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SIR,YOUR POPULARITY IS BECOMING LEGENDARY,WORD ON DA STREET IS THAT TWO BIG THINGS ARE IN THE WORKS..ONE THE CREATION OF THE[two and a half dollar bill]WITH YOUR PICTURE ON IT OF COURSE..[two and a half so if you get in trouble you won't have to pay the other half]AND THE PLANS FOR YOU TO BE IMMOBILIZED-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..IMMORTALIZED WITH A STATUE,NOW THE NAMES BEING THROWN OUT-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AROUND ARE DA HOOD'S OWN..[CLAYPOT'S CLERMONT]WHO RUNS CLERMONTS CLAY AND BUTTERBEANS EMPORIUM AT THE SOUTH EDGE OF DA HOOD,AND..[MUDPACK MICKY]WHO RUNS-MICKY'S MUDBATH AND MUSTARD GREENS JOINT,SIR THESE ARE JUST TWO HONORS AWAITING YOU-RUN JERRY RUN.
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I'm honored. Sort of. I mean, if they're going to use the photo of me in my cornrows on the two fitty, I'm on board. But if they drag out the one from the '80s of me in my Jheri curls and with that gold tooth that I swallowed when I passed out at Harvey's Head Shop & Chili [[after eating a bad bean) then I might have to file an injunction. Seeing that gold tooth every time I pulled out my wallet would break my heart. And the statues will come in handy when I'm being chased... I mean if I have a need to evade some of my adoring public. I can just stand still in a hood full of Jerry Oz statues and they'll run right by. I love my people. But they need to send in their loot. I might have to do a PSA encouraging them to spend all of their EBT on the first of the month and then sell the food for half price [[in cash) and send the cheddar my way. This can't be a one way relationship with me loving them with no reciprocation. But I know they'll do the right thing to make sure I reach my potential. I mean to make sure I can make things better for all of my voters. I need to go out and find some baby with a mask so I can kiss it for my campaign ads. Finding that video camera on the counter at the pawn shop when the owner went back to check my slip for the pager I hocked was the best thing that happened to me last week. I asked if it belonged to anybody and since nobody answered [[nobody was in the shop) I just assumed it was finders keepers. It'll keep my expenses for the ads low and I can make extra campaign loot by filming "blue" movies and selling them on the street. Of course, my version of a "blue" movie is pointing the camera at a blue wall for 90 minutes. If somebody made the mistake and thought that the half-naked lady on the box meant it was some other kind of flick, I can't be held responsible. That's between them and their pastors, ya know? Anyway, those babies ain't kissing themselves so I have to head out. Remember:
Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!
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WELL SIR,PUCKER UP BECAUSE WHEN WORD GOT OUT ABOUT THE BABY KISSING ALL THE[BABY MAMA'S]IN DA HOOD ARE LINING UP...[it's a long line sir]THEY'RE WILLING TO DONATE A QUARTER FROM EACH WELFARE-STIMILUS CHECK FOR EACH BABY KISSED...[and some of these mama's have five -six babies]BUT BY THE TIME YOU KISS EACH AND EVERYONE OF THESE LITTLE BRAT'S-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..LITTLE BABES YOUR COFFERS WILL BE LOOKING GOOD,OH ONE SMALL TINY LITTLE THING SIR-HEHE-AHEM-UMM..SIR SOME OF THEM WANT YOU TO CHANGE THE PAMPERS BEFORE YOU KISS EM,IT SEEMS THAT ONCE THE WORD GOT OUT THE RUSH TO BE THE FIRST IN LINE IS SO GREAT THAT SOME OF THE LITTLE TYKES WILL HAVE TO BE CHANGED,IF I MAY SUGGEST SIR THAT YOU SHOW UP ON THE FIRST OF THE MONTH SO THAT CHECKS CAN BE CASHED...[sir you might want to wear something made with rubber in case of any and most likely little accidents-poo-pee,little things like that]WE ARE CHANGING BABIES AFTER ALL...OPPS...DID I SAY WE??? YOU SIR,IT'S ALL FOR YOU DA MAMA'S IN DA HOOD AWAIT YOU SIR...[you may want to practice pamper changing sir]RUN JERRY RUN!
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I might have to give that some thought. The last time I signed a contract to kiss babies for cash that included changing diapers, some funny guy scribbled "mamas" into the contract right after the word "baby" and I wound up changing adult diapers for 358 babies mamas. It was that or I was going to be Sued and that wouldn't have ended well because Sue was the first in line and she was a 6'4" 435 pound former wrestler and I'm pretty sure she would have pounded me into dust. But with that being said, let me do the cost benefit analysis of having my stunt double [[my cousin Boogie Boo who looks kind of like me in dark light) doing it for me. Wearing a mask, they couldn't tell the difference in the dark. Boogie Boo will do it for $35 [[which will pay for his fix for the next week) and if I can clear $60 [[not including all of the Pepto-Bismol and cotton that Boogie Boo will need to stuff in his nose [[let alone the PTSD therapy)), then I might be able to work it out. If I can get $60 on top of what Boogie Boo needs, then I can take $20 of it to Highway Harry's Strip Club & Recyclables and change a couple of babes instead of babies. It'll be a win-win-win-win. Babies get kissed/changed, Boogie Boo stays out of the joint for a couple of hours, I get to campaign for the girls at Highway Harry's and I'll come out with $40 on top of everything.
Things are falling into place! Looks like I'm going to the Whites House, y'all!!!
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HOW DO YOU DO IT SIR?...[NIXON WOULD BE PROUD]YOU ARE TRULY...DA MAN,WELL SIR AS ALWAYS,SOMETHING IS ALWAYS BREWING IN DA HOOD AND WITH THE [4TH OF JULY]COMING UP ALTHOUGH NO FIREWORKS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THAT NEVER STOPPED FOLKS DOWN HERE,WITH THAT SAID...[MATCHLIGHT MOOCHIE]THE DUDE IN CHARGE OF FIREWORKS-WINK-WINK HAS SOME ILL-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..INTERGRATED SPARKLERS..[only ten tons of tnt]AND ROCKETS...[only two hundred tons of fuel]AND DUUFUSS GOT HIS HANDS ON SOME MISSILES...[nobody ever ask where he gets them]AND DA FOLKS WANT YOU TO LIGHT THE FUSE TO GET THIS CELEBRATION GOING...[the fuse is a hundred feet long so that you can get to safety]THOSE RUMORS OF A MOUNTAIN TOP IN OUTER MONGOLIA BEING BLOWN OFF IS A LIE STARTED BY THE OTHER PARTY TO DISCREDIT YOUR CAMPAINE SIR...[the fact that duufuss was spotted in the area is just a coincidence]ANYHOW SIR THIS WILL BE A FUN TIME FOR ALL AND IF AND WHEN ANY OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT CARS SHOW UP ONCE THEY SEE YOU ALL WILL BE GOOD,YOU CAN VOUCH FOR DA HOOD...[before the tanks roll in]HEHE,THEY SEEM TO THINK THAT DA HOOD IS A DANGER TO THE COUNTRY,WE JUST LIKE TO CELEBRATE LIKE ANYONE ELSE...[those little missile silos will be taken down before dawn]SO SIR WE HOPE TO SEE YOU ON THIS BIG AMERICAN DAY,AS ALWAYS DA HOOD IS YOURS-RUN JERRY RUN!
