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View Full Version : The Black Church keeps Black women single?


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soulster
08-10-2010, 02:01 PM
Interesting topic:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/08/10/black.church.women.single/index.html?hpt=C2

I don't go to black churches, so I have no opinion of this. but, I do know several Black women who are extremely devout Christians.

What do you think about this article?

abfan
08-10-2010, 02:37 PM
Someone made this valid point


black women are so often single because they generally won't date outside their race.Meanwhile, black men feel free to date and marry women of any race. This creates too few black men for black women to marry, and thus a disproportionately high rate of single women.

soulster
08-10-2010, 04:22 PM
That's a good point! My question is why don't more Black women date outside of their race?

Where I live, a military town, I do see a high number of Black women/White men. I feel like this is the exception to the rule.

I tend to think that the person you choose is simply a matter of your social circle, or the people you are most exposed to. I think if a person feels they have to go out of their way to find someone based on race, they have issues.

abfan
08-10-2010, 05:32 PM
Well I hear Chinese/ Asian Men face the same issues.Maybe we need to get together lol........

That is a good question though..I cant say it's loyalty.Im not sure.....I can say as for me Im happy in my own skin....

chidrummer
08-11-2010, 10:20 PM
Is this really a problem? Could it just be that women who center their lives around church and church activities simply are busy doing what they enjoy rather than hunting for a mate full time? It would be the same if all one did was go to work everyday and go home. Limited exposure to a greater pool of possibilities. It's all voluntary. Why does this have to be considered a problem?

soulster
08-12-2010, 12:59 AM
Why does this have to be considered a problem?

It's a problem to some people because they believe Blacks should stay with their own race.

There's nothing wrong with being with someone with a different skin color than yours, but if one limits themselves on what they want, then whines about not finding what they want, they really should expand their boundaries, and that means going beyond the church, since the Black men they want apparently aren't there. You don't see Black men going around saying that they will only go for a Christian woman who goes to church. There may be some that do, but i've never met them. But, i've met plenty of black women who won't date outside the church or out of the race. Two strikes already.

Maybe it's because many Black women feel like they have little else in this world, and therefore, cling to those scriptures even more. They say Black women are still treated the worst.

timmyfunk
08-12-2010, 09:55 AM
It could also be due to the fact that African-American men shun the church far more than our female counterparts, probably due the church's restrictive nature. I know I could fall into that category. Some of the women that I've met out here in SC are still living in the dark ages with regards to their religious beliefs. I once worked on the same shift with a woman drank the religious kool-aid like her life depended on it (which it did). I was watching some of my Soul Train DVD's and she blurts out, "I can't listen to that devil music...". Mind you, we were watching the episode with Al Green who is now an ordained pastor. I couldn't believe that anyone would say something so archaic as to make herself look like she was still living in the first half of the 20th century. If this is the type of woman to be found in the church, then I'll pass.

While one could admire a sistas devotion to the brothers, one would also question the type of brother she's attracted to, namely the thugs. This has always baffled me, but it ain't something I'm wracking my brain over. I've moved on long ago and can't be bothered by some of the materialistic and arrogant thinking of a lot of these women. Let them watch their Tyler Perry movies, let them listen to Luther and the countless other balladeers who lull them into a dream world that doesn't exist and so forth. I have to move on my own path.

ollie
08-12-2010, 11:43 AM
Interesting. People from outside the church who have a good soul with pure thoughts might be of interest for this group of woman. I know a few canidates.
If they want a man like Jesus, or a sister like Mary, they'll die before having the experience of two people loving each other.
Love is what they pray for each sunday, plus the rest of the week they pray and wish for it. They openly tell the whole world about it. But being able to give love to a choosen one seems impossible. That does not go together. Where's The Love?

