Just a chime....or??

[Jerry Oz]

He just hasn't met the guy with the right jokes. And I've got tons of 'em.

[144man]

I'll see you on visiting days.

[Jerry Oz]

We will see... If so I'll be a cut-up telling my jokes to a bunch of cutthroats.

[arr&bee]

I'M LOOKING FOR A WAY OUT,I GOT IT WE'LL TELL LARDASS THAT YOUR PSYCHIATRIST[the one i'm smuggling in]SAYS THAT JOKES ARE PART OF YOUR TREATMENT PLAN,AND KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED.

[144man]

He'll get you for contempt of court.

[arr&bee]

He can't get jerry on that old trick,he's always had contempt for the court..i'll get a writ of contemptabus silabus and we'll be home free.

[westgrandboulevard]

Wouldn't a stick of dynamite be more effective?

[Jerry Oz]

Don't worry guys. I'll charm his pants off of him. Let's just hope he's not a blonde or married to a farmer's daughter.

[arr&bee]

Whao big boy,i don't have enough writs to practice that kind of law.

[Jerry Oz]

I bowled with a lawyer once. He bowled three straight perfect games. When I asked how he did it, he explained that it's all in the writs.

[arr&bee]

REMEMBER JERRY,THE WRITS NEVER LIE...[of course if you read the fine print therein lies the lies]BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT FROM ME.

[Jerry Oz]

And lawyers never lie, either. Well, unless their lips are moving...

[arr&bee]

I'll have to get a writ on that.

[Jerry Oz]

Not a problem. I'll get my brother on it. A word of warning, though: He's got a bit of a dry writ.

[arr&bee]

I know your brother,he was with that law firm..writ don't sit.

[Jerry Oz]

That's him. But he started out working for O'Shitt, Welosttit, and Noweowe. They didn't win a lot of cases, though.

[westgrandboulevard]

Didn't win a lot in the casinos either, I suspect.

[Jerry Oz]

They were relatively successful. They only lost the last hand of the night, going home broke after coming that close ​ to bring rich every single time.

[westgrandboulevard]

Can well understand. I'll bet that's happened to so many of us.

[Jerry Oz]

It's not like most things. You can win 90% of your hands [[9 of 10) and go home busted because of the one you lost if it's the last one. Just enough objective proof that you're 'successful' in spite of your total lack of success.

[westgrandboulevard]

It's a thread, a logical sequence. If indeed there are any consistently lucky gamblers, they must know almost exactly when to leave, to remain successful. Otherwise, the sequence just rolls, and rolls away in their disfavour.

'Logical sequence' reminds me of when looking for a missing personal item. You know you 'have it here, somewhere', so go hunting through drawers, cabinets, files, whatever.

When it comes to light, it is invariably described as being found 'in the last place I looked'. Well, of course it was....:rolleyes:

[144man]

...because once you find it you stop looking. Amazing how people can't just say it was in the last place they expected :confused:

[westgrandboulevard]

Exactly. But then, if they were more exact, it wouldn't be misplaced in the first, or even the last place, would it....:)

[Jerry Oz]

Why do we look in places that we know it can't be? For example: Looking for your house keys in the garage when you know you had to have them to get in the house. Our in a cluttered drawer that I don't use for keys. I can't remember where they are, but I feel sooooo dumb looking for something where I know they aren't. Ostensibly to cover my bases, I guess but it's a waste of time and effort.

I'll bet I'm the only one who does that, though...

[westgrandboulevard]

Distraction, something out of the ordinary, can cause me to misplace something. Something said or done which then causes me to lose focus, and put keys or paperwork, or just about anything, down just where and when the distraction is taking place. I then have to retrace my steps and activities in my mind. It happened to me this afternoon. I cannot find a business order, simply to place in the 'ordered' section of the file - and I cannot think what I have done with that particular paperwork, which is mainly printout of emails, so it's not a disaster. But still it niggles....

It niggles with me because it's my own fault. Yes, I can also resort to seeking something in places even when I know full well it won't be there. It's a combination of impatience and irritation with the loss, plus haste in wishing to find the missing item. In other words, to get it sorted. 'Ostensible' is a very apt word, in that situation. [[I bet Arr&bee will Google that one :))

[Jerry Oz]

Consider my last job when I sometimes had to look for lost keys or paperwork in a 472K square foot warehouse [[and sometimes outside, as well). So frustrating to look high and low several times only to find out it was left on a copier that I didn't normally use our on the desk of a colleague whose phone I borrowed to answer a page.

[westgrandboulevard]

The alternative is to watch oneself like a hawk, and record [[mentally and/or by making physical notes) your progress through the day.