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Wow. That all sounds like a lot of fun but since I'm not allowed to touch anything loud as a condition of my release, I'm prolly gonna have to pass. Rumor has it that I was found drunk and with a hammer at the bottom of a missile silo in North Dakota, banging away on a bomb. I told them it could have been any black guy down there doing it and they had no evidence, they brought up the fact that they caught me in the act and there wasn't another black dude in North Dakota that month. I still think their case was flimsy and since I was blackout drunk, I dispute their version of facts. But since that and the time I tied a torch to a monkey's tail and let it run loose through an M80 factory, I have the unfair lable of being a public threat who shouldn't be permitted anywhere near bombs, fireworks, gasoline, kerosene, nitro-glycerine, nuclear power plants or Ex-lax. I expect to get the record expunged sometime in the next 20 years and going to the 4th of July celebration might push that back by another 30 years or so. I might send Boogie Boo with his mask [[if it's out of the washer by then, not sure how all of that blood got on it) and maybe if he keeps his mouth shut, my fans will think he's me. Tell the folks that I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to pass on this one. But also, to keep the loot flowing. The 4th of July is during the first week of the month and they shouldn't spend all of their EBT at the celebration when they know that I need the cash more than they do. Sharing is caring! Thanks again, Homeboy!
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SIR,I'VE HAD TALKS WITH THE RECLUELESS-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..RECLUSIVE LAND OWNER WHO RESIDES AT THE FAR END OF DA HOOD ON HIS FARM...[he doesn't actually grow anything,because the soil is rotten]BUT ANYHOW IT IS A LOT OF LAND AND[BARON RECLUSE...not his real name because he's got some baby mamas lurking and he won't pay alimony]ANYHOW SIR,THE BARON IS A BIG FAN OF YOURS....[he also owes a lot of back taxes]AND HE WANTS YOU TO CONSIDER USING HIS FARM FOR YOUR PRESIDENTIAL GETAWAY,INSTEAD OF CAMP DAVID THIS WOULD BE A WHOLE NEW THING IN HISTORY...[and he hopes you can get him off the hook with the IRS]THERE'S PLENTY OF LAND HERE,AND YOU CAN GO[QUICKSAND HUNTING]OR SWAMP GOLFING OR BIG GAME HUNTING IN DA WEEDS..[lots of weeds sir]...[there's actually no game here but just finding your way out is an adventure in itself]BUT THE BARON HAS A BIG HOUSE AND HE ALSO HAS SNAPPING TURTLES..[put here to keep out the feds and the baby mamas]IT WOULD BE A DIFFERENT KIND OF PRESIDENTIAL THING THAT YOU MAY GET A KICK OUT OF..ONE SMALL THING SIR..REMEMBER TO WEAR BOOTS TO KEEP THE SNAPPERS AT BAY,BUT THE BARON SAYS THAT AFTER A FEW DAYS THEY CALM DOWN,THERE'S ALSO FISHING HERE...[do you like swamp guppees sir?]THEY ONLY SWIM HERE,WELL SIR THE BARON WANTED YOU TO GET THE INVITE FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION..IT'S LOCATED WAY DOWN AT THE SOUTHERN TIP OF DA HOOD JUST PAST DA CONTAMINATED SALT AN LAME WATER PLANT...[just follow the stench sir]IT'S JUST OFF SOULTRAIN LANE,WELL I KNOW YOU'RE A BUSY MAN SO I'LL AWAIT YOUR WORD,THANK YOU SIR...RUN JERRY RUN!
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I'll have to have my advisors look into that. If the Baron is on the up and up [[besides that tax thing) then maybe I can work it out for a small financial consideration to my political action committee. But if he's got things in his background that might get the attention of my parole offic... my chief advisor then Imma have to find some other terms to accept his cash. I mean work with him. And correct me if I heard wrong but I thought that the Baron's snapping turtles was what he called his babies' mamas, not what he used to keep them away. Or maybe he called them pit bulls. Something, I dunno. Anyway, I'm leery of any "fish" found down in that part of the hood because I know there was a huge hole in the sewer line out of the hood and a lot of those fish don't swim [[although a bunch of them float). I might be able to have the EPA consider his property a toxic site and funnel a few million dollars in his direction if he can make sure a couple of them make their way back. After all, I'm planning on ordering a pair of gators for my inauguration and they don't buy themselves so I need these people to start pulling my weight. But once again, I lvoe my voters. Let them know that I'm recording a YouTube video just for them to express my appreciation and I'm going to post it as soon as I figure out how to make them pay to watch it. This thing is going to happen. When I called to find my poll results this morning, instead of asking who I am, they told me that their lawyers would contact me if I continued to call them. So that means the polling companies know about me and that's a huge step to legitimacy. I can feel the love! Anyway, Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!