Now on the other hand as Timmfunk mentioned, i know many guys who run as fast as they can, to get away from someone who explain life to them all too insistently.

timmyfunk
08-12-2010, 12:53 PM
And they're not even explaining life. They're just explaining their own opinions. They're not expressing any real wisdom. Just church doctrine.

ollie
08-12-2010, 01:13 PM
It is the probably lack of self confidence, Timmy, in the CNN VDO a girl said it. The world is full of fine man, the woman just have to go out and look, of course also out of church environment. These woman surely want to love and maybe raise a family, they come from one as well, so they must have seen daddy and mommy in a relationship. And if they could treat each person unprepossessed they'll find a good man.

soulster
08-12-2010, 08:23 PM
I see religion controlling and restrictive. That's why I do not go. Most of the people I meet there are also controlling and restrictive. As a black man, I resent society constantly trying to control what I say and do. That's probably why i'm so outspoken today. Why would I want to heed a word that tells me to turn the other cheek. The Black man gets kicked when they turn the other cheek!

timmyfunk
08-12-2010, 10:25 PM
Ollie, it's deeper than that. But if I go into how I really feel, it'll be an indictment on religion more than on the mentality of church going 'sistas'. For now, I'll pass.

soulster
08-13-2010, 12:57 AM
Ollie, it's deeper than that. But if I go into how I really feel, it'll be an indictment on religion more than on the mentality of church going 'sistas'. For now, I'll pass.

Haw man, go for it! I have no respect for any religion!

ollie
08-13-2010, 03:23 AM
Timmy i understand.

We do have respect for the woman, what they stand for, believe in and what they want to to achieve in their personal life.
Question is, does the black church keeps black woman single? My answer is, No! not all black woman are single, and Yes! many black woman can't find a man, because they are trapped in church/religion.
Check beyond church, check beyond race, plenty of good man and woman around. No need to be alone, unless you want to.

Do we have the right intention behind our words and doings, when making an indictment on religion, or on sisters and brothers ? I'm not a religious person- more spiritual, but i do want to respect other people's feelings, and thoughts.
To achieve perspicuity of what we speak of, other people or their traditional upbringing shouldn't get indicted by the words used expressing the point of view. Is religion a system to control the herd of humans might be debatable. To get things going in the right direction and really change, we need to express our intentions and doings in a way, that enables them to replace old traditions.

timmyfunk
08-13-2010, 07:06 AM
Maybe the church doesn't keep black women single, but that's certainly the end result, isn't it? The vast majority of these women will always want someone that shares their interest and since the church plays a huge role in their lives, it becomes very hard for them to find a mate since most black men shun the church. I don't know if that chasm will ever be dealt with accordingly. The mindset of these church going women will assure that they will be single for most of their lives.

rta5225
08-16-2010, 12:02 AM
I don't feel the church keeps African-American women single. First of all, you're talking about many people that probably worship in many different ways. Also, I'm curious about other populations as well, Hispanic, American Indian. What are their gender gaps? I read somewhere that there are between 1 and 2 million more African-American women than men. There is also research that says that 42% of African-American women are still single. I think they need to weed out the African-American women that want to stay single and also the ones that may be in a domestic partnership with a guy and want to keep it that way. I'm sure that would bring the percentage down some.

Also, a friend of mine told me that she saw a show similar to this a few months ago about single African-American women and those who can't seem to even find dates. There were a large number of Afrcan-American women that were interviewed. Some of them made remarks like "Why is still being discussed?" "I don't have that problem. I can get a man whenever I want. I date all the time." Or "I've never had trouble getting dates." She mentioned that what struck her was the women saying this were either women of fair complexion or light brown skinned women. The women that were brown skinned or dark women had all the concerns discussed in these posts and were complaining about dates and many were concerned about their marital prospects. My friend said it struck her about what is STILL defined as beauty after all these years.

timmyfunk
08-16-2010, 01:02 AM
I'm still of the opinion that the church plays a huge role in the difficulty black women experience finding a suitable mate. Self esteem and environmental factors may also be at work, but the church represents the prime or one of the prime factors.

rta5225
08-16-2010, 07:40 AM
I hope this isn't a stupid question timmyfunk, but can you explain why black men shun the church? Many of the ones I know don't so I was just curious.

timmyfunk
08-16-2010, 08:36 AM
You can refer to post number seven (read it carefully) and soulster's post (number 11). It's almost like you are giving up who you are as an individual when you join the church. Out here in SC, I've had to bite my tongue numerous times when I've come into contact with people who've 'drank the kool aid'. Some of their comments would boggle the mind.

abfan
08-16-2010, 09:17 AM
I agree timmyfunk.The church has become just a bit hypocritical...........But on another note Men claim they want a nice clean hold some church going woman.then turn around and marry the first Illegal alien who dosent look like them. no wonder BW are confused......

soulster
08-16-2010, 01:34 PM
I agree timmyfunk.The church has become just a bit hypocritical...........But on another note Men claim they want a nice clean hold some church going woman.then turn around and marry the first Illegal alien who dosent look like them. no wonder BW are confused......