Downside : every one else then quickly learns to ask if you have remembered this or that [[as they have forgotten), while the same 'every one else' harbours unspoken [[until your back is turned) suspicions of OCD in your behaviour....

[arr&bee]

They once hired a hawk to watch me,haaaaaaaaaa i drove that bird to drink.

[Jerry Oz]

You drive him to drink? Please tell me you didn't drink as well before driving home... Stevie said don't drive drunk, you know.

[westgrandboulevard]

I wouldn't want to be driven by Stevie, even if sober.

[Jerry Oz]

I would almost swear that I've driven behind him in traffic a few times...

[westgrandboulevard]

They are certainly out there, aren't they. The worst ones are some of those coming from the opposite direction.

I try to drive well, but have often wondered what it must be like for others to drive behind me...

[Jerry Oz]

Let me know when you're driving and I'll text you with the answer to that question.

[westgrandboulevard]

Ha! I often see signs on the backs of lorries - 'How am I driving?', and a free phone number - and think " As if anyone would answer, listen or even care about my little old message" :rolleyes:

[Jerry Oz]

Consider how many have likely crashed while trying to jot down the phone numbers while negotiating traffic behind a bad driver with one of those bumper stickers on his truck.

[arr&bee]

Hey west i tried to drive one of those english cars with the steering wheel on the wrong side,but i kept going down one way streets.

[Jerry Oz]

Me too. I tried to flip off the guy behind me but kept using the wrong hand.

[arr&bee]

I went up a hill backwards,those cars are a trip...backwards.

[westgrandboulevard]

Our winding country roads are based on old cattle tracks. With SatNav, you always end up in a farmyard.

[Jerry Oz]

You can really moove on those cattle tracks.

[westgrandboulevard]

Only if you remember to sound your horn.

[Jerry Oz]

And as long as you don't milk the situation...

[westgrandboulevard]

One should be udderly discreet, always.

[Jerry Oz]

And don't get too low about it...

[westgrandboulevard]

This is becoming cheesy :)

[arr&bee]

Do english cow moo in the kings english?

[westgrandboulevard]

"Good Moooooning!" is the correct version, but the accents vary between the counties....

[Jerry Oz]

Especially when it comes to that darned Cowckney Accent...

[arr&bee]

Now when i milk em,is it from the left side or the right?

[Jerry Oz]

It depends. I think you milk American cows from the right and English cows from the left. Unless you milk them in San Francisco, where many have been swinging both ways for decades.

[arr&bee]

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,i'll stick to jersey cows,nobody pays em any attention.

[Jerry Oz]

Maybe that's a butter idea.

[westgrandboulevard]

Milk from Jersey cows makes better butter, but the fat may not keep you fit.

[arr&bee]

Will they give better milk if i hang up a pic of[hm].

[Jerry Oz]

They'll give better milk as long as you don't give them a lot of bull.

[arr&bee]

As in the sclitz malt liquor bull?

[Jerry Oz]

As in 'you're full of bullschlitz' bull.

[westgrandboulevard]

Similar to what those cows think when the vet approaches them with a tube.

[arr&bee]

The cows tell me they hate it when that happens..moooooooooooo!!!

[Jerry Oz]

A tube and not so much as a nice dinner before knocking her up...

[arr&bee]

Those cows are so mad they're uttering to themselves.

[Jerry Oz]

I know. I tried to interview one of them about it and she cud me out.

[arr&bee]

She knew that you would milk the interview.

[Jerry Oz]

I still submitted my story on time, for butter or worse.

[arr&bee]

You got to the cream of the story.

[144man]

Nothing got in the whey.

[arr&bee]

This hoof is in the pudding.

[Jerry Oz]

My editor that it was a bit cheesy.

[westgrandboulevard]

Said it began to grate....

[arr&bee]

The cows in question have been moooooooooooooved to another location.

[Jerry Oz]

I'll get on the horn to let everybody knew.

[arr&bee]

They wanted to herd em to one spot,but they were bullheaded about it.

[westgrandboulevard]

They were trying to steer them in the wrong direction.

[Jerry Oz]

Yeah, they smelled something fishy and hoofed it.

[arr&bee]

Somebody was trying to horn in on em.

[Jerry Oz]

Well, they were very close to a clean getaway but somebody T-boned their car and the cops nabbed them. Now you can find them in the cooler.

[arr&bee]

They wanted to hire me to get em out,but all they had to offer was a steak dinner.

[Jerry Oz]

Well, you know the steaks are high in a situation like this one.

[westgrandboulevard]

They have to think quickly on their hooves.