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SIR,I WAS OVER AT DA-LOCAL POLITICAL CENTER AN JUTEBOX EMBASSARIUM THE OTHER DAY,WHEN THE SUBJECT OF YOUR RUNNING MATE CAME UP I EXPLAINED TO THE GENTLEMEN THERE THAT YOU MORE THAN LIKELY HAVE YOUR NO.2 IN MIND BUT YOU'RE SO LOVED HERE...[and they wanna get paid]THAT THEY WANNA KNOW IF YOU WOULD CONSIDER PICKING SOMEONE FROM RIGHT HERE IN DA HOOD,NOW SOME NAMES WERE THROWN AROUND...[one almost hit me]SUCH AS ..RUNNIN RODNEY..[he doesn't do much except run all over da hood,from his days of running from the cops]HE JUST KEEPS RUNNING BUT HE KNOWS YOU AND WANTS TO RUN WITH YOU..[I've tried to explain to him but he always reminds me that he has his GED from night school]ANOTHER POTENTIAL CANDIDATE IS-SMARTMOUTH SMITTY..[so named because he thinks he's always talking smart to folks although nobody knows what he's talking about]BUT HE CLAIMS TO KNOW POLITICS AND WANTS TO BE ON THE TICKET..[mostly a meal ticket]NOW THERE IS ONE WHO MIGHT FIT THE BILL SIR-DEBBIE DEBATER,THAT'S RIGHT SIR A FEMALE BUT SHE GOT HER NAME BECAUSE OF HER ABILITY TO TALK HER WAY OUT OF LEGAL JAMS...[she got into a bit of trouble some time back because of certain night activities]BUT SHE'S BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-SOCIALIZED AND HAS BEEN READING ABOUT POLITICS AND SHE ACTUALLY GRADUATED FROM REFORM SCHOOL WITH A CERTIFICATE IN CERTIFICATION,WELL SIR THEY WANT TO STAND WITH YOU ON THE PODIUM,JUST WANNA GIVE YOU A HEADS UP..RUN JERRY RUN.
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I might have to let a few folks down. Artie "The Murderous Lech" found me sleeping in the trunk of the Lincoln yesterday. Didn't know that Mrs. Murderous Lech had a GPS on her phone or I wouldn't have let her sleep with me because that's how he found me. When he cracked open the trunk and found us platonically resting [[it might have looked bad because we both sleep better in the nude) he asked what was going on. I had to think on my feet [[or actually, my butt) and told him that she was there to vouch for him as a vice-presidential candidate and that as far as what she shared, everything felt good [[that part was actually quite true) and that I was leaning heavily toward making him my VP. Artie was so excited, he offered to cancel half of my debt if I let him run with me. I'm really not, but I can't announce that just yet. But suffice it to say, if I announce any of your homeboys as my veep, Artie will kill them before they can sober up to accept. Thanks for looking out for me but I'll announce my vice-president at the convention after "interviewing" a few more of the candidates' wives.
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GULP...NOBODY IN DA HOOD MESSES WITH ARTIE,THIS GUY IS SO TOUGH THAT ONCE HE WENT INTO GRADY'S TO COLLECT HIS PROTECTION MONEY..[little know fact-even Grady pays tribute to this gangster]WELL GRADY DECIDES THAT HE'S NOT GONNA PAY SO HE INVITE ARTIE TO ONE OF HIS SPECIAL MEALS[the kind that sends ordinary folks to the hospital]WELL ARTIE NOT ONLY ATE TWO HELPINGS BUT HAD A SLICE OF GRADY'S-INFAMOUS COCONUT CAKE,BELCHED AND TOLD GRADY THAT HE HAD UNTIL SUNDOWN TO GET THAT MONEY,GRADY THOUGH HE HAD SEEN THE LAST OF ARTIE..[since nobody in da hood has EVER survived two of his meals]UNTIL ARTIE SHOWED UP FIT AS A FIDDLE TO COLLECT...GRADY PAID UP AND NOBODY EVER MISSES A PAYMENT TO ARTIE....INCLUDING ME-GULP!!!
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I might have gotten lucky. Arturo dropped his cell phone when he was reaching for his gun after finding out about my "interview" with Mrs. The Murderous Lech and I figured out his password [[IK1LL4L00T&FUN - it's tattooed to his forearm and I figured there must be a reason). Anyway, he took selfies of himself smiling with the bodies after his last 22 murders and the photos managed to find their way to the cloud along with a message from an anonymous source that my debt needs to be forgiven or they would find their way to the police. When he asked if I sent the note, I asked him "What note?" while offering him a large bag of Ruffles and he seemed to think that somebody else was behind the extortion. With that being said, since I'm no longer in debt to The Murderous Lech, I can offer my veep slot to the highest bidder. When opportunity knocks... Besides all of that, I was able to pawn the cell phone off while wearing an old Richard Nixon Halloween mask and made enough to put $10 in my Lincoln AND get a happy meal from Grady's. I should have bought lottery tickets with the loot but I've never been smart with money on an empty stomach.
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SIR,ONCE AGAIN YOU GOTTEN OUT OF A TIGHT JAM WITH YOUR WIT...[and a lucky drop of the phone,hehe]WORD WILL SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE AND THE CANDIDATES WILL BE LINING UP,THE SUN CAN SHINE ON DA HOOD ONCE AGAIN SIR WITH YOU AS THE BEST CON-MAN-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..WITH THE CONFIDENCE OF DA PEOPLE THIS COUNTRY WILL ONCE AGAIN BE RESTORED...SIR WORD ON DA STREET SAYS THAT[RUDY'S RUSTBOTTOM AN BALDTIRE GARAGE]DOWN AT THE CORNER OF-75TH & J.J.WALKER LN]IS OFFERING A FREE GAS EM UP FOR THE LINCOLN WHENEVER YOU'RE DOWN HIS WAY..[and he's way down]EVER SINCE HE FIXED[PIMPIN PHIL'S]CADDY SOME YEARS BACK AND THE MOTOR FELL OUT AS THE ONLY THING THAT SAVED RUSTY WAS THE FACT THAT THE COPS WERE HOT ON PIMPIN'S TAIL AND RUSTY HAD TO MOVE TO THE LOW END OF DA HOOD FOR HIS SAFETY...[Pimpin is doing 75 to life]BUT RUSTY AIN'T TAKING NO CHANCES..[you may not recognize him today sir]RUSTY WAS A TALL GUY BUT HE HAD SPECIAL SURGERY SO TODAY HE'S-4'6 EVEN WITH LIFTS AND A TOP HAT..WELL SIR THAT'S THE WORD OF DA DAY-RUN JERRY RUN!
