Run jerry run!!!

[arr&bee]

JERRY, THIS COUNTRY NEEDS YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER,FOLKS ARE DRINKING LYSOL OUT OF FISHBOWLS,RESTART YOUR CAMPAINE I GOT[3.25]IN NICKLES,DIMES,PENNIES SAVED UP AND I'M DONATING IT TO YOUR CAMPAINE,YOU CAN USE MR.SHROUDS CEMETARY FOR YOUR RALLYS..[the residents will be six feet under so they won't break any laws]EVERYONE IN DA HOOD IS WAITING FOR YOUR RETURN..[this will be the biggest thing in da hood since Grady beat that food poisoning rap six months ago]GIVE IT SOME THOUGH AND GET BACK TO ME..YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAN GET THINGS MOVING AGAIN-RUN JERRY RUN!!

[nativeNY63]

Didn't Unk Grady have something to do with that $25m Chipolte food safety fine?

[arr&bee]

Grady sent a sample of his infamous ribs to chipolte for it's menu,well let's just say that those health records are sealed in a place far away.

[nativeNY63]

Word on the street: Unk Grady is the brains behind Chipolte giving up its world famous guacomole recipe. Something about it's gonna make HIM world famous!!

[Jerry Oz]

I'm gathering my campaign staff as we speak, Jai. I might have a little problem though because I borrowed $250,000 from Arturo "The Murderous Lech" Husiadaddi to get the ball rolling and I might have to hide out for a few weeks. Or years. I did take $50,000 and bought a new Lincoln but I figured I'd have the loot rolling in after investing in oil companies when the price was still $60 a barrel. Right now, my $200,000 is worth 32 grand and Artie's been looking for me to get the first payment. Thank God there's plenty of room to sleep in the back of a Lincoln.

The bad news is that if oil doesn't go up to $90 a barrel in the next two days, I'm probably not going to be able to run for president unless I promise to make Artie Secretary of the Department of Commerce. Or vice-president. The good news is that gas is so cheap, even a Lincoln can drive for a week on $15. I washed a Big Mac down with a cup of hi-test yesterday. That crap darn nearly killed me. Last time I ever eat a Big Mac.

Anyway, I can use help on the campaign. I know most of my Soulful Detroit family is still waiting for their Coronavirus checks. And I need them. I'm going to start a GoFundMe, ostensibly to help hungry kids. Put the word out that there's a pair of hungry orphans - Jeremy and Ozzie - who are going to starve if everybody doesn't send me the loot by Wednesday. Make 'em feel guilty so they don't know - I mean, so they don't think I'm trying to beat them out of their scratch. Tell 'em I'm going to send every person a tee shirt with a "I Saved These Two Wonderful Children Because I Actually Give A ****" graphic on it. Eventually.

Anyway, I think Artie is creeping around outside my car right now. I'm in the trunk and trying to be quiet. Thanks for all of your support. Remember, Jerry Oz is the only one who can make his problems go away. I mean, he's the only one who can make your problems go away. Free healthcare. Three-day work weeks. Chickens in every pot. Pot in every garden. No speed limits. And I'll stop all of that baby mama drama. But you gotta elect me or nothing's gonna change.

Good night, and God bless this trunk!

[sophisticated_soul]

17341
. .

[arr&bee]

Great stuff jerry,i see that the people are still after-opps-err-ahem-hehe,still behind you,i'm gonna have grady send artie one of his infamous-rusted beef and stupid onion sandwiches..[artie won't be in any shape to chase you to at lease december]by which time you'll be president,and bless those little angels[jeremy an ozzie]poor little things,folks in the hood have a heart and some of em got their checks already so those donations are gonna come pouring in any day now,hang in there jerry...you're the man for the job,anyone can hide out but only a man of the people hides out in a -lincoln...run jerry run!!

[Jerry Oz]

Thanks for all the support, fellas. I think I have a couple of good stock photos for Jeremy and Ozzie. Might have to Photoshop them a bit because the kids in the photos are kind of chubby. Once those 'rona checks start rolling in, thing's are gonna be copacetic and America's going to bounce like a mofo. That's actually my campaign slogan "Vote For Jerry, He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo". People like simple messages.

And I'm not sure Grady can give Artie heartburn. He was eating a doggie bone when I borrowed the money and it was so gross to see because the dog was still attached. He hung out around my Lincoln for almost an hour last night. I think he smelled the Big Mac on my breath. At one point, I heard him sniffing around the trunk key hole and I thought for sure I was done. It's my fault, though. If I wanted to hide out, I shouldn't have spent $200 on the vanity tag that says JERRY OZ. Not sure if Artie can read or not, but he probably knows somebody who can.

It's all good though because I had some bumper stickers printed up with "Jerry Oz For President 2020: He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo" on them. I gave a couple of hookers $10 to slap them on bumpers in grocery store parking lots and it looks like they got away with it. That's phase 1 in my election strategy. As soon as the GoFundMe blows up, I can move on to the next phase, which is to get plastic surgery so my debtors won't recognize me in my TV ads. So if you love America, get me that loot!

[arr&bee]

Jerry i got all the crim-opps-err-ahem-hehe..corporate sponsors in da hood working overtime to get that much needed loot,in the mean time you're gonna need protection so i'm sending duufuss over,just pat him on the head and feed him a peanut butter and mustard green sandwich and artie won't get near you,artie once promised duufuss a picture with the easter bunny,he waited in front of walmart for two years and no bunny..duufuss don't forget stuff like that..run jerry run!!!

[Jerry Oz]

Good looking out, Homeboy. I knew Duufuss and Artie had bad blood after Duufuss told me that Artie put him in a round room and told him two of his baby mamas were in the corner. Duufuss almost had a heart attack after running around the room for a week. Poor guy lost 300 pounds [[he was down to 1,400 by the time the forklift got him to the hospital) and it took him three meals to get back up to his regular weight. He was so mad, he checked the whole hood for Artie but found out Artie hired one of his baby mamas as a bodyguard. Every Superman has his kryptonite. Anyway, Duufuss can help me during the first of the month while his ex is blowing out the balance of her EDT card and the next week when they're chowing down but he always tells me he can't hang around after that. He knows when she's coming after the fridge is empty because he can hear her stomach growling when she's standing on the next block. But I'll take all the help I can get.

[moe]

When does Ms Moe, superstar enter to raise some $$$ amongst her friends?
Let Ms Westgrand, esq, her super agent know:cool:

[Jerry Oz]

Good time to enter is right now, Moe! I'm pretty sure I've licked my gambling problem, so I should be a good steward for any loot you raise. And to think, when I left my gambling rehab treatment after the first day, they said that I'd backslide and here I am, two weeks later running for president after only losing my rent money and having to sell the grandkids' diapers thanks to a very bad turn with online poker. Baby steps! But send the money to the GoFundMe so I can funnel the money through a charity instead of having to deal with all of that useless FEC red tape. And tell West I can use at least 50 pounds of pounds. I'm trying to get the money by weight because it's easier to clean that way. I think we're gonna do this!

And remember: Jerry Oz For President 2020: He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo
https://media2.giphy.com/media/3osxYcwi3hCVbzNYqY/giphy.gif

[arr&bee]

Jerry,all the mofo's in da hood can't wait for your return!!

[marv2]

I'd vote for you Jerry.

[arr&bee]

Hey jerry,if you wanna know where grady gets some of his[secret]ingredients,go over to the sandbox forum,my nephew[lil jai]plays over there and he saw grady harvesting his wares.

[Jerry Oz]

President Obama declared that sandbox to be a toxic waste site in 2010. Apparently, one of Grady's customers burped in the sand and it turned the sand into sulphuric acid. Grady needs to stop marinating his chittlins in tabasco and anti-freeze unless he's going to pass out antacids. I think Obama overreacted though. It's only unsafe if you don't wear a double layer of a grade 1 full body laboratory haz mat suit when you're within two blocks of it. When I'm in the Whites House, I'm going to deregulate the sandbox because kids have a right to play. And besides, kids don't vote so I don't have to worry about losing their support.

Spread the word! I love kids.

[arr&bee]

Jerry,i'm tryin to set up a debate with trump,but he keeps ducking!

[Jerry Oz]

Stay on it. I'll rip his hair out and wipe my butt with it.

Oops. The way I put that might sound a tad disrespectful.

I meant to say, I look forward for the opportunity to engage in a high level discussion so that America can hear both of our views and make a considered decision about who is best to lead our beloved nation forward.

And THEN I'll rip his hair out and wipe my butt with it.

[arr&bee]

Stay on it. I'll rip his hair out and wipe my butt with it.

Oops. The way I put that might sound a tad disrespectful.

I meant to say, I look forward for the opportunity to engage in a high level discussion so that America can hear both of our views and make a considered decision about who is best to lead our beloved nation forward.

And THEN I'll rip his hair out and wipe my butt with it.HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...JER RY-JERRY-JERRY...I'VE BEEN LOCKED UP IN MY SECRET SUBBASEMENT LAB WORKING ON THE ANTIDOTE TO THIS[LYSOL]ADDICTION THAT'S SWEEPING ACROSS THIS COUNTRY,AND AFTER MINUTES OF HARD WORK AND EXPLOSIONS-I'VE CONCOCTED THE ONLY KNOWN CURE...HOOCHACYYADINE..[DON'T READ THE INGREDIENTS,JUST DRINK IT]ONE SMALL SIP THREE TIMES AN HOUR AND YOU'RE CURED...NOW OF COURSE YOUR LIVER WILL BE SHOT...[BUT I'VE CONSULTED AND INSULTED THE BEST DR.IN DA HOOD-DR.CONFIBULATOR]AND HE STATES THAT YOU DON'T NEED A WORKING LIVER ANYHOW,SO JERRY AFTER YOUR' ELECTED YOU MAY THINK ABOUT BESTOWING THE CONFESSSIONAL TRICKET OF SOMETHING OR ANOTHER FOR MYSELF..I'LL GLADLY ACCEPT ON BEHALF OF THE PEOPLE...[and if I'm broke I can hawk the thing down at the pawn shop]NOW DR.CONFIBULATOR SAYS AS LONG AS YOU DON'T PASS GAS FOR TWO DAYS YOU'LL BE FINE..[it would be the same as-a nuclear meltdown]..NOW JERRY AS SOON AS YOU'RE ELECTED IF YOU MAKE THIS WONDERFUL POTION THE LAW OF THE LAND[it would keep down the law suits]AND ALTHOUGH THE FDA WON'T APPROVE,YOUR WORD IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME..TOGETHER WE'LL SAVE THIS COUNTRY FROM THE EVIL OF LYSOL INGESTION AND YOUR LEGACY WILL BE CEMENTED ...[and maybe demented]...RUN JERRY RUN!!!

[Jerry Oz]

You might be in line to be my searchin general when I'm elected. It's up between you and my pill mill proprietor, Dr. Fiellgud. I kind of owe him a job since I cost him his license after snitching on him when the cops busted me last month. Thankfully, he doesn't know I did it unless he is a SoulfulDetroit member. Now that I think about it, he's the one who told me about this page... Wonder if they have wi-fi in the joint?

Never mind, forget what I said about Dr. Fiellgud [[if you're Dr. Fiellgud and you're reading this) because I don't think I'm a snitch after all. Because you know I don't roll like that. Might even give that brother a full pardon if he doesn't kill me first. Anyway, give me the exact list of ingredients on your discovery so I can patent it for me. I mean for you. You need legal protections in case it's going to be a game changer and I can use the loot. Curiously, the GoFundMe contributions have dried up since I started posting on this thread. It's almost like people know it's a scam. I mean, it's like they think it's a moneymaking scheme, which it's not. But thanks for your support. Send me a mailing address so I can forward a few hundred thousand early voting applications to you. I think there's something else you can do for your country. And remember:

Jerry Oz For President 2020: He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo
https://media2.giphy.com/media/3osxYcwi3hCVbzNYqY/giphy.gif

[arr&bee]

Jerry,my president,you da man but i don't really have any recollection of ingredients because i just start pouring what ever is handy at the time..rubbing alchohol-fly spray-nail polish-liquid soap[for cleanliness]-maple syrup-crean of butterbean soup just to name the stuff i can remember,as for an address,just sent the stuff to the corner of wackitup ave and burps blvd care of da hood-it'll find it's way to me,,your always loyal constitapitstopital subject or subtract whichever comes first...run jerry run!!

[Jerry Oz]

Welp. I used the ingredients you listed and blew up two downtown blocks. Not sure what went wrong, though. Didn't have rubbing alcohol, so I used some leftover Old Grandad that I mixed with transmission fluid [[my "Friday Night Special", I had to stretch it out since they closed the liquor stores). And instead of nail polish, I used the lye from an old blow out kit. Didn't have fly spray, so I substituted some kitchen grease. But the rest of the ingredients were the same [[except for a few), so I don't know what happened. I was careful to follow your list to a T.

Anyway, I'll try again tomorrow. I'm down to my last nine gallons of my Friday Night Special and if I'm gonna have some for Wednesday night, I might have to ration my next mixture. Think I'll trade out chittlin fat for the maple syrup instead of using Pepto-Bismol like I did the last time. That might make it more stable. Glad I didn't pay that hobo who mixed it in advance or I might have wasted $3. Next time, I'm going to have the mixer wear a Donald Trump shirt, that way if he kills himself, they'll blame Trump and never suspect me.

Rome wasn't built in a day, am I right? Dropping all of those early ballots off tomorrow morning, so look out for them. They'll be in boxes that fell off of a mail truck last week. Don't worry, I got all of the checks that were in them already. Thanks, Homeboy. Oh, and save all of your receipts and after all the bills are paid, I'll take a look at them. Peace.

[arr&bee]

UMM,RECEIPTS?? I KINDA SORTA WROTE A CHECK FOR STUFF BEFORE I REMEMBERED THAT THE ACCOUNT WAS CLOSED SIX YEARS AGO..[I though those balance owed notices were junk mail,who knew??]MY HUSTLERS-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE,MY HOSPITALITY WORKERS PICKED UP THOSE BALLOTS,AND AS SOON AS THEY SCRATCH OUT SOME NAMES WE'LL BE GOOD TO GO,I'M SENDING YOU A GIFT CARD I FOUND IN THE BOTTOM OF AN OLD BOX I WAS THROWING OUT,TURNS OUT IT HAS[1.65]LEFT ON IT AND EVERY LITTLE BIT COUNTS...[oh when you cash it move quickly before they discover that it expired in Jan.2006]DON'T WORRY ABOUT THOSE TWO BLOCKS THAT WERE LOST,NOBODY WAS GONNA WORK THERE ANYHOW BECAUSE OF THE VIRUS AND RECESSION WHICH YOU CAN BLAME ON TRUMP,OH AND NEXT TIME USE SOME-UNCLE HUMMIES SMELLING SALTS-RUN JERRY RUN!!!

[Jerry Oz]

I had to run after the explosion. Turns out police headquarters were in the two blocks [[RIP) and it turns out they were having a retirement party for good ol' Sergeant O'Leary who was leaving after 60 years in public service. To make it even worse, Krispy Kreme hosted the event so every cop was there, even those who were off duty. The building was decimated but thank God, nobody got hurt. But when the cops saw that dust landed on the donuts they pulled every detective off what they were doing to find out who ruined their fun. You know, coffee and donuts is what cops use to observe Holy Communion, so they're not happy.

To make it worse, apparently every thief and bad guy in the city knew the party was taking place and they were boosting cars and breaking and entering all over the city. When the cops got out early [[thanks to yours' truly) they caught all of the crooks in the act and now the bad guys are mad at me for ruining their holiday and the cops are even madder because they actually had to work. With a little luck, I'll get away with it. The only way I escaped was by running into a costume shop and buying a two-man horsie costume. I put the first half over a blow-up doll and ran behind it while bent over until I got out of downtown. I had to make sure I evaded suspicion and since they were looking for a man, nobody suspected a horse. I'm looking forward to the $1.65, by the way. I owe two bucks for the blow up doll rental and was wondering how I was gonna pay for it. Let me know if you can slip me another 35 cents.

Once again, thanks for your help. I might move you up from searchin general to head the FBI. That way, you can make this investigation go away. It pays pretty good too but we can talk about that later.

[arr&bee]

PAYS PRETTY GOOD...[you may be president for life]I WANT THAT F.B.I. APPOINTMENT,WOW THE-FEDERAL BULLIES OF INTIMIDATION..AND I'D RUN THAT SUCKER SO GOOD THAT NOBODY WILL EVEN THINK ABOUT MESSIN WITH YOU OR LOOKING INTO YOUR POLITICAL MATTERS..LITTLE UNIMPORTANT NONSENSE LIKE..[corruption-payoffs-blackmail-tax evasion]YOU HAVE ENOUGH ON YOUR PLATE WHIPPING THIS COUNTRY BACK INTO SHAPE TO WORRY ABOUT THOSE NOSEY FOLKS FROM[internal revenue-immigration-congress-united nations-red cross-the p.t.a.]I'LL FIND STUFF ON ALL OF EM...[j.edgar hoover has some stuff in a file cabinet somewhere]AND I'LL SCATTER AGENTS FAR AND WIDE TO FIND IT..YOU'LL BE SO SLIPPERY-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..INNOCENT THAT SUNSHINE WON'T EVEN STICK TO YOU,OH BY THE WAY THE BLOW UP DOLL'S SISTER HAS A WARRENT ISSUED FOR YOUR ARREST,SHE CLAIMS THAT THE DOLL IS UNDERAGED AND YOU SUDUCED HER WITH THE PROMISE OF A CABINET POSITION,OH AND THE OWNER OF THE COSTUME SHOP CLAIMS THAT THE BILLS YOU PAID HIM WITH HAD YOUR PICTURE ON THEM...I EXPLAINED TO HIM THAT IF TRUMP CAN SIGN STIMULUS CHECKS THEN YOU AS THE PROHIBITIVE FAVORITE TO WIN THE ELECTION CAN PUT YOUR PHOTO ON ONE DOLLAR BILLS,I'M SENDING MY PERSONAL LAWYER AND HOOD LEGEND...I.WILL GETHIMOFF...[I told him that you would give him a tax free series of legal immfamercials]SO HE'S WORKING PRO BONO..AND HE'LL HELP YOU FIND A TAX SHELTER TO COVER IT TOO,THINGS A FALLING INTO PLACE SIR..RUN JERRY RUN!!

[Jerry Oz]

You da MMMMMAAAANNNN!!! Thanks for getting that guy to work pro Bono. I thought I might have to pay my fair Cher and we all know money's a little tight. And I swear, the blow-up doll was NOT underaged. I checked saw that she was manufactured in 2002. It was right under the Made In China sticker. But it's just like me to get into trouble over something like this. Last week, I had to take a hooker to court over failure to render negotiated services. She walked up to me in a bar after I was drunk and told me she'd do anything I wanted for $50. I even checked and asked her if that was guaranteed. And when she said "yes", I gave her $50 and told her to put a new roof on my garage. If she could do it by the weekend, I'd even give her another $2 as a tip. She never showed up and now my hooptie is getting wet when it rains. You can't get good service anymore.

Anyway, I think we're on our way. Remember:
Jerry Oz For President 2020: He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo
https://media2.giphy.com/media/3osxYcwi3hCVbzNYqY/giphy.gif

[arr&bee]

DON'T WORRY MY PRESIDENT,I'M SENDING LILBITS OVER TO COVER YOUR HOOPTIE..[she'll just spread her dress over it]AND THE SWEAT THAT FALLS FROM THE FOLDS IN HER SKIN WILL KILL THOSE KILLER BEES TOO,SO YOU'RE COVERED-RUN JERRY RUN!!!

[Jerry Oz]

Thanks, Jai. Sort of. I had to open the roll door to get her in the garage but she fit. Then, she saw a biscuit on the floor that fell out of my bag the last time I went to KFC and she ate it. Now I can't get her out of the garage. We tried greasing her. We removed the door. I put my SUV in reverse to try to push her out [[now my motor's burned out). But somehow, that one biscuit added 250 pounds and another 20 inches and she wasn't budging.

The sheriff stopped by and suggested she go without eating for a couple of hours so she could drop the weight and when she heard it, she went into a rage and started to chase him. She's running after him but now I have to rebuild the entire front half of my garage. The sheriff called me to ask for help and now I have to stop by Burger King and grab a few value meals with the hope that I can catch up to them and entice her to stop.

That shouldn't be a problem but I have an open tab at Burger King and the owner said that he'd shoot me if I didn't pay up the next time I got there. If I can't come up with $3,432.12 quick, I'm not going to be able to save the sheriff. Maybe I can just get a couple of empty bags from the restaurant and catch her attention. If she sees the bags and thinks they have food in them, she'll come toward me and the sheriff can escape before she smells the bags and realizes nothing is in them.

Only then, she'll be mad at me... Oh well, if I wasn't running for president, I might run for sheriff because I have a feeling we're going to need one.:[[

Anyway, I'm campaigning at the local gentlemen's club tonight. I'm trying to reach out to the ladies who I think can help my campaign. So I'll be visiting the clubs and campaigning for the next month and a half. I'm tireless and willing to do what I need to do to win. And right now, I need to run a few more copies of one dollar bills off of my printer before I reach out. Glad to do what I can to help the local economy. And don't worry, I'll make sure all the dancers are wearing a face mask. Can't take any chances.