[Jerry Oz]

You have to be able to do that. Cows always have to worry about what [[or who) exactly is on the menu if a friend wants to have them for dinner.

[arr&bee]

I was out with my cow friends,and they had invited some chickens too,but the chickens were a bit nervous.

[144man]

We got chicken in the barn, whose barn, what barn, my barn? There's a whole lotta shaking going on, so they really are nervous.

[Jerry Oz]

That's clucked up.

[arr&bee]

Cluckle bells,cluckle bells,cluckle all the way.

[Jerry Oz]

I don't know about that... If it's too far, I might just cluck for a few minutes.

[arr&bee]

Alrighty then,and with that we're moving on.

[Jerry Oz]

Lead on, McDuff.

[arr&bee]

Hehheeheheheheheheehehehehehehehehe...jerry you crack me up.

[arr&bee]

We were about to fall off the charts,pay attention.

[Jerry Oz]

Too broke to pay attention. I can write out an IOU, though if you'll provide collateral.

[arr&bee]

Hey jerry,remember the fall of the roman empire?well it all started when my ancestor provided collateral.

[Jerry Oz]

That changes things... My cousin Bootsy worked at a Mexican restaurant when that went down and he still hasn't gotten paid for his last week of working. He brings it up at every picnic.

[arr&bee]

Hey i used to hang around that place,the owner still has the first peso he ever earned,if he paid you minimum wage it would've been a step up.

[Jerry Oz]

Well, Biggie said it: "Mo' money, mo' problems." Somehow, I think that I'm proof of that being untrue, if not impossible.

[arr&bee]

I got no money,but i'm happy,as a matter of fact i'm always happy.

[westgrandboulevard]

Worrying what to do with many millions of dollars can often seem to make people unhappy.

[arr&bee]

Money has no redeeming value,all you can do is spend it.

[westgrandboulevard]

Time is far more valuable, and we never get that back, either.

[arr&bee]

I actually did get some back,but it had expired.

[westgrandboulevard]

Past its sell-by date.

[arr&bee]

Oh i see you have some of my products,hehehe.

[westgrandboulevard]

The dates shown were, of course, simply typos.

[Jerry Oz]

You both have it all wrong. After I get my millions, the first thing I'll do is start harvesting organs from third world street people to give me as much time as possible. It takes a lot of money to do that, so if time = happiness and money = time thru harvesting, then it stands to reason that money = happiness.

It's simple algebra.

[westgrandboulevard]

It's simple daydreaming, that's what it is......:rolleyes:

[Jerry Oz]

I'll get a few for you, too. What's your blood type?

[westgrandboulevard]

Red........

[Jerry Oz]

My cousin Winona once wrote that on a questionnaire in her high school health class. And you wonder why some teachers drink, eh?

[westgrandboulevard]

I actually don't know my blood type. I assume it's written on my medical notes....

[Jerry Oz]

I don't know mine, either. I think it is A-positive. But with that being said, I would probably write 'I dunno' on the questionnaire instead of 'red'... That still cracks me up.

[westgrandboulevard]

Everywhere I go - shops, restaurants, internet - everyone wants me to complete a questionnaire, which may win me a cash prize.....

[144man]

1. Which shops did you visit today?

2. What is the name of your favourite restaurant?

3. Which browser do you use?

Answer the above and you may win a cash prize.

[Jerry Oz]

Don't forget the 'call the number on your receipt within 24 hours and answer the short questionnaire to be registered for the chance to win a $500 shopping spree' promotion.

[westgrandboulevard]

I'm saying nothing, and I bet that call number is premium rate.

And rarely do I hear who was a winner.....

[Jerry Oz]

The chances should be pretty good because I can't imagine too many people do it. I certainly cannot imagine myself doing it.

[westgrandboulevard]

I think you may be underestimating the response to these surveys/questionnaires...

I quote you from a ticket that I'm looking at right now, passed to me by a team member on the visit to the supermarket just yesterday :

"Take part in our short survey and we'll give you 25 Clubcard points and enter you into a prize draw to win a £1000 Tesco gift card"......

[arr&bee]

See this is why you should always deal with who you know...[me]no surveys,no waste of your precious time,just tell me what you need and i'll have my crim..opps-err-ahem-hehe,associates get it for you.

[westgrandboulevard]

I just have a feeling that your 'crim..opps-err-ahem-hehe,associates' would get it for me,whatever it was, and I would only have to ask.

Except that, most times, I wouldn't even have to ask, and I would still get it - and that would be whether I liked it or not......:rolleyes:

[arr&bee]

West,i'm here to serve a mere serpent of the people,your wish is my command...[at only 1,000%above factory invoice]and my crim..opps-err-ahem-hehe cronies are all over the globe to steal...opps-err-ahem hehe..to secure whatever your heart desires.

