somebody wiling to pee in a cup during my DNA tests to prove that I am not those babies' daddy. Ha! Sometimes, you just have to sleep on it.
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Speaking of science, I just found somebody wiling to pee in a cup during my DNA tests to prove that I am not those babies' daddy. Ha! Sometimes, you just have to sleep on it.
Or call in Salvatore "Big Sally With the Guns" Gottakillia. Then they can sleep on it - with the fishes.
Big Sally called and told me that he wants a DNA test for his niece, Sylvia "Little Silly With the Nunchukus" Gonnabombia who somehow got drunk in my basement and subsequently impregnated. Did you know that Little Silly was a virgin before she came over and watched the fight with me nine months ago? Me neither. When Big Sally asked if I did it, I had to feign laryngitis because he's kind of my human lie detector. I did write "I didn't touch her" on a Post-It note and he seemed satisfied until he flipped it over and saw where I wrote "much" on the back in 8 point type. Now he's asking me about different grades of concrete that he's going to use for my new shoes if I fail the DNA test. He knows I used to work in building construction and since I can't lie to him, I strongly recommended Portland concrete since it hardens in contact with water. That may have been a mistake.
Anyway, Big Sally asked to borrow $40 from me to buy the concrete and I probably shouldn't have done it but I floated him the loot. May have been a mistake since the only twenties I had were counterfeit and now the local news is flashing his photo saying that some idiot passed money that was printed on an ink jet printer at the local Home Depot. He's probably gonna be upset over that but hopefully he'll let me go when we talk about it. I plan on telling him that's why I normally go to Lowe's. Changing the subject can't hurt. Anyway, pray for me because Little Silly gave birth this afternoon and apparently the kid has the same triple jointed right shoulder and extra toe on his left foot that I have. Oh, and the same butterfly-shaped strawberry tattoo just under his left armpit. I told Big Sally that there are plenty of guys with those deformities and he said he was going to have to Google it. I probably didn't help when he asked how to spell "Google" and I told him G-U-G-L-E. It wasn't a lie because I didn't know the correct spelling but I can't imagine it's going to make things better. Especially since he borrowed my stolen laptop and it was on him when he got busted for the counterfeit thing.
They're only lies if you get caught. Besides your presidency will carry on the tradition of other great presidents who couldn't keep it in their pants. The public will be forgiving. Big Sally, probably not so much. Good luck with that.
Crap. He just called asked me to bail him out. Let me go fire up the ol' ink jet.
Hey, could you scan both sides of a twenty dollar bill and email it to me? His bail is two grand, so I'll need 100 copies of it. Thanks.
No problem, I'll make 100 scans [[both sides) and e-mail them to you. I'll even scan in color [[people seem to catch on to those black and white bills quicker). Maybe this'll get you back in Big Sally's good graces, couldn't hurt. Oh yea we're talking about Sally here, so I guess it could hurt so bad. Well, you've got yourself out of worst situations. The country needs you, you will indeed be the President of the Peephole, I mean People.
Not to worry sir,duufuss knows big sally,as they were once cell mates,not in prison but elementary school as duufuss was too big to fit in the chairs and sally was too dumb to understand anything they would just hang out and mumble to each other anyhow one day sally ate a donut from grady's and turned green,and as duufuss couldn't figure out why his friend was green he just picked sally up tuned him upside down and all the food came up and sally's color returned,to this day sally has not forgotten his friend..i'll dial big sally and hand duufuss the phone..you can breath now sir!!
That's a relief! I just put $20 on Big Sally's commissary account and apparently they have a way to detect bogus bills at the county jail. Looks like they're telling him he owes them for the grilled brie cheese on Italian bread sandwiches that he ordered before they caught the fake loot. I called Big Sally and told him I'd do anything to get back in his good graces and he asked why I thought his graces were good. Well, anyway... Looks like I got some help coming from Duufuss, which is greatly appreciated.
Especially since that incident with his daughter having to quit college after she turned up pregnant. He has no idea who the dad is and he wants me to come over to help figure out how to track the rat down. I would do it but every time I try to set something up, he tells me his daughter is going to be present at the meeting and that's...
...problematic.