[arr&bee]

DON'T WORRY ABOUT LILBITS,SHE WAS JUST BETWEEN MEALS...[after she ate all the pork at the Smythfield plant,which is the real reason they shut sown]REMEMBER THAT LILBITS IS THE ONLY PERSON LIVING OR DEAD THAT CAN EAT AT GRADY'S AND NOT GET SICK..[little known fact-Lilbits has three stomach linings that catch everything she eats and burns it up along the way]THAT SINOMI THAT HIT JAPAN LAST YEAR WAS JUST ONE OF HER BURPS...I GOT A CONVICT-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..CONTRACTOR THAT OWES ME A FAVOR SO YOUR GARAGE WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF,OH AND AS FOR THOSE DOLLAR BILLS,I'M SENDING YOU A POWDERED WIG FROM MADAME MISSY'S WIGS JOINT AND MASSAGE PARLOR,WEAR IT WHEN YOU PRINT YOUR DOLLARS AND FOLKS WILL THINK YOU'RE RELATED TO OL GEORGE WASHINGTON AND NO QUESTIONS WILL BE ASKED...BUT BE SURE TO WEAR A SKULL CAP MADE FROM RAMS WOOL TO PROTECT YOUR SCALP..[the last guy didn't and his brain was exposed]OF COURSE HE DIDN'T HAVE YOUR CLOUT,OH AND THE LADIES CLUB FROM DA HOOD IS WAITING FOR YOU TO SPEAK AT THEIR ANNUAL LUNCH AND LAPDANCE BAR-B-CUE,NOW SOME OF THE OLD GIRLS GET FRISKY AND WANT TO LAPDANCE BUT YOU'LL GET THOSE VOTES...RUN JERRY RUN!!

[Jerry Oz]

That all sounds great. [[Make sure the cameras are off at the barbecue... Don't want the voters to see me with barbecue sauce on my shirt...:rolleyes:) Anyway, your guy started working on the garage, so that's good. But he asked for the keys to my car to drive it out of harms way and then he gave them to one of his homeboys and when I asked him about it, he just said "Car? What you talkin', 'bout Willis?" I don't know who Willis is, so I dropped it. Hope they bring the car back, though because when I checked with my insurer [[from Weiburn Yormunny & Wrunn to make sure I was covered), my broker asked me "Covered? What You talkin' 'bout, Willis?". So I guess my name was changed to Willis or something.

Anyway, I talked to Grady about Lilbits and he got really angry. He said that he could get anybody but she ate the food before he could mix the chittlin' fat, collard green pot liquor, rotten fish heads and banana peppers into the icing for the cake and that until it's mixed, it's not at full potency. So he wants round 2 but only if she's chained up until the cake is done but before he hung up the phone, she'd already busted through the alley wall and asked him "Who said 'cake'?" He hung up and I don't know what's going on now.

But when they decide how they're going to figure it out, I'm going to contact live pay-per-view providers and broadcast it to every home in the hood that doesn't have bootleg cable so I can raise money for the campaign. I might have to figure out how to rip off - oops - find a way for the bootleggers to pay, too. Man, people all over the world will tune in to watch those two titans go for it against each other. It's gonna make Ali-Frazier I look like Webster fighting Honey BooBoo in a vat filled with molasses. This might set records. Early odds are 9-1 on Lilbits but Grady said he likes those odds because he gets his chittlin' fat straight from the sink.

It's gonna be lit!!!! Stay tuned.

[arr&bee]

LILBITS IS THE ONLY PERSON LIVING OR DEAD THAT GRADY CAN'T SCARE,MY NEPHEW[LILJAI]VIDIO TAPED GRADY DOWN AT THE[SANDBOX]GATHERING MORE INGREDIENTS FOR HIS EATERY..[YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW]IT WAS GONNA BE BROADCAST HOODWISE ON THE LEGENDARY NEWSCAST[20 MINUTES]BUT AFTER THE ENTIRE NEWS CREW GOT SCURVY FROM THE FIRST TAPING THE BROADCAST WAS CANCELLED..ALTHOUGH TALKS ARE UNDERWAY FOR A MINI SERIES IF ANYONE IS STILL ALIVE OR OUT OF INTENSIVE CARE TO APPEAR...NOW AS FOR YOUR CAMPAINE SIR,I'VE LINED UP AN INTERVIEW FOR YOU WITH THE HOOD FAMOUS INTERVIEWER TO THE INFAMOUS,THAT'S RIGHT...SCOOP SCOOPY WHO'S COME OUT OF RETAINMENT-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..RETIREMENT FOR THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME CONFAB,SCOOPY PERSONALLY ASKED FOR THIS SCOOP...[it's the only way he could get out]AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW SIR OL SCOOPY ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS,SUCH AS-WHEN YOU MOVE INTO THE BIG HOUSE CAN I GET A ROOM? CAN I GET A FEDERAL LOAN SO I CAN RIDE THE BUS? AND DON'T FORGET THIS TOUGH ONE...CAN I GET ONE OF THEM COOL BULLETT PROOF VEST CAUSE SOME FOLKS ARE AFTER ME,SIR OL SCOOPY IS SLICK WITH THOSE QUESTIONS SO BEWARE..[he once tricked Grady into revealing the secrets in his infamous rusted ribs and when Grady got out Scoopy had to leave da hood for ten years]EVEN TO THIS DAY WHEN HE PASSES GRADY'S HE WEARS A PEG LEG AND EYEPATCH ]BUT IT'S NOTHING THAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE BEING THE PEOPLE'S CANDIDATE-RUN JERRY RUN!!

[arr&bee]

JERRY,MY PRESIDENT,MORE GOOD NEWS FROM YOUR PEEPS IN DA HOOD..AS THE GOOD NEWS SPREADS THE WHOLE HOOD WANTS IN...[for a small peice of the action]NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT TRANSPORTATION TO YOUR SWEARING IN CEREMONY,AS I KNOW YOU DON'T TRUST THOSE GOVERNMENT CARS,I GOT YOU A SWEET DEAL ON A FLEET OF SLIGHTLY USED LIMOS FROM BIG BILL BENTRIM'S RIMS AND SMOKED KIDNEYS JOINT AND GARAGE AT THE SOUTHERN MOST TIP OF DA HOOD...[he and Grady were partners once upon a time til a dispute arose about those smoked kidneys]AND LET'S JUST SAY THAT BIG BILL HAD TO MOVE IN A HURRY,NOW AS FOR THOSE LIMOS JUST IGNORE THOSE BULLETT HOLES IN THE SIDES[think of the money you'll save on air conditioning]AND THE ROOF MAY FLY OFF BUT YOUR ADORING PUBLIC WANT TO SEE YOU IN THE FLESH SO IT'S ALL GOOD...[and if anyone gets hit by flying metal you can say the government is trying to assassinate you]I'VE GOT SIX OR TEN BIGGUNS FROM THE MENTAL HOSPITAL TO CARRY THE CAR IF AND WHEN IT BREAKS DOWN,BUT THE CROWD WILL BE CHEERING SO LOUDLY THAT IT WON'T MATTER,AND THEY'LL BE GLAD TO SEE YOU WALKING DOWN THE STREET LIKE THE MAN OF THE PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE,AND AS FOR YOUR TV COVERAGE YOU WON'T NEED THOSE CROOKS FROM[CNN-NBC-CBS-UNICEF]THE NEWS CREW FROM HERE IN DA HOOD GOT CHA COVERED-TWO CAMERAS...[after the IRS raid two was all they had left]BUT DON'T WORRY SIR ONE IN FRONT AND ONE IN BACK GOT YOU COVERED,UNFORTUNATELY YOU WILL HAVE TO SPEAK LOUDLY BECAUSE THEY ALSO LOST THE MICS,BUT IF EVERYONE WATCHES YOU CLOSELY THEY CAN READ YOUR LIPS,NOW SIR ALL BIG BILL WANTS IS FOR YOUR ADMINISTRATION TO PLANT SOME BUGS IN GRADY'S SO THAT HE CAN GET HIS LOCATION BACK,ALTHOUGH HE KNOWS THAT NOBODY HAS EVER COME OUT OF THERE AFTER DARK-DEAD OR ALIVE,BUT THE BIGGUNS FROM THE MENTAL JOINT WILL GLADLY VOLUNTEER TO GO DOWN THERE AFTER SOME OF BIG BILLS' INFAMOUS[SMOKED KIDNEYS]ANYHOW SIR I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT'S ONE LESS THING FOR YOUR ADMINISTRATION TO WORRY ABOUT ON YOUR BIG DAY..[oh and one more thing sir..don't worry about crowds along the parade route,I've got plenty of folks from the clinic round the way after their shots they'll stand perfectly still and cheer too]YOU'RE GONNA MAKE HISTORY SIR-RUN JERRY RUN!!

[Jerry Oz]

Everything sounds good, Homeboy. I finally got done campaigning at the gentlemen's club at noon. You'd be surprised how many days somebody can make $122.30 [[in ones) last when there's an all-you-can-eat Spaghetti-Os and McNuggets buffet to sustain you. I was lucky because I had BOGO half off coupons for some of the ladies and they really were attentive when I was tossing out my policies a dollar at a time.

I might go back there and campaign again next week if I can sell my pager for more singles. And I'm looking forward to having Big Bill and Grady compete to see who's going to handle my inaugural dinner. Grady might be able to eliminate all of my enemies in one fell swoop - I mean scoop of chili - [[remember the Godfather's final scene? I want that) but there's nothing like Big Bill's buffalo chicken kidneys and dumplings to get the juices flowing. Speaking of those flowing juices, I secured a promotional agreement with Depends undergarments so then they start flowing, nobody's going to be able to tell. Everything is coming out great right now and it'll come out much faster after I eat Big Bill's faire.

And good looking out with the bigguns from the psych ward. I'm hoping you got them from Big Bertha's Burly Boy Booby Hatch And Taco & Pancake Stand because she can get you a discount if you tell her Hank Beaumont sent you [[it's a long story but I had to use that name to prevent giving her my own. Don't judge me to be a bad guy, I'm usually frank and earnest with everybody but I didn't want to use my healthcare card when I sought help at Big Bertha's, so I didn't tell her I was Frank Holmes or Earnest Barkley like I normally would because I used both of those cards the last times I was there and I still owe for my bill.) But when "Hugh Beaumont" got committed - I mean volunteered to be "examined", he sang in the break room at lunchtime and increased her taco business by 3.5% and she loves me because of that. I mean, she loves him because of that. Also because I put sugar water in her half-filled syrup bottles and saved her $9 a week on her syrup bill. If you get any pancakes, ask for them to throw the taco meat into the batter. I did it by mistake when I was locked up and it turned out to be a big hit with some of the more psychically questionable guests. Another reason why Hank Beaumont's word is bond with Big Bird [[that's my pet name for her).

If she asks where I'm staying, tell her I live in an orange '83 Nova instead of the Lincoln or she'll find me. Speaking of which, I came back from the strip club - I mean gentlemen's club and found Arturo "The Murderous Lech" Husiadaddi in my car. Thought he found me but he just broke in to charge up his cell phone. He left after about an hour and I don't think he knows it was my car. Life in the hood is never boring. Anyway, I'm dropping off another couple hundred thousand early voting ballots tomorrow. Thanks again, your country will be better for all of the hard work.

[arr&bee]

Sir,this is why you're the only man for the job,nobody can finagle-opps-err-ahem-hehe..finance funds like you..run jerry run!!

[Jerry Oz]

Whoops. Just saw the Facebook page of a couple of the ladies from the "gentlemen's club" [[Nasty Nathan's Slime Palace & Mufflers) and apparently some of them took photos of my campaigning. Now, I understand why I left wearing somebody else's pants... Might have to drum up a "that looks Photoshopped" PR effort. Anyway, looks like Lilbits found out they had chicken wings [[buy one, get one free) and all she saw was the "free" so she broke through the wall and ate all of them. Then she rolled on the stage and bent the poles. Caused $215,000 worth of damage and Nasty Nathan's taking out a small business loan to stay in business. Bad timing, too because the Lincoln needs a new muffler. Sometimes it snows on rainy days, I guess. Maybe I can get my pager out of hock since I won't be using the one dollar bills for a while. Anyway, if you find any loose change, send it in. Your country will be greatly appreciative.

[arr&bee]

Lilbits is off her meds..[pray]the last time this happened,she was dropped on an island in the pacific but within[2 hrs]she ate all the wildlife[living and dead]swam all the way back to the u.s.eating all the sealife along the way,the only thing to stop her is to guide her to a corn silo in the midwest..grady is in route now with six tons of his infamous burnt pigtails that may hold her...now as for those much needed funds i've found an old piggy bank that once belonged to my cousin[fingers mcgeepers]in the basement with a letter from his probation officer stating that the bank was to be part of a settlement from a lawsuit filed when fingers was six years old..[they don't call him fingers for nothing]anyhow he shall we say picked up something that he shouldn't have and as a result his piggybank was taken by the courts for cost,now it's full and legend has it that it is filled with[100.00]in pennies,fingers was wisked away for his own protection and hasn't been seen since,one small itty bitty thing..the bank has a combination and even i don't know what it is..luckily i called the best safecracker in da hood-tumbles thornton to try,unfortunately it can't be broken since it is made from a special clay once found at a drainage dump deep in the bowels of da hood,but once it's opened those funds will be sent to you sir..run jerry run!

[Jerry Oz]

I went to the joint to talk to Fingers. Thought maybe he would give me the combination. Well, the guards couldn't frisk me from 6 feet away so they sent me through an x-ray machine to make sure I didn't have any contraband. Which I technically didn't have but since I heard that people get harassed by prison guards, I set my mePhone to record audio and swallowed it before I went in. Turns out, the x-ray picked it up and they asked why I had a phone in my stomach.

Thinking fast on my feet, I told them that I didn't have a phone in my stomach and that I might sue them because I'll bet they never asked a white man that question. They had to agree but their boss came out and told me that he apologized for his guards asking me about the phone but since I was black and was wearing a mask, they wouldn't be allowed to let me leave the joint. They locked me up and I'm having an arraignment after quarantine is lifted. I asked to call my lawyer and they told me that I had a phone, so I could feel free to call when I felt like it.

Fortunately, that day they served mush loaf and chittlin' gravy in the cafeteria for dinner so it wasn't very long before I "got" my mePhone. Those bums let me spend three hours washing it before throwing me into solitary. The warden came down to see me a couple hours later and I asked what I was being charged with and he told me for having a contraband cell phone. I'm looking at five years...

I told him that I was going to run for president in the fall and that must have impressed him because he asked for an autograph. When I signed his paper, it turned out it was a full confession to 20 charges that will only be dropped if I make him Attorney General after I win in the fall. I'm going to be released on Saturday night but since tomorrow is leftover mush loaf and chittlin' gravy night, I might not survive to run for office. I'll let you know how it all plays out.

[arr&bee]

Whoaaaaaaaaaa,that's some tough stuff,and no way to treat our future leader,but fear not sir i've consulted with the top medical man in da hood..dr.pre skrip shunn,and he called his top advisor on stomach ailments[grady-since he originated most of em]upon hearing of your issues he concocted the only known remedy..one of his infamous boiled peanut butter and fatback oil tonics now i'm sending-delightful della from down at the gentlemens strip and cigar parlor..[she's so sexy that even the warden will let her in]just say that she's your,your..your.....your,well i'll leave it up to you sir,anyhow after you take the special potion you'll be so sick that they'll have to send you back to da hood where the only known cure is..and since there is a six months incubation period,they'll have to dismiss your case ...[don't worry sir after throwing your guts up-opps-err-ahem-hehe..after a little nausea you''l be as good as new]so rest easy sir....we won't let you down!!

[arr&bee]

OH SIR,JUST ONE MORE TEENY TINY LITTLE ITTY BITTY THING..I KINDA SORTA PROMISED THE GOOD DOCTOR THAT YOU WOULD HELP HIM GET HIS LICENCE BACK..[he's been sorta practicing without it since oh...1961,but nobody in da hood pays those kinds of things too much attention]OH AND HE WANTS TO BE HEAD OF THE HEALTH BOARD..OH AND HE SAYS THAT THERE MAY BE SOME VERY SLIGHT SIDE EFFECTS...BODY NUMBNESS-SPEAKING IN FOLK TONGUE-CHIRPING LIKE A BIRD-A CRAVING FOR LARD DUMPLINGS,BUT AFTER SIX MONTHS OR SO YOU'LL BE FIND...EXCEPT FOR A SMALL CASE OF AMNESIA AND SCURVVY AND THE CRAVING TO BE A PIRATE,WELL SIR YOU'RE A BUSY MAN SO I'LL SCRAM AND LET YOU CONTINUE YOUR FINE WORK FOR OUR COUNTRY-RUN JERRY RUN!!

[nativeNY63]

Grady says his 14-day self quartine has to be doubled because of some gangrenous chitlins. Seems he used a microwave instead of an oven. So to make it up to you, he'll supply the beverages for your inaugural balls. He assures me that it's fresh from the still...err liquor store..uuhhh distribution warehouse. Grady said it fell off'n the back of an 18 wheeler, he assured me. And since his condo...I mean lean-to is 6 feet from the Statehouse; you can kill two birds w/1 stone! Social distancing AND plausible deniability if anyone sees us making the pick up near the guv'ment building! We're on the case, sir.

[Jerry Oz]

Jai, Delightful Delilah might not want to help. She crossed me off of her list a few years ago after I sued her for failure to perform. She met me on a street corner one night and told me she'd do anything I wanted for $50. Of course, I was interested so I made sure I understood the nature of her offer.

"Really? Anything I want, you will do for $50?", I asked.
"Yes, Daddy. Any nasty thing your mind can imagine," she replied.
"Oh, I can imagine some nasty things," I says and I gave her two 20s, a fiver, four ones and three quarters [[I owed her one).
"Your wish is my command," she said as she put the money into her purse. "What do you want?"
"For you to put a new roof on my garage," I told her. "If you can do it by Tuesday, I'll give you an extra 6% tip."

She walked away and never did the roof, so I sued her and got my $49.75 back. She doesn't like me a lot since then. So hard to get good service anymore.

And nativeNY63: Since I began soaking in tubs of cool water, my inaugural balls feel much better so I don't need as many beverages to work that situation out. But thanks! And Grady shipped me two thermos bottles of his homemade hard gatorade and I was able to pour it out before it dissolved the containers. Gave a pint to the guards and threw the other pint on the walls and - voila! - the bricks eroded and now I'm on the run. If I'm lucky, they'll suspect the liquor dissolved me along with the stones and won't come looking for me. And right on time because I have a campaign event tomorrow at Craig Crankshaft's Buy Here, Pay Here on Clarence Thomas Boulevard. I'm passing out face masks to show that I'm more attentive to the crisis than the current president. I might give all three of them away if enough people show up.

Thanks for the advice, gentlemen. If I'm gonna win, I'm gonna need your help and as much money as you can *ahem* obtain. Don't ask for a receipt because I can't be tied to shady activities if you choose to do any [[and if you don't, you should question your love for your country. America needs me.) Once again, this thing is gonna work!

Jerry Oz For President 2020: He'll Make Things Copacetic and America's Going To Bounce Like A Mofo
https://media2.giphy.com/media/3osxYcwi3hCVbzNYqY/giphy.gif
https://media2.giphy.com/media/3osxYcwi3hCVbzNYqY/giphy.gif

[arr&bee]

Sir,this is why no one else is even remotely qualified for this job,the way you worm-opps-err-ahem-hehe..work your way out of these political booby traps is nothing short crim-opps-err-ahem-hehe..corporate genius,the other side is trying it's best but this train ain't slowing down,but sir be warned that delilah is still pissed about that quarter and has hired the hitman..targetman..more to come.

[Jerry Oz]

Thanks, Pahdnuh. I've been very lucky avoiding the Targetman. Ever since I maxed out that promotional store credit card [[hacked it to put $20,000 credit limit on it instead of $300), they've had my photo at the entrance of every Target in the hood. I was so indignant that they put it on my credit report - assuming that I wouldn't pay it back - I decided not to pay it back. Good thing, too because I sold what I bought for half of its value and bought the Lincoln from Billy I. Boosthoopties. It was a one owner car and Billy sold it to me for its Smelly's Mauve Book value [[street value in da hood) of $6,500. He didn't have papers but I trust him since I've known him for two weeks. I should have negotiated because other dealers would sell me the same car [[2021 model Lincoln Continental for $6,380. But I liked it so I gave Billy the extra.

But I have just the thing to make sure Targetman doesn't recognize me. Had them for years after I went AWOL and they work like a charm [[especially with my COVID-19 mask).
https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/lxoAAOSwR6RZ-2~U/s-l400.jpg

[nativeNY63]

Thanks, Pahdnuh. I've been very lucky avoiding the Targetman. Ever since I maxed out that promotional store credit card [[hacked it to put $20,000 credit limit on it instead of $300), they've had my photo at the entrance of every Target in the hood. I was so indignant that they put it on my credit report - assuming that I wouldn't pay it back - I decided not to pay it back. Good thing, too because I sold what I bought for half of its value and bought the Lincoln from Billy I. Boosthoopties. It was a one owner car and Billy sold it to me for its Smelly's Mauve Book value [[street value in da hood) of $6,500. He didn't have papers but I trust him since I've known him for two weeks. I should have negotiated because other dealers would sell me the same car [[2021 model Lincoln Continental for $6,380. But I liked it so I gave Billy the extra.