[westgrandboulevard]

I'd better double-lock the door.....

[arr&bee]

Haaaaaaaaaaaa,west you're a funny fellow.

[westgrandboulevard]

Please ask your 'gentlemen' to leave any indications of good intentions under the doormat.

Until then, no-one at home.....

[arr&bee]

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...i 'm on the floor you're killin me over here,stop it...and they say the english have no sense of humor,west you're on your way,you're the next[stan laurel].

[westgrandboulevard]

We do have a sense of humour. We sent you Bob Hope. He left because he knew we'd never make him King.

[arr&bee]

Thanks for the memories.

[westgrandboulevard]

For those of you who still have them.....

[arr&bee]

Bob hope was the best[white]standup comedian of all time.

[Jerry Oz]

Bold statement. I loved Bob Hope, but Rodney Dangerfield changed the game for a great many comedians by introducing quirks into his act. Don Rickles absolutely defined insult comedy, well before Joan Rivers perfected it. Johnny Carson and Lenny Bruce had superb timing. Andy Kauffman could set up his closing joke with his first sentence. And Steve Martin and Robin Williams were hyper unique in their presentations.

If I had to choose from them, I'd give it to Steve Martin, who literally changed the game for a lot of folks. He was relatively unknown he started showing up on 'Saturday Night Live' with rabbit ears and a bent arrow going through his head. And then he perfected a tag-line for the ages. And if you don't agree with me, 'Well, excuuuuuuuuuse me!"

[arr&bee]

You're excused,the names you mentioned are legends of course,but for my money bob hope was...da man!!

[Jerry Oz]

He had supreme timing on stage and film. That's the most important factor to being a great comedian. He could open or narrow his eyes just a little to convey his thought and crack me up. And didn't it seem like he always had a semi-smile that put your mind to want to laugh, even when he was setting up the joke? I'll never forget the first time I saw 'The Lemon Drop Kid' as a boy. He was a true legend of comedy.

[westgrandboulevard]

Another gift from us in the UK, to you in the US.

In return, I enjoyed Jack Benny and Jonathan Winters....

[Jerry Oz]

I didn't know that he was a citizen of the UK until this post. You learn something new everyday. Well, I do, anyway.

[westgrandboulevard]

So do I. Yesterday, I didn't know that you didn't know that Bob Hope was born on this side of the Atlantic.

So that's double proof of it's not where you start, it's where you finish.

[Jerry Oz]

That's true. In the past, I have had trouble finishing thi

[westgrandboulevard]

Lost for words....

[Jerry Oz]

And with that, I'm opening my book to add a few. It's time.

[westgrandboulevard]

Two important words : The End. Then work it back from there....

[Jerry Oz]

It takes a little more than that, I'm afraid. I'm handling it like I do when I draw a figure. First a stick man, followed by boxes and circles for weight. Then clothes, folds and wrinkles, shadow, and detail. Writing without structure takes forever and leads to an ugly, unrealistic story. It will probably be ugly and unrealistic anyway, but not because I didn't approach it correctly.

[westgrandboulevard]

You could be getting just a bit hidebound there, Jerry, on being 'correct'.

It won't be anything until first you do write something, and continue with it. It will almost certainly be edited by yourself at some point.

If it's difficult to get going, just make points [[it's easier on paper) of key words, any key words, which spring to mind. Each one is likely to bring more. Keep a notebook with you at all times.

Consider what you have recently written on this forum, very often making a response on something you were not anticipating, and posted it quickly and composed well. Then multiply it...and that is a most realistic potential for you.:)

[Jerry Oz]

You miss my point. Here's how I sketch while writing:

The story - A man walks to the mailbox to pick up a letter.

The plot points - He must take note of his surroundings, navigate through his neighborhood, consider what he's doing, and after reaching the mailbox, retrieve his parcel.

Story elements - His name is Bob Hardy, he lives on Elm Street, he lives in Baymont, and the mailbox is on Tarlton Ave.

Delineation - Bob Hardy opened the door and looked outside, his heart pumping excitedly. His journey would be brief, but he knew that what he found at the end could change his life in many ways. For better or worse. But for a man in a rut, any change would be welcome and he sought it without pause.

He stepped through the door and onto his porch to find a beautiful, if unspectacular spring day greeted him. The air was warm and the sky, although partially cloudy, was an encouraging shade of blue. In the distance, he heard children playing and birds singing songs of the season. Fantastic, he thought. This could be my day.