SIR,DUUFUSS WILL HELP YOU BUT THERE IS ONE TEENY TINY LITTLE THING HE WANTS...TO BE VICE PRESIDENT..[sir when he sits his tiny mind to something he won't let go]I'VE TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT TO HIM BUT HE WON'T BUDGE,HE SAYS THAT IF YOU DON'T LET HIM BE VICE PRESIDENT HE'S GONNA WRITE A TELL ALL BOOK ABOUT YOUR ADMINISTRATION...[there may be certain things that you don't want in print sir]I'M TRYING TO GET HIM TO TAKE AN AMBASSADORSHIP TO AFRICA..[you can ship him to some small country and by the time he figures it out your term will be up]BUT HE'S PUTTING UP POSTERS THAT READ..VIZE PREESEDINT OFF DA UNIGHTID STAKES OFF AMURICKA..[now this may seem harmless but if any of the local papers get a hold of this,after a couple drinks duufuss tends to talk and he loves to drink]NOW SIR ALL THE PAPERS IN DA HOOD I CAN CONTROL,BUT IF HE GOES TWO BLOCKS OVER I HAVE NO CLOUT OVER THERE...[maybe sir you could pass an emergency bill annulling the freedom of the press]JUST IN CASE SIR,YOU'RE CLOSE TO BEING ELECTED!!
Thanks for the heads up. My step-son Darterrius just Photoshopped a picture of Duufuss with a MAGA hat on and emailed it "by mistake" to some guys who were kicked out of the Fruit of Islam for being too intolerant for the Nation. They're going to eat a few bean pies and head over to discuss Duufuss' political leanings with him. Hate having to do it to him but I can't find out that I'm his daughter's baby daddy *I mean I can't use him as a vice-president because he'd swear during the debate and it might cost me the Southern Baptist votes. The only swearing politician they appreciate is Donald Trump and they're not going to trade a vile orange for a obscene avocado. I think Duufuss will be okay but he might have to convert and change his last name to X or Y or some other letter. The Nation will never let one of their members become vice-president, so all's well.
Umm,sir,you may wanna rethink sending those brothers..duufuss is light in the head but his physical strength is another thing,there was once a race involving a two ton pickup truck well duufuss thought that meant actually picking the truck up..he carried it over forty miles before they explained it to him,and besides he would think that the[nation of islam]is where genies come from..[he believes in those kinds of things]so just send some chicks dressed in[i dream of genie]costumes and he'll be putty in your hands,but he loves bean pies!!
Crap. I called to get those brothers to call off the intervention and now I'm committed to standing in traffic to sell The Final Call for the next two years. I don't even have a bow tie. And if Duufuss sees me out there, he's gonna think I have a job and can pay child support if he figures out that one [[me) plus one [[his now sober daughter) equals three [[she's pregnant with triplets). And if I'm photographed selling newspapers in a bow tie and a Kufi hat, I'm gonna get birthered by Trump and Joe Biden.
What a revolting development this is...
SIR STANDING IN ALL THAT TRAFFIC COULD WORK IN YOUR FAVOR,FOR ONE DUUFUSS WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND YOU,AND YOU CAN MAKE A SPEECH AND EXALT YOURSELF EVEN MORE SIR,BEING A MAN OF THE PEOPLE YOU CAN STAND ON A SOAPBOX..[my cousin ruufuss sells em for two bucks but I can get you a discount]THOSE BEANPIES WILL BRING IN THE BLACK VOTE AND TRUMP WILL BE HISTORY..[I'm afraid you're on your own with Biden sir]I CAN GET YOU A BOW TIE FROM MR.DEADMAN'S FURNERAL HOME SIR..[he'll just borrow one from one of the corpses in the basement,they love you sir and there're all just dying to vote for you]OH SIR THERE ARE SOME TOUGH LOOKING DUDES OUT IN FRONT OF YOUR CAMPAINE OFFICE FROM THE FRUIT OF ISLAM...AND DUUFUSS IS WITH EM,OH OH!!!
