Plainly, 'she' did not become Mrs Oz.......
Plainly, 'she' did not become Mrs Oz.......
Thank God, no! Mrs. Oz had the good sense to wait until I was done with school before she complicated my life. I met her three weeks after graduation [[a year after the aforementioned ghetto spat), which was coincidentally, three weeks after she was able to legally enter the nightclub with her own ID.
She got off to a good start, then...
Not really. She was using a friend's ID before she turned 21, so she was technically breaking the law to enter the clubs three weeks before we met.
I'm writing the screenplay as we speak,hmm let's see...it was a dark and gloomy night at the toxic waste site and only the buzzards were alive...this is golden turkey stuff.
Can we dress doves up in buzzard suits? Buzzard handlers cost a lot more than dove handlers and we are on a budget. I figure we can use my cousin Sandi's chili recipe for the toxic waste site. We'll have to get EPA approval though, because Sandi's chili is actually toxic waste.
But so far, I'm in rapt attention...
As if there hasn't been enough problems with the weather, Air Pollution levels in London today reached "Hazardous".
If you were a dove in London today, it quickly became "Buzzardous".
arr&bee, keep up the good work, but I'm also creating a screenplay, just to keep you on your toes [[or whatever it is that you have on the end of your legs)
You're the main star [[well, for as long as you keep your fees reasonable), playing the latest incarnation of Dr Hooch, and in a maniacal style. [[who would have thought it?) You live in Italy. You've made so much hooch, and have kept it a secret for so long, that storage is becoming a real problem. That, and maintaining your sanity.
Your reservoir of that wonderful elixur has overflowed. [[gasp)The canals have become full of the hooch you've made, but people are out to drain those canals [[another gasp) And for free! It becomes a desperate struggle of good over evil, but you do have a girl group, the Juliehoochettes, on your side. Whenever things do become a bit fraught, you all sing.....
Your main adversary is the evil Signor Jereboam [[played very much against type by Jerry Oz, with a prayer before each performance, and also a keen eye on the Oscar nominations), and his cohorts, The Romeos. The hooch he can't drink, he wants to contaminate. A dastardly plan!!! And then he sings....
Signor Jereboam stands threateningly on one side of the canal. Dr Hooch stands on the other - while the Romeos and The JulieHoochettes face down each other, across the waves of hooch. And then they all sing....
The love interest comes in the form of Patti LaCake - a sweet and homely body. She and her evil twin sister Oblivion ,'The Fortune Cookie' [[and who insists on calling Patti 'The Unfortunate Cookie", just to upset her) are both played by Moe. [[She's seen life from both sides). Patti & Oblivion are borne along on the gentle swell of the hooch by gondolas.
They meet face to face in the canal, between Dr Hooch, Signor Jereboam, The Romeos & The JulieHoochettes. And then everybody sings......[[by this time,of course, Moe is literally beside herself...)
The narrator, known as 'The Prompter' [[but who is often late, and flatly refuses to do matinees) is played by 144man. He sits to one side of the proceedings,with a nice pot of tea and a mountain of custard creams. He has great knowledge. A sort of Dumbledore of The Hooch, if you like.He addresses the audience, and describes in great detail what is going on [[just as well, as no-one in the production has an utter clue). And then, he sings.....
Ohhhhhh, they're going to LOVE it in Trenton, New Jersey!!
Last edited by westgrandboulevard; 04-03-2014 at 05:51 PM.
Two questions that beg answers: 1 Which of us is supposed to be the bad guy, again? My agent will want certain redeeming qualities written into the script if it is me. [[Can't allow my future roles to be tainted by typecasting after what I foresee to be a buzzworthy performance). 2. Keeping an eye on expenses, would moe receive double salary for her part? If so, I propose we pay her half of union scale before we double it to make it affordable.
Arr&bee is portrayed doing his best for mankind, so you get to be the bad guy. Redeeming qualities are being worked on....
Your agent called. I knew immediately it was him, as he reversed the charges....
Another screenplay is now being written for you, where you star as an angel. We need to broaden your appeal.
Moe's screen time is less than some of the other parts, but still extremely effective. Her vocal duels between twin sisters Patti LaCake and Oblivion are a high point of the movie. Besides which, Moe can't work too much at the moment, as she has to get up in the middle of the night, to go to her current work..and when she's done that, she's too tired to tackle much of anything.....but all that will change when she becomes a star....
I will do my part. Film her as she is talking in her sleep and I will do her vocals. Anything to help...
Good idea. Yes, you do the vocals for Oblivion. Well, if Andy Williams can dub for Lauren Bacall.....
For Patti LaCake, Marni Nixon says she's only a phone call away.....
I'm champing at the bit for this project... I already quit my job.
That's taking "I'm available!!!" a little too literally.
A producer needs to be found.
And I wonder where arr&bee has gone.....
I'm down here at central casting,um that part about those doves as buzzards is a no no see the buzzards union[yes they have one]is talking about a flyout which is like a walkout except they fly out,i'm sitting here with thier lawyer[dirtybird]this bird's a real vulture[who else could represent buzzards?]also there's another unforseen problem,it seems the lepracauns own one tenth of zero percent of the studio and they want thier cut.
Tell them this is going to be a big movie, and there's no time for dealing with the little people.....and we'll find another studio....
Those leprechauns are green with envy over my ticket to stardom. Oops... I mean our collaborative venture.
I've been thinking.