And with that final consideration, he stepped from the porch, walked down his sidewalk to the little gate at the end, and opened it. It creaked a little when he swung it toward himself; the sound was old and somewhat irritating and seemed out of place with everything else that he was experiencing. Whereas he normally associated that sound with the state of his existence - a sound of age and decay, needing but never receiving necessary maintenance - today, it was just one of the many things in the periphery of what would be a special day.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

So, my point is that I approach the writing after knowing certain things so that I'm not coming up with plot and major points as a result of typing. That stuff is already worked out. I know where the story is going, how it will get there, and how it will conclude. I will write, rewrite, and re-rewrite the details [[all the while checking for appropriate grammar and tone) over the next few or many months. Failing to do that is why I've always stalled in the past, so I'm confident I'll have something worth reading [[to me, at least) this time at the end of the process.

[westgrandboulevard]

No, I don't think I have missed your point [[I rarely do, although I understand it may well seem so), but perhaps have just skipped ahead a bit. You could well find that your original plot and major points develop a momentum of their own which leave even you thinking "hmmmmm...".., although that won't happen until you have undertaken the initial typing.

Yes, agreed, you do have to keep going with the output, and not be erratic. Otherwise, it's a dream inside your head. Best to have a daily target of words...even if, after reading it back, it resembles porridge!

It sounds good so far, though I wouldn't want to read too much more text to find out what happened next with Bob Hardy, and, more interestingly, just why it is going to be a special day for him.

You're giving a methodical, chronological account of his actions, which of course is fine, but the reader might naturally take some of it 'as read', or 'goes without saying'. Implicit. [[e.g. I don't need to tell you I just opened up this computer to post these words to you....unless....it is essential to the plot of anything I was composing...which may well be your initial intention) .

It would be more concise [[and which, again, may well indeed be your intention) to start with 'Bob Hardy opened the door..' [[or similar) and then insert essential details from 'the story', 'the plot points' and 'story elements' into the text which follows, deleting any extraneous words.

Just saying, from the point of view of 'the reader'.

Write one piece of work which is enjoyed by others, and the thought that you are composing more will certainly keep up their interest...LOL

[Jerry Oz]

Ummm... You know that's not my story, right? It's just an example of how I start with a framework and add layers to it to create the story. The story that I'd write following 'Bob Hardy's Big Day' would be 'Jerry Oz Eats A Bullet'.

[westgrandboulevard]

The progression would still be broadly similar.

I must say I could more readily identify with 'Bob Hardy's Big Day' than 'Jerry Oz Eats A Bullet'...LOL

[Jerry Oz]

Me too. Boy, the end of that book would really be 'the end'.

[westgrandboulevard]

Well, y'know, I've been thinking about that in the kitchen, while making my own dinner tonight [[as well as stirring the pot right here, of course...)

Just suppose Bob Hardy's Big Day had the potential of being as horrific to others, as it was special to him. Suppose, while everything outwardly appeared calm and idyllic, he walked through the creaking gate, intent on committing a massacre...

[Jerry Oz]

I like it when film directors take you one direction before totally pulling the rug out from underneath you with a revelation. You have to be careful to set something up like that or it becomes cheesy. And the big problem with movie trailers is that they too often reveal the surprise at the expense of it blowing the viewer away. I'll bet directors hate that.

[arr&bee]

Once upon a time....darn it!!!!

[westgrandboulevard]

Yes, agreed, the trailing of movies is so fast and frentic, you feel you've seen it before you actually do - if indeed, that actually happens.

The most successful way to deal with the public is to enourage them all the way to feel it is they who are making the decisions, and are working at their own pace with the project being presented to them - in other words, they have to feel drawn in, and feel a need to 'stay tuned', at least for half the running length.

Hitting them over the heads with loud clips must lose a lot of possible interest from potential punters, before many are even aware of it. Recommendation of a movie is most effective, but also slower in practice to get a response.

[Jerry Oz]

A lot of movies know they won't get word of mouth, so they put as many butts in the seats on opening night as possible. And I hate movies that confuse sudden loud noises with being scary. It's not scaring the viewers if you have a cat jump from behind a trash can screaming like a banshee during a quiet scene. It's insulting them.

On the flip side, every once and again, a main character gets killed halfway into the movie and it makes you wonder who the protagonist actually is if anybody can die. Those tend to grab my attention, at least for the rest of the way if not up until that point. That happened in 'To Live and Die In LA' and 'Friday the 13th'.

[Jerry Oz]

Once upon a time....darn it!!!!
I can't speak for WGB, but I'm dying to find out what happened next.

[arr&bee]

Hey jerry if you find out let me know.

[westgrandboulevard]

Here goes another thread, completely without direction, in freefall......:rolleyes:

[westgrandboulevard]

And on the subject of scary movies, 'Jaws' was far more scary when you didn't see the shark....