I'm glad you gave me a warning. Needing to think fast, I borrowed .50 and bought a bag of Professor Porkly's BBQ Pork Rinds out of the vending machine and then put it on a fishing line and cast it out to Duufuss [[he loves pork rinds). When he bent over to pick them up, I pulled the line in and he lurched forward and bumped his head into one of the FOI's knee. Then I made him knock over a couple other ones. When they found out he was chasing after a bag of pork skins they hit him in the face with a couple of bean pies, which would have made him angry if bean pies and pork rinds wasn't Duufuss' favorite holiday meal. Don't ask which holiday; if he's got pork rinds and bean pies, every day is a holiday for him. The whole assembly fell apart when Duufuss demanded more bean pies than they had. He went level 1000 nuts on them because the hungrier he gets, the stronger and more out of control he gets. So he ate what they had, beat them all up and demanded they bring back a few dozen more so he could eat them with...
And that's when he realized the pork rinds were gone. I pulled them around the corner during the dust up and that just made him madder, especially when the brothers told him that he shouldn't dirty his body by eating pork. Of course, Duufuss is diligent and makes sure he showers at least once a month, so calling his body dirty just set him more on edge. He tackled six of the FOI and sent the other six for bean pies. I called the Hall, though and arranged to get them out of the fix for a small but very substantial campaign donation which they agreed to pay. After it was deposited into my bank account *I mean my campaign's bank account, I lured Duufuss around the corner with the rest of the bag of Professor Porkly's BBQ Pork Rinds. He followed me into a round room and when he asked where the pork rinds were, I told him they were in the corner. And he's been there since last night looking for them. If I'm lucky, he'll forget all about the DNA test or wanting to be my veep.
I might need to crunch the numbers, but I'm probably the smartest person I know right now.
GOOD ONE SIR,YOU ARE THE SMARTEST PERSON THIS COUNTRY HAS AT THE MOMENT...[sir we may want to stuff that ballot box before Joe Biden ask for a recount]SIR ON YOUR BEHALF I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY TO HIRE THE BEST ACCOUNTANTS IN DA HOOD TO WORK FOR YOU..MIS,QUOTE,AN,GET,OUT,ESQ.]BY THE TIME JOE'S PEOPLE GET THERE IT WILL BE OVER AND IN THE ENSUING CONFUSION YOU WILL BE PRESIDENT,THIS COUNTRY DESERVES YOU SIR...[somewhere in the bowels of hell tricky dick nixon is beaming right now]RUN JERRY RUN!!!
Good looking out, Friend. Word has it that Biden is having me investigated for things that I did before I changed my name and moved out of state. What's with that guy taking this so seriously anyway? Doesn't matter because I also have accountants looking into his situation and they're promising they'll find something significant or they'll only bill me for their full price and overtime. I've worked with them before. Dewey, Cheatum and Howe are one of the best unlicensed accounting firms in the state and they've handled big cases before. In fact, their partner Imagunna Cheatum just got out of the joint for the last big case. Biden doesn't stand a chance!
Sir,just as a precaution,i've contacted the best law firm on the block..[just,sen,cash & poof]these leeches-opps-err-ahem-hehe..legal bunglers-opps-err-ahem-hehe..legal beagles will get things done,in your service of course!!
Legal Beagles sounds like of expensive. I might be able to afford a Legal Pug but I have to see if my EDT went into my campaign fund like I arranged.
HEHEHE..YOU HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS SIR...DON'T BE CONCERNED WITH THE TYPE OF PAYMENT...[they take food stamps also!!].
SIR,GOOD NEWS...I SPOKE TO SOME GYPSIES PASSING THROUGH DA HOOD,AND THEY ASKED ABOUT THE EXCITEMENT IN DA HOOD OVER YOUR RUNNING FOR OFFICE,AFTER I TOLD THEM YOUR NAME THE MOTHER GYPSY SAID THAT YOU WERE BORN TO LEAD AND FOR A SMALL DONATION SHE COULD CAST A SPELL THAT WOULD NOT ONLY GUARANTEE YOU THE ELECTION BUT WOULD CHANGE THE NAME OF THE OFFICE TO[are you ready for this sir??]....THE WIZARD OF OZ..WHICH INSURES THAT YOUR NAME WILL BE IMMORTALIZED FOR ALL TIME...[or until 3pm January 2nd]BUT BY THEN YOU'LL BE IN THERE,UP TO YOU SIR!!