As a stark portrayal of Oblivion the Fortune Cookie's sheer malevolence, it could be good if she had a group of buzzards, with whom she conferred while hatching up a sinister plot. She could call them 'The Committee'. They would, of course, always have to agree with her.
Visually, I must say that vultures would have been even better, but if the buzzards are available, and can give it some attitude.....
And maybe the leprechauns could play 'The Romeos', pandering to Signor Jereboam's every whim....whether they be green with envy, or make-up......
If you insist on buzzards, I will talk to a few record company representatives to see if they want to be in a movie... Warning: Do NOT let them draw up their own contracts.
I'm only writing the screenplay, so will have to leave the legal stuff to more qualified people...but, as always in these situations, and as you say......which ones
You think vultures might perhaps be more trustworthy?
Once anyone hears me sing, the cinema will empty quicklier than if the fire alarm had sounded.
Marni Nixon still says she's only a phone call away.
In the meantime, it would prove extraordinarily effective if you were to busk the street outside,so ensuring the patrons take their seats in the most quickliest fashion.
We can bill his singing as a special effect. Crowd interaction, even if they are running for the exits, can be a good thing... On second thought, let's have him sing during the closing credits to clear out the theater for the next showing. The theater owners will love us.
The theatre owners will have their own logistic nightmare, trying to clear the seats of comatose patrons, who were approached during the interval by a strangely familiar, puckish figure, and who lured them into trying "a nip of this wonderful elixur..."
Two police officers were dispatched to find out what happened.
Officer #1: "Did you find out who did it?"
Officer #2: "I think it was a relative..."
Officer #1: "What makes you say that?"
Officer #2: "Well, one of the victims was muttering something about 'Our Aunt Bea'."
Officer #1: "Good work. Now, let's arrest this broad before she does something like this again!"
Last edited by Jerry Oz; 04-05-2014 at 06:19 PM.
The two police officers sat in the darkened auditorium, discussing the missing Aunt Bea.
They then noticed a small torchlight, being flashed across each row of stalls from one of the aisles.....
An usher approached and very half-heartedly asked "Ticket please?" Officer #1 looked to his partner quizzically and then turned back to the usher. "Sure, kid" he said. "Most people don't ask us to issue them, but let me see your license and proof of insurance."
"Huh...?" the confused usher starts. Officer #1 then states in his most authoritative voice "I'm giving you a ticket. And keep your hands where I can see them."
"Help us kid, and you won't be in trouble", added Officer #1 "we're looking for a woman called Bea. Met anyone of that name around here?"
At that moment, the two officers and the usher froze, sensing an unseen but chilling presence of another person, just a few feet from them.
From the depths of the darkness hissed a crackling, epicene voice "Say, would you gentlemen like a nip of this wonderful elixur, left over from the last performance...?"
Officer #1 reaches for it, thanking the stranger for the gift. Before he can touch the Mason jar to his lips however, Officer #2 slaps it from his hands. "What do you think you're doing?", Officer #1 asked, upset that he was almost refreshed. "Look", his partner responded and pointed a thumb hard toward the movie screen. All of the actors were teetering about, drunk and clearly no longer performing. In the background, the cops could see an empty Mason jar with "arr&bee's XXX" written on it in black magic marker.
"Madre de Dios!" said Officer #1 in amazement. "Since when...", he paused. "Since when do I make exclamations in Spanish?" His friend nodded toward the floor. The wonderful elixur was glowing red as it was eating through the soiled theater carpet and into the concrete below. "Since you got a whiff of that," said Officer #2. At once, their guns were removed from their holsters as they sought to question the stranger. But he had disappeared as mysteriously as he arrived.
I'm starting to feel that Officers # 1 & #2 would make very effective supporting characters in our movie.......
We can give them a sip of hooch to make them more amenable on contract terms...
Whoever plays them might have that sip of hooch written in their contract......
Well, arr&bee might be up for playing a couple of extra parts...
At this rate, EVERYONE will be playing two parts LOL
I've got my hands full with these vultures[these birds are tough]it seems the leps are trying to buy thier way into the screen actors guild and block the making of this classic movie,but i've contacted the..elves..muchkins..fairies and i found ned the wino to guard the gate..[if i can keep him sober]now the buzzards are talking about a percentage of the gate[they know it's gonna be a blockbuster]i'm tryin to get judge judy to issue a writ of e pluribus unum to stop those leps from taking over.
Those vultures will take control of this production over my dead body. Or somebody's dead body. [[Forgot that they like dead bodies...)
We could still make a lot of money even when we're dead......
I'll have to leave a forwarding address so my relatives will know where to send it...
They could perhaps bring it with them later. They say you can't take your money with you when you go, so I'm taking my credit card.
I'll apply for a Visa Dead Card when I get there. I'll do it on day one so that I can get it before my credit is ruined there too...
Don't worry on my Account.
I won't take on anything which is too taxing.
That's your business!
Charity begins at home....
That's very nice of you. I accept your kind invitation of free board and lodging.
Once the neighbourhood knows you're in residence, I'll make a good return from anyone wanting to run a 'SDF Stars Home Tour' bus past this place.
Of course, I won't be able to move in until after I return from Hawaii.
After your research for the movie is completed, of course.
Don't forget we'll need you back to rehearse for your part.....
It's gonna be soooooo good... Wait! Who's paying for the Hawaii trip? We may have to raise ticket prices...
It will be hard to raise 144man, once he hits Hawaii.
Think 'this section is closed'........
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