[Jerry Oz]

Or think about the fact that an air tank shouldn't logically blow up like five sticks of dynamite when shot with a bullet. Who would swim with something like that on their backs?

And jaws was a great movie that scared you without startling you.

[arr&bee]

After that flick i wouldn't get in the tub for years.

[westgrandboulevard]

Did you get in the tub for years before that flick?

[arr&bee]

Yep,but only with dry ice.

[westgrandboulevard]

And a stylist.....

[Jerry Oz]

I'd think he would be more likely to have a stylus. And an old record to play with it. As would we all...

[westgrandboulevard]

I've enough hiss in my ears at the best of times, without an old record playing...so I'll stick my CDs...as out-of-date as they are now supposed to be....

[Jerry Oz]

You'd find the fidelity surprisingly high. I forgot how wonderful they sound until I digitized one a couple of years ago.

[westgrandboulevard]

That's not quite the same as actually playing a vinyl record with a stylus - but perhaps you mean the sound source is, for example, warmer in tone...?

[Jerry Oz]

Let's just say that I expected something less nuanced, for some reason. The true advantage of CDs was more in the lack of pops and clicks than it was in being able to convey even subtle sounds much more clearly than vinyl. I thought that it would be like [[to borrow a reference from the main forum) watching a black and white television as opposed to a modern large-screen HD television. Really, it was more like watching a 720p TV instead of a 1080p.

[westgrandboulevard]

I thought CDs were wonderful when they appeared. Just being able to run all those tracks seamlessly, instead of having to turn over the LP/album, or having to stack them - and then finding that they sounded strange, because one was warped - or worrying that they might become scratched [[I was a bit 'precious' with mine, not having much spending money!).

Or...not having to tape everything for a longer playing sequence....

And..being able to shuffle the playing order of the tracks....and also that they would play in a car.....

[Jerry Oz]

They have advantages, at least in format. I remember my friend Loren showed me his CD player, the first I had ever seen or heard of them. I asked him why he paid $800 for something that was sure to be half that price in a year. Loren was always a very practical person and he answered quite assuredly: "Because I want it now."

[arr&bee]

That's what folks say about these wonderful items...they can't wait.

[westgrandboulevard]

Must-haves.....

[arr&bee]

Of course,ihave items that you wouldn't know you needed.

[westgrandboulevard]

I know I've already lost plenty of items I've certainly needed, so I won't need any more items I wouldn't know I needed.....
[[...I think that's right....:confused:...)

[arr&bee]

Not so sure?see what i mean...i have just what you need for that memory loss,a mind thinkabob,one of my many inventions,if you can remember to get back to me on it.

[westgrandboulevard]

You'll find me on Memory Lane.

[arr&bee]

I dated her sisters..lois and lana.

[westgrandboulevard]

Their cousin Della got married, and became Street.

[arr&bee]

Yes i knew her,she dated perry but married richard.

[westgrandboulevard]

I guess that was before or after Cal Gill.......

[Jerry Oz]

I suppose the safest answer to a 'before or after' question would 'yes'.

[westgrandboulevard]

Yes........

[Jerry Oz]

Well, another safe answer would be 'obviously' but that's no way to keep friends...

[westgrandboulevard]

I feel that 'obviously' could also indicate complete agreement - but yes, you just might have to be a little selective when directing that response.

Sometimes, giving an honest response is more important than considering how it may be interpreted.

[Jerry Oz]

Depends on the question. I'm pretty sure you don't want to honestly respond to the 'do these pants make my butt look big?' question that crops up from time to time. Unless you want to interpret why your eye has swollen shut as a result of how the honest response was interpreted.

[westgrandboulevard]

Well yes, I do honestly respond, because it is expected of me.

My response to a 'do these pants make my butt look big?' type question is "if you're asking me, then you feel you may already know the answer, and that's of more importance to you than anything I might say".

[Jerry Oz]

My response is "define 'big'"...

[westgrandboulevard]

You could well find that all else is instantly put on hold, and for some considerable time, while you listen to the definition.....

[Jerry Oz]

What I typically find is that all space and time freezes. A sudden sense of danger crawls over me like ants over a honey-soaked prisoner being executed for crimes against his primitive society. It's at once too late to react and startlingly necessary to take notice of what is about to happen.

I see it, but I cannot avoid it, for although my awareness of the universe has suddenly increased a thousand-fold, it does not increase my ability to change that which has happened and which is destined to happen. It's flying toward me both in super slow motion and at the speed of light. I manage to pee a little anticipation just before it hits my head and breaks into a thousand tiny shards of porcelain which spread across the room like sunlight entering a long-sealed tomb. Time returns to normal when I hear it:

"You owe me a new coffee mug."