Cool beans! But don't tell them where I live because I stole a chicken foot from her about five years ago and went to the casino with it. And it worked that night, too because I almost broke even and although I lost my shirt, I got to keep my jacket. Since then, she's been looking out for me with that one good eye. I knew it was her right eye, so I pay a kid to tap her on the left shoulder every time we're in the same room with each other. She said that the chicken foot retails for $4.98 but I know that's a lie because I sold it on eBay for $2.25 when I left the casino. I probably should have given it back to her but I needed the $2.25 for bus fare to get there and once I sold it, there was nothing for me to give back. I offered to give her a duck foot after I ran over a Mallard a week or so later and she started swearing in Gypsyese or something. She already had it in for me, though because I cracked a joke on her at a picnic once and she didn't have a comeback. She uttered a curse that my first-born son would be lame and her grandson started walking with a limp soon after. I told her it was a coincidence and that I was sure her son was the kid's dad but he popped up on Lauren Lake's Paternity Court and pretty much proved that he wasn't. So thanks for the help, Partner! But please Please PLEASE don't let her know my whereabouts or she's gonna curse me with child support.
VERY GOOD SIR,DON'T WORRY I GET AMNESIA FAST IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU WITH ALL THOSE OTHER LITTLE[JERRY'S]RUNNING LOOSE..JUST REMEMBER SIR IF ANYONE ASK,YOU WERE AT GRADY'S PASSING OUT BARF BAGS AS PART OF YOUR SERVICE TO YOUR VOTERS..[and sir we have pictures of you with those poor unfortunates too],IT WON'T MATTER THAT YOU WEREN'T ACTUALLY THERE CGI IS AMAZING...YOU'RE SHOO IN MR.PRESIDENT-TEN MORE YEARS,TEN MORE YEARS!!
SIR,IN YOUR SERVICE...[and the fact that you're forty million votes behinds joe biden]WE WHO ARE BEHIND YOU CAME UP WITH A STRATEGY THAT WILL WIN YOU THE ELECTION..[and the biggest upset in history]NOW AS YOU KNOW SIR ALL THE CANDIDATES TALK ABOUT THE PROBLEMS THAT WE FACE EACH DAY,WELL SIR WHY NOT WHEN YOU'RE OUT ON THE CAMPAINE TRAIL PASS OUT...MARSHMELLOWS-THAT'S RIGHT SIR,BECAUSE FOLKS ARE TIRED OF BEING REMINDED OF HOW BAD THINGS ARE AND MARSHMELLOWS ARE MELLOW AND FOLKS WILL BE HAPPY...[and full of sugar]BUT BEFORE THEY PASS OUT THEY WILL VOTE FOR YOU SIR BECAUSE THEY WILL FEEL SO-MARSHMELLOWY..TEN MORE YEARS-TEN MORE YEARS!
I have a better idea. I've spent the past day and a half learning to rap and I'm gonna appeal to the youth of America by rapping in the debates. I remember when Bill Clinton got a bump by playing a saxophone on Arsenio Hall. When I bust a diss track on Dumb Old Tramp in the debate, the crowd will go wild. I'm almost done writing my first line of my first song but I'm having a problem with some of the lyrics [[what rhymes with "colluding criminal a** mofo from the swamp of the rich sons of guns with a cheap orange spray tan and pink eyes"?). I thought it would be easier. But nothing worth doing is ever really easy, is it? I'm going to give people at my rallies in the rural areas a country concert but it's difficult preparing because my city "y'all" doesn't sound like their country "y'all" and I don't want them rushing the stage. You never know when something like that can get out of hand. Anyway, I figured I can confuse them by coming out in a red shirt and telling them I'm Colin Powell and giving a great introduction. Then I can go back, switch into a blue shirt and say that I'm Clarence Thomas. After a few kind words, I'll change into a green shirt and pretend I'm Ben Carson [[won't say anything when I come out because he's always sleepy, they'll understand). And then, I'll put on a star spangled shirt and come out and tell them I'm Jerry Oz, give it up for those other great black fellers and dang if I don't love Murica! They'll never know the difference. Then, I'll speak and tell them to vote for me before I lip synch to a couple of Darius Rucker tunes. That way, I'll appeal to the country voters.
Seriously, I got this all figured out.