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I was on my way to get gas from Rusty but I stopped by Grady's on the way and got a bowl of his black beans and beef liver stew and now, I have more gas than I can use. I'm actively negotiating with Goodyear to see if they want to purchase some for the blimps but I'm holding out for filling up five and they only want to buy enough for three. If I fill up three, I still have to get rid of the rest of it and that might not be a good thing. The last time I had this much gas, I went to the beach and farted in the water moments before nine Blue Whales beached themselves on the shore. If it wasn't for all of the buzzards circling ten feet over my head, I might have gotten away with it. I'm seconds away from an environmental disaster of huge dimenision if I sneeze or hiccup, so I might have to go ahead with the three blimp deal. Heck, I might give them a buy-three-get-two special just to feel better. Besides, I have another few bowls of stew and I can't eat them until I make room. I tried to buy some bicarb from the drug store but they're out of the industrial strength formulation and the regular stuff only makes my problem worse. Anyway, it's too hot to drive the Lincoln with the windows down and driving with them up so I can use the air conditioner is a potentially fatal blunder at this point. What if I run over a pothole? Sneeze? I'll figure it out. Tell Rusty I'll be there as soon as I can figure out a safe way to do it. If I recall correctly, Rusty is a smoker and striking a match anywhere within 20 yards of me could leave the hood flat. Thanks for the head's up! I'm dropping off another 3,000 absentee ballots on the corner of Tupac Lane and Weezy Jefferson Blvd. at midnight. If you could fill 'em out and have them back on the corner in a plain unmarked box by Friday, I'd appreciate it. Make sure you don't leave any fingerprints on them or put my name on the box anywhere. I don't want people to think I'm dirty dealing. Peace out!
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YOU GOT IT SIR,I'LL HAVE ONE OF MY SEXY-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..SECRETARIES ON IT PRONTO,IF I MAY SUGGEST THAT ON YOUR WAY TO RUSTY'S YOU STOP OFF AND SEE THE LUGG-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..LEADING GASTRONOMICAL DR.IN DA HOOD[DR.POOF]HE'S DEVELOPED A NEW ANTI-GAS FORMULA THAT'S A BLAST..[now sir as with most meds today,there's a small side effect]YOU'LL LOSE CONTROL OF ALL BOWER FUNCTIONS FOR OH SAY SIXTY DAYS OR 3 MONTHS[WHICHEVER COMES FIRST]...[oh and sir you can't be within ten miles of a city or small mongolian village..whichever comes first]BUT THE GOOD DR.WILL FILL YOUR DEPENDS PRESCRIPTIONS..[but only every fourth Sunday]OH AND YOU MAY WANT TO GET GOOD PLUNGER AND A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF TP,WHICH THE DR.WILL GLADLY THROW IN FOR A SMALL SURCHARGE...[or a place in your cabinet sir...you may need him during your first term]WELL SIR I HOPE THIS GOOD MEDICAL INFO WAS HELPFUL..[OF COURSE SIR THIS MAY GIVE NEW MEANING TO-RUN JERRY RUN]I REMAIN IN YOUR CORNER SIR!!
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It won't be necessary. I filled up the five blimps but still was running high pressure in my gut and was a danger to others. So I did the only thing I could think of, which is I drove up to Michigan and after the sun went down, I climbed into Lake Michigan and swam out about 20 yards before releasing whirlwind [[or maybe whirlpool, as it turned out). I probably should have aimed out towards Ohio instead of straight down because the resulting earthquake released energy to shake Detroit and flattened the old Pistons hangout in Auburn Hills.
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Now, I don't mind tearing down the Palace but if I'd known I had it in me, I would have done it when Isiah Thomas, Dennis Rodman, Bill Laimbeer and the Bad Boys were still playing. I might have to sneak out of the state before they try to charge me with vandalism. But not all is bad news because the rumbler dislodged enough dirt and debris from the bottom of the lake that Jimmy Hoffa popped out of his hiding place and now, that mystery has been solved. I'll write a book about it one day when I get a new pen and a tablet of paper. Maybe I can blame it on my opponent in the fall and put it in a campaign ad. Anyway, I feel a whole lot better.
Time to eat another bowl of stew. I bought some jalapeno peppers and prune juice that I'm using to spruce up Grady's black bean and beef liver stew. I think it's gonna be pretty tasty. Hopefully, that whole thing with the gas is over. :)
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SIR,GRADY IS USING YOUR VISIT TO START A NEW LINE OF CLOTHING..[BLACK BEANS MATTER] TEE SHIRTS ARE TURNING UP ALL OVER DA HOOD...[sir since this was inspired by you then some of the proceeds should go towards your campaign because Grady is gonna make a mint]WATCH HIM SIR OR HE'LL GET RICH OFF YOUR GOOD NAME..NEVER EVER TURN YOUR BACK ON GREASY GRADY!!
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That sounds good as long as I'm not going to get sued when somebody eats at Grady's, thinking I'm endorsing it. Project Greenpeace just sued me for the cost of getting those Blue Whales back in the water [[they really didn't want to go back in the water and I can't say that I blame them) and the EPA has declared my swimming trunks a hazardous waste site. This is all bad publicity for my campaign. My mentor [[I.M. Ashyster) taught me that there's no such thing as bad publicity except for bad publicity and it'll be bad if I have to explain why I killed every fish, seal, whale, sea bird, starfish, clam, oyster, sea turtle and life guard within a 15 square mile area. And I don't want to blame Grady because if I do, people will flock to his restaurant and it'll take weeks for me to get another bowl of black beans and beef liver stew. By the way, the prune juice and jalapenos really kicked it up a notch flavor wise but I'm probably going to take a trip up to Lake Erie tonight and go for another swim. I called Bromo-Seltzer to ask if they wanted to take on my case and they threatened me with legal action if I didn't lose their number. It's all good. I'll fix all of this next year after I'm president.
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SIR,YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYONE SUING YOU AFTER EATING AT GRADY'S...[they'll just be glad to get out of intensive care]BUT GRADY IS USING YOUR NAME TO GET A DISCOUNT ON THOSE BLACK BEANS..[THEY'RE GROWN ON A BLACK SOIL AND VOLCANIC ASH FARM DEEP IN THE JUNGLES OF BORA BORA AT THE EDGE OF THE SMALLEST ISLAND]HE WAS BANNED FROM THE ISLAND BACK IN[1968]FOR EXPORTING BLUE ASHES WITHOUT PAYING THE ASH FARMERS WHO WENT BROKE...[Grady uses blue ash in his infamous blue bread ] WHICH THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT MADE HIM STOP SERVING BECAUSE FOLKS WERE HAVING HULLUCINATIONS AND CRAVING THE COLOR BLUE,ANYHOW HE'S TELLING THE GOVERNMENT OF BORA BORA THAT THE NEW PRESIDENT WILL COVER ALL COST OF HIS NEW PROJECT..UM SIR THAT WOULD BE YOU...[Grady tried to contact the present administration but they were deep in the bunker and wouldn't take his calls]THIS COULD CAUSE AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT SIR,YOU MAY WANT TO SPEAK TO GRADY ABOUT IT,OR BETTER YET HAVE ARTIE SPEAK TO HIM,JUST A HEADS UP SIR!