[westgrandboulevard]

I shudder to think about the atmosphere at home in the event you leave the toilet seat up....

[Jerry Oz]

I'm pretty sure it would be Super Glued down the second time I did that.

[westgrandboulevard]

...just as long as all concerned ensure that Super Glue is not also applied to the top of the seat....:rolleyes:

[Jerry Oz]

Now that would be a sticky situation.

[westgrandboulevard]

Yes, indeed. Not being able to go is one thing, but not being able to leave is quite another.

[Jerry Oz]

Uggghhh... Reminds me of the most glaringly inappropriate limerick that I [[unfortunately) know. I'll change it to fit the context of the discussion and we'll make it a pay bathroom [[do those exist?).

There once was a lady named Sue,
Who sprayed a toilet seat with glue,
She then said with a grin,
You must pay to get in,
And then pay to get off of it too!

[westgrandboulevard]

Although limericks are nowhere near in such common use now, the tone of it is very typical of what I feel is the rather lavatorial English humour! And yes 'pay-as-you-go' definitely still exists. Used to be called 'spending a penny' in the early-mid 20th century, which is what it cost. In contrast, a lot of public toilets in UK [[or more correctly, lavatories, the name used by the National Trust in all their properties) have been closed.

The one thing in that limerick which jars with me the most is "get off of"......

[arr&bee]

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,there you two go again.

[Jerry Oz]

Not too much in society that is more disturbing than having to use a public john...

[westgrandboulevard]

It can take quite a while to get going - and then, when you eventually do, you can't stop....

[Jerry Oz]

Uggghhhh... I could use a spot of hooch after this convo...

[westgrandboulevard]

Yes, it would make remarkably effective disinfectant. Kills 99.9% of bacteria, and us.

[Jerry Oz]

That reminds me of the old western movies when somebody is about to have a bullet removed. They take a big swig of hooch before the doctor pours it on their wound, making them wince and call out in pain. Maybe we can effectively market hooch to people about to enter the public privy. They can take a swallow before pouring a generous portion on the seat.

[westgrandboulevard]

"Hooch - keeps you clean on the inside, as well as the outside".

[Jerry Oz]

The irony of it is that it takes guts to swig it knowing that you might spew your guts after swigging too much.

[westgrandboulevard]

I trust we're keeping this thread hovering above the level of good taste, even if only just.....:rolleyes:

[arr&bee]

Wow guys i'm flattered,yes this wonderful elixur has and is used for medicinal remedies,oh as for the wincing[movies]one drop of this magic potion and you feel nothing.

[Jerry Oz]

How big a drop? Drops in my neighborhood are pretty big...
http://www.11points.com/images/moonshine.jpg

[144man]

Not too much in society that is more disturbing than having to use a public john...

I've heard that there are more germs lurking on a computer keyboard than on a lavatory seat.

[westgrandboulevard]

Well, that might be a new diagnosis for the doctors : bacterial infection caused by use of computer keyboard.

Will have to risk it. Have just spent an hour trying to send this post by drumming my fingers on a lavatory seat [[lid down, of course) but with no success at all.....

[Jerry Oz]

I've heard that there are more germs lurking on a computer keyboard than on a lavatory seat.
I frequently hear this. What they don't tell you is that the type of bacteria on keyboards is typically very different than those on toilet seats. However, if you are sharing a keyboard with others [[like at a public library or at work, for example) then you are essentially exposed to everything that their [[nasty) hands are exposed to. And I see guys walking out of the bathroom without washing their hands as often as I see them taking 30 seconds to maintain proper hygiene.

[arr&bee]

Nice pic of the original jug used by great,great,great,great,great,great,great[he was great]grandpappy for his first batch,now as for all those germs i have a new invention coming soon...hoochwipes,just wipe one over your keyboard and your worrys are over.

[144man]

I never eat complimentary nuts on a bar now for that reason.

[westgrandboulevard]

Quite so. If you query it, the barman always says it's out of his hands.....

[arr&bee]

Complimentary nut...i always took it as a compliment.

[Jerry Oz]

To say nothing of buffets. All of those nasty fingers touching all of those serving utensils result in a lot of nasty serving utensils just prior to eating what's been served. When i say grace at buffets, it's always a little longer than my normal grace.

[westgrandboulevard]

Not as long as the last rites....

[Jerry Oz]

Words no man wants to hear... Which reminds me of the three words that no man wants to hear from his wife or partner while making love:

"Honey, I'm home!"

[arr&bee]

Or thes three little words..not this decade dear i have a hangover.