Well...ok sir you know best,rap it is but i should warn you rumor has it that to get the few black votes in the farm belt trump had[b e t]installed in every farm house,in other words sir those farmers will know you're not-ben carson..we still have most of the marshmellows sir if you change your mind!!!
SIR,I HOPE YOU THROW YOUR HAT INTO THE DEBATES BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALOT TO SAY,AND THIS COUNTRY NEEDS TO HEAR YOU ON THE PLATFORM SIR..-psssss sir over here...I spoke with Grady and he wants to cater one here in da hood now of course you won't arrive until after the others have eaten and by that time they will be shall we say in no condition to debate with anyone which leaves the floor wide open for you sir..SIR THE FLOOR IS YOURS...just watch where you step!!
I ran into a little situation. Apparently, you need valid ID to register as a candidate and my expired Mud Valley Public Library card somehow doesn't count. I'm on the corner trying to get cars to stop and give me money so I can appeal the decision but these fools out here clearly don't care about the way democracy has been stolen from the peeps. I tried to clean one guy's windshield and explain to him why I needed $150 and he told me to get off of his bleeping car. Made me waste a squirt of watered down Windex and when I asked him to at least reimburse me, he ran over my foot. Now I know why healthcare is such a big deal. Anyhoo, the cops came and tried to run me off the corner and I had to ask them if they ever thought about the salvation of their everlasting souls and if they wanted to know about Carlton, the Zen Master from Temple Boombasticoo [[and offer them a pamphlet and to sit down with them for four hours to explain why they could make a ton of loot by recruiting Carltoni prophets) before they decided they needed to be somewhere else. And it was close, too because Temple Boombasticoo obtained a restraining order against me since they ended their 40 day fast last year and found out I had eaten everything in the fridge and most of what was in the cupboards. They're a little touchy, if you ask me. Regardless, I have this situation and between it and all these dang baby mamas trying to get their hands in my pocket, I have to relocate for a few weeks before I kick start my campaign. Grady asked if I wanted to hang out at his joint but I found out when he talks about "sliders", he is referring tot he floors of his restaurant which are so greasy most people can't walk across them without falling. I slipped and fell and before I could threaten to sue him, he sued me for bleeding on a restaurant floor [[which he said was unappetizing and cost him customers) and seeing as I bled like a pig, I think he would have won if it went to court. Regardless, I'll chill somewhere until I can get my library card renewed and by then, I should be able to get into the next debate.
THAT'S VERY UNFORTUNATE SIR,YOU WERE THE BEST CANDIDATE SINCE NIXON,I'M BEHIND YOU SIR...[but until you get your stuff together i'm way behind]I THINK THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION IS BEHIND THIS PLOT TO KEEP YOU FROM RUNNING..GRADY SHOULD BE ASHAMED FOR NOT PATCHING YOU UP WHEN YOU FELL SIR..[he could've just put a hamburger pattie on your wound and all the bleeding would've stopped,you don't wanna know what's in those patties let's just say they'll soak up anything]SIR I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD SELL YOUR STORY TO THE MEDIA AND WHEN THE MOVIE COMES OUT YOU'LL MAKE ENOUGH TO RUN AGAIN..I'LL BE GLAD TO FILM IT SIR...[for oh say 85% of the profits-overhead you understand sir]I WILL CHECK WITH MY PEEPS IN THE INDUSTRY FOR THE FILM RIGHTS,AND I HAVE THE ACTOR TO PORTRAY YOU..LUCKLESS LUMAS LUCKABEE-WHY THIS GUY WAS ONCE SO TOASTED-OPPS-ERR-AHEM HEHE..THE TOAST OF FILM IN DA HOOD AND HE WAS PUT OUT-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..HE PUT OUT GOOD FILMS ON POLITICS..WELL SIR JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU GET BACK IN THE RACE AND GOOD LUCK...[you'll need it]DARN IT ANOTHER GOOD CANDIDATE SHOT DOWN IN HIS PRIME, A SAD DAY IN POLITICS!!!!