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Artie's not going to help me. His wife just told him that the rabbit died and he's pee o'ed at somebody for it. He asked her who was responsible and she told him that I was, so he's looking for me with renewed anger. Fortunately, I was gasing up at Rusty's before I was gonna gas out in Lake Erie and the Murderous Lech hasn't hung out at Rusty's since he drove off without leaving a tip in 1984 and Rusty promised to never again give him S&H trading stamps again. Of course this ticked Artie off because he only needed another 30 stamps before he could cash out and get that assault rifle/chain saw combination that he'd circled in the S&H catalog. He'd collected for 23 years and when Rusty cut him off, it's what led to his life of disorganized crime... A dark day for the hood. Anyway, I'm gonna talk to the leader of Bora Bora and tell him that I have nothing to do with Grady or his dirty dealings. I'll tell him that as far as I'm concerned, he can kick Grady's ash out of Bora Bora forever. I have other things to deal with right now, seeing that Artie knows why the rabbit died. I can't help it if women love me, I think they love what I represent, which is a guy who is smart, handsome, independently wealthy, funny, sweet, considerate, quick thinking and very humble. I gotta figure this out quick because I have campaign events coming up that I don't want Artie to interrupt but he's so ticked off about that rabbit dying that I don't think he's going to leave it be. I knew when his wife climbed in the trunk of the Lincoln with that darned rabbit, it was a bad idea. I heard the bones breaking when I rolled over on it but I honestly didn't think I killed it. If I have to cough up $18 to buy Artie another rabbit, it'll mean I have to work overtime to make up for the loot. And here I was thinking about using a rabbit as a mascot! Wife comes at you fast.
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Sir,i may be able to help you out of your little situation with artie...my nephew[liljai]found some bunnies down at the condemed construction site and limepit where he plays and he can get one that looks just like the one that passed so artie will not know the difference,you can just say that the bunny was lost and now is found,which will make artie happy and in your dept which in turn will make you untouchable in da hood..run jerry run!
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I wish you would have told me that last week, Bruh! Mrs. The Murderous Lech decided to make lemonade out of lemons in that situation and the way she told Artie that the rabbit had died was by deep frying it and serving it with chips for his dinner. Artie almost caught me one day but he was so full of rabbit 'n chips, he lost a step and I got away by jumping off a waterfall. But gimme your nephew's phone number because I might be able to sell those bunnies to Grady who can substitute the meat for beef liver in his stew [[bunny meat sells for $1.16/pound less than beef liver) and maybe I'll make enough loot to pay Artie the $18.65 he's demanding [[the .65 is interest, Artie is all about the loot and every day I'm having to pay him another 6.5 cents; at this point, I may get in over my head and might seek Secret Service protection). But good looking out. I'm making progress because when I called the polling company yesterday to see why my name wasn't listed in the national results, instead of asking me who I was, they told me they had a complaint department downstairs in their *ss and if I wanted to see somebody about my concern, I could go down and wait for service. So it looks like they're recognizing me outside the hood! Baby steps!!
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UMM SIR,I'D FORGET ABOUT GRADY IN THIS DEAL...[he already has a farm down at the limepit]BUT I'LL SPEAK TO[LILJAI]ABOUT THOSE BUNNIES..UNFORTUNATELY HE DOESN'T HAVE A PHONE ANYMORE AS HIS PARENTS GAVE HIM ONE BUT HE KEPT CALLING SOME OUT OF TOWN NUMBER -[BEECHWOOD-4-5789] AND SOME CHICK WOULD ANSWER SAYING-[WE CAN HAVE A DATE ANY OL TIME]WELL HIS DAD PUT A STOP TO THAT...[he went to Detroit and dated the chick]AND WHEN HIS WIFE FOUND OUT SHE KICKED HIM OUT..BUT BACK TO THIS STORY-WE'LL GET THOSE BUNNIES FOR YOU SIR-RUN JERRY RUN!!
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Good looking out, Homeboy. I just found a good recipe for gumbo made with rabbit kidneys and the snails people keep in their home aquariums. A few bunnies will give me an unlimited and never-ending supply of the first and I can slip by my cousin Junie's to get the snails [[he stopped cleaning his aquarium in 1992 and it's pretty much a snail pit now) and that should give me the protein I need to start up a business that might change the game for recipes in the hood. I figure I can sell it out of the alley behind the Shell station on Gary Coleman Road, which will give people quick access to a bathroom in case something... goes wrong. Anyway, I can get a couple of orphans to scrounge up the other supplies from various private gardens in the hood [[under cover of anonymity, of course; can't get caught up in anything that could be 'sketchy'). Other than that, I'm gonna need a couple tons of salt, which makes everything taste great so I'm probably going to get that from the beach [[I saw where salt and sand are pretty closely related). But if this takes off, I'll probably have plenty of loot to funnel through one of Artie's money cleaning operations and maybe even enough to pay him off. Look at how everything's coming together! It's a sign!!!!
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YOU'RE A GENIUS SIR...[and smart too]DA HOOD AND DA COUNTRY IS BLESSED THAT YOU ARE ON-OPP-ERR-AHEM-HEHE...IN OUR CORNER.
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SIR,AS WORD OF YOUR IMPENDING VICTORY RAGES THROUGH DA HOOD LIKE WILDFIRE FOLKS HERE WANT TO BE A PART OF HISTORY...[and hoping to break off a piece of change too]MOTHER PITTS OF[PITTS PRUNEJUICE AN KALE CAFE]ON THE OTHER SIDE OF DA HOOD WANTS YOU TO ENDORSE HER INFAMOUS[MUSKY MUSTARD GREENS AN SOURMILK BISCUITS]...[the old girl is loaded an has alot of friends on this side of town]SOME OF WHOM CAN ACTUALLY STILL REMEMBER HOW TO VOTE,ALSO BROTHER BOONE OF DA FARMS CHURCH OF DA WHOLLY HEAL WANTS TO BLESS YOU DOWN AT HIS HOLY WHOLE IN DA WALL CHAPEL DOWN AT THE OPPOSITE END OF DA HOOD...[just look for the big cross with the spinning dollar sign on top]THE GOOD BROTHER IS KNOWN FOR HIS SPECIAL OILS AND CENTED CANDLES...[so called because it 's gonna cost a few cents to get em]THESE GOOD FOLKS WANT TO MAKE THEMSELVES AVAILABLE TO YOU IF YOU SHOULD GET TO THIS PART OF DA HOOD...[of course sir they wouldn't mind a cabinet position either,if you should have one or two laying around]MAYBE AN AMBASSADORSHIP TO SOME SMALL COUNTRY OR ISLAND..WELL SIR THEY JUST WANTED ME TO PASS THE WORD...[hoping that you will pass some cash]WORD ON DA STREET SAYS THAT BROTHER BOONES HAS QUITE A FOLLOWING...[they follow him all the way out to his special wholey drinkery in back of his chapel where drink is served every Friday-Saturday]AND SOME SUNDAYS,AND THEY WILL VOTE WHICHEVER WAY HE TELLS EM...[if you get my drift sir]THESE GOOD FOLK COULD HELP YOU GAIN THE VOTES NEEDED TO CEMENT YOUR VICTORY..RUN JERR RUN!!