But I have just the thing to make sure Targetman doesn't recognize me. Had them for years after I went AWOL and they work like a charm [[especially with my COVID-19 mask).
https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/lxoAAOSwR6RZ-2~U/s-l400.jpg

But sir! You can still go to the check cashing spot and get 10% of your Stimulus Check! Put that with our Child Tax Credit and Income Tax Refund, and pay off the 2021 Campaign staff. And still have $5, as hush mo...uhhh...donation for Grady's lawyer. Apparently some ex-Detroit mayor who said he was just helping out a friend. Swing by the house when you get the Lincoln rolling. Oh. And by the way, my lawyer, O. Hay Simpson will be contacting you about that tasteless inaugural joke. No hard feelings, bruh.

[Jerry Oz]

Good looking out. Apparently, my Trumpfare check got sent to three of my babies' moms, so I can't get it cashed. Might have to avoid the check cashers anyway because they're mad after I snuck in under cover of night and stole back my title after I got a title loan two years ago. I'll print up another check and cash it somewhere else. My cousin is from Nigeria, he can find somebody to do it.

And Simpson, Esq. sent me a cease and desist after I plugged up his mailbox with campaign mailers. I don't think he was upset with the documents so much as he was really angry that I sent them COD. That guy charges $13.75/hour, you'd think he could pay the postage for a few hundred mailers if it was going to make the country a better place. He'll come around. I mean, I think he wants to keep his license, right?

Oh, and no hard feelings at all since I started the soak. Inaugural Balls is a very painful condition that doesn't get the same attention as Athlete's Foot or Hippo Butt in medical literature. The only treatment that seems to work is steady regimens of rum and coke. I have plenty of rum but the last of my coke was wasted when I sneezed through the straw on Wednesday night. But don't worry. My good buddy, Mary N. Barry is coming through in a few minutes to hook a bruh up.

Speaking of which, I just wrote my national policy to fight the war on drugs and I think it's going to increase my support by 30%. Or so. Never mind... I'm a little nervous right now and I'll know better after I do my next regimen.

[arr&bee]

SIR,YOU ARE A GENIUS[AND SMART TOO]THAT DISGUISE WORKED LIKE A CHARM,TARGETMAN WENT BACK TO HIS[SIDE]JOB ON THE LOADING DOCK OF TARGET AND TOLD EVERYONE THAT HE MET...[YOU READY FOR THIS?]...GROUCHO MARX,WHO DIED IN[1977]NOBODY SAID THAT TARGETMAN WAS THE SHARPEST BLADE ON THE SHELF,ANYHOW SIR THIS FREES YOU TO CONTINUE WITH THIS IMPORTANT WORK FOR OUR COUNTRY..AND DA HOOD...ALSO SIR I'VE SPOKEN WITH AN ALMOST-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..THE FOREMOST AUDACITY-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AUTHORITY ON INAUGURAL BALLS,DR.WILLITWORK AND HE SAYS FOR THAT AS A GIFT TO YOU HE'S SENDING HIS SECRET RUBBUMMUPP CREAM WHICH HE SAYS WILL CURE YOU OR A REASONAL FACT SIMILY THEREOF OR YOUR MONEY BACK,BUT SINCE IT'S A GIFT YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN,THE GOOD DOCTOR SAYS JUST USE HIS SECRET FORMULAR THREE TIMES AN HOUR AND YOU SHOULD BE FINE,OR SOMETHING,ALL HE ASK IS IF YOU CAN LOOK INTO THE SMALL MATTER OF HIS BEING BARRED FROM PRACTICING FOR LIFE,ALL BECAUSE OF A SMALL DISPUTE MANY YEARS AGO WITH THE LOCAL WITCH DOCTOR OVER SOME ANTI HEAD SHRINKING LOTION THAT THE GOOD DR.PRESCRIBED A WHILE BACK WHEN THE WITCH DOCTORS WIFE HAD AN UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT..[NO ONE HAS SEEN HER HEAD IN MANY YEARS ALTHOUGH HER VOICE IS HEARD..[SHE'S IN THERE SOMEWHERE]ANYHOW THERE WAS A NASTY TRIAL IN KANGEROO COURT...[IT WAS TO BE TRIED IN THE SUPREME COURT,BUT THE SUPREMES WERE ON TOUR]LEGEND HAS IT THAT SOME CASH WAS STUFFED INTO THE POUCH OF THE HEAD KANGEROO AND THAT WAS THAT,ANYHOW SIR IF YOU CAN LOOK INTO THIS MATTER AFTER YOU'RE IN OFFICE IT WOULD BE MUCH GRATITUDE AND VOTES..THANK YOU SIR;;;;[of course sir if the remedy doesn't work you can put a few bills in the pouch of the kangeroo and get his vote]RUN JERRY RUN!!

[Jerry Oz]

Of course I'll help him out. He was treated unfairly. I think they held that situation with the fertility clinic against him. Turns out every woman treated gave birth to a baby that had exactly six toes on his left foot and four on his right. That condition occurs in 1 out of 500 million people. Apparently, it was one out of 7 billion [[which was Dr. Rubbummupp) until 14 kids somehow came up with it. He got into that situation with the witch doctor because he needed extra loot to pay child support for his alleged extended family. But I'll make all of that go away if he sends the lotion and fills out 20 thousand absentee ballots by Tuesday.

And it can't be confirmed but apparently the witch doctor had an axe to grind against him after he and his headless wife became the proud parents of twins who each had six toes on their left feet and four on their right. I may not be a man of science but that can happen to anybody, am I right? I asked the witch doctor if he was sure Dr. Rubbummupp was fooling around with his wife and he told me that she couldn't look him in his eyes and tell him he was wrong. Can't fault that logic.

Anyway, Targetman almost caught me sneaking out of the liquor store. I had to light one of Grady's bean pies on fire and throw it against the wall to distract him but it worked. It worked out well too because the liquor store owner collected enough money to replace the building, which exploded on contact. Should have taken a few beans out of the pie before I set it on fire but I'm glad everything turned out right. Too bad about the orphanage that burned down next door but that shows why you can't run a business without insurance, am I right? That's all on them. Even that worked out fine because I couple of hustlers took the kids off the street and taught them how to commit phone scams so it's not like they're homeless. So glad to know that I have the support of the community.

[arr&bee]

BLESS YOU SIR,WE ARE SO FORTUNATE TO HAVE A MAN OF YOUR STANDING OR SITTING AS OUR LEADER,I HOPE THAT YOU WILL PUT IN AN APPEARANCE AT GRADY'S ABNORMAL-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..ANNUAL BISON ROAST AND DUCK TONGUE FRY FOR MEMORIAL DAY..[of course when word went out all the bison in da hood were seen running north towards Canada,which has a treaty with the bison]NOW AS YOU KNOW NOTHING FAZES GRADY...[except an audit]SO HE'LL LIKELY HAVE A MEAT??? SUBSTITUTE...[keep your fingers crossed]BUT ANYHOW SIR IT WILL BE A FUN TIME FOR ALL...[free stomach pumps for the kids]HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!

[nativeNY63]

Grady has also announced, via Zoom, of a free Wildebeest Cook-Off in the JCPenney parking lot. It's to raise funds for the ailing retailer. Former Masked Singer performers haved signed on Instagram Live. Social distancing will be strictly enforced. But sir, the benefit can only happen after 2am., between 2 and 2:45. Cause that's the only time dat dude from Amazon refuels his drones. Him being the richest guy in history! It's scheduled to be in the South Bronx. So we should be good. I got the hookup at Fordham U. JCP says they'll make it worth your while come your stump speeches. Word on the street is they're willing to swap the empty parking lots for cash donations. Don't worry sir, I'm on it! I know you can do this! The country is with you! Da hood needs you!!

[Jerry Oz]

I'm not sure I trust JCPenney. I taped a Penney's logo on my nephew's son's baby mama's EBT card and managed to buy two pairs of gators, some Stacy Adams and an ascot. They tried paging me to rectify the situation but I had already pawned my pager [[see above) and they couldn't reach me. Now, my nephew's son's baby mama is in hot water because the man is on her to pay the bill. And my nephew is mad at me because his boy has to watch the kids while she straightens the situation out. Seriously, is it just me or does nobody show respect to their elders anymore?

Anyway, I might make the cook-off but if I show up, I'll be wearing something from Sears so they won't recognize me. And good looking out with that hookup from Fordham. Great school. I got in trouble once when a cop asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a student. When he wanted to know where I went to school, I told him "FU" and he arrested me for resisting and also for bleeding on his night stick and shoes. That was when I realized that perhaps I wasn't college material.

BTW: I just saw where Grady and Lilbits are having more beef because apparently he thought she was a Wildebeest and slathered buffalo sauce on her. This wouldn't normally be a problem but it was medium heat and Lilbits takes her buffalo sauce rated thermonuclear hellfire. She chased him through his kitchen before slipping on some bacon grease and landing on her back. The beef began when he told her she had to pay for his dishwasher [[Mofus Amirite, that African dude) to use his spare forklift to get her up. Lilbits refused so they just used it to push her out into the alley off the loading dock. Bad move because that's where the Wildebeests were tethered Lilbits ate two of them. Now Grady's suing her for the cost of replacing the gears on the forklift and the two Wildebeest and she's suing him for failing to provide french fries with her meal. Just so messy.

But I'll straighten it out because once I'm in office, Americans will be so proud they'll just send their paychecks to Pennsylvania Avenue for the chance to love each other. This thing is gathering momentum. Remember: If you don't vote for me, then you ain't brown. Or white. Or yellow, red, gray or striped. Thank you. And may God bless da hood.

[arr&bee]

SIR,THE LOCAL FUNERAL PARLOR[MR.EMBALMERS DEAD MAN'S LOUNGE AND PIGFOOT PIT]HAS SWORN OUT A WARRANT FOR GRADY'S ARREST,IT SEEMS THAT IN THE MIST OF THE HOLIDAY CELEBRATIONS GRADY WAS CROWNED[HONORARY KING OF DA HOOD]IT'S A HONORARY THING DONE EVERY YEAR,BUT GRADY HAD ONE OF THE DANCIN PIGSFEET TROT DOWN TO THE FUNERAL PARLOR AND[BORROW???]A SOLID GOLD CROWN FROM THE HEAD OF A NEWLY ENBALMED MEMBER WHO IT TURNS OUT WAS A HEAD OF STATE IN THE AFRICAN COUNTRY OF-RESEMBIA...SO NAMED BECAUSE ALL THE NATIVES RESEMBLE ONE ANOTHER..[LEGEND HAS IT THAT THE FIRST CHIEF HAD 500 WIVES FROM THE SAME FAMILY]ANYHOW WHEN IT CAME TIME TO PLACE THE CROWN IT WAS GONE UNTIL GRADY WAS SEEN WEARING IT AT THE PARADE WHICH SOON TURNED INTO A POLICE RAID BECAUSE NOBODY HAD A PERMIT TO PARADE AND LILBITS BROKE THE NO DISTANCING RULE BY JUST BEING WITHIN 6 FT OF EVERYBODY AND WEARING NO MASK,SHE SAYS THAT SHE WAS WEARING ONE BUT IT WAS JUST THE CRUMBS FROM THE THIRTY SEVEN APPLE CRUMB PIES SHE ATE,ANYHOW IT SEEMS THAT THE ONLY THING TO STOP AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT IS IF YOU SIGN A LETTER OF CONTENT STATING THAT GRADY KNOWS YOU,GRADY SAYS THAT HE KNOWS NOTHING OF HOW HE GOT THE CROWN AND SAYS THE DANCIN PIGSFEET WERE ACTING ON THEIR OWN,HE OFFERED TO SEND THE TINY AFRICAN NATION SOME OF HIS INFAMOUS COYOTE RIBS AND COBLESS CORNBALLS..UPON HEARING THIS THE LEADERS OF THAT NATION ORDERED ALL BORDERS CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE,NOW THE ENVOY WHO WAS TO RETURN HOME TODAY IS STUCK IN DA HOOD WITH NO INTERPRETER..LUCKILY DUUFUSS SPEAKS IN TONGUES SO AS SOON AS HE'S LOCATED,HE MAY BE DOWN AT THE BOTTOM END OF DA HOOD DIGGING FOR CONTAMINATED GLOW WORMS AT THE INDUSTRIAL WASTE DEPOSITORY AND SANDCRAB JOINT,THIS COULD BECOME AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT SIR WHICH MAY DRAG ON INTO YOUR ADMINISTRATION SIR..BUT AS SOON AS YOUR LETTER REACHES THE CHIEF HE MAY RELAX AND PERMIT THE DONATION[37.50]THAT WAS COLLECTED AS A GIFT TO YOU..[IT WAS ALL THE PEOPLE HAD IT'S A SMALL COUNTRY]BUT IF ANY LEADER CAN HANDLE THIS MESS IT'S YOU SIR,WITH YOUR POWERS OF PERSUASION...[and that nice donation]I'LL LEAVE IT UP TO YOUR ALWAYS GOOD JUDGEMENT,THANK YOU SIR AND KEEP RUNNING!!

[Jerry Oz]

Not sure if I trust the president of Resembia. I emailed him to let him know that I had a check for $2 million waiting for him but only after he bought two $500 Amazon gift cards and sent them to my private P.O. box. He sent the cards but one had no balance and the other one only had $2.08 on it. I can't stand shady people. Resembia might be the first country that I nuke after I take office.

And people need to leave Lilbits alone. She can't properly social distance in a city. She can't even social distance in the countryside. At least we can be sure that a dozen people can be within 6" of her but never even see each other, let alone be within 6 feet of each other. She called and said she was upset so I advised her to go to the beach and relax. Now she's more upset because she was floating and several US Navy aircraft flew past an aircraft carrier and attempted to land on her. I gave her the business card of Dewey Cheatum & Howell and they're suing the Navy for failing to maintain social distance. Looks like a great case. Things like that won't happen very often when I'm president.

And I have a beef to pick with Grady. When po-po came to get the crown, he took it off to chuck it away and threw it at my Lincoln and now I have there's a nick in it. You know Nick, he works at Timmy's Donut and Hubcaps over on King Boulevard. Anyway, he was repackaging some of Grady's pancakes and selling them as tire rims until Grady found out. Now, Nick is homeless and since the crown hit my car and opened the electronic door lock, Nick has been living in my back seat. I told Grady I might have to sue him to get the nick out of my car but he's ducking my process server. Life in da hood is never boring.

[nativeNY63]

Hears the deal, sir. First of all, Lilbits has got to chill, man. Why not promise her a cabinet position at the Dept. of Agriculture. By the time she eats her way through the Midwest, you'll be out of office! So she'd be the next prez's problem! Now w/Resembia, send in some advisors - ala Johnson & JFK in Vietnam- by a Presidential Executive Order. Get the homies from the da Hood to serve their country w/the promise of lifetime liquor payme...err I mean vouchers. Cause liquor store are an essential business nowadays; so everybody wins! And since everyone in Resembia looks alike [[or related) that solves that problem too. You got the added bonus of making welfare/guv'ment assistance null and void. Your constituents & Congress, Senate and House will be in your hip pocket for re-election! Amazon tells me that a stock deal for D.C. and he'll front the $2 mil, $500, and the scam gift cards. Your Resembia presidential thorn in your side? Disappears. That nonsense with the Navy. No-brainer, sir. Just merge it with Space Force. Dig up Flynn. He'll run into the ground, eventually. Meanwhile you've handled all your DOJ baggage during your campaign! Your grateful country will sweep you into office. That social distance nonsense is also an easy fix. Use your executive privilege to make it punishable with withdrawal of stimulus checks and guv'ment backed debit cards! Here's what you do for Nicky: dump sleepy Carson from HUD and appoint him. He knows what it means to be homeless, evicted, and behind on rent. Now Grady and your Lincoln will require your experience and top notch skills at coerc...uuhhh persuasion. Make Grady the FDA czar. Staff the dept w ex-Chipolte and Denny folks, nobody would be the wiser! Then, prop him up, by creating a Food Bank Task Force. After digesting some of Grady's Greats from '08, with the abandoned cars left in lines all over the country, as prez just confiscate em as liabilities for community spread. You, in turn, get the pick of the litter. If nothing peaks your fancy, mandate that auto paintshops are non-essential businesses. Once their on lockdown, whoever's still stateside from the Resembia fiasc...err uhhmm controversy ; those bros can get the Lincoln as good as new! Remember, the younger hoodrats are ASE-certified mechanics. I know, I've already read their Family Court records. True dat, da Hood is never boring. But you sir, as our Commander-in-Chief, will not only TRULY make the US great again, but more importantly, Make DaHood Great!! You can even use that as your campaign slogan. [[ no disrespect by yours, about being copacetic and the rest...keep in mind your seeking to be The Most Powerful Man in the World. And with Amazon dude on a Listening Tour for that, you might want to water dow...urr uuhhmm appeal to Main St., sir.) So as you can guess, sir, it's yours to lose. You csn win, Jerry! You can win!! I'm in your camp 110%. Fired up? Ready to go??!

[Jerry Oz]

Nahhhh, fam. My slogan rocks balls. The only issue I have is that it takes two tweets to post the whole thing on Twitter. But bump Twitter, I'm gonna sign an executive order that makes them change their limit from 240 characters to 252. I will not sit idly by while the ability of the American people to communicate their angriest and most embarassingly Freudian thoughts anonymously to millions is infringed. In this time of distress, it's important that they express themselves because it's easy enough to figure out who each account belongs to and the potential to blackma... I mean, there might be an opportunity to explain how people can better protect their unfortunate social media outbursts from people that they don't want to see them. For a cost, of course.

My ability to find new revenue streams is probably my strongest asset. To that end, I'm eager to release my new hip hop artist to make the youngest voters excited about my candidacy. I'm almost done, too [[I just need to think of nine more cuss words for one song and another 32 for the title track - "The Dead Don't Vote and If You Don't Vote For Me, You Ain't Voting [[You Figure It Out)". Catchy, I know, but it's really one of the deepest songs I've heard since "Milkshake". I think it'll be a big hit on both the hip hop and gospel charts.

And unfortunately, most of the cabinet positions you listed have been bough... I mean I've appointed interested parties tothem based on the interests and abilities of some of the riche... most qualified people in the country. After reading your well-thought post, i contacted most of the appointees and most of them assured me they still had their receipts, so it'd be hard to change course right now. This country is going to be in great hands after President Plump is kicked to the curb.

[arr&bee]

YOU DA MAN SIR..IF I MAY SIR I'VE COME UP WITH A SLOGAN FOR YOUR CAMPAINE...DA MAN FOR DA HOOD AND DA COUNTRY..NOW BEFORE I BROUGHT THIS TO YOU SIR I INSUL-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..CONSULTED THE LEADING AUDACI-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AUTHORITY OF [DA-SPEAK]IN DA HOOD-PROF.EMBARASISSUS OF EBONICS AND OTHER NICK-NAKS,NOW THE GOOD PROF SAYS THAT THE USE OF[DA]IS PERFECTLY OK AS LONG AS IT'S USED IN A PERPENDICULAR PERPENDUCTION AND SINCE NOBODY IN DA HOOD IS SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT THE HECK THAT MEANS IT'S PERFECTLY OK TO USE...[just one small thing sir,the good Prof.ask that after you're elected if you can get him back into his office on campus]IT SEEMS THAT HE PLACED A RATHER LARGE BET ON WHO COULD GET THE COPYRIGHT ON THE WORD [DA]BUT THE PRESIDENT OF THE COLLEGE MISTOOK HIM ON THE WORD AS HE THOUGHT IT WAS[DAH]AND WHEN THE GOOD PROF COULDN'T COME UP WITH THE[5,000]AND TRIED TO COPYRIGHT THE WORD ANYHOW ,WELL SIR YOU CAN SEE THE EMBARASSMENT IT CAUSED THE UNIVERSITY AND SINCE THE PROF WAS MORE THAN[27 YRS]BEHIND IN HIS RENT HE HAD TO GO..NOT TO MENTION THE SECRET AFFAIR HE WAS HAVING WITH THE PRESIDENT'S GRAND NEICE WHO'S RELATED TO THE CHIEF OF RESEMBIA,BY RESEMBLANCE[THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE]OF COURSE THE GOOD PROF SAYS THAT SINCE HE LOST HIS ONLY PAIR OF GLASSES IN A POKER GAME WITH GRADY[26YRS AGO]HE COULDN'T SEE THAT THE LADY WAS FROM RESEMBIA,HE SAYS HE THOUGHT IT WAS[TOOSIE THE TART]FROM ROUND THE WAY,AND TOOTSIE WON'T SAY ONE WAY OR THE OTHER SHE JUST POPS GUM AND GIGGLES,I'VE ASKED THE LAWYER OF SCHOOL MATTERS[SHAY D.E.NUFF]TO LOOK INTO THIS MATTER,BUT HE WANT HIS MONEY UP FRONT[4.35+TIPS]AND IS HOLDING ALL DEPOSITIONS UNTIL HE'S PAID,BUT HE SAID THAT IF YOU WILL APPOINT HIM TO THE SUPREME COURT[JUST UNTIL THEY RETURN FROM TOUR]HE WILL CONSIDER GOING AHEAD WITH THE CASE,OH AND THE GOOD PROF'S STUFF IS BEING KEPT IN A BROOM CLOSET AND THE CAMPUS HASN'T BEEN SWEPT IN WEEKS BECAUSE THE ONLY BROOM FOR THE ENTIRE SCHOOL IS IN THERE AND THE LITTER IS PILING UP AND DA HOOD CIVIC ASSOCIATION CHAIRMAN[MR.CIVIC]IS FILING AN CONJUNCTION OF E PLURIBUS MINIMUS[THAT'S LEGAL TALK SIR]SO AS YOU CAN SEE IT'S A LEGAL MESS WHICH MAY TURN INTO AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT IF[TOOTSIE]DON'T TALK..SO SIR ANY HELP YOU CAN GIVE WOULD BE OF MUCH HELP...[sir you may be able to get both sides to donate the money to your campaine]!