Might be sooner than I thought. Looks like I have to pay $23 for an overdue book [[Politics For Dummies and Other Idiots). I just need to scrounge up the loot and I'll be able to reinstate my library card. I thought I had it but the printer broke. Another $38 to get it fixed and that caveman's toenail that I posted on eBay last week is only up to a nickel, which won't even cover postage. Stupid museum "carbon dated" it and found out it was from two weeks ago. As if "carbon dating" ever works. They also said that they doubted whether cavemen used clippers to cut their nails. Not a problem though because I'll be miming downtown and I can probably cover a 30th of my debt by next week. People pay a lot to get mimes to stop. Anyway, I'm okay with Grady and his hamburgers. I cracked my head on the floor when I fell and instead of waving smelling salts under my nose, he used a burger and it not only snapped me right back into consciousness, it kept me awake for almost a month. My eyes watered so much I busted a tear duct. But I just found a lottery ticket and even though the date is for last week, I'm pretty sure I can change it. If those numbers hit tonight I'm turning it in and I'll be right back in the saddle. All my problems will go away just like that. I'll buy five library cards. Maybe even some fresh meat for Grady's greasy spoon. And better yet, I can pay the bribe *I mean processing fee that will make sure the DNA for those nine girls' babies all come back negative. Then I'll steer the moms to welfare before I get rid of it after I'm elected. Keep your fingers crossed!
Well,since jerry is out i gotta find a candidate...[there's money to be made]now let's see...i could get grady but he'd poison the whole country..i could get madame teapot but she'd put her tea in every pot and get impeached..i could get moe,but she'd never stop posing for pics and nothing would get done..oh well i guess it's duufuss-hey duufuss get over here you're gonna run for president..where are you going i don't mean to actually run,now you have to have a platform,duufuss take off those platform shoes it's not that kind of platform,now you are gonna have to debate..put those store tickets away i said debate not rebate..[oh boy]maybe i'll use lilbits but she'd eat this country into a depression..ok back to duufuss,now how do you feel about the women's movement..come away from that club not that kind of movement,will you pay attention? Now you are not gonna raise taxes ok,what are you doing in that yellow cab i said taxes not taxi,now you will get to ride on a big airplane if you win..no you can't fly the plane,what do you mean you quit we haven't started yet....oh boy i'm outta the political arena!!!
OH SIR YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A COMEBACK,JUST LIKE TRICKY DICK NIXON..JUST ONE LITTLE THING SIR,THOSE DNA TEST ALL CAME BACK POSITIVE SO MAYBE AFTER YOU'RE ELECTED TAXES ARE GONNA HAVE TO BE RAISED TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT AND PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GIVE A SPEECH DOWN AT THE WELFARE CLINIC..[sir you'll need all those welfare mothers behind you]OH AND SIR IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO ACTUALLY BRING ALL THOSE KIDS OF YOURS ALONG SO THAT THE ME TOO MOVEMENT WON'T GO THROUGH WITH THAT LAWSUIT,I THINK YOU'RE GONNA WIN THIS THING SIR BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS IS A SPRINT NOT A MARATHON..OH AND SIR YOU MIGHT WANT TO SPEAK AT SOME PUBLIC LIBRARIES ALONG THE WAY...[and return some of those books-those folks never forget an overdue book]WELL SIR WELCOME BACK AND AS ALWAYS..[for a small fee]I'M YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT-TEN MORE YEARS-TEN MORE YEARS!!
AND SIR,IF I MAY ADD THAT YOU'RE GONNA NEED A CAMPAINE SLOGAN SO I GOT MY BEST SLOGAN WRITERS WORKING ON IT...IF YOU WANT TO BE MERRY VOTE FOR JERRY..THIS COUNTRY IS CONSTIPATED BUT I GOT THE MAALOX TO LOOSEN IT UP..THIS ECONOMY NEEDS A KICK IN THE BUTT AND I GOT BIG FEET..WHO NEEDS WALL STREET WE GOT DA HOOD..I'M GONNA STIR THINGS UP WITH A BIG STRAW,THOSE ARE JUST A FEW THAT THEY HAVE COME UP WITH IN YOUR HONOR SIR...[at only 97% on the dollar]WHAT A COUNTRY CLUB!!