Illegal alien? Aren't you stretching things a bit here?

abfan
08-16-2010, 01:58 PM
noooooooooooo... ... I know ur not talking about stretching anything

rta5225
08-16-2010, 03:18 PM
OK, I read the posts 7 and 11. I have to say that I agree with some of that. All churches don't come off like that though. I'm not necessarily a church going woman. I like to think of myself as "spiritual and not religious". The church I do attend when I go is not of that rigid mindset or I wouldn't go. The African-American men I know do not shun the church, but are like me and have been selective of the kind of church they chose to join.

I've met some of the self-righteous and judgemental women I think you are referring to. I can't stand bible thumping people like that, who try to get me to go to their chuch or behave differently, as if my soul needs saving. They need to mind their own business and work on their own souls and leave mine alone. We ALL have to meet our maker one day and He will do as He sees fit with us at that time. I thankfully don't know to many African-American women like this though, but I've seen a couple of them.

I don't subscribe to the turn the other cheek mode either. Of course I could turn one of my cheeks below on my backside. GIGGLE!! I do like Luther Vandross, LOVE Smokey Robinson and Felix Cavaliere, (lead singer of the Rascals) and their love songs, but I don't subscribe to fantasy. I DO LOVE good jobs, money and material things though. If that makes me a bad woman---oh well! I guess the bible thumpers will have to try to save my soul 'cos I'm doomed. Bwahahaha!!!!

rta5225
08-16-2010, 03:21 PM
"Out here in SC, I've had to bite my tongue numerous times when I've come into contact with people who've 'drank the kool aid'. Some of their comments would boggle the mind."

Can you be more specific? What kinds of comments---dare I ask? LOL!!

theboyfromxtown
08-16-2010, 05:55 PM
rta5225

If it's any consolation, I think there's quite a few who might be doomed! And it's said that there's safety in numbers! HAHA

This is an interesting thread for a Brit. In fact many of the threads here on the clubhouse are quite fascinating. We tend to follow the US but not always.

rta5225
08-17-2010, 04:58 PM
Hi BoyFromXTown:

I'm feeling kinda lost here. Who are the people that might be doomed and what kinda comments was TimmyFunk speaking of? Are we talking about self righteous and judgemental comments or what?

jillfoster
08-17-2010, 06:40 PM
I see religion controlling and restrictive. That's why I do not go. Most of the people I meet there are also controlling and restrictive. As a black man, I resent society constantly trying to control what I say and do. That's probably why i'm so outspoken today. Why would I want to heed a word that tells me to turn the other cheek. The Black man gets kicked when they turn the other cheek!

Soulster, after reading this and other posts by you over the last couple weeks... I have some advice. Do whatever you can to be an entrepeneur and run your own business, you're just don't seem like the type that should be working for someone else. i'm the same way, and don't like nobody bossin me around. Trust me, you'll enjoy your life alot more. And don't live in a house with a homeowner's association, etiher. I don't want some group of stuck up bitches tellin me what color to[paint my house. It's a little off the track here, but I think you'll be alot happier if you arrange your life to be as independent as you possibly can.

soulster
08-17-2010, 06:56 PM
I'm not a follower, that's for sure! I don't think or act like 'everybody else". I do my own thing my own way. It drives people up the wall, especially conformists.

timmyfunk
08-17-2010, 08:31 PM
RTA5225, what other specifics do you need? My observations, like everyone else, are based on personal experiences. And yes, we are talking about self-righteousness, condescension, outright disrespect of other peoples religious opinions....take your pick.

rta5225
08-17-2010, 10:28 PM
Ok then you basically answered the question TimmyFunk. I wanted to be sure I understood what you meant. I assumed apparently correctly that you did mean the self-righteous, judgemental people, etc.

"I'm not a follower, that's for sure! I don't think or act like 'everybody else". I do my own thing my own way. It drives people up the wall, especially conformists." Bwahahaha!!! I can relate Soulster! I'm just the same way!! And with the same results.

rta5225
08-17-2010, 10:37 PM
This comment is HILARIOUS! I found this on some site, I forget which.