[nativeNY63]

May I interject, sir? This legal boondogle can be cleared up toot-sweet! And they said you never use schooling in real life! Of course, I was the only Negro in a one room schoolhouse in Alabama in the 70's. The good Prof. can translate for you, sir. So, as I was saying, alls you gotta do is appoint that brilliant lawyer of Stormy's. I say appoint because he's in the pen now. When has that stopped anybody, right? Or how about just giving him a Presidential Pardon?
If Congress bucks, I got my man, O. Hay Simpson on speed dial. Or Mr. Barr will be a free agent from DOJ soon. Another option. He says if you can't come up with the 1 mil retainer fee and $1,500/hr. billable, he will accept Bitcoin currency instead. And sir, about that lost pager, I have an inside source at T-Mobile/Sprint who can unload some 1st generation beepers for you. All he's asking for is a Cabinet level position at Commerce or cybersecurity. And finally, as far as arr & bee's slogan. Nix that. And revisit and rethink the one I offered. You don't want the American people to question your commitment or qualifications fir office. Worry about that once you get into office. Don't want your campaign message to get lost in translation. What say you?

[arr&bee]

NIX THAT????? nativeNY63-HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO DA HOOD? THE FOLKS THERE LOVE JERRY AND MY SLOGAN BUT IT'S UP TO HIM TO USE IT AND AFTER I'M APPOINTED TO MY POSITION IN THE F.B.I. I'M GONNA LOOK INTO YOUR RECORDS..[of course an envelope stuffed with cash could slow things up]OR YOU CAN VOLUNTEER TO SAMPLE GRADY'S NEWEST DISH[which is worst than anything the government can do to you]THEN OF COURSE THERE IS THE ONLY OTHER ACTION FOR YOU...COME DOWN TO DA HOOD AND PLAY-SPIN DA BOTTLE WITH-LILBITS..[SHE HASN'T HAD A DATE SINCE-1972]SO SHE WON'T PLAY[HARD TO GET,AND HERS HUGS ARE,WELL LETS JUST SAY THAT THE ONLY HUGS TIGHTER WOULD COME FROM AN-ANACONDA..[practice taking very short breaths]YOU SEE,AFTER THE WORD GETS OUT ABOUT YOUR[NIXXING]MY SLOGAN FOLKS IN DA HOOD ARE GONNA ASK THE FOREMOST AUDACITY-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AUTHORITY ON WORDS..DR.VERBS WHAT THE WORD MEANS AND AFTER HE CHECKS HIS BOOKS YOU'RE GONNA BE A MARKED MAN IN DA HOOD,EVEN THAT COOL LAWYER-PERSONNA NON GRATA WON'T TAKE YOUR CASE,NOW MAYBE JUST MAYBE I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET YOU OUT OF THIS MESS OF YOUR OWN MAKING,GO DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE AND SIGN A WRIT OF DU FO NON CONTEMPTOE AND PRAY THAT THE JUDGE[THE DISHONEST-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE]THE HONORABLE JUDGE PAYOURBAIL,THIS JURIST DON'T PLAY[unless you pay,hehe]AHEM,NOW I'LL HAVE A COURT APPOINTED LAWYER THERE FOR YOU..HE'S FRESH OUT OF LAW SCHOOL..[he got fresh and they put him out]HIS NAME IS-CHUMPS B.WARE NOW HE MAY TRY TO GET YOU OFF ON AN INSANITY PLEA WHICH IF I WERE YOU I'D ACCEPT,WHERE AS THE GOOD JUDGE WILL GIVE YOU 12YRS PROBATION TO BE SERVED CONCURRENTLY ON THE FIFTH SUNDAY OF EVERY OTHER LEAP YEAR ON YEARS BEGINNING WITH ZERO,AND YOU WILL HAVE TO REPORT OT YOUR PROMOTION OFFICER-OFC.CUFFEM-THIS GUY IS TOUGH,HE LOCKED UP HIS OWN MOTHER..[of course she was insane at the time] HE DON'T PLAY FAVORITES,SO GOOD LUCK..OH AND NEXT TIME YOU WANNA DISPUTE MY SLOGAN IN DA HOOD...PAY ME FIRST AND SAVE YOURSELF THIS LONG AND USELESS POST..GOOD LUCK!!

[Jerry Oz]

I can't tell you how much I appreciate good [[free) advice on an anonymous message board as I aspire to take this country to a new level. Even though my slogan is very catchy and rolls right off the tongue, I did reconsider. And no offense Jai, but I think my new slogan is going to be the one Americans latch onto. Can't wait to put it on a red, black and green hat: Vote For Jerry If You Don't Want To Pay Taxes, Need Free Healthcare And He'll Give You A Monthly $500 Voucher For Every Hooch House In Da Hood.

Not only will that boost the economy in da hood, it'll get a bunch of suckers... of forward thinking voters to see that I am a man of the people. I'm not known as someone who necessarily lies a whole lot unless I need to in order to avoid trouble so the fools... oops... people who love me... dang... love AMERICA will vote to make things better for everybody. It makes me tear up to think about how much I'm gonna help this country. Or how proud I'll be to stand with my hand on my mint copy of Black Panther #1 as I take the oath of office with the first lady and the first, second, third, fourth, fifth and [[maybe) sixth baby mamas looking on. [[Not really sure about that sixth baby mama because little Jerry Jeronimous Oz XVII was born last week with six toes on his left foot and four on his right.) I asked Dr. Rubbummupp for a DNA test and he said he was my kid. Never knew you could confirm DNA via an internet questionnaire but I'm not exactly a man of science... If I can get a couple more hits on my gift card emails, I might be able to afford another DNA test [[or a trip to the Maury Show for a free one).

Anyway, thanks again for your advice, Gents. I won't forget your contributions to my success once I'm dealing exclusively with people who are willing to pay for my time. And don't forget:

Vote For Jerry If You Don't Want To Pay Taxes, Need Free Healthcare And He'll Give You A Monthly $500 Voucher For Every Hooch House In Da Hood.
https://media2.giphy.com/media/3osxYcwi3hCVbzNYqY/giphy.gif

[arr&bee]

YOU'RE ALWAYS WELCOME SIR,WE IN DA HOOD ARE BEHIND YOU AND WHATEVER YOU THINK IS BEST FOR OUR COUNTRY AND DA HOOD IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR US...BUT SIR,native NY63 UNFORTUNATELY WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR HIS BLATANT DISRESPECT OF DA HOOD,IF WE LET HIM GET OFF WHAT KIND OF GHETTO WOULD WE BE? I'M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND...[now he could get off with a lapdance from Lilbits,but he would never be seen again]IT'S FOR HIS OWN GOOD!

[Jerry Oz]

I think that would be kind of harsh. Lilbits once gave three guys lap dances at the same time and they never even saw each other. If she was to slip while whipping it out on nativeNY63 [[say she thought she spotted a strip club chicken wing on the floor and bent over to pick it up) the poor guy would be crushed. And of course, she'd turn around looking for him to tip her but when you're that close to the Moon you're bound to be trapped by its gravity so he wouldn't be there and she'd think that he skipped out on her. The last time that happened, she climbed the Empire State Building and swatted bi-planes like they were flies before the building collapsed under her immense girth. We can't take a chance on that happens again because if nNY63 was still stuck in her orbit, she could land on him and there'd be no chance on reviving him. Besides, he wasn't disrespecting the hood, which is a huge part of all of us. It's your heart, it's my funny bone. But say what you will, it's home unless you can afford to move.

I'm tearing up now... I might need to start up the Lincoln and go looking for some of my old friends so we can reminisce about old times. Hard to do because their babies' mom is looking for them so they can pay child support. And yeah, they all have the same babies' mom. Hope she doesn't see me creeping.

[arr&bee]

ONCE AGAIN SIR YOUR LOGIC HAS PREVAILED,I'LL SPEAK TO THE POWERS THAT BE TO SEE IF I CAN GET nativeNY63 OFF DA HOOK,BUT HE'S GONNA OWE DA HOOD BIG TIME...[I got some private merchandise that's too hot to stay here,so he's gonna keep em safe until I send for em.]SEE JUST A SMALL FAVOR NOW AND AGAIN!

[arr&bee]

SIR,GOOD NEWS JUST IN...ACCORDING TO THE BEST LAW FIRM IN DA HOOD..DUU,AS,WEE,SAYY,&GETT,OFF-WITNESSES CAN PLACE YOU IN D.C.AT THE TIME TRUMPPY RELEASED THAT TEAR GAS ON THE PROTESTERS...[YOU WERE TOURING DA HOODS IN D.C.]AND TEAR GAS GOT IN YOUR EYES WHICH CONSTITUTES ASSULT BY A POLITICAL OPPONENT WHICH HASN'T HAPPENED SINCE ARRON BURR DUALED WITH ALEXANDER HAMILTON 200 YRS AGO,NOW AS SOON AS I HAVE THE BEST EYE DR.IN DA HOOD EXAMINE YOU..THE GOOD DR.EYEDROPS WILL CONFIRM THAT INDEED TEARGAS HAS AFFECTED YOUR VISION...[he will have to drop his special eyedrops into your eyes which will make you teary eyed for about a week.he hopes]NOW ONCE THE SPECIAL PERCERCUTOR-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..PROSECUTOR THE DISHON-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..HONORABLE-GIL T. PRESENTS THIS TO THE SPECIAL GREASED-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..GRAND JURY YOU WILL BE IN THE DRIVERS SEAT BY WAY OF A LITTLE KNOWN OR USED LAW FROM[1617]STATING THAT IF ONE DUDE GETS TO THE SHORE BEFORE THE OTHER DUDE RUNNING THEN THE FIRST DUDE WINS...[it's an old law sir but the legal beagles will figure it out,we hope]ALSO WHEN WE PRODUCE YOUR ACTUAL TEARS...[produced from Madame Tears And Smokescreen Joint]RIGHT HERE IN DA HOOD,TRUMPPY WILL HAVE TO CONCEED,AND YOU WILL HAVE THE NOMINATION SIR...RUN JERRY RUN!

[Jerry Oz]

Good work, Sir. We might have to eliminate a few witnesses who saw me at the club loudly commenting during the crackdown. No more than 300-400 if I was to be conservative in my guess. But that's a small price to pay to make sure the country gets the right guy in the Whites House. I'm really feeling the momentum right now. The cops ran around me to taser protesters at the mall last week. I was worried because I had a pocket full of jewerly but no receipts and there could have been *assumptions* made as to whether they were mine or if I simply broke a window and grabbed them from behind the counter while the store manager was fighting off the other looters. I mean *shoppers*. I'm gonna look real good on election night with six Rolex watches on my arm and gold tiara inlaid with rubies, diamonds and emeralds. Style is going to be a huge part of my platform and as soon as I get my grill, America's gonna see that I got class to do the job. Anyway, let me know when the doc is ready to hook me up with the tear drops. When they compare me to President Plump, they'll see that I'm the kind of thoughtful and empathetic man that they'd trust to sleep wi... I mean to chaperone their daughters. Oh, and I'll have another 25,000 absentee ballots dropped on the corner tomorrow at midnight. Thanks, Bro!

[arr&bee]

UMM,SIR WE..[as in you]HAVE A SMALL PROBLEM,IT SEEMS THAT THOSE ABSENTEES ARRIVED ON A BOAT FROM ABSENTEENIA...[a small island off the coast of the spot where Atlantis once stood]WITHOUT A REFUGEE REFERENCE..[TRUMMPY REFUSED TO LET EM IN]SO THOSE ABSENTEE BALLOTS ARE USELESS THE CHIEF TOUCHES THE SHORES OF PLYMOUTH MASS. AND SPINS BACKWARD 14 TIMES WHILE CHANTING IN PIG LATIN,NOW SIR IF SOMEHOW YOU CAN SEND A USED TURKEY LEG BONE WRAPPED IN THE FUR OF A CANADIAN MOOSE...[he needs it to complete the ceremony]SIR HE ALSO WANTS YOU TO SIGN A TREATY WITH HIS ISLAND ONCE YOU'RE IN OFFICE,THE PROBLEM IS THAT ONLY ONE PERSON IN DA HOOD SPEAKS ABSENTEE,THE RECLUSE WHO HASN'T BEEN SEEN IN YEARS..[the only evidence that he's still alive is the pile of rusted rib bones in his yard]HE'S A ONCE TOP PROFESSOR..[PROF.SCATTERBRAIN]HE'S SO DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF DA HOOD THAT A SAFARI IS BEING PUT TOGETHER TO FIND HIM LED BY THE SMALL GAME HUNTER..POP PISTOL PHILL,I HOPE THAT HE CAN GET THERE IN TIME...WE NEED THOSE BALLOTS!!

[Jerry Oz]

Relax, Homeboy. The ballots from Abseneenia were a distraction that I sent so that the real ballots could via drone from Fooldyahuh. When they inspect those ballots from Absenteenia, they'll find out they're for a promotion for a lifetime supply of Captain Crunch. While they're scratching their heads over that, the others will be landing safe at Betty Bunn's Booty & Back Wax over on Washington Street. Betty's gonna hide them under the hair peels because the last three times her place was raided, the fuzz didn't want to touch the fuzz and it's a great place to conceal contraband. She charges a lot but she's worth every cent that I borrow. And I saw Prof. Scatterbrains at that low down hooch joint on Rufus Thomas Avenue. I remember how shocked I was when he came in because that place caters to the lowest rung of society and he used to be well respected. I had to order a few more shots to get my mind off of someone like him winding up in a dive like that. Added another $62.25 to my tab and if I don't get the loot from my GoFundMe account, I might have to find somewhere else to eat, drink and pass out on Friday. But that's all going to be a thing of the past once I'm elected because I can just pardon the tab. I can't wait!

[arr&bee]

WOW,SIR YOU ARE A LEGEND AND DA WHOLE HOOD IS A BUZZ WITH YOUR ONCE AGAIN SOLVING A DIFFICULT SITUATION WITH YOUR SAVVY AND POISE,OF COURSE THERE'S NO NEED TO FIND PROF.SCATTERBRAIN,WHICH IS A PROBLEM AS THE SAFARI HAS ALREADY BEGUN AND POP PISTOL PHILL HAS LOST HIS MIND-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..HIS MAP AND A SQUARD OF MAROONS HAS BEEN SENT TO FIND HIM...[since no marine in his right mind will come anywhere near da hood,a malignant-opps-err-ahem-hehe..a malitia was drafted from right here in da hood]THEY'RE CALLED MAROONS BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY COLOR THEY COULD GET AFTER MR.BLINDFOLDS HOUSE OF COLORS AND SOUR PICKLE JOINT WAS SHUT DOWN DUE TO LACK OF COLORS,ANYHOW THESE HENPICKED-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..HANDPICKED PAROLEES-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..PATRIOTS ARE LIKE THE NATIONAL GUARD WHEN THEY ARE LET OUT ON WORK DETAIL-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..WHEN THEIR WORK IS DETAILED FOR ASSIGNMENT THESE SODBUSTERS-OPP-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..SOLDIERS GET THE JOB DONE,WELL SIR DA WHOLE HOOD...[the ones that are still awake]IS WAITING FOR WORD OF THIS UNDERTAKING,STAY TUNED SIR!

[arr&bee]

SIR AN INCIDENT HAS COME UP AND I'M BRINGING IT TO ATTENTION,AS THE PEOPLE IN DA HOOD RESPECT YOUR JUDGEMENT AND YOUR WORD IS LAW..NOW IT SEEMS THAT WHEN THE DIPLOMATS FROM-RESEMBIA RETURNED HOME ONE OF THEIR PARTY WAS MISSING..[the third stepson of the king on his fourth wife's bad side.]NOW ACCORDING TO LOCAL GOSSIP[the old lady down the street]THE PRINCE WANTS DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY AND HAS CHANGED HIS LOOKS AS IT SEEMS HE HAS HAD PLASTIC SURGERY BUT HE MADE A WRONG TURN AT THE END OF DA BLOCK AND ENDED UP AT THE ANIMAL PLASTIC SURGERY CLINIC WHERE ANIMALS ON THE RUN GO TO CHANGE THEIR LOOKS,WELL AS A RESULT HE NOW HAS THE FACE OF A TURTLE WHICH IS FORBIDDEN IN RESEMBIA SINCE THE TURTLE WAR OF 1949 WHEN RENEGADE TURTLES ATTEMPTED TO INVADE THE COUNTRY,THE HEAD DOCTOR AT THE CLINIC[DR.WHACK]IS ASKING FOR POLITICAL ASYLUM OUTSIDE OF DA HOOD..[he wants to know if there's room in the trunk of the Lincoln]MEANWHILE THE KING IS THREATENING WAR...[upwards of five canoes were spotted off the coast of the rock of gilbralta]THEY'RE PLANNING A SNEAK ATTACK SO THEY TOOK THE LONG WAY ROUND,ANYHOW IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY AS THEY WILL LISTEN TO YOU SIR,AS YOUR DIPLOMACY IS LEGENDARY,THANK YOU SIR!

[Jerry Oz]

I'm on it. I put a bike patch on my rubber dinghy and should have it filled up by tomorrow at noon. I'll meet the canoe delegation and offer them a bag of White Castles if they turn around [[I'll take two bags in case they play hardball). Ever since the last White Castle closed in Resembia three years ago they've been trying to get a franchise but you can't buy a franchise with coconuts and monkey poo which are the national currency in Resembia. Apparently, the asking price got up to 40,000 coconuts and seven buckets of poo before negotiations broke off. I'm really hoping they'll take the one bag because if they want both, I won't have anything to eat on the way back. Just to be safe, I'll snatch a few pickles and scrape some reconstituted onions off the sliders because I get grumpy when I'm hungry and my wife will cop an attitude if I already have one.

Thanks for letting me know there was a pending international crisis. Unfortunately, the only asylum I can offer anybody is at U.B. Crazimann's Waffles and Booby Hatch over on Homeboy Place and since they failed inspection, they can't provide waffles so things are a little crazy over there right now. I would let him hang out in the trunk but since the cadaver dog keeps hitting back there, I can't take any chances so let him know that's gonna be a "nope". Can't help everybody but I'm glad I'm so good at helping myself. Thanks again for your support.

[arr&bee]

Sir,if i may...word on da street is that a protest is planned for your inargeration from the[first of da month mammas]it seems these ladies are pissed because their checks have been slow in coming since the recession and they can't buy those groovy first of da month outfits that are important here in da hood,also it could hurt da hood economy as such enterprises as..al-cho-hal al's gin n tater chips joint-big butt buhlas's lapdance n pigtails eatery n dance club-sneaky snuggys haf pint n ill gotten gains emporium and gentelmen's club-mr shouds lung clinic n cigar lounge,now of course grady could and will fund all of these fine businesses the problem is he wants[80%]of all crim-opp-err-ahem-hehe..all community funds or the owners have to work in his kitchen which has been condemed in all[48 states and alaska]now da hood needs these businesses to function or real-opp-err-ahem-hehe..rival businesses will take possession and court action will be out of control,just want to give you a headsup on this potential disruption on your big day-run jerry run!

[Jerry Oz]

I've given that some thought, Homeboy. Tell the hood mamas that I'll sign legislation on day #1 to make sure they get paid on time if they all complete their information on their mail-in ballots [[including signatures) but don't make their selections. Then they can send them into my campaign headquarters [[located at Ally Bubba's Internet Cafe & Toe Nail Buff 'n Wax over on Farrakhan Lane). I'm gonna need at least 5,000 ballots. I know they love me so they won't have a problem with me verifying that romance by letting me fill their ballots out. It's kind of a "you-scratch-my-back-and-I'll-give-you-back-your-scratch" type of deal. It's not that I don't trust them to take the loot and not vote for me, it's just that I don't think they'll do it unless I make them. And they owe me because I went to a baby kissing event at Child Services Administration last month when they told me there would be 200 people there. Well, there were 209 women but they had 2,306 kids for me to kiss. I ran out out of lip balm and I'm pretty sure some of those ankle biters had COVID-2000 or something because they sneezed every time I went to kiss them. Thank God I wore my old Darth Vader mask instead of a regular surgical mask or I might be sick right now. When somebody suggested that it was inappropriate to kiss the kids from under a mask I asked if they were saying that because the mask was black and they had to back off for fear of a protest breaking out. Anyway, it took two days to get all of the snot and baby juices off of my mask and now I need to start a GoFundMe to get enough money [[$25,000) to pay for it. So far, I've raised $3.56 along with what's left on a gift card for Sheeza Stank's Brazilian Wax & Porcelain Palace over on Bigbooty Way [[I think it's about $8 on the card). I'd hate to sue Child Services but that mask cost me $25 back in 1978 and it'd be hard to replace. Anyway, I love my voters! God bless America! Vote for me if you want to see a successful Black man move into the Whites House again without being a butler! Let this one crab get out the barrel, y'all!!

BTW: That's my new campaign slogan.

Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!
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[arr&bee]

SIR,YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN,SOLVED A POTENTIAL PROBLEM AND MADE ALL THE CRABS IN DA HOOD PROUD...NOW SIR A SMALL MATTER HAS COME ACROSS MY DESK..[a paper airplane with writing on it slid right over it]IT SEEMS THAT A DISPUTE IS BREWING BETWEEN THE PROPRIETOR OF[UNCLE ELI'S ROCK QUARRY AN SNUFF DIPPIN EMPORIUM DOWN AT THE EDGE OF TOWN AT 99TH & FRED SANFORD BLVD]AND COUSIN BURPY WHO RUN THE[DIRTY SALT WATER FOOT SOAK N TAFFY PARK]ACROSS THE STREET,NOW IT SEEMS THAT SOME OF THE DIRTY WATER GOT MIXED IN WITH THE SNUFF FIXINS AND THEY GOT WET SO BEFORE THE SHOOTING STARTS I HAD THEM SEE THE LEGAL FOLKS DOWN ON THAT END...[LETT.MEE.CEE.THA.CASH]AND AFTER THEY LOOKED INTO THE MATTER IT SEEMS THAT BOTH PROPERTIES SIT ON FEDERAL LAND..[old man federal died a hundred years ago]BUT HE NEVER SIGNED OVER HIS DEED...[he was sixty years behind in his payments]WELL SIR THIS COULD START A CIVIL WAR,AND THE FOLKS DOWN HERE DON'T WANT SNUFF MUDBALLS AND TAFFY FLYING BACK AND FORTH...[that stuff is murder to remove]SO BEFORE THE FEDS ARRIVE[the old man's relatives]WHO ACTUALLY HAVE THE DEED BUT WON'T LET GO BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BUILD A OIL AND VINEGAR DRIVE IN ON THE SITE,MAYBE YOU COULD LOOK INTO THIS BEFORE THE NEWSPAPERS GET INVOLVED...[sir there are some votes and dollars to be had here towards your campaine of course]ANYTHING YOU CAN DO WOULD BE WONDERFUL...[one small thing sir,old man Federal stole that name from the old fort that once stood on the site of the dispute and since the fort was on actual federal land the Government is responsible.]THIS WAS BROUGHT TO THE ATTENTION OF THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION BUT HE'S IN HIS BUNKER WITH THE PHONE TURNED OFF SO THIS MAY DRAG ON INTO YOUR ADMINISTRATION,THANK YOU SIR!!

[Jerry Oz]

I'm going to fill that bunker with gravel. Nobody's going to go down there again after I'm officially Da Man. Unless I can sterilize it, in which case I'll have my thong wearing interns use it as a lounge. Slick Willy would be proud and I can't wait to inspect them. I mean inspect the bunker. Anyway, I thought of a great solution to the problem. I'm going to tell Duufuss that Lilbits has bags of pork rinds in her backpack and I'm going to tell Lilbits that Duufuss is stowing Big Macs in his fanny pack and send them both to the site. Since Lilbits can't see Duufuss' fanny from the front, she'll stop at nothing to get behind him. And since Duufuss can't see Lilbits back from the front, he'll go nuts trying to get behind her. Between the two of them [[unmovable object vs irresistable force - we're finally gonna see what prevails) they'll level the property and I'll come through with federal grants [[for a one time processing fee [[payable to Oz, Jerry), of course) for both parties to rebuild. I'll make money, they'll thank me for slipping them the loot and Lilbits and Duufuss will both get some exercise. Don't worry, they'll both get too hungry to hurt each other after a couple of minutes so most of the damage they cause will be to the property and any reporters/witnesses too stoopid to stay out of the way. I figure a day or so after they start will be long enough and I'll toss Duufuss some pork rinds while having a friend drag a trailer with 30 or so Big Macs on it away from the scene. When she catches up, she'll be happy, Duufuss will be happy, Uncle Eli and Cousin Burpy will be paid and I'll be a hood legend. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. I live to do the right thing for my voters.

[arr&bee]

SIR,YOU ARE TRULY A GENIUS[AND SMART TOO]THE WAY YOU CHEAT-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..CHECK INTO THESE DIFFICULT MATTERS IS AMAZING,AND SIR YOU ARE ALREADY A LEGEND....[anyone who comes into da hood as much as you and avoids Grady's is in like Flint]...RUN JERRY RUN!!

[arr&bee]

SIR,DA HOOD IS VERY PROUD OF YOU AND YOUR COMING PRESIDENCY,BUT JUST ONE LITTLE THING IF I MAY,UNLIKE OTHER HOODS THIS ONE ACTUALLY HAS TWO MAYORS AND BOTH WANT TO SPEAK AT YOUR CEREMONY,THE PROBLEM IS THAT THEY BOTH WANT TO SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME,LITERALLY, WAY BACK WHEN DA HOOD WAS SETTLED ONE MAYOR FROM THE NORTHSIDE AND THE OTHER FROM THE SOUTHSIDE RAN TOGETHER UNTIL THEY BOTH GOT LOST ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF DA HOOD,WELL EACH DECIDED TO STAY WHERE HE WAS AND BECAME BITTER RIVALS NEITHER GIVING AN INCH IF ONE BUILDS A JOINT THE OTHER BUILDS ONE TOO ON THE SAME DAY,THEY WON'T GIVE IN AND BOTH ARE LONG WINDED..THEY BOTH ONCE GAVE A SPEECH WHICH LASTED A WEEK WITHOUT TAKING A BREAK RAIN OR SHINE,I'VE TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT YOUR SPEECH IS IMPORTANT BUT THEY WON'T BUDGE THEY WILL WITHOLD FUN AT THE JOINTS AND WITHOUT FUN THE LAPDANCE GIRLS CAN'T WORK WHICH WOULD CAUSE A RECESSION AND DEPRESSION,THE MONEY WOULD DRY UP AND IT WOULD BE CATASTROPHIC[and bad too]MAYBE SIR YOU CAN GET THEM TO SEE THE LIGHT,THANK YOU SIR..RUN JERRY RUN!

[Jerry Oz]

Thanks for letting me know. I think I have a solution to that situation. Two days before the speech, I'm going to meet them in a round room and tell them that I have a friend with a bag of money sitting in a corner and the first one to find him will get a bribe. That'll keep them busy for weeks. By the time they figure it out, I'll already have accepted the nomination and got a huge boost in the polls. In the meantime, I'll install mayors on the east and west sides and they'll shmooze up to the north and south side hood peeps and by the time Dumb and Dumber find the door in the round room, their constituents will have already abandoned them. I have just the guys to do it too. My old friend Denzel Jefferson and Jenzel Washington both owe me favors because I got them out of trouble when they were making money signing Denzel Washington's autographs at comic book conventions. I showed the judge clips from their big hit bootlegs "Malcolm S", "Training Today", "The Hurricane II" and "The Pelican Briefs" and he was so impressed, he asked for their autographs too. But they look enough like Denzel Washington that every woman in the hood will want them to be mayor. Well, except for Jenzel Washington's huge strawberry birthmark on the left half of his face and Denzel Jefferson's huge beer gut and bad case of the tetters. But close enough that I'll be able to put my two patsies... I mean proxies in important community positions. I'm feeling better about my chances because I feel better about my choices. I'm this close to being able to pardon myself from all of that child support. God bless America.

Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!
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[arr&bee]

SIR,HOW DO YOU DO IT? I HAVE COPIES OF BOTH THOSE CLASSIC BOOT LEGS AT DA CRIB..YOU KNOW ALL THE STARS AND IT SEEMS THAT MOST OF EM OWE YOU A FAVOR WHICH IS GOOD FOR OUR COUNTRY...[and getting you out of tight spots,hehe]SIR YOUR QUICK WIT AND GREASY PALM IS THE STUFF OF GENIUS[and smart too]WHERE WOULD THIS COUNTRY,AND DA HOOD BE WITHOUT YOU? RUN-JERRY RUN!!

[arr&bee]

SIR,AS IT GETS CLOSER TO YOUR BIG DAY,MANY FOLKS IN DA HOOD WANT TO BE A PART OF YOUR ADMINISTRATION AND A PART OF HISTORY...[but mostly because they wanna get paid]MY OFFICE IS GETTING MANY APPLICATIONS..[but mostly hand written notes and pleas]FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE,AND SOME STRANGE LIFE IS HERE IN DA HOOD,I HAVE A LETTER HERE FROM A DR.SMACKSMOOT WHO SAYS THAT HE CAN GET YOU A GOOD DEAL ON MASK...[not covid-just mask]..ALSO A MS.WINK..[she says that you would get the message]..HERE'S ONE FROM A PROF.MULINIMILISISM..[he says that his name alone should be enough to get him in]..AND ONE FROM BROTHER MUMBLES DA NUMBERS MAN..[he says that you should abolish the lottery and bring back the street numbers and let him run it]..THERE'S ONE HERE FROM MAMA SMALLTALK WHO SAYS THAT SHE'S A TRAINED DOG WALKER AND ROOT WORKER,SO SIR AS YOU CAN SEE EVERYBODY WANTS IN..DA HOOD IS YOURS SIR-RUN JERRY RUN!!

[Jerry Oz]

And I love my supporters. I wrote responses to every single letter that I've received but my tab with the Post Office is now over $30,000 and they won't let me send anything until I cough up the loot. I checked the GoFundMe for the little sick kids and so far it's only received $18.17 in pledges [[against which I've borrowed $9,353.58 to upgrade the Lincoln). I really need donations right now because I can't afford to file bankruptcy yet and until I do, I'm gonna need to keep hiding out in the Sears & Roebuck bathroom until after they close to make sure they lock their tills. I figure it's a lesson learned when they find out the loot is gone so it's not like stealing or something [[which I'm mostly against). They got smart two weeks ago and had a security guard [[Brother Muhammad Epstein from Temple #12 on Mydude Street downtown) who brought his Doberman with him. But Brother Epstein weighs 585 pounds after his appearance on My 600 Pound Life and went into a diabetic coma after eating a bag of Twinkies that I left by the front door and his dog is so fat it only walks so I got out by moonwalking after I took the cash from the cash register knowing that it couldn't catch me. I should probably feel bad but when I remind myself that I'm doing it all for the people, I sleep easy at night. Anyways, let the folks know that when I win, I'm going to write thank you letters to everybody [[I plan to take 5 minutes out of every day to write them until I'm caught up). I love my people but I love the ones who send cash the most.

Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!
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[arr&bee]

SIR,SINCE YOUR WONDERFUL NEWS ABOUT WRITING THANK YOU NOTES,CROWDS HAVE BEEN GATHERING AT THE[BERTHA BUTT MEMORIAL LIBRARY]WAITING FOR THEIR NAMES TO BE MENTIONED...[most of these voters don't go to the post office because they don't have mailboxes]THEY DON'T HAVE POST OFFICE BOXES EITHER BECAUSE ALL THE BOXES ARE FULL OF BILLS FROM THE POST OFFICE,BUT THEY ARE HERE RAIN OR SHINE WAITING TO HEAR YOUR LETTERS,DA HOOD IS YOURS!

[Jerry Oz]

Oh, cool. I just saw where I can type one letter and put different information in it to make it look like it went to different people. I can type up one of those letters and in half a day make it look like I took care to write to all of my voters. For example:

Dear [name]: Thank you for your kind [object] of support. This road is difficult and having [description] like you behind me makes it all worth it. I look forward to [verb] you again and hope you're [verb 2] for me as soon as possible. Your dear [relationship] for life, Jerry Oz.

I used that letter and was able to write the following:

Dear LadeTashitina: Thank you for your kind donation of loot of support. This road is difficult and having donors with deep pockets like you behind me makes it all worth it. I look forward to fleecing you again and hope you're sending more money for me as soon as possible. Your dear public servant for life, Jerry Oz.

[[also)

Dear Alvin: Thank you for your kind words [[you cheap SOB) of support. This road is difficult and having hangers on with nothing more than a vote and a hand out for help like you behind me makes it all worth it. I look forward to avoiding you again and hope you're losing contact information for me as soon as possible. Your dear nightmare if you keep bugging me for life, Jerry Oz.

They'll all think that I'm writing to them personally! And I'll make the letters to people that I don't like public to embarrass everybody into sending me money instead of all of those annoying requests to help them get jobs. Game changer.

[arr&bee]

SIR,YOUR POPULARITY IS BECOMING LEGENDARY,WORD ON DA STREET IS THAT TWO BIG THINGS ARE IN THE WORKS..ONE THE CREATION OF THE[two and a half dollar bill]WITH YOUR PICTURE ON IT OF COURSE..[two and a half so if you get in trouble you won't have to pay the other half]AND THE PLANS FOR YOU TO BE IMMOBILIZED-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..IMMORTALIZED WITH A STATUE,NOW THE NAMES BEING THROWN OUT-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AROUND ARE DA HOOD'S OWN..[CLAYPOT'S CLERMONT]WHO RUNS CLERMONTS CLAY AND BUTTERBEANS EMPORIUM AT THE SOUTH EDGE OF DA HOOD,AND..[MUDPACK MICKY]WHO RUNS-MICKY'S MUDBATH AND MUSTARD GREENS JOINT,SIR THESE ARE JUST TWO HONORS AWAITING YOU-RUN JERRY RUN.

[Jerry Oz]

I'm honored. Sort of. I mean, if they're going to use the photo of me in my cornrows on the two fitty, I'm on board. But if they drag out the one from the '80s of me in my Jheri curls and with that gold tooth that I swallowed when I passed out at Harvey's Head Shop & Chili [[after eating a bad bean) then I might have to file an injunction. Seeing that gold tooth every time I pulled out my wallet would break my heart. And the statues will come in handy when I'm being chased... I mean if I have a need to evade some of my adoring public. I can just stand still in a hood full of Jerry Oz statues and they'll run right by. I love my people. But they need to send in their loot. I might have to do a PSA encouraging them to spend all of their EBT on the first of the month and then sell the food for half price [[in cash) and send the cheddar my way. This can't be a one way relationship with me loving them with no reciprocation. But I know they'll do the right thing to make sure I reach my potential. I mean to make sure I can make things better for all of my voters. I need to go out and find some baby with a mask so I can kiss it for my campaign ads. Finding that video camera on the counter at the pawn shop when the owner went back to check my slip for the pager I hocked was the best thing that happened to me last week. I asked if it belonged to anybody and since nobody answered [[nobody was in the shop) I just assumed it was finders keepers. It'll keep my expenses for the ads low and I can make extra campaign loot by filming "blue" movies and selling them on the street. Of course, my version of a "blue" movie is pointing the camera at a blue wall for 90 minutes. If somebody made the mistake and thought that the half-naked lady on the box meant it was some other kind of flick, I can't be held responsible. That's between them and their pastors, ya know? Anyway, those babies ain't kissing themselves so I have to head out. Remember:

Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!
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[arr&bee]

WELL SIR,PUCKER UP BECAUSE WHEN WORD GOT OUT ABOUT THE BABY KISSING ALL THE[BABY MAMA'S]IN DA HOOD ARE LINING UP...[it's a long line sir]THEY'RE WILLING TO DONATE A QUARTER FROM EACH WELFARE-STIMILUS CHECK FOR EACH BABY KISSED...[and some of these mama's have five -six babies]BUT BY THE TIME YOU KISS EACH AND EVERYONE OF THESE LITTLE BRAT'S-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..LITTLE BABES YOUR COFFERS WILL BE LOOKING GOOD,OH ONE SMALL TINY LITTLE THING SIR-HEHE-AHEM-UMM..SIR SOME OF THEM WANT YOU TO CHANGE THE PAMPERS BEFORE YOU KISS EM,IT SEEMS THAT ONCE THE WORD GOT OUT THE RUSH TO BE THE FIRST IN LINE IS SO GREAT THAT SOME OF THE LITTLE TYKES WILL HAVE TO BE CHANGED,IF I MAY SUGGEST SIR THAT YOU SHOW UP ON THE FIRST OF THE MONTH SO THAT CHECKS CAN BE CASHED...[sir you might want to wear something made with rubber in case of any and most likely little accidents-poo-pee,little things like that]WE ARE CHANGING BABIES AFTER ALL...OPPS...DID I SAY WE??? YOU SIR,IT'S ALL FOR YOU DA MAMA'S IN DA HOOD AWAIT YOU SIR...[you may want to practice pamper changing sir]RUN JERRY RUN!

[Jerry Oz]

I might have to give that some thought. The last time I signed a contract to kiss babies for cash that included changing diapers, some funny guy scribbled "mamas" into the contract right after the word "baby" and I wound up changing adult diapers for 358 babies mamas. It was that or I was going to be Sued and that wouldn't have ended well because Sue was the first in line and she was a 6'4" 435 pound former wrestler and I'm pretty sure she would have pounded me into dust. But with that being said, let me do the cost benefit analysis of having my stunt double [[my cousin Boogie Boo who looks kind of like me in dark light) doing it for me. Wearing a mask, they couldn't tell the difference in the dark. Boogie Boo will do it for $35 [[which will pay for his fix for the next week) and if I can clear $60 [[not including all of the Pepto-Bismol and cotton that Boogie Boo will need to stuff in his nose [[let alone the PTSD therapy)), then I might be able to work it out. If I can get $60 on top of what Boogie Boo needs, then I can take $20 of it to Highway Harry's Strip Club & Recyclables and change a couple of babes instead of babies. It'll be a win-win-win-win. Babies get kissed/changed, Boogie Boo stays out of the joint for a couple of hours, I get to campaign for the girls at Highway Harry's and I'll come out with $40 on top of everything.

Things are falling into place! Looks like I'm going to the Whites House, y'all!!!

[arr&bee]

HOW DO YOU DO IT SIR?...[NIXON WOULD BE PROUD]YOU ARE TRULY...DA MAN,WELL SIR AS ALWAYS,SOMETHING IS ALWAYS BREWING IN DA HOOD AND WITH THE [4TH OF JULY]COMING UP ALTHOUGH NO FIREWORKS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THAT NEVER STOPPED FOLKS DOWN HERE,WITH THAT SAID...[MATCHLIGHT MOOCHIE]THE DUDE IN CHARGE OF FIREWORKS-WINK-WINK HAS SOME ILL-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..INTERGRATED SPARKLERS..[only ten tons of tnt]AND ROCKETS...[only two hundred tons of fuel]AND DUUFUSS GOT HIS HANDS ON SOME MISSILES...[nobody ever ask where he gets them]AND DA FOLKS WANT YOU TO LIGHT THE FUSE TO GET THIS CELEBRATION GOING...[the fuse is a hundred feet long so that you can get to safety]THOSE RUMORS OF A MOUNTAIN TOP IN OUTER MONGOLIA BEING BLOWN OFF IS A LIE STARTED BY THE OTHER PARTY TO DISCREDIT YOUR CAMPAINE SIR...[the fact that duufuss was spotted in the area is just a coincidence]ANYHOW SIR THIS WILL BE A FUN TIME FOR ALL AND IF AND WHEN ANY OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT CARS SHOW UP ONCE THEY SEE YOU ALL WILL BE GOOD,YOU CAN VOUCH FOR DA HOOD...[before the tanks roll in]HEHE,THEY SEEM TO THINK THAT DA HOOD IS A DANGER TO THE COUNTRY,WE JUST LIKE TO CELEBRATE LIKE ANYONE ELSE...[those little missile silos will be taken down before dawn]SO SIR WE HOPE TO SEE YOU ON THIS BIG AMERICAN DAY,AS ALWAYS DA HOOD IS YOURS-RUN JERRY RUN!

[Jerry Oz]

Wow. That all sounds like a lot of fun but since I'm not allowed to touch anything loud as a condition of my release, I'm prolly gonna have to pass. Rumor has it that I was found drunk and with a hammer at the bottom of a missile silo in North Dakota, banging away on a bomb. I told them it could have been any black guy down there doing it and they had no evidence, they brought up the fact that they caught me in the act and there wasn't another black dude in North Dakota that month. I still think their case was flimsy and since I was blackout drunk, I dispute their version of facts. But since that and the time I tied a torch to a monkey's tail and let it run loose through an M80 factory, I have the unfair lable of being a public threat who shouldn't be permitted anywhere near bombs, fireworks, gasoline, kerosene, nitro-glycerine, nuclear power plants or Ex-lax. I expect to get the record expunged sometime in the next 20 years and going to the 4th of July celebration might push that back by another 30 years or so. I might send Boogie Boo with his mask [[if it's out of the washer by then, not sure how all of that blood got on it) and maybe if he keeps his mouth shut, my fans will think he's me. Tell the folks that I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to pass on this one. But also, to keep the loot flowing. The 4th of July is during the first week of the month and they shouldn't spend all of their EBT at the celebration when they know that I need the cash more than they do. Sharing is caring! Thanks again, Homeboy!

[arr&bee]

SIR,I'VE HAD TALKS WITH THE RECLUELESS-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..RECLUSIVE LAND OWNER WHO RESIDES AT THE FAR END OF DA HOOD ON HIS FARM...[he doesn't actually grow anything,because the soil is rotten]BUT ANYHOW IT IS A LOT OF LAND AND[BARON RECLUSE...not his real name because he's got some baby mamas lurking and he won't pay alimony]ANYHOW SIR,THE BARON IS A BIG FAN OF YOURS....[he also owes a lot of back taxes]AND HE WANTS YOU TO CONSIDER USING HIS FARM FOR YOUR PRESIDENTIAL GETAWAY,INSTEAD OF CAMP DAVID THIS WOULD BE A WHOLE NEW THING IN HISTORY...[and he hopes you can get him off the hook with the IRS]THERE'S PLENTY OF LAND HERE,AND YOU CAN GO[QUICKSAND HUNTING]OR SWAMP GOLFING OR BIG GAME HUNTING IN DA WEEDS..[lots of weeds sir]...[there's actually no game here but just finding your way out is an adventure in itself]BUT THE BARON HAS A BIG HOUSE AND HE ALSO HAS SNAPPING TURTLES..[put here to keep out the feds and the baby mamas]IT WOULD BE A DIFFERENT KIND OF PRESIDENTIAL THING THAT YOU MAY GET A KICK OUT OF..ONE SMALL THING SIR..REMEMBER TO WEAR BOOTS TO KEEP THE SNAPPERS AT BAY,BUT THE BARON SAYS THAT AFTER A FEW DAYS THEY CALM DOWN,THERE'S ALSO FISHING HERE...[do you like swamp guppees sir?]THEY ONLY SWIM HERE,WELL SIR THE BARON WANTED YOU TO GET THE INVITE FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION..IT'S LOCATED WAY DOWN AT THE SOUTHERN TIP OF DA HOOD JUST PAST DA CONTAMINATED SALT AN LAME WATER PLANT...[just follow the stench sir]IT'S JUST OFF SOULTRAIN LANE,WELL I KNOW YOU'RE A BUSY MAN SO I'LL AWAIT YOUR WORD,THANK YOU SIR...RUN JERRY RUN!