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Good news! Now that my PO took my ankle monitor off, I'll be able to hang out down in the hood again. They booted me up on 80 warrants and 150 unpaid tickets [[but one of the warrants was a mistake) and even though I told them it was a misunderstanding, they hauled me in anyways. Something about "an abundance of caution" and "high probability to offend again if released"... Anyhoo, I had my old high school buddy Percy Punkins create a tape of the prosecutor talking about how nasty the judge's award winning turkey and sauerkraut turnovers are and threatened to let her listen to it if he didn't suggest that they take the monitor off and he fell for it. As long as I stay out of jail, the good judge won't listen to the tape so it's a win/win all the way around. Let everybody know that I have 15 minutes to spare next Thursday between 9:39 and 9:54 and that I'll be over to see them and collect their donations [[remember, food stamps and EBT donations HAVE to be three times the amount so I can sell them at fair market value). It'll be good to see all of my peeps again but make sure they wear their masks and social distance because I can use some Corona beer but they can keep that Coronavirus in the pews. And no hand shaking unless they step out of a tub full of sanitizer first. It's gonna be so good to see somebody from the hood reach the highest heights and I won't forget everybody who helped make it possible [[so tell them not to try to come see me in the Whites House, because I remember them and don't need to see them again). But since I'm gonna have my inaugural ball in the hood because it's going to be a great nod to my homeboys and honeys [[and a value at only $450 per ticket for an event that will be catered by Church's Fried Chicken AND White Castles [[guests get their choice of either but not both, I'm not made of money) and it's going to be lit!!!). Anyway, keep up the good work, Brother. I need more folks like you to help me bring this thing home. Actually, I need about 80 million more people like you but I'm off to a good start.
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SIR,THESE DIRTY TRICKS BY THE OTHER PARTY HAVE GOT TO STOP...[a man of your stature wearing an ankle monitor,and those judges are on the payroll of the opposition]THEY'RE RUNNING SCARED BECAUSE IT'S YOUR TIME SIR AND THEY KNOW IT,HECK IF THEY WANNA GO ON YOUR MISSPENT YOUTH HALF DA HOOD WILL STAND WITH YOU..[providing their probations are up an the child payments are up to date]SIR DA PEOPLE ARE FEED UP WITH THIS MISTREATMENT AND I'M ABOUT TO START A PETITION AS SOON AS I FIND TEN FOLKS WHO DON'T HAVE COURT DATES COMING UP...[it's rough out here]...[two hundred dudes tested positive for not only covid19,but their DNA test came back positive for some newborns in da hood maturnity wards which is overcrowded and little bundles of joy have been found on some doorsteps-it's rough outthere]THAT CONVOY OF TRUCKS THAT YOU PASSED ON YOUR WAY HERE WAS THOSE DUDES GOING TO JAIL..BUT WE WON'T TAKE THIS LAYING DOWN SIR,A RALLY IS PLANNED DOWN AT AMOS N ANDY PARK UNDER THE BANNER OF...DEADBEAT DADS MATTER,WITH A SPEECH FROM THE LEADING POLITICAL VOICE IN DA HOOD...DISHIKI DOUG OF THE[GREEN DOLLARS PARTY]WHOSE SLOGAN IS...THE GREENER THE DOLLARS THE BIGGER THE PARTY..THIS WILL BE BIG SIR AND IF YOU'RE PASSING BY STOP AND WAVE...DA HOOD IS ON DA MOVE!!
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Dishiki Doug was spotted on camera wearing his mask backwards and now 5-0 is looking for him. They said that they're out of practice tackling and pepper spraying people and although wearing a mask wrong isn't really something that can get you arrested, it's definitely something that can get your butt beat. I saw six cruisers, two motorcycles and a meter maid heading in his direction to get in on the action. Hope he's going to be okay. Anyway, those brothers in the convoy should be okay because I turned the street signs around so that no matter which way they go, the convoy will go the wrong way and wind up driving into the boonies [[thanks Bugs Bunny for the idea). And let those brothers know that I'll create a program that'll pay for their DNA tests if they send in an application and a small $599 fee to my campaign fund. And I'll wipe their child support off the books if they send me half of what they save. I'm all for making sure my homeboys have a fair chance to succeed. That's why I need them to vote early and to vote often. It's not just about me being rich. I mean, it's not just about me being president. It's about uplifting my people and getting these baby mamas off my butt. Hard to concentrate when I'm in court every other day. [[I'm gonna have the FDA put a male version of the Pill on fast track, this is ridiculous... Where'd all of these greedy irresponsible women come from anyway???!). But I'm a proud papa. My last family picture was actually a billboard because it was the only way to get everybody in the same shot. But I hear the Whites House has plenty of bedrooms so maybe I can save on some of that child support when I take residence. Only if I win. So let me know when I can get another four boxes of absentee ballots filled out. I just got them printed up. Thanks again, Bruh!
Vote For Jerry If You Don't Want To Pay Taxes, Need Free Healthcare And He'll Give You A Monthly $500 Voucher For Every Hooch House In Da Hood.