I like all of them. I had settled on "Dig deep and pay your taxes. It's all good, cuz Jerry's got your backses". Believe it or not, I wrote it myself. And I've been advised that they're going to send my library card in the mail because I'm not permitted on library premises. But it's a set up, honest. Six pregnant librarians [[at the same location) and all of a sudden, I'm the problem? I guess they never heard of the pill. They just don't like me because I'm black. I didn't urge them to fight over me at work. That video on YouTube where I pass out boxing gloves is kind of fake. But I'm gonna call Gail King because she will have my back. And she's on the pill. This will be taken care of lickety split. And speaking of that, videos on the XXX sites of me licketing splits can't be confirmed so they better stop treating me like Gary Hart. Good thing in always two steps ahead when I fall four steps back or all of these haters might make me seem like I have issues.
More brilliance sir,i was gonna recommend a spin doctor,but you're spinning out of control very nicely on your own sir!
Anyone remember the wonderful tv and movie website, Fametracker?
It's defunct.
When I got to the point that things were spinning constantly, my family intervened and made me see a doctor. He tried to do a blood test but when he put the needle in my arm, he drew 151 Bacardi rum and managed to get drunk after some fell on the back of his hand. I spent two months there getting clean and managed to go most of the last week without more than a drink or two. I felt so good when I walked out of the rehab, I had a friend drive me to a bar so I could celebrate. Of course, the bar that he drove to suggested that I owed $285.30 on a tab that I started just before I went to the center and would only take money. Fortunately, somebody was drunker than me and the caveman's toenail is up to .85 on eBay, so if I can get the check for that, I'm gonna add a couple zeroes on the other side of the decimal point and cash it out for $.8500, which if I'm lucky will be enough to settle the tab. [[I'm pretty good at math normally, but not when I'm dunrk) If not, then I'm going to press charges against the toenail collector guy so that they don't think I'm a shyster. Then, I'll tell him that I'll drop charges if he'll settle for an amount that pays my tab and also gets my Pinto out of the tow yard. It got yanked there when I asked my friend Booby to take off the ignition interlock that only lets me start it when I can breathe into it and confirm that I'm not high. I'll probably put the interlock on eBay. Regardless, I'm on my way to the casino to raise funds for my campaign. I'm playing red all night on the wheel. The last two times I did that, I only lost $800 each so it's very clearly my lucky color. Peace out.
HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE YOU WERE JUST..SHRINKING AWAY? I WOKE UP THE OTHER DAY AND POOF EVERYTHING WAS DARK AND I FELT LIKE I HAVE FADED AWAY..UNTIL I TURNED ON THE LIGHT AND REALIZED THAT I WAS STILL HERE BUT EVERYTHING LOOKED BIG TO ME UNTIL I REALIZED THAT I HAD PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR...[DARNED HOOCH]HAVE YOU EVER PASSED OUT AND WOKE UP UNDER A CHAIR THEY LOOK MIGHTY BIG...BUT I THINK I'M STILL SHRINKING..AAaaaaaaHHhhhhhhGGggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
Nah. But I felt pretty swole up after my sister's Memorial Day cookout. Couldn't fit in the car to drive home so I rented a couple of those scooters you see everywhere and put one under each foot. I weighed them down a little [[sparks all the way home) and the tires lost all of their tread but I made it safely home six hours later. My sister lives 10 miles away and I got hungry on the way home so I stopped to grab a six pack and a bag of Ruffles. It was a good day but now the scooter company is charging me maintenance to repair their broke down scooters. I saw they had an oil leak and filled up the reservoirs with some of Grady's old fish grease [[which might have been a mistake). The scooters were maxing out at 15 mph but the speedometers exploded after they reached 175 mph. When I filed a patent to use his old fish grease as an alternative fuel, the government sent a team of men wearing hazmat suits to remove it and now Grady is ticked off. Whatta day!
Don't pay grady any mind,he's pissed because he was gonna reuse that fish grease as rat poison and peddle it off to the pest control plant down in the bowels of da hood!
He's alright. He managed to package a gallon or so of it into 8 ounce jars and peddle it as "Dumb Old Tramp's Authentic Pomade & Hair Gel". Turns out it's an instant conk and hair bleaching cream [[who knew) and makes anybody look like Tramp [[complete with orange skin). Of course, it also causes brain damage and birth defects but since it's a supplement and not technically a drug, the FDA doesn't have jurisdiction over it. He sold it at one of your president's rallies and made enough loot to pay for the stomach surgery of half the people who ate at his joint last month.