[Jerry Oz]

I'll have to have my advisors look into that. If the Baron is on the up and up [[besides that tax thing) then maybe I can work it out for a small financial consideration to my political action committee. But if he's got things in his background that might get the attention of my parole offic... my chief advisor then Imma have to find some other terms to accept his cash. I mean work with him. And correct me if I heard wrong but I thought that the Baron's snapping turtles was what he called his babies' mamas, not what he used to keep them away. Or maybe he called them pit bulls. Something, I dunno. Anyway, I'm leery of any "fish" found down in that part of the hood because I know there was a huge hole in the sewer line out of the hood and a lot of those fish don't swim [[although a bunch of them float). I might be able to have the EPA consider his property a toxic site and funnel a few million dollars in his direction if he can make sure a couple of them make their way back. After all, I'm planning on ordering a pair of gators for my inauguration and they don't buy themselves so I need these people to start pulling my weight. But once again, I lvoe my voters. Let them know that I'm recording a YouTube video just for them to express my appreciation and I'm going to post it as soon as I figure out how to make them pay to watch it. This thing is going to happen. When I called to find my poll results this morning, instead of asking who I am, they told me that their lawyers would contact me if I continued to call them. So that means the polling companies know about me and that's a huge step to legitimacy. I can feel the love! Anyway, Vote For Jerry. Let This One Crab Get Out The Barrel, Y'all!!!
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[arr&bee]

SIR,I WAS OVER AT DA-LOCAL POLITICAL CENTER AN JUTEBOX EMBASSARIUM THE OTHER DAY,WHEN THE SUBJECT OF YOUR RUNNING MATE CAME UP I EXPLAINED TO THE GENTLEMEN THERE THAT YOU MORE THAN LIKELY HAVE YOUR NO.2 IN MIND BUT YOU'RE SO LOVED HERE...[and they wanna get paid]THAT THEY WANNA KNOW IF YOU WOULD CONSIDER PICKING SOMEONE FROM RIGHT HERE IN DA HOOD,NOW SOME NAMES WERE THROWN AROUND...[one almost hit me]SUCH AS ..RUNNIN RODNEY..[he doesn't do much except run all over da hood,from his days of running from the cops]HE JUST KEEPS RUNNING BUT HE KNOWS YOU AND WANTS TO RUN WITH YOU..[I've tried to explain to him but he always reminds me that he has his GED from night school]ANOTHER POTENTIAL CANDIDATE IS-SMARTMOUTH SMITTY..[so named because he thinks he's always talking smart to folks although nobody knows what he's talking about]BUT HE CLAIMS TO KNOW POLITICS AND WANTS TO BE ON THE TICKET..[mostly a meal ticket]NOW THERE IS ONE WHO MIGHT FIT THE BILL SIR-DEBBIE DEBATER,THAT'S RIGHT SIR A FEMALE BUT SHE GOT HER NAME BECAUSE OF HER ABILITY TO TALK HER WAY OUT OF LEGAL JAMS...[she got into a bit of trouble some time back because of certain night activities]BUT SHE'S BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-SOCIALIZED AND HAS BEEN READING ABOUT POLITICS AND SHE ACTUALLY GRADUATED FROM REFORM SCHOOL WITH A CERTIFICATE IN CERTIFICATION,WELL SIR THEY WANT TO STAND WITH YOU ON THE PODIUM,JUST WANNA GIVE YOU A HEADS UP..RUN JERRY RUN.

[Jerry Oz]

I might have to let a few folks down. Artie "The Murderous Lech" found me sleeping in the trunk of the Lincoln yesterday. Didn't know that Mrs. Murderous Lech had a GPS on her phone or I wouldn't have let her sleep with me because that's how he found me. When he cracked open the trunk and found us platonically resting [[it might have looked bad because we both sleep better in the nude) he asked what was going on. I had to think on my feet [[or actually, my butt) and told him that she was there to vouch for him as a vice-presidential candidate and that as far as what she shared, everything felt good [[that part was actually quite true) and that I was leaning heavily toward making him my VP. Artie was so excited, he offered to cancel half of my debt if I let him run with me. I'm really not, but I can't announce that just yet. But suffice it to say, if I announce any of your homeboys as my veep, Artie will kill them before they can sober up to accept. Thanks for looking out for me but I'll announce my vice-president at the convention after "interviewing" a few more of the candidates' wives.

[arr&bee]

GULP...NOBODY IN DA HOOD MESSES WITH ARTIE,THIS GUY IS SO TOUGH THAT ONCE HE WENT INTO GRADY'S TO COLLECT HIS PROTECTION MONEY..[little know fact-even Grady pays tribute to this gangster]WELL GRADY DECIDES THAT HE'S NOT GONNA PAY SO HE INVITE ARTIE TO ONE OF HIS SPECIAL MEALS[the kind that sends ordinary folks to the hospital]WELL ARTIE NOT ONLY ATE TWO HELPINGS BUT HAD A SLICE OF GRADY'S-INFAMOUS COCONUT CAKE,BELCHED AND TOLD GRADY THAT HE HAD UNTIL SUNDOWN TO GET THAT MONEY,GRADY THOUGH HE HAD SEEN THE LAST OF ARTIE..[since nobody in da hood has EVER survived two of his meals]UNTIL ARTIE SHOWED UP FIT AS A FIDDLE TO COLLECT...GRADY PAID UP AND NOBODY EVER MISSES A PAYMENT TO ARTIE....INCLUDING ME-GULP!!!

[Jerry Oz]

I might have gotten lucky. Arturo dropped his cell phone when he was reaching for his gun after finding out about my "interview" with Mrs. The Murderous Lech and I figured out his password [[IK1LL4L00T&FUN - it's tattooed to his forearm and I figured there must be a reason). Anyway, he took selfies of himself smiling with the bodies after his last 22 murders and the photos managed to find their way to the cloud along with a message from an anonymous source that my debt needs to be forgiven or they would find their way to the police. When he asked if I sent the note, I asked him "What note?" while offering him a large bag of Ruffles and he seemed to think that somebody else was behind the extortion. With that being said, since I'm no longer in debt to The Murderous Lech, I can offer my veep slot to the highest bidder. When opportunity knocks... Besides all of that, I was able to pawn the cell phone off while wearing an old Richard Nixon Halloween mask and made enough to put $10 in my Lincoln AND get a happy meal from Grady's. I should have bought lottery tickets with the loot but I've never been smart with money on an empty stomach.

[arr&bee]

SIR,ONCE AGAIN YOU GOTTEN OUT OF A TIGHT JAM WITH YOUR WIT...[and a lucky drop of the phone,hehe]WORD WILL SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE AND THE CANDIDATES WILL BE LINING UP,THE SUN CAN SHINE ON DA HOOD ONCE AGAIN SIR WITH YOU AS THE BEST CON-MAN-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..WITH THE CONFIDENCE OF DA PEOPLE THIS COUNTRY WILL ONCE AGAIN BE RESTORED...SIR WORD ON DA STREET SAYS THAT[RUDY'S RUSTBOTTOM AN BALDTIRE GARAGE]DOWN AT THE CORNER OF-75TH & J.J.WALKER LN]IS OFFERING A FREE GAS EM UP FOR THE LINCOLN WHENEVER YOU'RE DOWN HIS WAY..[and he's way down]EVER SINCE HE FIXED[PIMPIN PHIL'S]CADDY SOME YEARS BACK AND THE MOTOR FELL OUT AS THE ONLY THING THAT SAVED RUSTY WAS THE FACT THAT THE COPS WERE HOT ON PIMPIN'S TAIL AND RUSTY HAD TO MOVE TO THE LOW END OF DA HOOD FOR HIS SAFETY...[Pimpin is doing 75 to life]BUT RUSTY AIN'T TAKING NO CHANCES..[you may not recognize him today sir]RUSTY WAS A TALL GUY BUT HE HAD SPECIAL SURGERY SO TODAY HE'S-4'6 EVEN WITH LIFTS AND A TOP HAT..WELL SIR THAT'S THE WORD OF DA DAY-RUN JERRY RUN!

[Jerry Oz]

I was on my way to get gas from Rusty but I stopped by Grady's on the way and got a bowl of his black beans and beef liver stew and now, I have more gas than I can use. I'm actively negotiating with Goodyear to see if they want to purchase some for the blimps but I'm holding out for filling up five and they only want to buy enough for three. If I fill up three, I still have to get rid of the rest of it and that might not be a good thing. The last time I had this much gas, I went to the beach and farted in the water moments before nine Blue Whales beached themselves on the shore. If it wasn't for all of the buzzards circling ten feet over my head, I might have gotten away with it. I'm seconds away from an environmental disaster of huge dimenision if I sneeze or hiccup, so I might have to go ahead with the three blimp deal. Heck, I might give them a buy-three-get-two special just to feel better. Besides, I have another few bowls of stew and I can't eat them until I make room. I tried to buy some bicarb from the drug store but they're out of the industrial strength formulation and the regular stuff only makes my problem worse. Anyway, it's too hot to drive the Lincoln with the windows down and driving with them up so I can use the air conditioner is a potentially fatal blunder at this point. What if I run over a pothole? Sneeze? I'll figure it out. Tell Rusty I'll be there as soon as I can figure out a safe way to do it. If I recall correctly, Rusty is a smoker and striking a match anywhere within 20 yards of me could leave the hood flat. Thanks for the head's up! I'm dropping off another 3,000 absentee ballots on the corner of Tupac Lane and Weezy Jefferson Blvd. at midnight. If you could fill 'em out and have them back on the corner in a plain unmarked box by Friday, I'd appreciate it. Make sure you don't leave any fingerprints on them or put my name on the box anywhere. I don't want people to think I'm dirty dealing. Peace out!

[arr&bee]

YOU GOT IT SIR,I'LL HAVE ONE OF MY SEXY-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..SECRETARIES ON IT PRONTO,IF I MAY SUGGEST THAT ON YOUR WAY TO RUSTY'S YOU STOP OFF AND SEE THE LUGG-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..LEADING GASTRONOMICAL DR.IN DA HOOD[DR.POOF]HE'S DEVELOPED A NEW ANTI-GAS FORMULA THAT'S A BLAST..[now sir as with most meds today,there's a small side effect]YOU'LL LOSE CONTROL OF ALL BOWER FUNCTIONS FOR OH SAY SIXTY DAYS OR 3 MONTHS[WHICHEVER COMES FIRST]...[oh and sir you can't be within ten miles of a city or small mongolian village..whichever comes first]BUT THE GOOD DR.WILL FILL YOUR DEPENDS PRESCRIPTIONS..[but only every fourth Sunday]OH AND YOU MAY WANT TO GET GOOD PLUNGER AND A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF TP,WHICH THE DR.WILL GLADLY THROW IN FOR A SMALL SURCHARGE...[or a place in your cabinet sir...you may need him during your first term]WELL SIR I HOPE THIS GOOD MEDICAL INFO WAS HELPFUL..[OF COURSE SIR THIS MAY GIVE NEW MEANING TO-RUN JERRY RUN]I REMAIN IN YOUR CORNER SIR!!

[Jerry Oz]

It won't be necessary. I filled up the five blimps but still was running high pressure in my gut and was a danger to others. So I did the only thing I could think of, which is I drove up to Michigan and after the sun went down, I climbed into Lake Michigan and swam out about 20 yards before releasing whirlwind [[or maybe whirlpool, as it turned out). I probably should have aimed out towards Ohio instead of straight down because the resulting earthquake released energy to shake Detroit and flattened the old Pistons hangout in Auburn Hills.
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Now, I don't mind tearing down the Palace but if I'd known I had it in me, I would have done it when Isiah Thomas, Dennis Rodman, Bill Laimbeer and the Bad Boys were still playing. I might have to sneak out of the state before they try to charge me with vandalism. But not all is bad news because the rumbler dislodged enough dirt and debris from the bottom of the lake that Jimmy Hoffa popped out of his hiding place and now, that mystery has been solved. I'll write a book about it one day when I get a new pen and a tablet of paper. Maybe I can blame it on my opponent in the fall and put it in a campaign ad. Anyway, I feel a whole lot better.

Time to eat another bowl of stew. I bought some jalapeno peppers and prune juice that I'm using to spruce up Grady's black bean and beef liver stew. I think it's gonna be pretty tasty. Hopefully, that whole thing with the gas is over. :)

[arr&bee]

SIR,GRADY IS USING YOUR VISIT TO START A NEW LINE OF CLOTHING..[BLACK BEANS MATTER] TEE SHIRTS ARE TURNING UP ALL OVER DA HOOD...[sir since this was inspired by you then some of the proceeds should go towards your campaign because Grady is gonna make a mint]WATCH HIM SIR OR HE'LL GET RICH OFF YOUR GOOD NAME..NEVER EVER TURN YOUR BACK ON GREASY GRADY!!

[Jerry Oz]

That sounds good as long as I'm not going to get sued when somebody eats at Grady's, thinking I'm endorsing it. Project Greenpeace just sued me for the cost of getting those Blue Whales back in the water [[they really didn't want to go back in the water and I can't say that I blame them) and the EPA has declared my swimming trunks a hazardous waste site. This is all bad publicity for my campaign. My mentor [[I.M. Ashyster) taught me that there's no such thing as bad publicity except for bad publicity and it'll be bad if I have to explain why I killed every fish, seal, whale, sea bird, starfish, clam, oyster, sea turtle and life guard within a 15 square mile area. And I don't want to blame Grady because if I do, people will flock to his restaurant and it'll take weeks for me to get another bowl of black beans and beef liver stew. By the way, the prune juice and jalapenos really kicked it up a notch flavor wise but I'm probably going to take a trip up to Lake Erie tonight and go for another swim. I called Bromo-Seltzer to ask if they wanted to take on my case and they threatened me with legal action if I didn't lose their number. It's all good. I'll fix all of this next year after I'm president.

[arr&bee]

SIR,YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYONE SUING YOU AFTER EATING AT GRADY'S...[they'll just be glad to get out of intensive care]BUT GRADY IS USING YOUR NAME TO GET A DISCOUNT ON THOSE BLACK BEANS..[THEY'RE GROWN ON A BLACK SOIL AND VOLCANIC ASH FARM DEEP IN THE JUNGLES OF BORA BORA AT THE EDGE OF THE SMALLEST ISLAND]HE WAS BANNED FROM THE ISLAND BACK IN[1968]FOR EXPORTING BLUE ASHES WITHOUT PAYING THE ASH FARMERS WHO WENT BROKE...[Grady uses blue ash in his infamous blue bread ] WHICH THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT MADE HIM STOP SERVING BECAUSE FOLKS WERE HAVING HULLUCINATIONS AND CRAVING THE COLOR BLUE,ANYHOW HE'S TELLING THE GOVERNMENT OF BORA BORA THAT THE NEW PRESIDENT WILL COVER ALL COST OF HIS NEW PROJECT..UM SIR THAT WOULD BE YOU...[Grady tried to contact the present administration but they were deep in the bunker and wouldn't take his calls]THIS COULD CAUSE AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT SIR,YOU MAY WANT TO SPEAK TO GRADY ABOUT IT,OR BETTER YET HAVE ARTIE SPEAK TO HIM,JUST A HEADS UP SIR!

[Jerry Oz]

Artie's not going to help me. His wife just told him that the rabbit died and he's pee o'ed at somebody for it. He asked her who was responsible and she told him that I was, so he's looking for me with renewed anger. Fortunately, I was gasing up at Rusty's before I was gonna gas out in Lake Erie and the Murderous Lech hasn't hung out at Rusty's since he drove off without leaving a tip in 1984 and Rusty promised to never again give him S&H trading stamps again. Of course this ticked Artie off because he only needed another 30 stamps before he could cash out and get that assault rifle/chain saw combination that he'd circled in the S&H catalog. He'd collected for 23 years and when Rusty cut him off, it's what led to his life of disorganized crime... A dark day for the hood. Anyway, I'm gonna talk to the leader of Bora Bora and tell him that I have nothing to do with Grady or his dirty dealings. I'll tell him that as far as I'm concerned, he can kick Grady's ash out of Bora Bora forever. I have other things to deal with right now, seeing that Artie knows why the rabbit died. I can't help it if women love me, I think they love what I represent, which is a guy who is smart, handsome, independently wealthy, funny, sweet, considerate, quick thinking and very humble. I gotta figure this out quick because I have campaign events coming up that I don't want Artie to interrupt but he's so ticked off about that rabbit dying that I don't think he's going to leave it be. I knew when his wife climbed in the trunk of the Lincoln with that darned rabbit, it was a bad idea. I heard the bones breaking when I rolled over on it but I honestly didn't think I killed it. If I have to cough up $18 to buy Artie another rabbit, it'll mean I have to work overtime to make up for the loot. And here I was thinking about using a rabbit as a mascot! Wife comes at you fast.

[arr&bee]

Sir,i may be able to help you out of your little situation with artie...my nephew[liljai]found some bunnies down at the condemed construction site and limepit where he plays and he can get one that looks just like the one that passed so artie will not know the difference,you can just say that the bunny was lost and now is found,which will make artie happy and in your dept which in turn will make you untouchable in da hood..run jerry run!

[Jerry Oz]

I wish you would have told me that last week, Bruh! Mrs. The Murderous Lech decided to make lemonade out of lemons in that situation and the way she told Artie that the rabbit had died was by deep frying it and serving it with chips for his dinner. Artie almost caught me one day but he was so full of rabbit 'n chips, he lost a step and I got away by jumping off a waterfall. But gimme your nephew's phone number because I might be able to sell those bunnies to Grady who can substitute the meat for beef liver in his stew [[bunny meat sells for $1.16/pound less than beef liver) and maybe I'll make enough loot to pay Artie the $18.65 he's demanding [[the .65 is interest, Artie is all about the loot and every day I'm having to pay him another 6.5 cents; at this point, I may get in over my head and might seek Secret Service protection). But good looking out. I'm making progress because when I called the polling company yesterday to see why my name wasn't listed in the national results, instead of asking me who I was, they told me they had a complaint department downstairs in their *ss and if I wanted to see somebody about my concern, I could go down and wait for service. So it looks like they're recognizing me outside the hood! Baby steps!!

[arr&bee]

UMM SIR,I'D FORGET ABOUT GRADY IN THIS DEAL...[he already has a farm down at the limepit]BUT I'LL SPEAK TO[LILJAI]ABOUT THOSE BUNNIES..UNFORTUNATELY HE DOESN'T HAVE A PHONE ANYMORE AS HIS PARENTS GAVE HIM ONE BUT HE KEPT CALLING SOME OUT OF TOWN NUMBER -[BEECHWOOD-4-5789] AND SOME CHICK WOULD ANSWER SAYING-[WE CAN HAVE A DATE ANY OL TIME]WELL HIS DAD PUT A STOP TO THAT...[he went to Detroit and dated the chick]AND WHEN HIS WIFE FOUND OUT SHE KICKED HIM OUT..BUT BACK TO THIS STORY-WE'LL GET THOSE BUNNIES FOR YOU SIR-RUN JERRY RUN!!

[Jerry Oz]

Good looking out, Homeboy. I just found a good recipe for gumbo made with rabbit kidneys and the snails people keep in their home aquariums. A few bunnies will give me an unlimited and never-ending supply of the first and I can slip by my cousin Junie's to get the snails [[he stopped cleaning his aquarium in 1992 and it's pretty much a snail pit now) and that should give me the protein I need to start up a business that might change the game for recipes in the hood. I figure I can sell it out of the alley behind the Shell station on Gary Coleman Road, which will give people quick access to a bathroom in case something... goes wrong. Anyway, I can get a couple of orphans to scrounge up the other supplies from various private gardens in the hood [[under cover of anonymity, of course; can't get caught up in anything that could be 'sketchy'). Other than that, I'm gonna need a couple tons of salt, which makes everything taste great so I'm probably going to get that from the beach [[I saw where salt and sand are pretty closely related). But if this takes off, I'll probably have plenty of loot to funnel through one of Artie's money cleaning operations and maybe even enough to pay him off. Look at how everything's coming together! It's a sign!!!!

[arr&bee]

YOU'RE A GENIUS SIR...[and smart too]DA HOOD AND DA COUNTRY IS BLESSED THAT YOU ARE ON-OPP-ERR-AHEM-HEHE...IN OUR CORNER.