[144man]

I may not be a mathematical genius, but isn't that 8 words?

[Jerry Oz]

< Oz breaks out his calculator to do some mathematics... >

Yep. Looks like that is eight words to me as well. But let me check again...

[westgrandboulevard]

Don't knock it. Here is Arr&bee, this time offering us eight words for the price of three, when generally his offer is the exact opposite.

[arr&bee]

Eight words,opps i'll have to add up the difference.

[Jerry Oz]

For only < 1100% over invoice >?

[westgrandboulevard]

Just say the word....

[Jerry Oz]

Which one? Rehab?

[westgrandboulevard]

That would certainly do very nicely.

[Jerry Oz]

Rehab is overrated. I don't need it when I'm sober and they won't let me sign in if I'm drunk. Therefore, I don't need rehab.

An addict's standard line of reason for not straightening out his life.

[arr&bee]

Yep,those addicts,i drink for my condition...[can't put it down]i don't need no rehab thank goodness,well i'm off to see my shrink.

[Jerry Oz]

Rationalization [[I only drink to calm my nerves/take the edge off/relax/help me focus/get me into the mood/have a little fun/when I know that I have nothing else to do) and Denial [[therefore, I don't have a problem) are the main enablers for people with substance abuse problems. At some point it becomes obvious to them that it's all just bull**** and they accept it. Typically, only at the point to total loss will they find the desire to admit they have a problem if not the will to address it.

For example, my wife asks why I'm always in this forum. It's all because of her, so consequently it's her fault, not mine. Right?

[westgrandboulevard]

Mrs Oz could always sign up, and we might all then have a good conversation.

She may enjoy reading your posts on this forum - or, alternatively, she may absolutely not be for 'em.

Every time she asks what you might like for dinner, there would be an immediate spike in the number of posts, giving suggestions......

[Jerry Oz]

She reads my posts when I get up to stretch my legs and she typically doesn't like them. She thinks that some enquiring mind is going to figure out who I am and somehow ruin my life by identity thievery our other shenanigans. When I tell her that is ridiculous and that they'll probably find out about my nosey wife, we tend to get into arguments. Happy happy joy joy.

[arr&bee]

A thief once stole my identity...i wonder if he's prison yet???

[arr&bee]

a thief once stole my identity...i wonder if he's prison yet???opps...if he's out of prison yet,darn hooch.

[Jerry Oz]

If he was a really good identity thief, he might have sent the wrong guy to the joint.

[westgrandboulevard]

...saying "you'll have to excuse me, I'm not quite myself today..."

[Jerry Oz]

Well, perhaps you could see yourself working in the mirror factory one day?

[westgrandboulevard]

On reflection, I feel it would be a shattering experience.

[Jerry Oz]

Perhaps. But speaking of shattering experiences in factories, have I ever told you about when I ran amuck in a muck factory?

[westgrandboulevard]

No, but please go ahead, if you first promise you will clean it up.

[144man]

No. What happened?

[westgrandboulevard]

I feel the ordure is about to hit the fan....

[Jerry Oz]

I just wanted to make sure I didn't tell you. I left that company under a non-disclosure agreement shortly thereafter and would owe them return of the financial settlement if I let slip with the story. But if you want me to run amuck somewhere, let me know. I'm good at it and have a [[non-disclosed) reference on my resume.

[westgrandboulevard]

Every day, something new.

I never, ever thought I'd be discussing future business with someone from the Muck Mafia.

[Jerry Oz]

You don't want to run afoul of them. Nobody wants to get mucked up...

[westgrandboulevard]

If you go muck-slinging, some of it will stick.

[Jerry Oz]

I hope so. I'd hate to go through all of that hard work with nothing to show for it. American muck is 10% heavier than Euro muck.

[westgrandboulevard]

Has it been tested, for you to know that?

[arr&bee]

What the muck is goin on over here???

[westgrandboulevard]

Jerry is feeling down on his muck.

[arr&bee]

Now jerry knows that i carry the best muck in america...at only[1,000%]above factory invoice,plus shipping and handling,so stop mucking around.

[westgrandboulevard]

Where there's muck, there's money.....

[arr&bee]

And i don't muck around when there's money to be made.

[Jerry Oz]

What if I lent you my cousin JoJo' s food stamp card instead of giving you money? There's $37 left on it.

[westgrandboulevard]

$37? A pack of peanuts would seem more appropriate.

[Jerry Oz]

And now, everybody knows it. Thanks for ruining my con, WGB...

< Oz slaps his forehead >

[westgrandboulevard]

I can see that Arr&bee hasn't yet taught you everything he knows.....