"NYHOUSING1 Well what the hell do you do that requires you to be with a wealthy man? Are you wealthy...I bet not. You probably got your hand out like most of the Black women complaining about Black men. Since y'all are so damned independent then start taking us out for dinner and wining and dining us, pay for movies, by us fancy drawers, and cologne and nice fits. See the problem is that you want the money, but don't have your own and if you do you want to spend that too. We ain't fallen for it."

Geez! I wonder who hurt him. LOL!

soulster
08-17-2010, 11:24 PM
Bwahahaha!!! I can relate Soulster! I'm just the same way!! And with the same results.

It bothers my girlfriend, too!

rta5225
08-18-2010, 12:15 AM
It bothers my girlfriend, too!

It bothers my boyfriend sometimes even though he's far from a conformist.

rta5225
08-18-2010, 10:18 AM
"Since y'all are so damned independent then start taking us out for dinner and wining and dining us, pay for movies, by us fancy drawers, and cologne and nice fits."

I find this joker's comments really comical. I forgot where I found this. I find it a wonderful thing that we African-American women have been and are so independent. I don't understand this clown's problem. He may be from the old school that women should be whiny and dependent.

rta5225
08-19-2010, 10:19 AM
Hi All:

A friend of mine saw on Google somewhere (when she sends me the link I'll share it) that the single rate for African-American women is 70%. I thought it was 42%. I can't believe it's 70%. That seems awfully high. Of course again, they need to subtract those of us that love being single and don't want to marry as well as those that are in domestic partnerships and want to keep it that way. That should bring that down to the 50's I would think. But 70% is awfully high. I think somebody made a mistake.

timmyfunk
08-19-2010, 11:50 AM
That ain't no mistake. In fact it sounds like a conservative estimate.

rta5225
08-19-2010, 12:49 PM
Alright: Here are some links that say it's 42%, double the number for white women (21%). Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!! Which one IS IT????? Actually, I'm more inclined to believe it's 42%, just based on my social circle which I know is a narrow way to look at things. Most of my African-American female friends are married. One or two are on their third marriage.

http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/single-black-females/story?id=9395275

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCoI-B9AYjs

Here's an interesting link about ALL women.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/16/us/16census.html I like that they have stats. for other minorities as well; an area that I find interesting. But this article infers that 70% of African-American females are single.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32379727

Here's another one saying 42%.. GRRRRRRR!!!! I probably need to read each of these thoroughly which I can't do right this minute. I hate all this inconsistency though.

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-black-women-have-higher-chance-of-remaining-unmarried/

Paula Goldston
08-20-2010, 10:00 AM
These are very interesting articles RTA5225. Thanks for submitting them!

ralpht
08-20-2010, 10:14 AM
And welcome to the forum, Paula.

Paula Goldston
08-20-2010, 12:12 PM
Thanks Ralph.

rta5225
08-21-2010, 11:45 AM
Wow! This article is really interesting. The comments are interesting too. Some of these topics within the main topic I wouldn't want to touch with a 10 foot pole as they might spark to much of a debate on the forum, but they are very interesting nevertheless.

http://survivingdating.com/black-churches-how-black-churches-keep-african-american-women-single-and-alone

Paula Goldston
08-21-2010, 10:00 PM
I read this article. I had to cut and paste it to my URL. Anyway, I had a MAJOR issue with the word "LONELY" in the article. Just because a woman is alone doesn't make her lonely.

ollie
08-22-2010, 10:54 AM
Paula is guess numbers that have been published on the net can't be trusted. If it's 50%-40% or 30% it won't reflect reality.
And being alone doesn't make you lonely i agree on that with you.

nevertoolate
08-22-2010, 07:30 PM
This is a silly argument...to blame the church...there are more women than men..so therefore some are going to be single
there are single women in bars etc. The logic does not hold up...too much generalization...all black churches? all black
single women?

rta5225
08-24-2010, 09:07 PM
I agree with Paula and NeverTooLate. If there are 2 million more African-American men than woman or somewhere about, there will be some that will probably will be single, even though they don't want to be. The church has nothing to do with it as I see it. I've read in other places where some of these men feel they are competing with the women's preachers. I disagree with that as well. I think they may be competing with God, whether they know it or not.

Paula Goldston
08-25-2010, 10:02 PM
These comments about controlling and restrictive, controlling and restrictive about what? I see sex all up in here and people have just not said it. LOL.

rta5225
08-28-2010, 11:55 PM
LOL!!! Sounds plausible to me.