[arr&bee]

SIR,AS WORD OF YOUR IMPENDING VICTORY RAGES THROUGH DA HOOD LIKE WILDFIRE FOLKS HERE WANT TO BE A PART OF HISTORY...[and hoping to break off a piece of change too]MOTHER PITTS OF[PITTS PRUNEJUICE AN KALE CAFE]ON THE OTHER SIDE OF DA HOOD WANTS YOU TO ENDORSE HER INFAMOUS[MUSKY MUSTARD GREENS AN SOURMILK BISCUITS]...[the old girl is loaded an has alot of friends on this side of town]SOME OF WHOM CAN ACTUALLY STILL REMEMBER HOW TO VOTE,ALSO BROTHER BOONE OF DA FARMS CHURCH OF DA WHOLLY HEAL WANTS TO BLESS YOU DOWN AT HIS HOLY WHOLE IN DA WALL CHAPEL DOWN AT THE OPPOSITE END OF DA HOOD...[just look for the big cross with the spinning dollar sign on top]THE GOOD BROTHER IS KNOWN FOR HIS SPECIAL OILS AND CENTED CANDLES...[so called because it 's gonna cost a few cents to get em]THESE GOOD FOLKS WANT TO MAKE THEMSELVES AVAILABLE TO YOU IF YOU SHOULD GET TO THIS PART OF DA HOOD...[of course sir they wouldn't mind a cabinet position either,if you should have one or two laying around]MAYBE AN AMBASSADORSHIP TO SOME SMALL COUNTRY OR ISLAND..WELL SIR THEY JUST WANTED ME TO PASS THE WORD...[hoping that you will pass some cash]WORD ON DA STREET SAYS THAT BROTHER BOONES HAS QUITE A FOLLOWING...[they follow him all the way out to his special wholey drinkery in back of his chapel where drink is served every Friday-Saturday]AND SOME SUNDAYS,AND THEY WILL VOTE WHICHEVER WAY HE TELLS EM...[if you get my drift sir]THESE GOOD FOLK COULD HELP YOU GAIN THE VOTES NEEDED TO CEMENT YOUR VICTORY..RUN JERR RUN!!

[Jerry Oz]

Good news! Now that my PO took my ankle monitor off, I'll be able to hang out down in the hood again. They booted me up on 80 warrants and 150 unpaid tickets [[but one of the warrants was a mistake) and even though I told them it was a misunderstanding, they hauled me in anyways. Something about "an abundance of caution" and "high probability to offend again if released"... Anyhoo, I had my old high school buddy Percy Punkins create a tape of the prosecutor talking about how nasty the judge's award winning turkey and sauerkraut turnovers are and threatened to let her listen to it if he didn't suggest that they take the monitor off and he fell for it. As long as I stay out of jail, the good judge won't listen to the tape so it's a win/win all the way around. Let everybody know that I have 15 minutes to spare next Thursday between 9:39 and 9:54 and that I'll be over to see them and collect their donations [[remember, food stamps and EBT donations HAVE to be three times the amount so I can sell them at fair market value). It'll be good to see all of my peeps again but make sure they wear their masks and social distance because I can use some Corona beer but they can keep that Coronavirus in the pews. And no hand shaking unless they step out of a tub full of sanitizer first. It's gonna be so good to see somebody from the hood reach the highest heights and I won't forget everybody who helped make it possible [[so tell them not to try to come see me in the Whites House, because I remember them and don't need to see them again). But since I'm gonna have my inaugural ball in the hood because it's going to be a great nod to my homeboys and honeys [[and a value at only $450 per ticket for an event that will be catered by Church's Fried Chicken AND White Castles [[guests get their choice of either but not both, I'm not made of money) and it's going to be lit!!!). Anyway, keep up the good work, Brother. I need more folks like you to help me bring this thing home. Actually, I need about 80 million more people like you but I'm off to a good start.

[arr&bee]

SIR,THESE DIRTY TRICKS BY THE OTHER PARTY HAVE GOT TO STOP...[a man of your stature wearing an ankle monitor,and those judges are on the payroll of the opposition]THEY'RE RUNNING SCARED BECAUSE IT'S YOUR TIME SIR AND THEY KNOW IT,HECK IF THEY WANNA GO ON YOUR MISSPENT YOUTH HALF DA HOOD WILL STAND WITH YOU..[providing their probations are up an the child payments are up to date]SIR DA PEOPLE ARE FEED UP WITH THIS MISTREATMENT AND I'M ABOUT TO START A PETITION AS SOON AS I FIND TEN FOLKS WHO DON'T HAVE COURT DATES COMING UP...[it's rough out here]...[two hundred dudes tested positive for not only covid19,but their DNA test came back positive for some newborns in da hood maturnity wards which is overcrowded and little bundles of joy have been found on some doorsteps-it's rough outthere]THAT CONVOY OF TRUCKS THAT YOU PASSED ON YOUR WAY HERE WAS THOSE DUDES GOING TO JAIL..BUT WE WON'T TAKE THIS LAYING DOWN SIR,A RALLY IS PLANNED DOWN AT AMOS N ANDY PARK UNDER THE BANNER OF...DEADBEAT DADS MATTER,WITH A SPEECH FROM THE LEADING POLITICAL VOICE IN DA HOOD...DISHIKI DOUG OF THE[GREEN DOLLARS PARTY]WHOSE SLOGAN IS...THE GREENER THE DOLLARS THE BIGGER THE PARTY..THIS WILL BE BIG SIR AND IF YOU'RE PASSING BY STOP AND WAVE...DA HOOD IS ON DA MOVE!!

[Jerry Oz]

Dishiki Doug was spotted on camera wearing his mask backwards and now 5-0 is looking for him. They said that they're out of practice tackling and pepper spraying people and although wearing a mask wrong isn't really something that can get you arrested, it's definitely something that can get your butt beat. I saw six cruisers, two motorcycles and a meter maid heading in his direction to get in on the action. Hope he's going to be okay. Anyway, those brothers in the convoy should be okay because I turned the street signs around so that no matter which way they go, the convoy will go the wrong way and wind up driving into the boonies [[thanks Bugs Bunny for the idea). And let those brothers know that I'll create a program that'll pay for their DNA tests if they send in an application and a small $599 fee to my campaign fund. And I'll wipe their child support off the books if they send me half of what they save. I'm all for making sure my homeboys have a fair chance to succeed. That's why I need them to vote early and to vote often. It's not just about me being rich. I mean, it's not just about me being president. It's about uplifting my people and getting these baby mamas off my butt. Hard to concentrate when I'm in court every other day. [[I'm gonna have the FDA put a male version of the Pill on fast track, this is ridiculous... Where'd all of these greedy irresponsible women come from anyway???!). But I'm a proud papa. My last family picture was actually a billboard because it was the only way to get everybody in the same shot. But I hear the Whites House has plenty of bedrooms so maybe I can save on some of that child support when I take residence. Only if I win. So let me know when I can get another four boxes of absentee ballots filled out. I just got them printed up. Thanks again, Bruh!

Vote For Jerry If You Don't Want To Pay Taxes, Need Free Healthcare And He'll Give You A Monthly $500 Voucher For Every Hooch House In Da Hood.
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[arr&bee]

SIR,I'LL GET THOSE BALLOTS FILLED OUT PRONTO..THE GOOD SENIORS DOWN AT THE[BOTTOM OF DA BARROLL SENIOR CITIZENS JOINT AND WINETASTING EMPORIUM]...[they'll sign anything that gets em outta their rooms]AND THE FACT THAT MOST OF EM DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHO THEY ARE OR WHERE THEY ARE HELPS...[I just slip the attendant a renewed foodstamp card and he'll have em lined up]DISHIKI DOUG IS GONNA WEAR A TIE WITH HIS DISHIKI...[HE HASN'T WORN ANYTHING ELSE SINCE 1972]SO THE COPS WON'T KNOW IT'S HIM...[he'll speak in sign due to the lockjaw he got from eating at Grady's two weeks ago]BUT SINCE DOUG ONLY FINISHED SECOND GRADE,DUUFUSS WILL HELP HIM OUT,THE PEOPLE ARE EXCITED...[this rally is on the same day as the stimulus surplusses are coming]SO IT'LL BE BIG CROWDS,FOLKS ARE LINED UP AT THE GOVERNMENT HANDOUT OFFICE WHICH IS NEXT TO DA LIQUOR STORE...CONTROVERSY IS BREWING OVER WHICH ANTHEM SHOULD BE USED TO OPEN THE RALLY...TALKIN LOUD AND SAYIN NOTHIN OR ARE YOU MY DADDY WHICH WILL BE SUNG BY THE TINY TYKES OF DA HOOD...HOPE YOU CAN MAKE IT SIR!!

[Jerry Oz]

Just got a box of ballots [[thanks!) and for the most part, it looks okay. But can you find out which nursing home Bessie Washburn lives in? Instead of signing some of the ballots a name from the list that was provided, she scribbled "Bessie Washburn, but who cares since her kids seem to forget that she even exists? By the way, who makes up the menu in this place anyway, somebody who thinks there's a secret recipe for Alpo?" on a dozen ballots. That might elicit a little bit of concern from the officials that something might not be right. I'm thinking we should exclude Bessie from the next few boxes. And find out if Grady's working overtime at the nursing home. Alpo is one of his key ingredients in his meatloaf and sloppy joes but I don't know if it's safe for the elderly to eat them because Grady serves meatloaf and sloppy joes with his world infamous Mac and Cheese and the last time I heard, Mac had warrants for theft and Cheese had been prevented from working with food because she "samples" a little bit of every dish she serves and people think she's pretty gross. I talked to Grady about this once and he asked if I enjoyed his chicken heart and spinach lasagna [[which he knows I do since I order it three, four times a week) and when I told him I do, he told me to mind my own business. But if anything is missing from the nursing home, I'd suspect it was because of Mac and if anything's missing from the old folks' plates, check the corners of Cheese's mouth [[she needs to stop it). Besides, Grady has been warned by the health department to stop serving senior citizens since four of them were found to be embalmed before they got to the mortuary last year and it turned out they all had receipts from his joint [[that's why Grady stopped giving receipts). Anyways, good looking out again. When I'm president, we'll need to figure out whether you want a set sum of the loot that I collect for my inaugural bash or a percentage of the total gate. But I'm going to hook you up.

[arr&bee]

WELL,THANK YOU SIR FOR THE GENEROUS OFFER...[I 'll settle for the loot]NOW I'M GONNA HAVE MY PEOPLES LOOK INTO THE MATTER OF MISS BESSIE...[I think she knew my great,great,great granddad back in the day]AS FOR MAC & CHEESE,THEY WERE RUN OUT OF DA HOOD WAY BACK FOR SERVING THINGS THAT,LET'S JUST SAY WEREN'T QUITE RIGHT,AND THE THING THAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW IS THAT THOSE TWO WERE GRADY'S MENTORS...[everything he knows about cooking he learned from them]WHICH EXPLAINS SOME THINGS,LEGEND HAS IT THAT THOSE TWO WERE GIVEN A CHOICE-LEAVE OR GET TARRED AND FEATHERED BUT GRADY HAS SEVERAL PROPERTIES IN DA HOOD SO IT SEEMS THAT HE'S BEEN HIDING THEM...MAC & CHEESETAUGHT GRADY ALL THE TRICKS SUCH AS SCRAPING PAINTCHIPS OFF OF WALLS AND SERVE THEM AS SPICES OR THE SECRET OF HIS INFAMOUS-CHILLY-CHILL CHILL...[you don't wanna know]THOSE TWO ARE A MENACE TO DA HOOD'S HEALTH...[they're much worst that Grady and it don't get no worst than him]NOW AS FOR MISS BESSIE IT SEEMS THAT SHE WAS KINDA FRISKY SHALL WE SAY,AND GREAT,GREAT,GREAT GRANDDAD TOOK NOTICE WHICH WOULD'VE BEEN COOL EXCEPT THAT HE WAS MARRIED WITH TWENTY FIVE KIDS,AND HIS DEAR WIFE-GREAT,GREAT,GREAT GRANDMA WAS DA HOOD RECORDS KEEPER...[78's-33's because she had the only victrola in da hood]OH AND SHE KEPT BIRTH RECORDS AS HER DAY JOB,SO WHEN SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE FLIRTATION MISS BESSIE'S RECORDS DISAPPEARED WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HER OFFSPRING HAVE NO MEMORY OF HER,LEGEND HAS IT THAT MISS BESSIE RAN THE LOCAL EATERY AND THE RELATIVES OF[MAC&CHEESE]SUPPLED HER INGREDIENTS WHICH EXPLAINS HOW GRADY GOT INVOLVED YEARS LATER,WELL SIR THAT'S THE STORY SO FAR BUT I GOT MY PEEPS ON IT AND THE TRUTH[or something]WILL BE FOUND..I'LL BE IN TOUCH SIR!!

[Jerry Oz]

There's a million stories in the naked hood. And most of the stories have naked people in them. I didn't know that about Ms. Bessie but it explains why she locked me in her room last week before telling me to "strip and dance like a little monkey". She got mad and threw her dentures at me after I told her that my clothes were locked [[I lost the key) and that I only do big monkey dances. She swore to sabotage my campaign and that nobody would ever want to vote for me again [[glad I told her my name George W. Bush). I jumped out of a window and landed on Mac who was running on the sidewalk outside after he stole the safe out of the cafeteria and unfortunately, the cops caught him. I got $21.85 from Crime Solvers but now everybody at the senior home is calling me a narc and I'm gonna have a heck of a time promising them enough kickbacks in their Social Security in order to get their confidence and votes back. To make things worse, Cheese saw that the fall knocked the wind out of me, she tried to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation and thanks to the fact that she had enough food stuck in the corner of her mouth to feed an Indian orphanage I got sick and won't likely be eating again for weeks. But thank goodness I never took that IV back after I found it in the back of that abandoned ambulance. I can just get my nutrients intravenously until I get my appetite back. I asked her if she ever brushed her teeth and she said she did before pulling out a hair brush and began using it to brush her teeth. Personally, I might not go back to that senior home for a few weeks unless they can lock up Bessie and keep those old folks quiet about me bing a narc because I need to maintain my street cred. It was a horrible all around experience but I'll survive. We're getting closer and closer to election day. Remember:

Vote For Jerry If You Don't Want To Pay Taxes, Need Free Healthcare And He'll Give You A Monthly $500 Voucher For Every Hooch House In Da Hood.
https://media2.giphy.com/media/3osxYcwi3hCVbzNYqY/giphy.gif

[arr&bee]

SIR YOU'RE A LEGEND FOR THE FOLKS HERE IN DA HOOD,AN EXSPI-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..AN INSPIRATION TO ONE AND ALL...[and they hope to get paid]NOW IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME OF THE LEADING HOLY MEN HERE WANT TO BE A PART OF HISTORY...[and break off a piece of change]SUCH AS THE BENEDICTION FOR SUCCESS WHICH IS A PART OF THE CEREMONY ON YOUR BIG DAY,NOW WE HAVE SEVERAL CROOKS-OPP-ERR-AHEM-HEHE...CHRISTIAN PASTORIALS HERE AND A COUPLE OF JUDGES TOO,SUCH AS THE DISHON-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..DISTINGUISHED [JUDGE GAVEL] FROM THE SUPREME COURT PROJECTS ON THE WEST SIDE WHO USED TO JUDGE THE FINANCIAL BUSINESS IN DA HOOD...[until it was discovered that the good judge was putting finances into his business first]BUT HE'S BEEN A MODEL CITIZEN SINCE HIS RELEASE,THERE'S ALSO THE [RIGHTOUS REVEREND RIGHTSIDE]WHOSE [CHURCH OF THE PASSING PLATE]HAS QUITE A FOLLOWING...[including the IRS agents who are still trying to figure where all those donations went back in 1949]BUT NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN PROVEN,AND THERE'S THE[BISHOP BILTEMIFYOUCAN]OF THE[BETTER TO GIVE BAPTIST CHURCH]THESE PARISITES-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..THESE PILLARS OF DA HOOD HOPE THAT YOU WON'T FORGET THEM ON YOUR BIG DAY...[sir they have large followings and most of them actually vote if you get my drift]SO SIR JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT...IT'S NOT A BAD THING TO HAVE THESE HOLY MEN ON YOUR SIDE..RUN JERRY RUN!!

[Jerry Oz]

I'm glad you told me that. I'm going to send my spiritual advisor, the Rev. Doctor Deacon Brother Minister Prophet Oley "Moley" Holey to talk to them right away. Rev. "Moley" Holey has a way with words that just makes folks want to give and I'm pretty sure he can talk both of those ministers into coughing up enough loot to allow them to speak at my inauguration service. He'll tell 'em that their Sunday morning public access viewership will triple once people know who they are [[but nothing comes for free). I'm looking forward to hearing the good word [[which in this case is "Yes, we'll write the checks right away, Rev. 'Moley' Holey") and we'll get them scheduled. So glad to do my part to make sure the sheep in my community get fleeced regularly because I saw on a PBS show that sheep need to be fleeced, which is one of Rev. "Moley" Holey's favorite catch phrases and if they're being fleeced, I want my cut. It's almost time for me to shave [[it's been three weeks!) and shaving cream ain't free. Anyways, tell the good men that I'll send my emissary over on Sunday morning and if they don't want to write checks, cash is accepted [[and easier to clean). Good looking out. I'm trying to get into the debates but they blocked my number and I need to get a burner phone to try to call again. This thing is looking better all the time.

[arr&bee]

WOW SIR YOU KNOW THE REVEREND DOCTOR DEACON? SIR YOU KNOW ALL THE LEEC-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..ALL THE LEGENDS,LEGEND HAS IT THAT HE CAME THROUGH DA HOOD YEARS AGO ON HIS INFAMOUS[HOLY ROLL EM TOUR]AND WHEN HE LEFT TWENTY MINUTES LATER THERE WASN'T A DOLLAR LEFT....[he even got Grady to fork over some cash]THE HOLY MEN HERE IDOLIZE THE REV.DOCTOR DEACON,THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD!

[Jerry Oz]

Yeah, I've known him since I was a kid. My great-uncle is the one who asked him as a child why he had all of those moles and that's where he got his nickname. He took offense because before that, he thought they were gerbils and he didn't appreciate finding out they were moles. Until that, he was just ol' Oley Holey. But once he got that nickname, he swore vengeance on the world and the brakes came off. He blackmailed the president of a seminary into giving him a diploma and appointing him as a preacher and since then, he's been one of the top infomercial ministers on the east coast. And he's really good too. He once convinced a homeless man who said he had nothing to sell his underwear so he could give the good reverend enough money for a can of pop. "Everybody has something," the minister once told me. "And everybody's gonna give it to me." I'll never forget the time he had a marathon service and he talked so long and so slowly, everybody in the congregation fell asleep and he had his deacons pick their pockets. He's smart, too because he took half of the loot and bought tacos from a food truck and when the people woke up, he fed them and by the time they realized they were ripped off, nobody thought that the same man who gave them all of that good food was the one who took their wallets. There was a huge fight in the parking lot after that service of people who thought other church members took their stuff and Rev. "Moley" Holey took video footage of it and sold it to TMZ. And then there was that time when he told me he learned a new magic trick. He asked if I had a $10 bill and when I produced one, he disappeared. Still don't know how he did that. He was going to name Mac 'n Cheese as his underbosses but they decided they'd rather go into politics than religion and now they're running for mayor. Anyway, I was gonna call him before I remembered lending him my cell phone so I need to find a quarter and a phone booth so I can touch bases. I'll let you know when he's coming through.

[arr&bee]

Wow,sir this guy is a legend..i'm gonna put in a call to the legendary docu-series folks...twenty minutes-they get all the celebs that past through..this is gonna be good!!

[Jerry Oz]

I dunno if that's a good idea. If 20 Minutes does a story on him, he's going to take them to court and get 10 of those minutes. This brother doesn't play and as he once said in a sermon, "Jesus forgives. I get even". He sues everybody who puts his face on TV if it's not in an infomercial. As a matter of fact, a local station did a story on him after it was discovered that the printer in the church basement was being used to print money and he sued them for leaving "Brother" out of his title when they mentioned him and now, the call letters of the station are WMOL and his infomercial airs for free nine times a week. To show that there were no hard feelings, he offered to baptize the station's lawyer and when he did, he held him under the water until he swore to [[in the reverend's words) "never do that sh** again". He does not mess around.

[arr&bee]

Wow,sir i'm memsmerized,would he give an exclusive interview to the one and only..scoop scoopy scoop?

[Jerry Oz]

Absolutely. Anything for a "donation" to his "foundation". But it's going to cost Scoop a little extra after he did that piece for Outside Edition where he infiltrated Rev. Holey's church by dressing as a pew and got all of that dirt about Rev. Holey buying Oxycodone with his tithing money to supply his pill mills and also to fund his baby seal clubbing business. Apparently, some people can view a pastor unfavorably if he sells drugs indiscriminately and offers excursions to Canada where participants can take bats to bash the heads of cute little baby animals for fun. But you know the Rev... He sued Scoop and Outside Edition for defamation and beat them without even using a lawyer. He told the jury that the people he sold the drugs to were in serious pain and ignored by the system. Since they had no insurance, he let them trade their cars [[without titles sometimes), EBT balances and copper pipes [[for .16 a pound) for the relief they needed. It was all charitable. And the folks who clubbed the baby seals all had aggression issues and he let them beat those poor pups like pinatas because it was the best way to keep them from taking their anger out on the public. He did it all for society, he said, and when he started with his Who Can Judge Me But God sermon from the witness stand, Scoop was scalped in court. Not a dry eye in the jury [[Rev. "Moley" Holey actually got them all to empty their wallets out before finding in his favor). The man is a giant among infomercial preachers. If Scoop wants to step back into those waters, I'm sure it can be arranged.