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SIR,I'LL GET THOSE BALLOTS FILLED OUT PRONTO..THE GOOD SENIORS DOWN AT THE[BOTTOM OF DA BARROLL SENIOR CITIZENS JOINT AND WINETASTING EMPORIUM]...[they'll sign anything that gets em outta their rooms]AND THE FACT THAT MOST OF EM DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHO THEY ARE OR WHERE THEY ARE HELPS...[I just slip the attendant a renewed foodstamp card and he'll have em lined up]DISHIKI DOUG IS GONNA WEAR A TIE WITH HIS DISHIKI...[HE HASN'T WORN ANYTHING ELSE SINCE 1972]SO THE COPS WON'T KNOW IT'S HIM...[he'll speak in sign due to the lockjaw he got from eating at Grady's two weeks ago]BUT SINCE DOUG ONLY FINISHED SECOND GRADE,DUUFUSS WILL HELP HIM OUT,THE PEOPLE ARE EXCITED...[this rally is on the same day as the stimulus surplusses are coming]SO IT'LL BE BIG CROWDS,FOLKS ARE LINED UP AT THE GOVERNMENT HANDOUT OFFICE WHICH IS NEXT TO DA LIQUOR STORE...CONTROVERSY IS BREWING OVER WHICH ANTHEM SHOULD BE USED TO OPEN THE RALLY...TALKIN LOUD AND SAYIN NOTHIN OR ARE YOU MY DADDY WHICH WILL BE SUNG BY THE TINY TYKES OF DA HOOD...HOPE YOU CAN MAKE IT SIR!!
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Just got a box of ballots [[thanks!) and for the most part, it looks okay. But can you find out which nursing home Bessie Washburn lives in? Instead of signing some of the ballots a name from the list that was provided, she scribbled "Bessie Washburn, but who cares since her kids seem to forget that she even exists? By the way, who makes up the menu in this place anyway, somebody who thinks there's a secret recipe for Alpo?" on a dozen ballots. That might elicit a little bit of concern from the officials that something might not be right. I'm thinking we should exclude Bessie from the next few boxes. And find out if Grady's working overtime at the nursing home. Alpo is one of his key ingredients in his meatloaf and sloppy joes but I don't know if it's safe for the elderly to eat them because Grady serves meatloaf and sloppy joes with his world infamous Mac and Cheese and the last time I heard, Mac had warrants for theft and Cheese had been prevented from working with food because she "samples" a little bit of every dish she serves and people think she's pretty gross. I talked to Grady about this once and he asked if I enjoyed his chicken heart and spinach lasagna [[which he knows I do since I order it three, four times a week) and when I told him I do, he told me to mind my own business. But if anything is missing from the nursing home, I'd suspect it was because of Mac and if anything's missing from the old folks' plates, check the corners of Cheese's mouth [[she needs to stop it). Besides, Grady has been warned by the health department to stop serving senior citizens since four of them were found to be embalmed before they got to the mortuary last year and it turned out they all had receipts from his joint [[that's why Grady stopped giving receipts). Anyways, good looking out again. When I'm president, we'll need to figure out whether you want a set sum of the loot that I collect for my inaugural bash or a percentage of the total gate. But I'm going to hook you up.
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WELL,THANK YOU SIR FOR THE GENEROUS OFFER...[I 'll settle for the loot]NOW I'M GONNA HAVE MY PEOPLES LOOK INTO THE MATTER OF MISS BESSIE...[I think she knew my great,great,great granddad back in the day]AS FOR MAC & CHEESE,THEY WERE RUN OUT OF DA HOOD WAY BACK FOR SERVING THINGS THAT,LET'S JUST SAY WEREN'T QUITE RIGHT,AND THE THING THAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW IS THAT THOSE TWO WERE GRADY'S MENTORS...[everything he knows about cooking he learned from them]WHICH EXPLAINS SOME THINGS,LEGEND HAS IT THAT THOSE TWO WERE GIVEN A CHOICE-LEAVE OR GET TARRED AND FEATHERED BUT GRADY HAS SEVERAL PROPERTIES IN DA HOOD SO IT SEEMS THAT HE'S BEEN HIDING THEM...MAC & CHEESETAUGHT GRADY ALL THE TRICKS SUCH AS SCRAPING PAINTCHIPS OFF OF WALLS AND SERVE THEM AS SPICES OR THE SECRET OF HIS INFAMOUS-CHILLY-CHILL CHILL...[you don't wanna know]THOSE TWO ARE A MENACE TO DA HOOD'S HEALTH...[they're much worst that Grady and it don't get no worst than him]NOW AS FOR MISS BESSIE IT SEEMS THAT SHE WAS KINDA FRISKY SHALL WE SAY,AND GREAT,GREAT,GREAT GRANDDAD TOOK NOTICE WHICH WOULD'VE BEEN COOL EXCEPT THAT HE WAS MARRIED WITH TWENTY FIVE KIDS,AND HIS DEAR WIFE-GREAT,GREAT,GREAT GRANDMA WAS DA HOOD RECORDS KEEPER...[78's-33's because she had the only victrola in da hood]OH AND SHE KEPT BIRTH RECORDS AS HER DAY JOB,SO WHEN SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE FLIRTATION MISS BESSIE'S RECORDS DISAPPEARED WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HER OFFSPRING HAVE NO MEMORY OF HER,LEGEND HAS IT THAT MISS BESSIE RAN THE LOCAL EATERY AND THE RELATIVES OF[MAC&CHEESE]SUPPLED HER INGREDIENTS WHICH EXPLAINS HOW GRADY GOT INVOLVED YEARS LATER,WELL SIR THAT'S THE STORY SO FAR BUT I GOT MY PEEPS ON IT AND THE TRUTH[or something]WILL BE FOUND..I'LL BE IN TOUCH SIR!!
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There's a million stories in the naked hood. And most of the stories have naked people in them. I didn't know that about Ms. Bessie but it explains why she locked me in her room last week before telling me to "strip and dance like a little monkey". She got mad and threw her dentures at me after I told her that my clothes were locked [[I lost the key) and that I only do big monkey dances. She swore to sabotage my campaign and that nobody would ever want to vote for me again [[glad I told her my name George W. Bush). I jumped out of a window and landed on Mac who was running on the sidewalk outside after he stole the safe out of the cafeteria and unfortunately, the cops caught him. I got $21.85 from Crime Solvers but now everybody at the senior home is calling me a narc and I'm gonna have a heck of a time promising them enough kickbacks in their Social Security in order to get their confidence and votes back. To make things worse, Cheese saw that the fall knocked the wind out of me, she tried to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation and thanks to the fact that she had enough food stuck in the corner of her mouth to feed an Indian orphanage I got sick and won't likely be eating again for weeks. But thank goodness I never took that IV back after I found it in the back of that abandoned ambulance. I can just get my nutrients intravenously until I get my appetite back. I asked her if she ever brushed her teeth and she said she did before pulling out a hair brush and began using it to brush her teeth. Personally, I might not go back to that senior home for a few weeks unless they can lock up Bessie and keep those old folks quiet about me bing a narc because I need to maintain my street cred. It was a horrible all around experience but I'll survive. We're getting closer and closer to election day. Remember:
Vote For Jerry If You Don't Want To Pay Taxes, Need Free Healthcare And He'll Give You A Monthly $500 Voucher For Every Hooch House In Da Hood.