[arr&bee]

ERR-AHEM-HEHE...THAT SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING WAS SETTLED[Scoop was shall we say-let go]OVER THAT LITTLE STUNT,AND IS NOW WORKING FOR A RIVAL NEWS SHOW WHICH IS A SUB-CELEB SERIES...[FIVE MINUTES]BUT OL SNOOP HAS BEEN AROUND FOR AWHILE AND HE'LL FIND A WAY TO GET THOSE ANSWERS...[SNOOP IS STILL BEING SUED FOR THAT LITTLE PIECE HE DID ON GRADY YEARS AGO..as a result Grady had to remove certain items from his menu..although he later put em back on covered in gravy]SCOOPY ONLY HAS FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE BY THE TIME THE REV.DOCTOR FIGURES OUT WHAT THE QUESTION WAS THE NETWORK WILL HAVE ERASED IT...THIS WILL BE GOOD!!

[Jerry Oz]

I'm still excited about the election but I'm serious when I say, it's hard to get good help in the hood. I told my friend Betty Wooden-Byitt that I needed somebody to help me prepare for the debate and she said he had somebody who would do it for cheap. Of course, "cheap" is my second favorite word and I told her to send the guy over. I spent three days in front of the mirror trying to project an imposing image for the upcoming argument when there was a knock at the door. Opened it up and some guy was there with dirty buckets and a bunch of fishing gear. I asked him what he wanted and he said that Betty sent him over with de bait because I needed help. Apparently, the buckets had earthworms and crickets in them. Of course that's not what I wanted but I went fishing anyway and caught three trout, a bluegill, four nightcrawlers and a case of head cold. Now I have to stay at home because everywhere I go, people think I've got the COVID-19. Not a great time to be running but there'll never be a better chance to score a high paying gig and free housing, so I'm going for it. When I called the Whites House and asked if Trump would be leaving early after the election or if I had to wait until my inauguration to change the sheets, they sent Secret Service men out to assault me. Glad I used my cousin's cell phone because they thought he was the one who made the call. Of course, he didn't appreciate the situation so he called the Secret Service to register a complaint and they sent the police to handle the situation and the cops physically assaulted him. That was just too much for him so he called renowned civil rights litigation lawyer Lemmy Soothem-Foreya and Lemmy got right on it. He tried to depose the police chief and he sent four crossing guards over to see my cousin and they physically assaulted him until he agreed to drop all charges. I tell ya, things are tough out here and I can't wait to fix it all.

[arr&bee]

I'M SORRY ABOUT BETTY,SHE'S NOT EXACTLY THE MOST TRUSTED PERSON IN DA HOOD...[she's Grady's fourth wife's second cousin's stepson's grandneice]SO THAT COULD EXPLAIN SOME THINGS,BUT AS WORD OF YOUR ADMINISTRATION SPREADS BIG CHANGES ARE IN THE WORKS ACCORDING TO WORD ON DA STREET...[ol Word has been outthere a long time after he was kicked out of the homeless shelter for non payment of rent,ol Word just sort of wanders from one end of da hood to the other and he hears everything]SO HIS WORD IS BOND,NOW THERE ARE RUMBLINGS ABOUT HAVING ONE MAYOR AND A RUNOFF ELECTION IS PLANNED...[one of em is gonna be run off and the one that's left is da man]AND THERE'S TALK OF A BOARD OF REVIEW...[as soon as they figure out where to hang the board]SIR THINGS ARE GONNA BE MUCH IMPROVED IF THE LEADING CITIZENS HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY..NEW JUDGE TO SIT IN THE COURT THE HONORABLE JUSTICE[THIR T. DAZE]THIS GUY DON'T PLAY SO LAW AND ORDER WILL BE PRESERVED..[in big Mason Jars]ALSO THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT IS SENDING SOMEONE TO LOOK INTO GRADY'S OPERATION-AGENT[KNOW U.DON'T]..WORD ON THE STREET SAYS THAT GRADY IS LINING UP HIS LEGAL TEAM[I.WILL GETUOFF-TUU-DAYY]BUT HE'S SO SCARED THAT NOBODY HAS GOTTEN SICK IN A WEEK,YEP BIG CHANGES ARE COMING SIR THANKS TO YOU.

[arr&bee]

SIR,WITH ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT THE POST OFFICE SCARING FOLKS I HAVE THE ANSWER,I WAS DOWN AT DA HOOD POST OFFICE AND THE HEAD DUDE DOWN THERE SAID THAT THE ANSWER WILL BE TO INSTITUTE THE SYSTEM USED DOWN HERE...THE DANCIN PIGFEET,THEY WORK CHEAP-CAN'T BE CAUGHT-WORK ALL HOURS RAIN OR SHINE-ONCE THEY GET THE WORD IT'S ON-ANY AND ALL MAIL WILL BE DELIVERED WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT AND SINCE THEY RUN NO NEED FOR TRUCKS JUST GIVE EM A BAG OF MAIL AND THAT'S IT[imagine how much gas will be saved,which is good for the economy which will make you look even better with the people]THAT MONEY CAN BE STASHED-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..USED FOR ECONOMIC CAUSES AS YOU SEE FIT SIR,JUST A HOPEFUL HINT TO HELP GET THIS COUNTRY BACK ON IT'S FEET..IT'S DANCIN PIGSFEET...[a little postal humor sir]RUN JERRY RUN!!

[Jerry Oz]

That's a great idea but I've already come up with a great solution to the problem with the post office. I'm going to have the USPS begin a program where we bring in a local school for a field trip everyday. Under the guise of education, we'll let the snot nosed little brats get their hands dirty by showing them how to load trucks, sort mail, empty mailboxes and lose packages. If we keep them for the full 8-hour shift, that's like having 20-25 extra workers every single day and that ought to make up for lost productivity AND help the budget since the help will be free. With a little luck, this will instill the crumb crushers with work ethic and we'll have developed the future postal workers of America and resolved multiple problems at the same time. Just keep them off the forklifts. When the world sees the ultra-brilliance of my mega genius super mind, they'll wonder why I haven't been president for years. I'm pretty sure Congress will vote to give me a pay raise commensurate with my contributions [[I'm thinking 2% of the Federal budget should be about right) and I can get these rotten babies moms off of my butt. Found one hiding in the cupboard yesterday taking pictures of me that she was trying to sell to TMZ. Thankfully, she had her phone pointed backwards and all she really took photos of were her nose hairs. It ain't easy being me.

[arr&bee]

More brilliance sir..[and smart too]you da man!

[Jerry Oz]

Well, I'm upset that no national networks decided to broadcast my convention because they said nobody ever heard of the House Party even though I can't walk anywhere in the Hood where nobody knows about the House Party. It convenes every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night and sometimes doesn't let out until Wednesday [[we have a lot of... ahem... important business to take care of) and if you have the cover charge, you can join it on a nightly basis. I think my vice-president [[Sheeza "Huge Booty" Cutie) affected their decision because she dresses, shall we say 'provocatively'. Or maybe 'dresses' is the wrong word since she can make a wardrobe out of a box of Kleenex, which may not have been safe for primetime. But I think it's because she's Black and I might have grievance with the mainstream media. Need to call up Dewey, Suem & Howe to see if I have a case. I asked Huge Booty to wear a pastie just to be careful and she told me all she had was Elmer's, which as we all know is glue so she was just gonna wing it. The out and out discrimination against the Hood and its fine people is exactly the reason why I'm running for office [[along with the money; can't forget about the loot) and if I can, I'm going to litigate myself into the Whites House. But I did record the convention [[which got a NC-17 rating from the MPAA) and it'll be on sale at Durdee Dood's Naughty House of Smut on Friday. It's only going to cost $39.95 of which $38.99 will go directly into my pock... campaign. So let your friends know to go to the filth palace and get copies [[they make excellent Christmas gifts). They can park around back so nobody sees them. I'm more encouraged than ever to win this thing.

[arr&bee]

SIR,IT'A NATIONAL DISGRACE THE WAY YOU ARE PORTRAYED IN THE NATIONAL MEDIA...[all these black an white portraits,when your opponents are in color]AND YES IT IS RACIALLY MOTIVATED TOO,SO I'M CALLING OUT THE BIG GUNS SIR,I SPOKE WITH THE FOLKS DOWN AT THE LOCAL CIVIL RIGHTS OFFICE..[ALDERMAN THE HONORABLE-WILLIE EARL BILLY BOB FRED DOUGLAS THE THIRD]HE JUST GOT BACK TO DA HOOD FROM SERVING TIME-OPPS-ERR-AHEM-HEHE..SERVING UPSTATE,AND HE'S EAGER TO TAKE YOUR CASE TO THE HIGHEST COURT IN DA HOOD...[HILLSIDE COURTHOUSE-STEAMBATH&CATFISH INSTITUTE]UP ON THE HILL,SIR THE ALDERMAN WILL ARGUE THAT ALL KINDS OF LAWS HAVE BEEN BROKEN AND ALL HE WANTS IS A SEAT ON THE SUPREMES COURT[he sings background]AFTER YOU WIN..SIR HE GOT DUUFUSS INTO THE KINDERGARDEN AFTER THE STATE SAID THAT HE WAS TOTALLY HOPELESS WHEN HE UNCOVERED THAT THE WORD[STUPID]WAS SPELLED WRONG,THIS GUY DOESN'T MISS A THING AND HE'LL HELP YOU TOO,DA HOOD IS BEHIND YOU ALL THE WAY-RUN JERRY RUN!!

[Jerry Oz]

Give him my number. These guys are crazy out here. They actually broadcast a few of my old mug shots last night and one of those charges resulted in a hung jury. But if you were to watch the alleged "news", you'd think that I was convicted on all seven cases. And I thought America was the land of redemption. I was in my young 30s when some of those cases were levied and here I am 20 years later having to address mistakes of my youth. It's all good though. My nephew Brutus Maximus "Missy" Dabully is going to dub a voice over Michelle Obama's speech from last week where it's gonna look like she's shaming people for not giving me a pass [[Missy sounds a lot like Michelle Obama when he's been drinking and he's been drinking since 9:30 AM May 12, 2006) so unless the Obamas get wind of it, it'll look like she's endorsing me. Hope he does a good job of it because he has an appointment to try out for "RuPaul's Drag Race" after lunch. I don't have time for all of this because I have fires to put out. Huge Booty caught a warrant after a guy slipped her a food stamp at the strip club and she drove over his car with a hijacked back hoe. I might need to reconsider my running mate [[her check hasn't cleared yet anyway). But I still have momentum and I think in two months I'll be the most powerful man in the Hood. I mean world.

[arr&bee]

SIR,THE ALDERMAN WILL FILE ALL KINDS OF WRITS,HE'BECAME FAMOUS FOR HIS WRIT OF-UNUMAGNOGIPONRIPOFFMAGNUMOFPLURALS...NOW THAT'S PIG LATIN MIXED WITH EBONICS AND SINCE THOSE TWO DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST BY THE TIME THE COURT FIGURES THAT OUT...YOU'LL BE IN OFFICE,THE ALDERMAN'S GOT YOUR BACK SIR,IT'S IN THE BAG...[oh and sir,he ask that when he poses for his portrait on the court that you take the pic from his good side with the lucky dimple]RUN JERRY RUN!!

[arr&bee]

SIR,THIS IS AND OUTSULT AND AN INRAGE...THE DEBATES TONIGHT AND YOUR NAME IS NOWHERE IN SIGHT...[they're runnin scared sir]YOUR AGENDA IS SECOND TO NONE AND AMERICA IS GONNA HEAR YOU...[I got my main man-Cable Box Billy on the case]AND AT THE RIGHT TIME ALL CHANNELS WILL CUT TO YOUR HEADQAURTERS WHERE I'M SURE YOU WILL BE READY TO ANSWER ANY AND ALL QUESTIONS..[of course sir you may want to take the fifth or drink a fifth when asked about certain contributions sir]BUT THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW YOU'RE STILL IN THE RACE AND HAVE THE ONLY PLAN TO SAVE THE REPUBLIC...RUN JERRY RUN!!

[arr&bee]

SIR,I KNOW THAT YOU'RE OUTTHERE GETTING THOSE VOTES,I SPOKE WITH MY POLITICAL FOLKS DOWN AT[BROTHER BILKO'S SANITARIUM AN CRAB JOINT AN VOTING AN PHONE BOOTH]AND THE GOOD POLITICALS DOWN THERE SAY THAT YOU SHOULD GO DOWN TO THE LOCAL WALMART AND PASS OUT RED-WHITE-BLUE BABY WIPES[lots of tots outthere and those mamas are gonna love those freebies]THEY SAY THAT THE VOTES WILL COME POURING IN,WE'RE BEHIND YOU SIR-RUN JERRY RUN!!

[arr&bee]

Sir,you've got em so scared that they cancelled the next debate,but i spoke with the politicos in da hood...[politicos baked bananas an smoked pigsfeet emporium]round da way,and he says that you should still show up,and debate with cutouts of your opponents and when the people see that only you had the guts to show up the votes will flow in your favor..run jerry run!!

[Jerry Oz]

Well, who knows what's going on with these stupid debates. I was all set to crash the first one and demand a chance to speak but when I saw all of those people without masks, I decided to go to the next one and now they canceled it. And Biden's on ABC, Trump is on NBC and CBS keeps hanging up when I tell them I want to have a town hall. I tried to sue them but my lawyer [[Imagette M. Foryoo, Esq.) can't get them to answer her phone calls either. I think they're afraid of my polling so well with the hood and they don't want me to reach out to the masses. But I'm gonna do mine on public access and then put it on YouTube because I need this job. If I don't win, all these baby mamas are gonna catch up to me and I'm gonna have to split my $130 a week six or seven different ways [[still waiting for one DNA test). Heck, if I do that, I'll barely have enough loot for the lotteries [[street and legal). It shouldn't be this expensive to be so lovable. Anyway, I have almost enough money to run a commercial so if I can do that, I think everything's pretty much a wrap. Thanks again for your support. I'm dropping off another five or six boxes of ballots tomorrow at midnight. They'll be behind the mailbox on Clarence Thomas Blvd. Think about it. This time next month, I'll be getting my keys for the Whites House made [[I'm changing the locks) and all of my problems will be in the past.

Cannot wait.

[arr&bee]

YOU DA MAN SIR...[oh sir I told him I would ask you so here goes.. Big Phil's Pork Pit & Baked Onion Joint asked if possible after you get in to install a drive thru window so folks could get their Pork on]BIG PHIL IS GRADY'S SEVENTH WIFE'S GRANDFATHER'S SECOND WIFE'S ADOPTED FOSTER STEPSON ON HER FIRST HUSBAND'S GREAT AUNT'S SIDE...I TOLD HIM I'D ASK,THANK YOU SIR...RUN JERRY RUN!

[Jerry Oz]

I don't know about Big Phil, Homeboy. I went to his joint in the back alley behind Javashikanita's Jheri Curls and Toe Nail Clipping on MLK Road and bought one of his famous barbecue chicken and bacon sandwiches once. I was hungry and took it home and it was only after three days of eating it [[it weighed six pounds and in addition to the chicken and bacon, it had sauerkraut, red onions, Italian meatballs, spaghetti and homefries and duck wings on it in addition to a side salad) I realized that instead of the usual three pickles, I only had two. I called to complain and get them to comp me another sandwich and he said that I should have brought it back before I ate it. Haven't stopped by there since then. I basically wasted $2.50 on that meal.

It'll take some fence mending for me and Big Phil to agree to get back together on a deal.

[arr&bee]

SIR,I BET THAT GRADY PUT HIM UP TO IT..AFTER I'M APPOINTED TO MY POST IN YOUR [F.B.I.]I'M GONNA DO A LITTLE CHECKING ON BIG PHIL...[I tried to check on Grady, but my computer went blank when his name came up]!!

[Jerry Oz]

Do that. I need to call Grady anyway because it looks like his idea for using the grease from his fryers as jet fuel won't work because it's apparently too high octane. They put it in an F-16 and instead of flying to Cincinnati, it landed on the moon.

[arr&bee]

SIR,I CHECKED WITH DA HOOD DEPARTMENT OF RECORDS[45'S-33'S-78'S]AND THERE NO RECORDING[ON ANY LABLE]OF BIG PHIL EVER HAVING BEEN BORN...[maybe he was born on a small independent lable]I'LL GET BACK TO YOU SIR!

[Jerry Oz]

That's not going to be an issue. Big Phil was the first test tube baby in the Hood and since he came out of a microwave oven, the vital statistics department didn't think he needed a birth certificate. The only problem is that the scientist who prepped him didn't read the instructions correctly and instead of setting the timer for 120 seconds, he set it for 12 minutes [[easy mistake) and that's exactly how Little Phil became Big Phil. They had to grease him to get him out of the oven. Some say the scientist added too much yeast but I think he just cooked too long. Anyways, the kid was 26 pounds when he came out and actually asked the midwife if she had a square and a lighter before she fainted. Of course, that started everything wrong because he climbed off the table and stole her cell phone and three of her credit cards, which is what he used to start his Pork Pit & Baked Onion Joint. Back then, he had the wacky idea that selling baby formula as a drink would go over but when nobody wanted it but him, he applied for and got his liquor license. Big Phil isn't really a bad guy, he's just overcooked when it comes to some of his ideas and he doesn't count how many pickles he puts on his sandwiches.

[arr&bee]

Good info sir...darned microwave babies!!

[Jerry Oz]

*Welp* I grabbed a half dozen winos and we demanded that I participate in last week's debate. America needed to hear my vision for the future and I was flat out denied. Pretty sure it's because I'm Black and not because I failed to have my name registered in any state. Now, I need everybody to write my name in or there's a chance that I won't win. This is just a travesty of justice. But it's just one more mountain to climb for the American people and all of these babies' mamas. As soon as I get out of jail, I'm gonna scrounge up some financial assistance on Facebook and put the word out that Jerry Oz has to be the first president ever elected by write-in ballots. It can happen if people just listen instead of doing what they want to do.

[nativeNY63]

Don't forget crowdfunding, GoFundMe, EBI, sir. Every other croo...er campaigner for prez doesn't.

[arr&bee]

SIR,THIS JUST IN...ACCORDING TO DA HOOD SCUTTLEBUTT[OL SCUTTLES IS ALWAYS LISTENING]SOMEBODY DOWN AT DA HOOD PRESIDENTIAL HEADQUARTERS PUT LILBITS IN CHARGE OF THE FLIERS FOR ONE HOUR AND SHE WAS SO BUSY WITH THE[35 PEICE PIGS FOOT BUCKET THAT SHE HAD FOR LUNCH]THAT SHE SPELLED YOUR LAST NAME WRONG...OZ BECAME OPPS,WELL SIR SINCE NOBODY KNEW A JERRY OPPS THEY TOSSED YOUR NAME OUT OF THE DEBATES-LILBITS IS HEARTBROKEN OVER THIS MISHAP...[SHE'S PUNISHING HERSELVE BY LOCKING HERSELF IN DA HOOD MEAT FACTORY AND EATING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT]DA HOOD LEGAL CONFIBULATION IS ON IT AS WE SPEAK,THE HONORABLE-WILLIE EARL BILLY BOB FRED DOUGLAS THE THIRD IS FILING ALL KINDS OF INJUCTIONS AND WRITS OF HABIUS WHATEVERS,SO DON'T WORRY[much]SIR,DA HOOD IS RIGHT THERE,RUN JERRY RUN!!

[arr&bee]

Sir, good news, i spoke with the alderman-the honorable willie earl billy bob fred douglas the third, and he is gonna file a writ of[nonblackcolorsonthenationalmaptisofabseeteeism]which is legalease for they did not put your numbers on the national map and because you are running as an african american the color green should be on the national voting map and it's omitted which is unconstitutional according to the alderman, so after he brings this to the attention of the supreme court they will have to start the count over from scratch and you will be declared the winner because everyone in da hood has already counted[it only took fifteen minutes to tally all the votes]and the rest of the country is still counting and they'll be so tired that you'll win in a...[handmedown]which is just as good as a landslide...so congrats on your victory sir!!!

[Jerry Oz]

I already conceded, Homeboy. I was signing the paperwork for my release when three chicks that I forgot about hit me with paternity papers and filed charges of failure to pay for their seven kids that they allege I fathered on that campaign swing through the Dirty South during my failed run in 2016. When I said that I never saw any of them before, they put the kids on the floor and threw a food stamp in the corner and they all but tore each other to pieces to get to it first. Even I had to admit there's a strong resemblance although I want to go on Judge Lauren Lake's Paternity Court to get her to pay for my DNA tests. It turns out that using finger cots wasn't an effective second option when the prophylactic dispenser in the strip club bathroom ran out. I should have known when I had to use 2-sided tape to try to keep them on. But I'm fighting these charges as soon as I get out [[one of my other alleged babies' moms is a judge and I convinced her to help me get bail so I could go back to "work" and start paying her some child support after we spend a romantic evening of avoiding our social distancing). I may be out of chances to win in 2020 but dang if I'm not going on the offensive to get out from under all of these frivolous complaints so I can focus fulltime on earning money for a run in 2024. I already have a new slogan: Vote Jerry Oz Because The Hood, Yo. I think it will ring with my core constituents and I can start campaigning next week, I have a great chance of growing my family. I mean my base of support.

[arr&bee]

WELL SIR,YOU RAN A GREAT CAMPAINE AND DA HOOD IS ALWAYS BEHIND YOU...[of course da hood is behind on everything]I'M GONNA START A GET OUT DA VOTE THINGGY NOW,YOU STILL DA MAN SIR!!!