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SIR YOU'RE A LEGEND FOR THE FOLKS HERE IN DA HOOD,AN EXSPI-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AN INSPIRATION TO ONE AND ALL...[and they hope to get paid]NOW IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME OF THE LEADING HOLY MEN HERE WANT TO BE A PART OF HISTORY...[and break off a piece of change]SUCH AS THE BENEDICTION FOR SUCCESS WHICH IS A PART OF THE CEREMONY ON YOUR BIG DAY,NOW WE HAVE SEVERAL CROOKS-OPP-ERR-AHEM-HEHE...CHRISTIAN PASTORIALS HERE AND A COUPLE OF JUDGES TOO,SUCH AS THE DISHON-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..DISTINGUISHED [JUDGE GAVEL] FROM THE SUPREME COURT PROJECTS ON THE WEST SIDE WHO USED TO JUDGE THE FINANCIAL BUSINESS IN DA HOOD...[until it was discovered that the good judge was putting finances into his business first]BUT HE'S BEEN A MODEL CITIZEN SINCE HIS RELEASE,THERE'S ALSO THE [RIGHTOUS REVEREND RIGHTSIDE]WHOSE [CHURCH OF THE PASSING PLATE]HAS QUITE A FOLLOWING...[including the IRS agents who are still trying to figure where all those donations went back in 1949]BUT NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN PROVEN,AND THERE'S THE[BISHOP BILTEMIFYOUCAN]OF THE[BETTER TO GIVE BAPTIST CHURCH]THESE PARISITES-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..THESE PILLARS OF DA HOOD HOPE THAT YOU WON'T FORGET THEM ON YOUR BIG DAY...[sir they have large followings and most of them actually vote if you get my drift]SO SIR JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT...IT'S NOT A BAD THING TO HAVE THESE HOLY MEN ON YOUR SIDE..RUN JERRY RUN!!
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I'm glad you told me that. I'm going to send my spiritual advisor, the Rev. Doctor Deacon Brother Minister Prophet Oley "Moley" Holey to talk to them right away. Rev. "Moley" Holey has a way with words that just makes folks want to give and I'm pretty sure he can talk both of those ministers into coughing up enough loot to allow them to speak at my inauguration service. He'll tell 'em that their Sunday morning public access viewership will triple once people know who they are [[but nothing comes for free). I'm looking forward to hearing the good word [[which in this case is "Yes, we'll write the checks right away, Rev. 'Moley' Holey") and we'll get them scheduled. So glad to do my part to make sure the sheep in my community get fleeced regularly because I saw on a PBS show that sheep need to be fleeced, which is one of Rev. "Moley" Holey's favorite catch phrases and if they're being fleeced, I want my cut. It's almost time for me to shave [[it's been three weeks!) and shaving cream ain't free. Anyways, tell the good men that I'll send my emissary over on Sunday morning and if they don't want to write checks, cash is accepted [[and easier to clean). Good looking out. I'm trying to get into the debates but they blocked my number and I need to get a burner phone to try to call again. This thing is looking better all the time.
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WOW SIR YOU KNOW THE REVEREND DOCTOR DEACON? SIR YOU KNOW ALL THE LEEC-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..ALL THE LEGENDS,LEGEND HAS IT THAT HE CAME THROUGH DA HOOD YEARS AGO ON HIS INFAMOUS[HOLY ROLL EM TOUR]AND WHEN HE LEFT TWENTY MINUTES LATER THERE WASN'T A DOLLAR LEFT....[he even got Grady to fork over some cash]THE HOLY MEN HERE IDOLIZE THE REV.DOCTOR DEACON,THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD!
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Yeah, I've known him since I was a kid. My great-uncle is the one who asked him as a child why he had all of those moles and that's where he got his nickname. He took offense because before that, he thought they were gerbils and he didn't appreciate finding out they were moles. Until that, he was just ol' Oley Holey. But once he got that nickname, he swore vengeance on the world and the brakes came off. He blackmailed the president of a seminary into giving him a diploma and appointing him as a preacher and since then, he's been one of the top infomercial ministers on the east coast. And he's really good too. He once convinced a homeless man who said he had nothing to sell his underwear so he could give the good reverend enough money for a can of pop. "Everybody has something," the minister once told me. "And everybody's gonna give it to me." I'll never forget the time he had a marathon service and he talked so long and so slowly, everybody in the congregation fell asleep and he had his deacons pick their pockets. He's smart, too because he took half of the loot and bought tacos from a food truck and when the people woke up, he fed them and by the time they realized they were ripped off, nobody thought that the same man who gave them all of that good food was the one who took their wallets. There was a huge fight in the parking lot after that service of people who thought other church members took their stuff and Rev. "Moley" Holey took video footage of it and sold it to TMZ. And then there was that time when he told me he learned a new magic trick. He asked if I had a $10 bill and when I produced one, he disappeared. Still don't know how he did that. He was going to name Mac 'n Cheese as his underbosses but they decided they'd rather go into politics than religion and now they're running for mayor. Anyway, I was gonna call him before I remembered lending him my cell phone so I need to find a quarter and a phone booth so I can touch bases. I'll let you know when he's coming through.
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Wow,sir this guy is a legend..i'm gonna put in a call to the legendary docu-series folks...twenty minutes-they get all the celebs that past through..this is gonna be good!!
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I dunno if that's a good idea. If 20 Minutes does a story on him, he's going to take them to court and get 10 of those minutes. This brother doesn't play and as he once said in a sermon, "Jesus forgives. I get even". He sues everybody who puts his face on TV if it's not in an infomercial. As a matter of fact, a local station did a story on him after it was discovered that the printer in the church basement was being used to print money and he sued them for leaving "Brother" out of his title when they mentioned him and now, the call letters of the station are WMOL and his infomercial airs for free nine times a week. To show that there were no hard feelings, he offered to baptize the station's lawyer and when he did, he held him under the water until he swore to [[in the reverend's words) "never do that sh** again". He does not mess around.
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Wow,sir i'm memsmerized,would he give an exclusive interview to the one and only..scoop scoopy scoop?